Exciting Job Opportunities in the Niger Delta
Our client, a Niger Delta Militant Group with branches in strategic locations throughout all the six South-South states of Nigeria is seeking to expand its operations to Abuja , the Federal Capital territory. This expansion has brought about vacancies for qualified and experienced young officers. The positions are:

Area Head, Kidnapping:

The successful applicant who will report to the Executive Council, and the Executive Director, Abuja , is expected to possess the following competencies:

1) Minimum of 10 years experience in militant agitation. (Membership of Al-qaeda, Hamas or other similar organisation will be an added advantage)

2) Fluent knowledge of Hausa, Ijaw, English, Italian and German

3) Expert ability to distinguish between Oyinbos and Albinos

4) Ability to swim in deep waters

5) Ability to recognise fake/marked naira notes by sight

6) Ability to easily recognise all Senators and Ministers of the Federal Republic of Nigeria.

Evidence of previous successful kidnap of BIG MEN must be provided (pictures preferable)


Photographer:

1) Minimum of 5 years experience taking photos in war zones. (Domestic fights do not qualify as war zones for these purposes)

2) Proficiency in the use of explosives as camera lighting.

3) Knowledge of the different skin tones of expatriates, as an aid to taking high-quality pictures, is a must.

4) Proficiency in the use of Adobe Photoshop, and Internet photo uploading software is a must.

Please include a portfolio of previous photo-samples (must contain kidnapped persons OR be taken in war-zones OR be nightshots in blackspots like Oshodi, 3rd Mainland bridge, Apongbon, etc)


Militant Trainee:

1) Candidates must be between the ages of 13 and 50, be at least 4m tall, and may be male or female.

2) Minimum of Nursery School/Kindergarten certificate.

3) Jobless university graduates, and serving policemen will be given special consideration.

4) Possession of jungle boots and face mask is a must.

5) Preference will be given to persons with knowledge of foreign European languages, and persons with the ability to swim.


Renumeration:

Very attractive, competitive, and comparable with industry standards (payments in foreign currencies).

Official guns, boats and grenades will be provided.

Excellent training, involving offshore secondment ( Iraq , Afghanistan etc) from time to time

Regular appearance on CNN, Alaaroye, Time Magazine, The Economist and other International magazines.

Excellent networking opportunities with Nigerian politicians, oil magnates, and foreign businessmen.


Interested applicants should forward their applications and detailed curriculum militae within two weeks to:
militant_recruitmen t@OsamaConsultin g.com

Ayusman 16,

Ooo Boy u try oooooooooooo.
Now I know companies do not need to look further to get someone place their adverts for them
You too much abeg

hey guy thnx, i quess a job in advertising will not be bad for u, u rock, u too much

Thank u for d info! Keep it up

I hail u. U 2 much. Keep it up.

@ayusman, am sorry i did not find that post funny.this is a serious domain for serious minded people looking for jobs. am sorry i think it would have been better on the jokes segment.

men you are too good.

Gbala e bere so wate bi e?Oko a?I bu Ebi o!I fii weri saki I nimi bi aaa!Haaaaaaaaaaaa Izon!Hia!Haaaaaaaaaaaaaa Kalabari eee!Hieeee!Now that is a kalabari Ijaw man speaking.You are treading on dangerous grounds.You think militants are just a bunch of illeterates abi?!Then how on earth did they detonate a bomb in shell R.A. with a mobile phone eeehn?how!?That can only be done through hightech shit.Yanga dey sleep trouble dey go wake am.When they start kidnapping nigerians they may just use your family for Internship for their trainees.And I bet kidnapping you will be very easy.You want to bet.!!!!!!!!!!?

Dabriggs cool down he's just cracking a joke. This is not the Niger delta.

good day sir AYUSMAN,

I get three years experience in beating naval officers and using rocket launchers. The problem na say i no get nursery or kindergatten certificate. PLEASE help me i have free access to shell, agip, elf, total and chevron camps

Commenting on the guy, he is good in job posting. I think we can recomend him to consultants like Primesav wa wan shop on job seekers. As you all know every 3 weeks they will put up job advert looking for 1000 from guys.
Come to look at it, this environs is not for riddles and joke ok.

i agree with you Kingsley. fine, i wont dispute the fact that he is good but this is not a segment for jokes. you must have raised someone's hope, only for the person to find out its a joke. you will do better in the entertainment segment. One luv

This is just plain hilarious and i cant stop laughing. This is certainly the undisputed joke of the month

Guy!!  :Du too much joo!! 3 gbosa 4 u , i've got 5 years experience in martial art (Black belt holder), and excellent records in cruise and bone cracking. Hope i'll be given an interview opportunity to display my skills with Tafa the IG, and OBJ for increasing VAT and pump price

olembe:

@ayusman, am sorry i did not find that post funny.this is a serious domain for serious minded people looking for jobs. am sorry i think it would have been better on the jokes segment.

