ABSTRACT

“You can ASPIRE FOR PRESIDENT. But please, POSTPONE YOUR CAMPAIGN till after 2019 election.” Those were the words of Nigeria’s president, Muhammadu Buhari; upon his signing of the “NOT TOO YOUNG TO RUN” bill into law in 2018: one of the BEST THINGS to have HAPPENED TO NIGERIA. Those words were uttered during a brief remark after his signing of the bill - and was directed to representatives of YOUNG PERSONS from the 36 states, including ABUJA.

I guess that we, the youngsters, have MR. PRESIDENT to thank for the signing of that bill into law, thus opening POLITICAL DOORS unto us - come 2023 upward. You and I now have the chance to slide ourselves into the CORRIDORS OF POWER and take shots at BETTERING THE NIGERIAN STATE - rather than merely TONGUE-LASHING past and present leaders for OBVIOUS FAILINGS: - such that former Nigerian lawmaker, DINO MALAYE, took online to LAMENT OVER, saying;

“EVERYONE WHO HELD, AND IS HOLDING ANY POLITICAL OFFICE IN NIGERIA, WHETHER ELECTIVE OR APPOINTED, INCLUDING ME, HAS FAILED! WE SOLD CRUDE OIL FOR 64 YEARS. BUT WE COULDN’T FEED OUR CITIZENS FOR JUST TWO WEEKS OF [CORONA VIRUS] LOCKDOWN. WELL, THE GOD OF THE POOR WILL JUDGE US ALL. IT IS TIME TO REBOOT.”

He said so - in reaction to the woeful effects of COVID-19 in Nigeria, and I couldn’t agree more with his GOOD CONSCIENCE. That comment, to a large extent, reflects the present state of Nigeria in its entirety, as well as paints pictures of possible roles played by variety of a SELECT FEW; to arrive at that eyesore state. If only Dino had ELABORATED on his comment, then there would have been a lot more to tell. But one very INVALUABLE PHRASE to consider from his words would be the part he said; “IT IS TIME TO REBOOT.” Indeed, if there’s only one thing Nigeria needs, it is absolute, severe, extreme REBOOTING.

If you’re familiar with computing terms, you understand clearly what it means to REBOOT a computer, what it means to HIBERNATE a computer, what it means to put a computer to SLEEP MODE, and what it means to BOOT a computer. Sleep mode is a power-sparing state that computers can enter when NOT IN USE. But computers usually WAKE from sleep mode through touching a key, clicking the mouse, or pressing the power button - to resume from WHERE THEY STOPPED.

To “hibernate” implies powering down a computer while retaining its state. Upon hibernation, the computer saves the contents of its random access memory (RAM) to a hard disk. When it resumes, it is exactly as it was before entering hibernation; - resuming its work from where it stopped. SLEEP MODE and HIBERNATION only rest computers for a while before they resume working from where they stopped. But when it comes to REBOOTING, it’s a DIFFERENT BALL GAME ENTIRELY!

Rebooting reloads the ENTIRE OPERATING SYSTEM of a computer: it starts the computer up again. To BOOT (BOOTING) is to START A COMPUTER'S OPERATING SYSTEM. Therefore, REBOOTING is to start it for a second time, a third time, even a fourth time, and so on. Ultimately, rebooting allows the computer to RESTART and GET BACK TO WORKING NORMALLY (not merely resting and resuming from where it stopped). More so, after a CRASH, a computer is useless until REBOOTED.

So, if what Nigeria needs is a “rebooting,” it, therefore, supposes that Nigeria has crashed beyond remedy, and needs to be RESTARTED; in order for her to go back to WORKING NORMALLY. Senator Dino is positive that THIS IS WHAT NIGERIA NEEDS. “…IT IS TIME TO REBOOT” (a fresh start), he says. But then, HASN’T NIGERIA HAD SEVERAL FRESH STARTS FROM “INDEPENDENCE?”

What about those steady transitions of power from leader to ruler; to leader to ruler? Weren’t they FRESH STARTS? Or, aren’t FRESH STARTS supposed to be synonymous with REBOOTING? Perhaps Dino means to say that what Nigeria needs is a REAL REBOOTING (an actual fresh start) since all previous rebooting (former supposed fresh starts) weren’t fresh starts after all. They were mere HIBERNATIONS and SLEEP MODES: one administration putting Nigeria to rest after years of MILKING HER SILLY, another administration emerging quickly to RESUME THE EVIL - with reckless abandon. HELL IS REAL!

Just like Dino, Nigerians cry of having had enough HIBERNATIONS and SLEEP MODES! An ACTUAL FRESH START is what everyone now yearns for: a REAL REBOOTING. But this tends to be FARFETCHED. At the same time, it seems VERY HANDY; - just that a vast majority tend to deem it more farfetched than handy (understandably). The world will no doubt end someday, and all the suffering and cheating and oppression will be no more! But how near is that end?? And if that end so happens to tarry, SHALL WE KEEP ON LIVING THIS WAY?? Shall we keep on SUFFERING?? STARVING?? CRYING?? DYING?? WAILING?? SHALL WE KEEP ON……??

