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Marriage On The Brink - Family - Nairaland

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Marriage On The Brink by Mist100: 11:04am On Apr 14, 2021
Please I need mature responses only.

I have been married for 5 years with 2 beautiful kids. During this period the marriage has been bumpy as most relationships. I noticed our approach to problems and seeking solutions are completely different hence the many disagreements. I like to plan whilst she is spontaneous.

But in the last 2 years my wife introduced a new twist. During major disagreements she would usually say she had big and classy dudes around her but she chose me. She would infer our difference in status by saying several friends wondered why she was marrying me. Currently I work and take care of all our bills whilst she is trying to start a business.

2 years ago My mum got our daughter Ankara clothes which my wife refused to dress my daughter with saying they were oversize. Months after I asked her for the clothes she said she gave them out because they weren't nice. I was so angry but kept my calm to avoid another altercation.

Everything seem calm now but I have made up my mind to discuss we taking breaks away from the marriage. This will allow us re-evaluate our expectations and realities. I honestly want out of the marriage but don't want to sound too hasty.

I want to spend the next 5 years and more in bliss and peace but wonder if my reaction is too extreme.

Thanks

1 Like

Re: Marriage On The Brink by Righteousness2(m): 11:10am On Apr 14, 2021
Calm Down Brother.
Divorce should not be the First solution to issues in the Home.

From your write up, you have not really had a Heart to Heart talk with your wife on the pains you feel with the words from her mouth. You seem to just maintain silence on that. That is not healthy because she might not even know the degree or level of pains her words carry.
Prepare for a Heart to Heart talk with her! And let her know how bad you feel.

It's not a bad idea for you two to take some few moments to have some personal times. But it should not be for Divorce or Break away.
Let it be for some Personal retreat with GOD.
Take sometime to pour out yourself to GOD and let Him Direct.

Divorce brings silent pains..

5 Likes

Re: Marriage On The Brink by parkervero(m): 11:21am On Apr 14, 2021
Mist100:
Please I need mature responses only.

I have been married for 5 years with 2 beautiful kids. During this period the marriage has been bumpy as most relationships. I noticed our approach to problems and seeking solutions are completely different hence the many disagreements. I like to plan whilst she is spontaneous.

But in the last 2 years my wife introduced a new twist. During major disagreements she would usually say she had big and classy dudes around her but she chose me. She would infer our difference in status by saying several friends wondered why she was marrying me. Currently I work and take care of all our bills whilst she is trying to start a business.

2 years ago My mum got our daughter Ankara clothes which my wife refused to dress my daughter with saying they were oversize. Months after I asked her for the clothes she said she gave them out because they weren't nice. I was so angry but kept my calm to avoid another altercation.

Everything seem calm now but I have made up my mind to discuss we taking breaks away from the marriage. This will allow us re-evaluate our expectations and realities. I honestly want out of the marriage but don't want to sound too hasty.

I want to spend the next 5 years and more in bliss and peace but wonder if my reaction is too extreme.

Thanks

I pity your future if you don't do the needful right now. Tell her you want a break from the marriage.
@bold I wonder what she is saying about you to those who are wondering why she got married to you. This is dangerous.

4 Likes

Re: Marriage On The Brink by descarado: 11:24am On Apr 14, 2021
If you need a break, please do take one.

The problem is how do you guys handle the kids and what happens after the break.

Your mind is already made up.

Wifey looks like somebody who is regretting getting married to you and her eyes are outside.

The moment you start listening to gossips about your man or wife, your marriage is already flying.

Alternatively, if you still wanna give it a push, she should start doing something. If you are the one providing the finance, make it look like you borrowed the fund for the start up and she should always give you account of how she run the biz. It's all to keep her busy and not slack of so she won't have time for gossip.
How will she still make friends with people who demean her husband and she is even telling you that.

3 Likes

Re: Marriage On The Brink by Nobody: 11:34am On Apr 14, 2021
You only projected her faults and the things she did but left yours behind the scene. Now one can't tell if you're actually innocent as you tried to make us believe.

A woman can not just wake up and start making such statement or comparison without any offence from you. No smoke without fire.

As for taking a break from your marriage. You can't have your cake and eat it. So marriage is not for better to stay, for bad to separate. Try to face and settle your marriage problems together. That's the only way the ties can get stronger and the gap bridged.

If you go your separate ways now, you'll only create room for another woman to creep into your life and coming back will become very difficult. So it's a not a good idea and definitely not the best way to resolve the issue.

Learn to face your problems squarely. It makes you a stronger person in the face of future adversity otherwise you'll keep running and never be able to overcome.