Am really sorry and appreciate how u feel for those who took it personal for doing this joke here, but common guys it was meant to be a joke, all the same, ku yi hakuri!

dabriggs:

Gbala e bere so wate bi e?Oko a?I bu Ebi o!I fii weri saki I nimi bi aaa!Haaaaaaaaaaaa Izon!Hia!Haaaaaaaaaaaaaa Kalabari eee!Hieeee!Now that is a kalabari Ijaw man speaking.You are treading on dangerous grounds.You think militants are just a bunch of illeterates abi?!Then how on earth did they detonate a bomb in shell R.A. with a mobile phone eeehn?how!?That can only be done through hightech shit.Yanga dey sleep trouble dey go wake am.When they start kidnapping nigerians they may just use your family for Internship for their trainees.And I bet kidnapping you will be very easy.You want to bet.!!!!!!!!!!?

How dare for insulting my family, na ur papa and mama, infact ur generation dem go use for intership, Am sure if u see me sef, u go begin piss for trouser, chicken fowl! Watch the way u threaten pple on this posting or else ifa would decend on ur whole generation! If dem born u well, reply my posting, do u claim to be more militia than the militia himself, If u no get sense of humor for generation make u try go dey watch horror movie, Ewu ifacha langwa!!!!!!

Pls stop such an expensive joke, u are not painting the image of our country correctly. For God sake stop this rubbish i beg.

410, Lords Avenue
                                                                                                                                               Creek Water way
                                                                                                                                                Delta.
The Recruitment Manager,
Niger Delta Militant.
           Dear Sir,
                                                   Application for the post of the above mentioned Assigmnet[color=#990000][/color]
             I wish to apply for the above mentioned post in your reputable organisation.
Sir, i possess the experience required, also am an AHT (Associate, Hostage Takers) holder, FOM (Fellow, Osama Movement).
             Sir, attached is my Curriculum Vitae for your perusal.
             Anticipating working with your organisation.
   
   Yours Ogilvy
   Denix d Menix

ol boy, ur own na wa o. its a nice one anyway. good humour.

ayusman
u try na HEAVY talent u get. who no get ur kind of talent no go fit post such tin, but the TRUTH be say na NIGERIA cause am. I believe say u no gey job like us. wetin i mean be say like say u get job especially d one wen dey pay well, u no go reason reach dis one.

Nairalanders una see wetin joblessness dey do?

I am the one who posted this thread and i want to emphasise that i am not the originator of the thread.A Friend sent it to my email.I repeat,i am not the originator so i dont deserve any kudos.I just felt Nairalanders might like it.Thank u.

Ok guys, its a nice joke but it's just in the wrong section, this should be on the jokes section, remember this is a job section and remember not only job seekers are members but also job givers, lets be really serious. I 'll advice next time you have a very nice joke like this one, please post it on the joke section it will be more appreciated there. One love! Nairalanders.

Guy, i  gbadu your post jare!. sometimes we need something to make us laugh .The frustration in the country is causing too much tension. i think people shd. learn to laugh at somethings without taking it personal. i know we are all looking for jobs. God will answer our prayers.
Love you all.

hi, ayusman pls i just want to know if u are the person i know in zenith bank cause if u are are that means u are the best joke on earth. pls look out for better job openins ok
guy stay blessed.

The post is not funny at all. this great medium is designed mainly for serious posting that can help everyone. I'll advice him to apply for the job himself since he is the advertiser.

I think the above mentioned topic deserves the attention of everyone on a more serious note. We could actually help erradicate this millitant thing, who knows who next to be kidnapped after the whites?

@ 9jaangel

Hey! U sure say u no be part of them>>>>huh?I fear P/h girls ooooo

This is a case of plagiarism! Simple.  The poster should have at least, given credit to the original crafter and owner of this work.  I recieved it as forwarded mail more than a year ago, word for word; verbatim! No one should give the poster credit for crafting this.  Rather, we can ony thank her for sharing it.  Am sure, she is not the copyright owner. Nairalanders beware!

ayusman16 THAT WAS A NICE ONE,  
KA SHARE WADANDA SUKA DAUKE SHIN PERSONAL.
BUT LET US ADVICE THE MILITANTS TO ALLOW OUR ECONOMY REST NOW
AFTERALL THEY WERE GIVEN LUMBSUM/GANAH MUST GO(S) BY YARADUA (BABA JEJE)

Nice One, i relly enjoyed it.Guys make una relax, jobs go come.I guess the guy wanted to add humour to all these job hunting thing.Baba God go bless us all.