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And so commenced UPROAR 2023: echoes of dissatisfaction from a SLIGHTED FIRE-BREATHING MASSES who now want to be heard or GO BANANAS!!! After all, how much worse can it get?? If diplomacy has failed, perhaps we should consider other options!!! Fighting maybe: another long-drawn-out war, bla-bla-bla... “We don tire!!! Our mumu don do!!! We die here!!!” Such brave words are spewed by these masses, all HIGHLY FLAMED-UP in readiness to FORCE-REBOOT Nigeria if efforts at traditionally courting the attention of “SUPERIOR CITIZENS” happen to fail again. I guess it’s high time ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!

The good in all these is that MR. PRESIDENT is given to diplomacy, otherwise, these “FIRE-BREATHING MASSES” may have learned the hard way to never HAVE MORE COURAGE THAN SENSE, especially in these LAST DAYS. God so kind, Mr. President is not a MAN OF WAR, not the LION, not a FIGHT, nor the INDABOSKI BAHOSE. Rather, he is a MAN OF PEACE, a man of LOVE, a LAMB, and a FELLOW NIGERIAN. That is why there could be a dialogue between PEOPLE and STATE (i.e. “governed” and “governor”), a fair marriage of ELITES and MASSES: a WELL-PACKAGED DEMOCRACY!!!

THIS IS A NOVELIZED EXPOSITORY ESSAY ON LEADERSHIP FAILINGS IN NIGERIA, ON THE “NOT TOO YOUNG TO RUN” BILL, ON THE NIGERIAN STATE AS A WHOLE, AND ON THE COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF OF THE NIGERIAN ARMED FORCES: “MR. PRESIDENT.”

INTRODUCTION

If Nigeria is to again amount to anything praiseworthy, there’s got to be a “rebooting.” If it wasn’t so, Senator Dino, in the absoluteness of his person, wouldn’t publicly stress the need for it. Although this need had become glaring enough for even the blind to see, such VALIDATIONS by the likes of Dino, I would say, are perfect CASE STUDIES for analysis; such as TREATED IN THIS PIECE. Perhaps; at the end of this piece, that GREAT NEED will become EVEN MORE GLARING THAN EVER!

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Mr. President has nothing but good intentions. It is very clear from his doings. All he wants is to CREATE A REPLICA of the era of biblical King Solomon, under whose reign - SILVER AND GOLD BECAME LIKE MERE ROCKS AND STONES: (2ND CHRONICLES 1:15). Imagine NIGERIAN CHILDREN throwing silver and gold (rocks and stones) at each other for play. As in, what many would readily GIVE THEIR LIVES FOR, becoming mere play-toys in the HANDS OF CHILDREN?

Fantasy! Fantasy! many would say! But this is actually Mr. President’s goal, his mission, his purpose: to establish heavenly bliss in the land - on the wings of LEADERSHIP. It just so happens that the situation he comes to a face-off with; is the kind he is LEAST PREPARED TO TACKLE. The country is in gloom: a soup of nothingness, a bottomless emptiness, an inky blackness. She is formless and desolate, everything covered by a raging ocean - engulfed in TOTAL DARKNESS!

Given the gloomy blackness, Mr. President can’t seem to find his way around. Where does he start fixing things from? Everything is in a mess! Everywhere is in shambles! It is hopeless! The place is beyond repair! UPROAR from the masses isn’t exactly helping. Pressure from accrued failures by past governments is already too much for him! Adding an uproar is surely going to drive him nuts! He doesn’t know where to turn, who to call, how to start, or what to do. He is in a dilemma, more like caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. How did we (Nigeria) even get here, please??

Nigeria is a country lavishly laden with MILK and HONEY, richly adorned with the GREENEST OF PASTURES, aesthetically decorated with the FINERIES OF NATURE, blessed with a variety of natural and human resources, with bunches of talented folks, intellectuals, creatives, you name them! But even with such abundance and splendor, there seems to be nothing to write home about this OVERLY OBVIOUS GREENLAND, and Mr. President is now CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE of it all.

Things had moved from good to bad; and then to worse. They moved again from worse to “attempted good,” to bad again, and finally to WORST! Mr. President envisions moving things BACK TO GOOD, TO BETTER, TO BEST. You see, it is very okay to LAUGH AT THIS POINT. I mean, he must really think of himself as some sort of a SUPERHERO; or a GENIUS perhaps. Or maybe he sees a lot of HOLLYWOOD MOVIES; that “GAME OF THRONES” kind of thing. YOU KNOW, RIGHT??

But then, UPROAR from the masses isn’t the “TWITTER BASHING” kind of thing! It isn’t some fictionalized artwork or some RANDOM RANTINGS on the internet. It is UPROAR INDEED! The streets are filled with RIDE-OR-DIEs: those who totally disagree that LIVING DOGS ARE BETTER THAN DEAD LIONS! I mean those who would rather be LIONS, whether living or dead! Mr. President just has to perform, or things will just have to GO SOUTH! Thankfully, he is a man of PEACE.

