How to Disperse a Crowd of Angry Nigerian Youth

The time for Nigeria's Youth Revolution has come. Our Youths have taken to the streets. They have surrounded the Gates of Aso Rock and have vowed not to leave until their demands are met.

0700 hrs
I woke up in the morning and my phone rang. President Jonathan was on the line.
He was furiously panting and breathing loudly. I got him to calm down and explain the reason for his discomfort. He let me know that hundreds of Nigerian Youths had gathered at the Gate of Aso Rock demanding his removal.

The Conversation ensued:

GEJ: Comrade, Comrade, What should I do? They want to remove me
Me: Calm down, Oga Jona , How old are the Protesters?
GEJ: Comrade: They all look young, like University/ Poly Graduates
Me: Good, Very Good, That means they are young people
GEJ: What do you mean "Very Good"? The situation is "Very Bad". You know what such young people have done to governments all over the World and you are saying  "Very good".
Me: Oga jona, Don't mind them, Nigerian Youth are not like all those suicidal youth that can confront armored tanks with bare fists. I know these people. Have you forgotten I am one of them?
GEJ: I am really confused, What should I do? Should I go and call out Mummy Patience to talk to them:
Me: Oga Jona,Nooooooooooo Bad idea, not time to call Mummy now. Just calm down, take a deep breath and follow my instructions.
GEJ: Okay, I  am calming down, but I am very afraid, All my other comrades have disappeared, Ima Niboro is no where to be found, Oronto  was last seen jumping the back fence, Orubebe told me he wanted to go and mobilise forces, but I strongly suspect he 's back in the village
Me: Oga Jona, E fara buruku bale *
GEJ: What does that mean?
Me: Don't worry , It is a greeting in my native dialect.Now to the action plan. As long as they are young people, I can assure you that by the time we are through with our plans, they will all be gone
GEJ: I am all ears
Me: Immediately fly DJ Jimmy Jatt from wherever he is in Lagos to come and set up and play background music. I know all those youths, The moment they hear correct jams, their anger will subside.
GEJ: Ok, I will arrange for that. Let me call you back after that is done

1000 hrs
My phone rings
GEJ: Comrade, Comrade, It is working, They've calmed down. Some are even dancing palongo
Me: You see, I told you
GEJ: But do you think if we continue playing music they will eventually leave
Me: Abi Oponu ni man yi sha? *
GEj: What did you say?
Me: It's the way my village people say Good Morning
GEJ: ok o
Me: The Music we are playing is to calm them down. We now move to Step 2. This is where we will start dispersing them gradually
GEJ: Ok , I am all ears
(DJ Plays "Scape Goat" by DBanj  in the Background)

Me: Tell them that Daddy G.O has announced an emergency meeting at the camp on Km, 46 Lagos- Ibadan Expressway. Tell them Daddy G.O says every young person between Age 15 and 35 must come to Camp in the next 6 hours if they want to make heaven. Also make sure you provide free transport for them
GEJ: But how do you expect them to just believe a statement like that? These people that gathered here for days are not that dumb to hear that and now disappear
Me: What do you know about them? Their education and intelligence is put aside the moment you introduce matters of religion. Oga Jona, Just make sure you mention that the message is from DADDY G.O
GEJ: Okay, Let me get back to you
(DJ Plays "Implication" by Tuface)

1100 hrs
My phone rings
GEJ: Comrade, My good Comrade, Half of them have disappeared. If you saw how they were scrambling to travel down to Lagos, you will have thought the world was about to end.
That Daddy G.O man must be powerful o. I will like to meet him
Me: What do you mean by You will like to meet him? But newspaper picture showed you kneeling down before him for prayers the other day. You have met him already
GEJ: Aa ah ah, I think I remember now. if you know the number of places I have gone to kneel  down for prayers, you will understand why I keep getting their names confused. Now, My Good comrade , what is the next step, Should i do Gender balancing by  saying Mummy G.O says they should come and meet her?
Me: E rori e , opolo e o ju ti apeja lo *, Mummy G.O ko, Mummy G.O ni
GEJ: Comrade, you have come again with your mother tongue, Is that yoruba for Good Afternoon ?
Me: Exactly, We have to move to the next step, forget religion,We have played that card already. All those young people that don't know God always know Shayo. We are now going to tap into the "Shayo" factor
GEJ: Comrade, what is the meaning of Shayo?
Me: Oga Jona, I am sure you have heard of Burukutu, Akpeteshi
GEJ: My Comrade, You are trivialising  matters of life and death. People are calling for my head, You are busy talking about  Burukutu
Me: Cool Down Oga Jona. We are now going to tap into the Shayo factor. Declare an immediate cancellation of import duties and introduction of subsidy of Moet, Hennessy, Jack Daniel and Goose. Tell them that your government has decided that all those drinks will now sell for no more than N1000
GEJ: Are you serious that will work? What are all those strange drinks that you are mentioning?
ME: Oga Jona, Go and try out the formula. If it doesn't work,call me baztard. Have you forgotten I know all these people?