Stay put. With prayers and tolerance, hopefully you'll set things right and straight again.

10 Likes 1 Share

Re: Marriage On The Brink by WorkDesQ: 11:41am On Apr 14, 2021
There are two sides to every story and you could be spinning the reality of things to seek validation on whatever actions you take, if however the reverse is the case, then there's need to take a break, introspect, seek clarity for the journey forward.


I'm sorry I can't advice you cause I don't know every you both met or how you both live. In all I advice you both to be courteous, considerate, tolerant of one another and above all, live in the fear of God
Re: Marriage On The Brink by prince2pac(m): 11:46am On Apr 14, 2021
embarassed embarassed embarassed embarassed

I have never been in a relationship before, but I learn a lot everyday and I become scared of getting myself into one.. I don't play with my peace of mind..

Now back to the topic, with the little I have learnt and read, once couples are having issues and one person is bringing up the past, comparing one another with people whom they think are perfect, then a lot is amiss, it takes God's grace for that person not to cheat...

I hope you guys sort yourselves out amicably...

God abeg I don't want all these marriage, already I don see wahala for life tire..

lalasticlala
Re: Marriage On The Brink by Rickcutie(m): 12:26pm On Apr 14, 2021
Re: Marriage On The Brink by Mist100: 1:08pm On Apr 14, 2021
AsherAmari:
You only projected her faults and the things she did but left yours behind the scene. Now one can't tell if you're actually innocent as you tried to make us believe.

A woman can not just wake up and start making such statement or comparison without any offence from you. No smoke without fire.

As for taking a break from your marriage. You can't have your cake and eat it. So marriage is not for better to stay, for bad to separate. Try to face and settle your marriage problems together. That's the only way the ties can get stronger and the gap bridged.

If you go your separate ways now, you'll only create room for another woman to creep into your life and coming back will become very difficult. So it's a not a good idea and definitely not the best way to resolve the issue.

Learn to face your problems squarely. It makes you a stronger person in the face of future adversity otherwise you'll keep running and never be able to overcome.

Stay put. With prayers and tolerance, hopefully you'll set things right and straight again.



Thank you my good sister.

Like every situation and person, during heated arguments we verbally get at ourselves. And I use everyday expressions like "senseless". Never have I brought in her or my past relationships not to talk of making comparisons.

I have on a few occasions talked to her concerning these comparisons. I expressed understanding when she verbally gets at me but not to the point of comparisons that belittles.

1 Like

Re: Marriage On The Brink by Nobody: 1:38pm On Apr 14, 2021
Mist100:


Thank you my good sister.

Like every situation and person, during heated arguments we verbally get at ourselves. And I use everyday expressions like "senseless". Never have I brought in her or my past relationships not to talk of making comparisons.

I have on a few occasions talked to her concerning these comparisons. I expressed understanding when she verbally gets at me but not to the point of comparisons that belittles.


It is well.

The thing is, avoid any thing that will cause such heated arguments and try to restrain yourself from name calling and insults as much as possible. It doesn't.make you a weak man rather it will make you more recillient and have control over situations and before you know, anthing she does won't matter to you and she being a sensible human being will also begin to adjust when she sees Changes in you.

Look, marriage requires great consious effort to make it work coupled with prayers, otherwise, this institution will go into extinction. if we cant practise or exercise little patience, forgiveness and restraints in marriage, people will no longer consider marriage.

You're welcome.

6 Likes

Re: Marriage On The Brink by PrimadonnaO(f): 8:17pm On Apr 14, 2021
Mist100:


Thank you my good sister.

Like every situation and person, during heated arguments we verbally get at ourselves. And I use everyday expressions like "senseless". Never have I brought in her or my past relationships not to talk of making comparisons.

I have on a few occasions talked to her concerning these comparisons. I expressed understanding when she verbally gets at me but not to the point of comparisons that belittles.



Senseless is not an everyday expression.

You're clearly not innocent in the imminent breakdown of your home.

If you call her senseless, then you're emotionally abusive, and it's in desperate retaliation that she talks about wishing she had married someone else.

Oga, you're not doing something right.

My initial thought was that your wife is insensitive until I read your comment up there. You've been a catalyst to discord.

4 Likes

Re: Marriage On The Brink by VTJN(m): 8:47pm On Apr 14, 2021
Mist100:
Please I need mature responses only.

I have been married for 5 years with 2 beautiful kids. During this period the marriage has been bumpy as most relationships. I noticed our approach to problems and seeking solutions are completely different hence the many disagreements. I like to plan whilst she is spontaneous.