He would rather tow the path of diplomacy, to see how to attend to the conflicting matters of the country without leaving the masses dissatisfied in any way. He is all set to leverage his leadership prowess to pilot the affairs of Nigeria. It takes great inherent leadership abilities to run the affairs of a country, not to mention a country like Nigeria. But Mr. president is CONFIDENT IN HIS ABILITIES. He is confident that he can REBOOT NIGERIA like Senator Dino strongly suggests.

His eager attempt at doing so has seen him revisiting NIGERIA’S BOOTING DAYS. Like they say: “SOLVING A PROBLEM BECOMES EASY WHEN THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM IS KNOWN.” This is Mr. President’s APPROACH at REBOOTING Nigeria: to seek out the roots of PREVAILING ISSUES, devise means of tackling them from that root, and consequently rebooting Nigeria (while at the same time managing a raging masses, fuming with TOXIC DESPERATENESS for the dawning of a NEW NIGERIA).

BOOTING NIGERIA

Mr. President’s tactic at salvaging Nigeria is to trace the nation’s prominent issues to their roots, and then see how to tackle them from there. This has led him to Nigeria’s BOOTING DAYS: that ELUSIVELY PURE BEGINNING; when light seemed to have DAWNED on the BLACK CONTINENT. Nigeria was INVADED and soon transformed into a POTENTIAL LONDON. Those were GLORIOUS DAYS, an era of ENJOYMENT GALORE; PARTY AFTER PARTY, well-structured by the MASTERS to favor IN-DEPTH EXPLOITATION OF THE PLACE. It looked like the event of Genesis 1:3 where God had said: “LET THERE BE LIGHT: AND THERE WAS LIGHT.” (KJV).

MISSIONARIES also stopped by with the GOOD NEWS, conquered the West in the shortest possible time; and expanded their footprint in the East and the rest of Southern Nigeria with their “POTENT, IRRESISTIBLE TONIC OF EVANGELISM AND EDUCATION” (as Chinua Achebe of blessed memory puts it). That was the light that had dawned on this part of the black continent, this GIANT OF A NATION, this great country: NIGERIA. However, those ENCHANTING DAYS WERE SHORT-LIVED.

There was FIRE ON THE MOUNTAIN! Boys wanted to become men, and men no longer wished to be, should I say, “SUBJUGATED?” Women didn’t hold back their support, and the children merely RAISED THE NATION’S DUST with their innocent chase games until abruptly, somewhat unannounced, there was darkness again on the face of Nigeria! There were no more MISSIONARIES, no more MASTERS, just NIGERIANS treating NIGERIANS to a BLOODY THUG OF WAR!

That wasn’t new, though. Long before THE COMING OF MISSIONARIES AND MASTERS, there usually were such wars. But there were mere trivial violent exchanges that couldn’t at the most be counted for war. Howbeit, upon the departure of the masters, the trivial violent exchanges escalated into heated frenzies and ultimately pitched to a BLOODY CIVIL WAR! It could be that the light that had dawned on Nigeria, had been overcome by darkness. But if the HOLY BOOK anything to go by, DARKNESS NEVER OVERCOMES LIGHT. Therefore, would it be safe to say that LIGHT HAD NOT DAWNED ON NIGERIA AFTER ALL??

Light had actually dawned on Nigeria: - just not the LIGHT OF MEN; which shines in darkness without being overcome by the darkness. That’s probably why it was so quick to again give way to a FORMLESS, DESOLATE, WATER-COVERED, DARKNESS-ENGULFED Nigeria! Now, THERE’S AN UPROAR! The people want Mr. President to BRING BACK THE LIGHT, not just any light, but the LIGHT OF MEN: such that DAWNS WHEN THE SPIRIT OF GOD MOVES AND GOD SPEAKS!

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UPROAR from the masses is becoming deafening! “We want light! Give us light! We are tired of darkness! Give us light!” Such wild chants are fired at the naïve Mr. President who seems to be laden with nothing but GOOD INTENTIONS and a HEART FOR THE PEOPLE. Full of ZEST and love for his country. But those aren’t enough to earn him the HOT SEAT. As the Bible rightly says: “It is not good to have zeal without knowledge, nor to be hasty and miss the way”: Proverbs 19:2 (NIV). If Mr. President had known, he wouldn’t have let his zeal drive him to the hot seat so soon. He would have taken time to DIG NIGERIA OUT OF THE WOODS OF HISTORY before aiming for THE VILLA.

But he’s at the Villa already. The only way forward is to DELIVER, or else, STEP ASIDE for a more competent aspirant to BURDEN HIMSELF (OR HERSELF) with that MANDATE. The people have HIGH EXPECTATIONS. They trust that Mr. President is able and capable: if not for anything, for his promise to ALIENATE POVERTY and make prosperity to become a COMMON NORMAL. “When I become president of Nigeria, SILVER AND GOLD WILL BECOME LIKE MERE ROCKS AND STONES: COMMON PLAY-THINGS FOR KIDS!” With comments like that, delivered with SUPREME CONFIDENCE, the masses couldn’t help SEEING A MESSIAH IN MR. PRESIDENT.

