"It was bigger than a can of Coke because they drained 400ml of fluid from it - but it was the shape of a giant avocado."
Actor and writer Michael Patrick is talking about his balls. His left ball to be exact.
"Imagine a really, really big avocado. The type you see in a supermarket and think, 'That's too big. I don't want to buy that one because it's too big and will only go bad. I'll have to buy the smaller one.'"
Now Michael can laugh, albeit nervously, about the time as a teenager his testicle swelled up to an enormous size, thanks to a condition known as a hydrocele.
But the three years he hid the condition from his mum were tough. He was too embarrassed to tell anyone and petrified that the enormous swelling could be cancer.
Years later, he happily talks about his testicle to anyone who'll listen – and reflects on how opening up about his physical and mental health brought him closer to his mum.

One day :

'It fell out of my shorts during PE'
Michael, currently on tour with the Royal Shakespeare Company, remembers another embarrassing moment at school when his swollen testicle fell out of his shorts in a PE class.
"I managed to hide it for the most part but then it did fall out when we were doing sprints.
"A fella was running behind me and it just dropped between my legs. He recoiled in horror and sort of fell over.
"But thankfully he didn't tell anyone. I think he was so traumatised by it that he kept quiet."
Michael's close mates at school eventually noticed the swelling in his trousers and they talked about it among themselves, assuming he was just very well endowed.
"When I finally got my diagnosis they were like, 'Oh thank god! We all felt very inadequate next to you
Nowadays, Michael and his friends are better at talking about personal things, like their physical and mental health.
"We talk about things... that we absolutely would not have brought up when we were at school.
"One of the greatest moments actually was when I did the play for a group of prisoners at a youth offenders' centre in Belfast.
"One of them got up afterwards and was like, 'I've never mentioned this before but I had surgery on my penis and I want to chat about how it affected me.'
"It was amazing to hear this lad who comes from a hard background being able to open up because we did the play. It's a silly, light-hearted look at balls but it has a message underneath it."
Michael says he feels like "an idiot" for not telling anyone what was going on for three years - but the whole experience, ultimately, improved his relationship with his mum.
"I like to think we're closer now than what we ever were."

Pictures or I don't believe it.