But in the last 2 years my wife introduced a new twist. During major disagreements she would usually say she had big and classy dudes around her but she chose me. She would infer our difference in status by saying several friends wondered why she was marrying me. Currently I work and take care of all our bills whilst she is trying to start a business.

2 years ago My mum got our daughter Ankara clothes which my wife refused to dress my daughter with saying they were oversize. Months after I asked her for the clothes she said she gave them out because they weren't nice. I was so angry but kept my calm to avoid another altercation.

Everything seem calm now but I have made up my mind to discuss we taking breaks away from the marriage. This will allow us re-evaluate our expectations and realities. I honestly want out of the marriage but don't want to sound too hasty.

I want to spend the next 5 years and more in bliss and peace but wonder if my reaction is too extreme.

Thanks
Yes you are too extreme, take a chill pill!
Re: Marriage On The Brink by Mist100: 9:55pm On Apr 14, 2021
PrimadonnaO:



Senseless is not an everyday expression.

You're clearly not innocent in the imminent breakdown of your home.

If you call her senseless, then you're emotionally abusive, and it's in desperate retaliation that she talks about wishing she had married someone else.

Oga, you're not doing something right.

My initial thought was that your wife is insensitive until I read your comment up there. You've been a catalyst to discord.

I agree that with you and it won't be appropriate stating "she said , I said". Realistically, It is not unusual for people in heated arguments to say things.
Re: Marriage On The Brink by qtguru(m): 10:06pm On Apr 14, 2021
parkervero:


I pity your future if you don't do the needful right now. Tell her you want a break from the marriage.
@bold I wonder what she is saying about you to those who are wondering why she got married to you. This is dangerous.

There are no breaks in Marriages o, this is Africa
Re: Marriage On The Brink by Elprima(m): 10:17pm On Apr 14, 2021
Mist100:


Thank you my good sister.

Like every situation and person, during heated arguments we verbally get at ourselves. And I use everyday expressions like "senseless". Never have I brought in her or my past relationships not to talk of making comparisons.

I have on a few occasions talked to her concerning these comparisons. I expressed understanding when she verbally gets at me but not to the point of comparisons that belittles.


Tbh, you and your wife have crossed sacred lines. When insults start flying around unhindered during disagreements, use of words to hurt the other party can no longer be regulated.

You need to learn to disagree firmly but maturely. You can't be calling your wife senseless and expect her to not hit back at you somehow.

Yes, referring to her other options is insulting and disrespectful, but so is name-calling. You guys need to reset this thing and learn to disagree like adults.

Finally, before taking a break, consider your vows and the welfare of your children going forward. Divorce is no joke and you could be damaging your children psychologically should you proceed with breaking off the union. Please, consider all angles and repercussion to all parties involved, yourself included.

Good luck.

2 Likes 1 Share

Re: Marriage On The Brink by faithugo64(f): 6:43am On Apr 15, 2021
Op, you and your wife needs to go back to the drawing board
Sit her down and gently talk about all the things trying to push you out of the marriage.
When you are done talking, allow her to talk to you about your own shortcomings too (yes, you are not entirely blameless). Then together, evaluate your problems and reach a compromise.
The tone of your voice when you start this conversation can either make or mar your marriage, so please try and be really polite, make it a heart to heart talk.

If she still won't listen to you, you may need to involve someone she listens to (a spiritual figure or a married mentor).

You may also need to make some serious rules in your marriage like no name calling during disagreements and all that.
Name calling plants hate in people's heart even after apologies have been tendered

To be frank, the issues you presented here are not enough to make you abandon your marital vows and your home.
Try to recall some of the good in her, do not let the negative ones cloud your sense of reasoning.
Give your marriage a chance one more time.

3 Likes

Re: Marriage On The Brink by jesmond3945: 7:34am On Apr 15, 2021
Mist100:
Please I need mature responses only.

I have been married for 5 years with 2 beautiful kids. During this period the marriage has been bumpy as most relationships. I noticed our approach to problems and seeking solutions are completely different hence the many disagreements. I like to plan whilst she is spontaneous.

But in the last 2 years my wife introduced a new twist. During major disagreements she would usually say she had big and classy dudes around her but she chose me. She would infer our difference in status by saying several friends wondered why she was marrying me. Currently I work and take care of all our bills whilst she is trying to start a business.

2 years ago My mum got our daughter Ankara clothes which my wife refused to dress my daughter with saying they were oversize. Months after I asked her for the clothes she said she gave them out because they weren't nice. I was so angry but kept my calm to avoid another altercation.