What they aren’t exactly aware of; is the fact that Mr. President only just got to dig Nigeria out of the woods of history, in his bid calm the storms in the country. He only just got to learn that the problem of Nigeria is as ANCIENT as the word goes. How did he even get the “Mr. president” tag without as much as knowing that “there are three maps of Nigeria, which Nigerians must have in mind, in order to grasp how the country has been BUILT OR NOT BUILT? Or how Nigeria has been MADE AND UNMADE?” HOW??

Well, Emeritus Professor of Drama and Theatre Studies, Professor KALU UKA would have Mr. President understand that the said maps bear “Fascinating Tales of Historical Dramatization.” According to him, “a nation is not just GEOGRAPHICAL BOUNDARIES or POLITICAL DIVISIONS into states and local government; nor electoral wards and constituencies. Rather, a nation is PEOPLE, and peoples are united in a SOVEREIGN STATE.” That is not too hard to grasp, IS IT?

The renowned professor further made known to Mr. President that Nigeria is not the 60-YEAR-OLD COUNTRY it is purported to be (at the time of this writing: 2020). Rather, she is somewhere around a hundred and sixty (160) years old (according to the maps). To ensure that Mr. President is not left BEWILDERED BY THIS REVELATION, the Emeritus professor went even further to break things down for the lay understanding of the young, ambitious, but a quite naïve Mr. President.

The professor broke down the three maps for easy understanding in an ESSAY he titled: “DRAMA AND THEATRE AS DIGGERS OF THE FOUNDATION FOR GOOD GOVERNANCE AND NATION-BUILDING THROUGH HISTORY.” That essay was written on the occasion of the supposed “celebration” of NIGERIA-AT-50: (INDEPENDENCE DAY: 2010). In his words:

“The first map captures Nigeria from 1860: when the British annexed the “colony of Lagos” from Oba Kosoko, up unto 1906 when the first tentative steps to build a multi-national state were uncertainly taken. Then in 1906, the colony of Lagos merged with protectorate of southern Nigeria while the protectorate of northern Nigeria remained SEPARATE AND FAVORED AS A BELOVED CHILD.”

“The second map captures Nigeria from 1914 to 1945, after lord Laggard and his wife, Sarah Shaw, CONCOCTED THE NAME: NIGER-AREA. It was at that time that Nigeria saw the AMALGAMATION of NORTHERN AND SOUTHERN PROTECTORATES, producing then, TWO NIGERIA because it is/was clear, that AMALGAMATION IS NOT UNION.”

Professor Uka continued that “the objective of the colonial administration was a CONVENIENT ARRANGEMENT TO ECONOMIZE RESOURCES WHILE DERIVING UTMOST DIVIDENDS FROM A LARGE AFRICAN JUNGLE MARKET; for the Royal Niger Company consortium of traders in everything; from slaves to ivory, gold, timber, hides, and skin, BUT NOT YET OIL.”

“The last map captures Nigeria from 1945 to this present day: as it is, since the John Foncha-led excision of part of the South Eastern tip of the Cameroons, a system of loss of territory, capped in ex-president Obasanjo’s loss of Bakassi again to the Cameroons, and a shape Nigeria now has since 1963 when the SO-CALLED REPUBLICAN CONSTITUTION WAS ADOPTED.”

“Meanwhile, in 1922, there was the HUGH CLIFFORD CONSTITUTION in which, as Governor-General, he VIEWED NIGERIA AS A “COLLECTION OF INDEPENDENT NATIVE STATES that are SEPARATED from one another by great distances, differences of history, traditions, plus ethnological, racial, tribal, political, social, and religious barriers”: a myopic perception of Nigeria.”

Gratefully, Mr. President has uncovered this MYOPIC PERCEPTION and a few more to be THE ROOTS of Nigeria’s problems. As a next move, he reaches out to the masses to call all attention to these sad realities. Mr. President has called. Many have heard. But only a few have chosen to give him LISTENING EARS. A GREAT NUMBER of his hearers don’t give a damn about LISTENING! They couldn’t care less about ANCIENT KNOWLEDGE! All they want is for Mr. President to [MAGICALLY] SHINE THE LIGHT on Nigeria and bring forth the NEW ENVISIONED DAYS OF BLISS UNTOLD!

A GREATER NUMBER of his hearers seem to GET HIS MESSAGE. They get a crystal clear picture of things. They understand the extent of the damage, the loopholes, the AUDIO DEMOCRACY, and the CORRUPT FOUNDATION of the nation (in the first place). But this clarity of vision tends to be their UNDOING, sadly. They cannot possibly ENVISION A FIXING of the DIRE NIGERIAN DAMAGE! So they advise thus: “Mr. President, having seen and gotten acquainted with the SITUATION OF THINGS IN NIGERIA, we can only advise that you TAKE A WALK from politics IF YOU WON’T BEND. The entire system is crooked. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!”

Continuing to advise, they add: “the PEOPLE THAT MATTER will not even let you alter things for the exclusive good of the Nigerian people; your good intentions notwithstanding. For your own good, drop the idea. LEAVE MATTER FOR MATTHIAS! And if you manage to find yourself on that seat, be kind enough to SERVE YOURSELF FIRST! And then YOUR FAMILY! NO GO DO PASS YOURSELF! This MESSIAH COMPLEX of yours will only land you in DEEP SHIT! But erm, please remember us in your paradise oh. No position is too small. We will manage anything: S.A, P.A, even SYCOPHANT!”