1200 hrs
My phone rings
GEJ: Po Po po po Po po something po Po PO Po something
Me: Oga Jona, Are you okay?
GEJ: Po Po something
Me:  Oga Jona, who taught you that song?
GEJ: My Very Good Comrade, You should have seen the effect. The moment I announced a National Drinks Subsidy, they all screamed The D.J just played a song. You should have seen how they all burst out in dancing and singing. They taught me the song" Po Po PO ". You should have seen them "po-ing something" as they danced home.
ME:  Oga Jona, i told you now, All those young people, so-called activists, those that don't follow bible will follow henessy.
GEJ:   Comrade, I assure you when this trouble is over , we will have a private session to "po something"
Me: No problem Sir, I remain your humble adviser. However , are they all gone?
GEJ:  That's true, some stubborn ones remain o. These ones look very educated, intellectual and scientific. They seem not to be moved by God or Henessy. I really don't know what to do. Don't you think I should call Mummy Patience to come and take over
Me: Ah Ah, This is not a matter for Mummy o. At all, At all. Let her stay where she is. I know those stubborn ones. I know them very well
GEJ: Are you serious? You have a solution to them too
Me:  I know them very well. We have to give an academic solution to an academic problem. Oga Jona, Step 4 consists of 2 sub-steps. Listen closely,
Step 4a, Announce that you have endowed a Goodluck Jonathan award for Good Governance as part of the next Future Awards. Tell them you will move the awards from Lagos to Abuja with an all -expense paid World tour for both organisers and winners. I assure you, some of them will take off. In the case that doesn't work, we move to Step 4b. You have to meet these people at the point of their needs. Declare that you are awarding Masters scholarships to Harvard, Oxford, Insead or any other ivy league school. The scholarships are to be used for studying useless courses like Developmental Economics, Environmental Sustainability and Third World Econometrics, Social Research, Political Development. I can assure you that those that don't follow God and will not follow Hennessy will definitely follow book
GEJ: My good Comrade, let me get back to you

1600 hrs
My phone rings
GEJ: My Good comrade. Sorry for keeping you waiting. Your last suggestion worked. But it took time. You can imagine that those educated ones, even though they were still going to leave still took about 3 hours of deliberations and arguments among themselves before they departed. I don't understand,Why do you have to discuss for 3 hours what you are going to do before eventually doing it.
Me: Oga Jona, I told you now, the educated ones are tougher, They will analyse until they paralyse. Anyway, have they all gone?
GEJ: Yes , the intellectuals were the last set. But wait ooo, What is this noise  I am hearing?
Noise is heard in the background, DJ Jimmy Jatt packs up his equipment and takes off.

1700 hrs
GEJ: Comrade, Comrade, They have come again o, about 100 people just showed up from no where. These ones are totally different. Music does not seem to work on them, I doubt if our other schemes will work. Comrade, we are in trouble. My days infact my minutes are numbered,
Me: Oga Jona, Calm down, Calm down, let me think
GEJ: Comrade, there is no time to think o. They will soon start climbing the walls
Me: Give me some time, Let me call you back
GEJ: Ha , Comrade, don't leave me o , don't leave me o

1800 hrs
My phone rings
GEJ: Comrade, Why are you nto picking up my phone. How can the Chief Commander in Charge of Nigerian forces be calling you and you will not pick?
Me:  Commander ko, Ebenezer Obey ni.
GEJ: Same to you, Same to you hundred times. You think I don't know you have been abusing me in your mother tongue. You have forgotten that I did my NYSC in Osun State? You think
Me: Oga Jona, I will drop this line o
GEJ: Comrade, Comrade, let us put our emotions aside. We are all tired. It has been a long day. Let us not turn on ourselves. I beg you in the name of all that are IZON, What is the solution to these latest set of brigands? Talk now or I am in trouble
Me: You know the solution already. It is with you
GEJ: Stop Speaking in Parables, comrade
Me: We need to call on Mummy Patience. Go and address the Youth and tell that Mummy Patience is coming out to address and wait for the reaction.
GEJ: Aa h, Comrade, if it backfires we are all in trouble, you , me and the rest of we.
Me: Just go and tell them Mummy Patience will come and speak to them

1900 hrs
Phone Rings
GEJ: po Po Po Po Po Po something, Comrade You can't believe it. Unbelievable, Unfathomable, Unimaginable . They have all gone, disappeared into thin air,
vamoozed faster than the harmmattan wind that blows in my home town Otuoke.
Me: Oga J tell me something. How did it happen?
GEJ: The moment i told them that Mummy Patience was coming to speak to them. They all took off in various directions, shouting that they are afraid for their lives. They were shouting that they don't want to die young. It must be a sign of respect for Mummy patience. They must really respect her or how else do you explain the fact that people who are not scared of AK-47 are suddenly scared of Mummy Patience. It is simply too much Respect for her
Me: Aah, Oga J, You will not understand. If they had allowed Mummy to talk it would have been more than AK-47. They have too much respect. in fact the word is not Respect , it is Reskept. Help me tell Mummy that Nigerians Reskept her too much. Reskept is too much. if all fails, try Mummy P

THE END
Glossary
E fara buruku bale - Calm your useless self down
Abi Oponu ni man yi sha?  - Is this man a fool
E rori e , opolo e o ju ti apeja lo - Look at his head, his brain is just like that of a fisherman

Culled from http://www.facebook.com/notes/leigh-oluwole/how-to-disperse-a-crowd/10150130731363331

Thanks 4 d joke. Good script.