Everything seem calm now but I have made up my mind to discuss we taking breaks away from the marriage. This will allow us re-evaluate our expectations and realities. I honestly want out of the marriage but don't want to sound too hasty.

I want to spend the next 5 years and more in bliss and peace but wonder if my reaction is too extreme.

Thanks
yes is too extreme. Please consider your kids. Marriage involves a lot of hardwork, you let go of a lot of things for peace to reign. Is not easy but you have to do it so that your kids will grow up in a happy home.
Re: Marriage On The Brink by jesmond3945: 7:39am On Apr 15, 2021
Mist100:


Thank you my good sister.

Like every situation and person, during heated arguments we verbally get at ourselves. And I use everyday expressions like "senseless". Never have I brought in her or my past relationships not to talk of making comparisons.

I have on a few occasions talked to her concerning these comparisons. I expressed understanding when she verbally gets at me but not to the point of comparisons that belittles.

I would advise you this as someone who has been married for 10 years, one person should rant while the other keep quiet. Both of you should not be angry at the same time. This would always create a balance. As for the comparison please ignore. Women always use that to fight men it doesn't mean she didn't make the right choice.
Re: Marriage On The Brink by Saintmary(f): 4:06pm On Apr 15, 2021
Mist100:


Thank you my good sister.

Like every situation and person, during heated arguments we verbally get at ourselves. And I use everyday expressions like "senseless". Never have I brought in her or my past relationships not to talk of making comparisons.

I have on a few occasions talked to her concerning these comparisons. I expressed understanding when she verbally gets at me but not to the point of comparisons that belittles.


"Senseless" is not an everyday expression.

No sane man calls his wife senseless, apologize Sir, then sort out your differences.

No marriage is perfect.
Re: Marriage On The Brink by Saintmary(f): 4:10pm On Apr 15, 2021
Mist100:


I agree that with you and it won't be appropriate stating "she said , I said". Realistically, It is not unusual for people in heated arguments to say things.

The moment you start admitting your wrong, that's when things will get better.

It's not right to call your lover names even when you're angry at them. That's if you even see her as your lover.

Adjust now before you mess things up further.

Your marital challenges are small trust me.
Re: Marriage On The Brink by brownemmanuel43(m): 4:23pm On Apr 15, 2021
Op I understand your feelings and I know their are things u did not mention. Never u compromise your peace of mind with anything, if u feel like giving your marriage a break pls do so without hesitation. Don't mind all this evening newspaper telling to hv a heart to heart talk with your wife.
For her to even open her mouth to compare u with other men that means she did u a favour by marrying u meanwhile u paid her godamn bride price with your sweat and effort unless she was the one that married u.
As for your wonderful kids, u can send them to your sisters and be visiting weekends or monthly depending on the distance and your work schedule. Meanwhile if u make up your mind to give your marriage a break, first send the children to your sister before sending that your ungrateful wife to her mother for proper training and upbringing
Re: Marriage On The Brink by frozen70(f): 10:09pm On Apr 15, 2021
Mist100:
Please I need mature responses only.

I have been married for 5 years with 2 beautiful kids. During this period the marriage has been bumpy as most relationships. I noticed our approach to problems and seeking solutions are completely different hence the many disagreements. I like to plan whilst she is spontaneous.

But in the last 2 years my wife introduced a new twist. During major disagreements she would usually say she had big and classy dudes around her but she chose me. She would infer our difference in status by saying several friends wondered why she was marrying me. Currently I work and take care of all our bills whilst she is trying to start a business.

2 years ago My mum got our daughter Ankara clothes which my wife refused to dress my daughter with saying they were oversize. Months after I asked her for the clothes she said she gave them out because they weren't nice. I was so angry but kept my calm to avoid another altercation.

Everything seem calm now but I have made up my mind to discuss we taking breaks away from the marriage. This will allow us re-evaluate our expectations and realities. I honestly want out of the marriage but don't want to sound too hasty.

I want to spend the next 5 years and more in bliss and peace but wonder if my reaction is too extreme.

Thanks
Sorry about the issue on ground

Peace and happiness in marriage is what makes it interesting but the absence of both is enough to wreck the home

Separation is good if that will help you guys yo come back together and understand each other

Just take her and the kids to her family and tell them you want her to return to them for now because you are not finding peace with her

Just be ready to send allowances to them

Her family will invite you if they care about the marriage

She too can use the break to go and meet those people that she felt deserves her

At the end she will determine what is good tor her

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