Now, the problem isn’t that a GREAT NUMBER of his hearers brush him aside; nor that a GREATER NUMBER repel him with NEGATIVE MINDEDNESS and MEDIOCRITY. His major problem stems from the frustration that comes with seeing that the MAJORITY of his SHOULD-BE HEARERS are beyond reach! How does he get them to REASON WITH HIM when he can’t even get across to them? How does he get them acquainted with REAL FACTS about Nigeria, not BASELESS PROPAGANDAS??

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“WINTER IS COMING,” declares Mr. President. “The ARMY OF THE UNDEAD will match upon THE LIVING! All the SEVEN KINGDOMS must put aside their differences and get set to face their common enemy: THE UNDEAD. If the KINGS and LORDS of the SEVEN KINGDOMS continue seeking allies between themselves to fight themselves, they will be drowning in a POOL OF THEIR OWN BLOOD when THE UNDEAD matches on them to ANNIHILATE ALL HUMANITY. We have to STICK TOGETHER! The last thing we need right now is DIVISION, except we ALL WANT TO DIE! You hear me??”

Such CHARMING SPEECH by Mr. President, isn’t it? At this point, one could be tempted to call him “JON SNOW: (the LORD COMMANDER of the NIGHT’S WATCH).” Do you know JON SNOW? He’s a CHARMER! Some sort of a MESSIAH! Mr. President SEEMS TO FANCY JON SNOW A LOT! Jon Snow is a FICTIONAL CHARACTER from the HOLLYWOOD BLOCKBUSTER: “GAME OF THRONES.”

In the movie, he is the supposed the BASTARD SON of NED STARK. Ned Stark happens to be the WARDEN OF THE NORTH and PROTECTOR OF THE REALM. The NORTH consists of the Northern-half of the SEVEN KINGDOMS and is ruled by HOUSE STARK (THE HOUSE OF NED STARK). They RULE FROM THEIR CASTLE at a place called WINTERFELL.

The North is SPARSELY POPULATED. But it is nearly as big as the other SIX KINGDOMS combined, which puts it in a position where it stands SUPERIOR to the other kingdoms, except KING’S LANDING. You know why? Because KING’S LANDING is the CAPITAL of the kingdoms, just like the Federal Capital Territory (FCT) in NIGERIA. So, NED STARK, who rules the NORTH, is somewhat superior to all other rulers except the KING (who RULES ENTIRELY over everyone in the kingdoms).

In essence, the POWER STRUCTURE put NED STARK in a position where he’s the second most powerful ruler. At some point, he was made HAND OF THE KING (a sort of VICE PRESIDENT). JON SNOW was this man’s son; or BASTARD SON, as he was usually ridiculously aliased. Time will fail me to go into the DETAILS OF HIS BIRTH. But his complicated identity drove him to the NIGHT’S WATCH (a place for BROKEN PEOPLE), and he somehow saw himself becoming the NUMBER ONE MAN there: the LORD COMMANDER of the NIGHT’S WATCH (though being a fighter, he’d been forced to serve as STEWARD).

The NIGHT’S WATCH is THE WALL that SHIELDS the seven kingdoms from the BLACK HORRORS on the other side: “……THE UNDEAD!” The seven kingdoms were at war on one side of the wall, while on the other side, THE UNDEAD were on the verge of MATCHING ON the seven kingdoms to WIPE OUT ALL THE LIVING and put an end to HUMANITY. It became JON SNOW’S SELF-IMPOSED ESSENTIAL ASSIGNMENT to get the WARRING KINGDOMS to cease swinging swords at each other, and rather stand together to face the ARMY OF THE UNDEAD, who outnumbered them 10 to 1.

He actually succeeded in SUSPENDING THE WAR (AFTER MULTITUDES HAD FALLEN BY THE SWORD ALREADY). He succeeded in getting the armies of the kingdoms to MARCH TOGETHER AGAINST THE UNDEAD (after being to hell and back a million times). THE UNDEAD were ultimately defeated, thanks to JON SNOW’s supposed sister, ARYA STACK (youngest daughter of NED STACK). Arya put a knife made of DRAGON GLASS in the heart of the NIGHT KING (the leader of the army of the UNDEAD) and that was it. The NIGHT KING is the SOURCE OF LIFE for the UNDEAD. So, once he was killed, IT WAS OVER FOR THE UNDEAD! Jon Snow PAVED THE WAY for that defeat. But that’s not the MAIN REASON I said that one could be tempted to call Mr. President “Jon Snow.”

You see, while APPEALING TO THE REASONING of kings/queens of the kingdoms to stop the war, Jon Snow said things like: “WINTER IS COMING! The ARMY OF THE UNDEAD will match upon THE LIVING. All the SEVEN KINGDOMS must put aside their differences and get set to face their common enemy: THE UNDEAD.” In using that same speech to try to APPEAL TO THE REASONING OF NIGERIANS, Mr. President somewhat seemed like a HERO in the order of JON SNOW. One could ACTUALLY BE TEMPTED to call him Jon Snow AT THAT POINT. But that could only happen at that point, not at this very point. At this point, please do well not to call him JON SNOW. EE GET WHY!

