A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, “I’ve lost my dad!”

The cop asked, “What’s he like?”

The little boy replied, “Beer and women with big boobs.”


MAN: I’d like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He’s at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I’m sorry, I can’t sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.

The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I’d like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well… where is he?
MAN: He’s at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can’t sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.

The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What’s in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm… It’s warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.


A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs. It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs.

He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells:

“No, you can't have those! They're for the funeral!”



Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

“Betty, I was wondering — have you ever cheated on me?”

“Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question…”

“Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please.”

“Well, all right. Yes, 3 times.”

“Three? When were they?”

“Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?”

“Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?”

“Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?”

“I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?”

“Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?”



A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island.

One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, “Stop making love down there!”

“What's the matter with you?” the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '”We weren't making love.”

“Sorry,” said the sailor, “From up there it looked like you were.”

Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.

The husband says to himself, “By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!”



please dont derail my thread, only positive criticism is needed.

Blinks
blinks again
blink cont.
N shakes head

I HATE CHEATS

MTSCHEW!

eldav:

I HATE CHEATS

MTSCHEW!

dont understand u oh!

boring jokes if u ask me

nobody asked you.

yink,dont bother urself.

notin's wrong.

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”

The husband thought for a moment and replied, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.”

ok i wont

sorry,i meant "yinka"

U suck eldav

Mtchew

no problem guy


stud abeg, for once maintain,

studio u mistaken me 4 someone else.

sorry.

yinkalink:

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”

The husband thought for a moment and replied, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.”

ok i wont

Funny jokes, but which kind Ode husband be this?

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. “So,” he said, “I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe.” Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. “You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000.”

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon … “Now then, I’m returning $5,000, and we’re going to decide this case solely on its merits.”


no mind am jare.

Eldav

Dem say make i bone your side for now


god save u cuz i bin wan punch u through da puter


Mtchew

studio

guy u 2 dull

u jst dey talk lyk small pikin

go nd suck ur thumb,rugrat.

mtschew.

Sharp Judge!

Eldav

Not every hediot dat speakz to me i speak back at
Especially when the stewpid hediot iz not on the same level with me



Mtchew

listen here,nonentity.

u dnt talk unless i ask u 2

u r nt in my class

I respect ppl below me 2,bt dnt abuse it.

Attention Seeker Oshi

omo IBO

Mtchew

nice jokes collection

---

err woman, i love it

keep talkin ur sh.it,imma see u real soon.

mtschew.

funny things dey happen sha

Continue dey misyarn u dis palasa of a boy, i'm listening.

And if u stop, u be phool.

children yarn

go find ur playmate

mtschew.

ARareGem:

Sharp Judge!

they dont teach them that in law school.

Element G:

nice jokes collection

---

err woman, i love it

thanks, just trying to follow ya futsteps

yinks at it agian, nice one gal

CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm… It’s warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.

GAWD!!!

“No, you can't have those! They're for the funeral!”

kai, women_*smh*

abi nah, d guy wan short ration 4 people wey go chop 4 im funeral.lol