Besides Jon Snow’s COMPLICATED IDENTITY which led him to JOIN THE NIGHT’S WATCH, he swore THE NIGHT’S WATCH OATH upon joining that MILITARY ORDER. HE SWORE A STRONG OATH; one Mr. President WOULD NOT SWEAR [ENTIRELY]! That is the concern here! That oath had Jon Snow MAKING HEAVY-DUTY PRONOUNCEMENTS! VERY HEAVY-DUTY PRONOUNCEMENTS! Like:

“NIGHT GATHERS, AND NOW MY WATCH BEGINS. IT SHALL NOT END UNTIL MY DEATH. I SHALL TAKE NO WIFE, HOLD NO LANDS, FATHER NO CHILDREN. I SHALL WEAR NO CROWNS AND WIN NO GLORY. I SHALL LIVE AND DIE AT MY POST. I AM THE SWORD IN THE DARKNESS. I AM THE WATCHER ON THE WALLS. I AM THE SHIELD THAT GUARDS THE REALMS OF MEN. I PLEDGE MY LIFE AND HONOR TO THE NIGHT’S WATCH, FOR THIS NIGHT, AND ALL THE NIGHTS TO COME.”

No doubt, Mr. President will just have to swear an OATH OF OFFICE upon OFFICIALLY ASSUMING OFFICE AS PRESIDENT. But you see, the OATH OF OFFICE of the president of Nigeria has nothing to do with taking no WIVES, holding no LANDS, fathering no CHILDREN, wearing no CROWNS, winning no GLORY, and living/dying at DUTY POST. Mr. President can’t even imagine a life with such restrictions, not to mention living that life. That is why he can’t exactly be called to JON SNOW.

However, the PART OF THAT OATH that Mr. President is FULLY CONVICTED BY, is the part that says: “I AM THE SWORD IN THE DARKNESS. I AM THE WATCHER ON THE WALLS. I AM THE SHIELD THAT GUARDS THE REALMS OF MEN. I PLEDGE MY LIFE AND HONOR TO THE NIGHT’S WATCH, FOR THIS NIGHT, AND ALL THE NIGHTS TO COME.”

Maybe the CHARACTER OF JON SNOW does not entirely REFLECT THE PERSON OF MR. PRESIDENT. But there’s SOMEONE ELSE in that movie WHOSE CHARACTER LARGELY REFLECTS the person of Mr. President. His name is TYRION LANNISTER: AN INGENIOUS MAN, A READER, LEADER, DIPLOMATIC, INCREDIBLY INTELLIGENT, and able to WORK (TALK) HIS WAY OUT OF MOST MYSTERIES AND CHALLENGES.

In the event where his COLORFUL ELOQUENCE fails to redeem him from challenges and mysterious situations, he still always has the LAST LAUGH - with his CUTTING WIT. Tyrion lives life to the FULLEST, just like Mr. President. He tries to be good (despite his unredeemable family), just as Mr. President tries to be good (despite his seemingly unredeemable country, Nigeria). However, Tyrion’s unredeemable family makes it IMPOSSIBLE for him to be WHOLLY GOOD.

Hence, he does have moments where he dips into the dark side. We can only pray that NIGERIA’S SITUATION doesn’t see Mr. President equally dipping into the dark side, just like his favorite Tyrion: a DWARF. Oh, did I mention that Tyrion is a DWARF? But that’s not THE REAL BIG DEAL! The real big deal is that he is the MOST FAMOUS DWARF IN THE WORLD! (you can try asking Google). There will be a lot more to say about this DWARF in the latter part of this essay. Just STAY ON WITH ME!

If you watch GAME OF THRONES, you will notice that the PROMINENT THEME which endures all through the movie, is that of UPROAR (those who’ve watched can attest). It has EIGHT seasons. There was CALM in SEASON ONE. That calm vanished in SEASON TWO, only to return in SEASON EIGHT (the last season). But, until SEASON EIGHT when CALM RETURNED, there was only one prevailing element: UPROAR! UPROAR! UPROAR! just as it is; in NIGERIA RIGHT NOW!

UPROAR 2023

“Mr. President, we can’t take this anymore! Nigeria is not anybody’s company! Nigeria is not anybody’s property! She is not a commodity for sale or rent! See ehn, this Nigeria is not somebody’s BUSINESS CENTER ooh! Hehehe! Nigeria belongs to Nigerians! For how long shall we keep robbing Peter to pay Paul?! We can’t even have a fallout with Ghana without them “dragging” us for ZERO ELECTRICITY. But thanks to Nigeria, Ghana is a PARADISE OF CONSTANT LIGHT!”

The uproar is that of WILD CHANTS FROM MAD MASSES, all shot at Mr. President from North, South, East, and West! “IT IS 2023!” they ROAR ON! “We want things to begin to be as they should be! We are not going to be SPECTATORS anymore! We are not going to be an AUDIENCE to merely cheer PERFORMERS for their performances (no matter how awkward). We refuse to continue being CAJOLED! No time for anybody! See, Mr. President, things must change! Nigeria must REBOOT!”

If Mr. President had known, he would have stopped at AIRING PRE-RECORDED VIDEO CLIPS ON TV as an address to the roaring masses. At least, that way, the masses wouldn’t do any more than to keep wailing - while waiting to watch his next CLIP. But this young, ebullient Mr. President, this ambassador of goodwill, decided to play down on ARISTOTLE’S MODEL OF COMMUNICATION (which only allows the SENDER TO SEND THE MESSAGE TO THE RECEIVER - IN AN ATTEMPT TO INFLUENCE THE RECEIVER TO RESPOND ACCORDINGLY): NO FEEDBACK WHATSOEVER! Mr. President imagined IT WOULD BE BETTER TO INTERACT WITH THE MASSES, TO ALLOW FOR AN AVENUE THROUGH WHICH THE MASSES CAN REACH OUT AND TALK WITH HIM DIRECTLY.

So, he opted for the TRANSACTIONAL MODEL OF COMMUNICATION (which allows for each person in the communication process to act as both speaker and listener, SIMULTANEOUSLY SENDING AND RECEIVING MESSAGES ON THE GO). In this model, EACH PERSON in the communication process reacts depending on factors such as their backgrounds, prior experiences, attitudes, cultural beliefs, and SELF-ESTEEM (like in radio and TV shows when diverse listeners are allowed to call-in).

The people seized that opportunity to CHEW HIM RAW! Serves him right! The next time he wants to NURTURE AMBITION, he will know better than to GO FARMING WITHOUT SUFFICIENT FARM TOOLS. He would have understood that “in any venture, a man is supposed to overvalue the negative estimates of his prospects by two; while undervaluing the positive estimates by half.” At this point, Mr. President has no estimations, nor SUFFICIENT LEADERSHIP KNOW-HOW!

All he has is ambition, a sense of purpose, and a heart for the people. It’s quite unfortunate that HIS INCOMPETENCE IN THIS AREA HAS SEEN HIM SHOOTING HIMSELF IN THE LEG; by allowing for MULTIPLE SIMULTANEOUS CYBER-FEEDBACKS which only succeeded in INTENSIFYING THE UPROAR. Once Mr. President was ON AIR and the people confirmed that his offer to treat them to a cyber-interactive session was not a BLUFF, NIGERIANS from ALL CORNERS INVADED THE CYBERSPACE and tabled DIVERSE ISSUES ALL AT THE SAME TIME - not minding if Mr. President was MAKING OUT ANYTHING FROM THEIR DEAFENING UPROAR!

Some called-in. But due to REPEATED NETWORK JAMS because of the multitude of people TRYING TO CALL IN AT THE SAME TIME, the majority resorted to VENTING THEIR ANGER ON SOCIAL MEDIA: (SOCIAL MEDIA BILL COMES TO MIND). The BITTER PROTESTS from the masses echoed to the hearing of the “NO DO PASS YOURSELF” CREW, who only OBSERVED THE SHOWDOWN FROM THE SAFETY OF THEIR COMFORT ZONES. They could see MORE BITTER COMPLAINTS FROM SOCIAL MEDIA sliding across the bottom of their TV screens at an ACCELERATING PACE!

Mr. President wished there could be a NETWORK GLITCH so he would use that as an avenue to BAILOUT! But no! NETWORK WAS VERY GOOD! There were no STREAMING INCONSISTENCIES (despite the fact that the session was STREAMED ON 2G NETWORK). There were no TECHNICAL ISSUES, no BLANK OUT, no CONNECTION HITCHES, nothing at all. The session RAN SMOOTHLY, except for the DEAFENING UPROAR from the masses which made Mr. President feeling HOMESICK.

Mr. President was struggling to calm the people and to court their attention. He sought to have them listen to him - so he would attempt using COLORFUL ELOQUENCE to appeal to their reasoning (just like Tyrion the dwarf would do). But that was futile! These people were done listening! They were done waiting! Done hoping! And they were done BEING FOOLED AROUND! All they want, is for Mr. President to DELIVER THE COUNTRY FROM EVIL. So they roared! And roared! And wouldn’t stop ROARING!

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“Mr. President we are tired! We are tired of the poor health care system in the country! We want a turnaround right now! We don’t mind being dragged back to as far as 1885 when the Roman Catholic missions established the first hospital: SACRED HEART HOSPITAL in Abeokuta, followed by other COLONIAL HOSPITALS. At least, that way, there wouldn’t be so many trips abroad for medical checkups, and commoners wouldn’t lack for where to test for Covid-19, HIV, even Malaria!

“After the Berlin conference on November 15th, 1884 where AFRICA WAS DIVIDED BY EUROPEAN POWERS and Nigeria was OFFICIALLY ESTABLISHED AS A BRITISH COLONY, those health care systems and hospitals CONTINUED TO BLOSSOM with the best hands as nurses and doctors; such that other nations trooped into Nigeria for the best medical care: the kind of medical care that could only be accessed in Britain. Even SAUDI ROYAL FAMILY was using UCH Ibadan in the 50s.”

“But Mr. President, WHERE ARE THOSE HOSPITALS TODAY? Isn’t it a shame that AFTER BRITAIN HANDED A SOUND, ROBUST, AND ONE OF THE BEST HEALTH CARE SYSTEMS/HOSPITALS IN THE WORLD TO NIGERIA (following her independence in 1960), and that AFTER 135 YEARS SINCE THE FIRST HOSPITAL WAS ESTABLISHED IN NIGERIA, all we can boast of today, are VOID DILAPIDATED BUILDINGS as hospitals?? Nigerians now go to get medical care from the SAME COUNTRIES THAT USED TO PATRONIZE HER FOR MEDICAL TOURISM IN THE PAST. It’s not that we lack manpower, good doctors, or nurses. But our health facilities are all in COMATOSE, and you’re here, telling us to calm down and listen to you? What are you going to tell us, THAT WE HAVE NOT HEARD BEFORE??”

Mr. President was about addressing THE MATTER when the telecom sector interrupted and tabled its own matter! “Mr. President, because of the need of the colonial government to connect with other colonial administrations in Ghana, Sierra Leone, Gambia, and England, TELECOMMUNICATION WAS ESTABLISHED IN NIGERIA IN 1886. Britain brought Telecommunication into Nigeria two years after they arrived (just five years after Britain started telecommunications as a whole in 1881).”

“But after the British HANDED OVER A SOUND TELECOMMUNICATION SYSTEM to Nigeria during independence in 1960, and after 134 years since telecommunication was established in Nigeria, we can't boast of good telecoms networks! We can't boast of smooth networks! We still experience drop calls or no network! Nigeria's telecommunication is dominated and ran mostly as foreign-owned. Isn’t it such a CRYING SHAME?? Mr. President, Isn’t it?? And you are still telling us to calm down??”

The POWER SECTOR didn’t give Mr. President BREATHING SPACE before slamming him with their own MATTER. “Mr. President, 12 years after the British colonialists established their presence in Nigeria, they successfully generated power in 1896. They grew and sustained electricity in Nigeria until they handed over a functional and robust power sector to Nigeria, following her independence. But isn’t it QUITE SHAMEFUL that 124 years after power was first generated in Nigeria, there is absolutely NOTHING TO SHOW?? Despite billions and trillions of dollars already pumped into that sector??”

The EDUCATIONAL SECTOR did not miss out on the showdown, as they came on board to give Mr. President a piece of their own MATTER. “See, Mr. President, you’re probably NOT TOO YOUNG TO RUN for president. But you’re most likely too young to know that even before the British took over Nigeria officially through colonization, they had already established the first school in LAGOS in 1843. Do you know that?? Of course not!!! The school was known as NURSERY OF INFANT CHURCH; and was established in BADAGRY LAGOS. Then, during colonization, MORE SCHOOLS WERE BUILT.”

“It was like a competition between the missionaries and the Colonial government. The missionaries were using schools and hospitals to convert Nigerians into their faith. At a point, the missionaries had more schools and hospitals than the colonial government. Consequently, Nigeria’s education system was robust, with top notch teachers and administrators. THE STANDARD WAS SO HIGH, to the extent that, if you passed out from any Nigerian school, you didn’t need to write series of exams if you so wished to FURTHER YOUR EDUCATION IN BRITAIN. But what’s the SITUATION TODAY??”

“It's a shame to say that 177 years after the first school was established in Nigeria (1843), Nigerians are now sending their children abroad (for even primary school education). We pay very high fees for private school education up to the university level. Despite the billions of dollars being pumped into the education sector annually, it is sad to say that, government schools (which are supposed to be the best), are solely left for the poorest of the poor to send their children to. Mr. President why??”

Travelers and transporters didn’t let the educational sector to land before they jumped in with their own MATTER. “Mr. President, the first motorable road in Nigeria was constructed in 1906. It linked Oyo to Ibadan. The colonialist built and expanded Nigeria's road networks from the South to the North across the board. Nigeria had good, long-lasting motorable roads. But what happened?? After handing over good road networks to Nigeria at independence, it is a shame that 114 years after the first motorable road was constructed, Nigerian roads are nothing but POTS OF HOLES!!!”

Mr. President was beyond grateful when the interactive session ended. He would never REPEAT SUCH IDIOCY of treating the masses to an extended cyber-interactive session! But the ending of the session was not the end of the UPROAR! When there was no more room for the masses to vent their anger directly at Mr. President, social media became the NEXT BUS STOP! Complaints of all sorts were made on the internet, ranging from corruption to rape, to religion, to the alleged conveying of thousands of jihadists to the east for genocide attacks (just as in the Northwest where banditry and kidnapping is said to prevail, and the Northeast where terrorism and banditry adds to the list: 2020).

BUT THE SOCIAL MEDIA UPROAR GOT TO ITS APEX WHEN A FACEBOOK HANDLE WITH THE MONIKER, “POLITICAL NIGERIAN EVENTS” TOOK TO ITS PAGE TO MAKE AN UNBELIEVABLE EXPOSITORY POST THAT IS PURPORTED TO HAVE BEEN ORIGINALLY DIVULGED BY A CERTAIN “NUHU RIBADU.” MAY STILL FIND IT UNBELIVABLE TILL THIS VERY MOMENT. THE POST READS: