A young man got married to a girl who happens to be the first born of the family. She has 5 other siblings and had lost her father years ago. She earns a little over 30k (shes a secondary school teacher) while the husband earns about 300k (hes a medical doctor) and they operate a joint account...

This lady feels she has to take responsibility for her mum and siblings as the first child, and so she sends them an average of 50k per month (minus small small expenses like tp to visit them, buy one or two things for them and all), and the husband is not comfortable with this at all and is always complaining (the husband also sends money to his people too and is currently sponsoring his own sister through medical school) that she is sending too much money to her people but she'll argue that the man is sponsoring his own sister, so why would she not try and support her own siblings....

The man argues that he makes enough money and thus can afford to sponsor his sister and still take care of his family, but she on the other hand is sending more money than she makes to her own people at the detriment of the home. He told her that if she must send money to her people, it should be from the money that is within her means (that is from her salary)...

She also wants to train her younger siblings who are in school and she wanted two of them to stay with them,but the husband is against it, he says they should focus on their family (they have 2kids) and forgo all other things, but if she insists then she should use her salary and rent a house for them else where or they should stay in the hostel since she's comparing herself to him (the man rented a house close to school for his sister who is studying medicine and surgery)

This sending money to her people brought so much problem to the extent that he had to stop operating a joint account with his wife, because the wife kept sending money to her people, and one certain time she spent about 180k to clear part of the school debt of her siblings, without the husband's knowledge or consent...

The Crux of the matter is that, anytime she asks him for money, he hardly gives it to her,
though he pays all the bills, school fees, clothes, food and all, but he hardly gives his wife money for any personal thing, when she makes a request, he'll tell her to use her own money, knowing fully well that she has probably sent all of it to her people...

This is causing so much trouble in their marriage, the woman doesn't cook for the man or does his laundry anymore (she only focuses on the kids), and because of this, the man had to bring in a maid and ever since the maid came to the house, the wahala has escalated....
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My question is, is it compulsory take on the responsibilities of your in-laws?? Does it mean because you married from a poor family that means, you have automatically become the bread winner of that family??

Because I believe that the root of the problem is that the woman expects the man to also sponser her sisters the same way he is sponsoring his own sister, she's expecting him to also carry the responsibilities of her people the same way he is carrying the responsibilities of his own people and since that is not happening, she feels her man doesn't care about her own people, thus the crisis

They both didn't sort out expected financial responsibilities before getting married.
The man knew who he was getting married to ...... a lady who is the first born of a family and had lost her father. What was he thinking when he decided to marry her? He wasn't thinking that she has a lot of responsibility to take and that getting married to her will mean helping out too? He shouldn't have married her if it was only her he wanted and nothing to do for her family.
I think he should budge here. Look at what he can afford and make contributions.It is not mandatory for him to do but it is the right thing to do in this circumstance.
If they keep going this way, they will never have a happy marriage.

thorpido:
They both didn't sort out expected financial responsibilities before getting married.
The man knew who he was getting married to ...... a lady who is the first born of a family and had lost her father. What was he thinking when he decided to marry her? He wasn't thinking that she has a lot of responsibility to take and that getting married to her will mean helping out too? He shouldn't have married her if it was only her he wanted and nothing to do for her family.
I think he should budge here. Look at what he can afford and make contributions.It is not mandatory for him to do but it is the right thing to do in this circumstance.
If they keep going this way, they will never have a happy marriage.

Thank you so much for your contribution sir...
If I get you correctly, he should make contribution towards his in-laws welfare... What then should be the extent of the contribution he should make in this case??

But outside this context, should a man be responsible for his in-laws??

I concur with thorpido.. It's not mandatory but he can help out if he can.. Yhh I know that it's one thing to want to help out and then for people to feel entitled to it but with the way they're going about it, sorry to say this their relationship will outrightly fall apart.

1F30M4:
I concur with thorpido.. It's not mandatory but he can help out if he can.. Yhh I know that it's one thing to want to help out and then for people to feel entitled to it but with the way they're going about it, sorry to say this their relationship will outrightly fall apart.

Thank you for your input ma'am...
You said it's awk to help out, but is it also awk of he doesn't want to help out??

And I think it's the entitlement mentality that's even aggraviating the whole issue...

thorpido:
They both didn't sort out expected financial responsibilities before getting married.
The man knew who he was getting married to ...... a lady who is the first born of a family and had lost her father. What was he thinking when he decided to marry her? He wasn't thinking that she has a lot of responsibility to take and that getting married to her will mean helping out too? He shouldn't have married her if it was only her he wanted and nothing to do for her family.
I think he should budge here. Look at what he can afford and make contributions.It is not mandatory for him to do but it is the right thing to do in this circumstance.
If they keep going this way, they will never have a happy marriage.

Na him go carry the load put for him own head so.

@favfables:

Very funny story because the husband is actually viewing the problem from a 'equality' point of view:

Everyone should take care of their own families.

The wife stopped cooking and doing laundry (which I believe is the part of the woman's duty in this marriage) for a man who pays all the bills

Anyways, the husband should drop his feminism and 'equality' cap and look at the situation critically and with love.

He married a poor woman who had five siblings hence he should have figured that his wife would cater for her family with his money . If he did not want that, he should have married a woman who can either singlehandedly sponsor her family or doesn't have a poor family to cater for.

The deed is done and there is no going back:

Let him discuss with his wife and agree the amount they can comfortably spare for both extended family per month/quarterly because N330k is not so much in today's Nigeria.

The wife is very entitled, ungrateful and irrational. There is a way she will handle the issue that it would be de-escalated quickly.

@bukatyne:

Very funny story because the husband is actually viewing the problem from a 'equality' point of view: ((I think so too, nice observation ))

Everyone should take care of their own families.((awk))

The wife stopped cooking and doing laundry (which I believe is the part of the woman's duty in this marriage) for a man who pays all the bills ((i don't think the woman made a smart decision))

Anyways, the husband should drop his feminism and 'equality' cap and look at the situation critically and with love. ((Hmmm... It'll be difficult o, considering the fact that his wife is comparing how he treats his siblings with how she treat hers))

He married a poor woman who had five siblings hence he should have figured that his wife would cater for her family with his money . If he did not want that, he should have married a woman who can either singlehandedly sponsor her family or doesn't have a poor family to cater for.((I share this thoughts too))

The deed is done and there is no going back:

Let him discuss with his wife and agree the amount they can comfortably spare for both extended family per month/quarterly because N330k is not so much in today's Nigeria.((him?? I don't think the man will bring this up o, because I believe to him as long as his sister and kids are awk he's fine, that's probably why even with the issue in the house, he hasn't relented in taking care of the bills))

The wife is very entitled, ungrateful and irrational. There is a way she will handle the issue that it would be de-escalated quickly. ((My dear I know the woman loves her family, but like you said, there's a way to handle this issue, maybe if she would have handled it better, she probably would have gotten what she wants[/quote]

Favfables:


Thank you so much for your contribution sir...
If I get you correctly, he should make contribution towards his in-laws welfare... What then should be the extent of the contribution he should make in this case??

But outside this context, should a man be responsible for his in-laws??

They should discuss it and see where and what he can afford.

A man getting married to a woman becomes part of the woman's family. People should see marriage that way. When you are getting married to someone, you need to know what role that person plays in his or her family. You become a co-player(at your own determined extent)when you marry that person.

Favfables:


Thank you for your input ma'am...
You said it's awk to help out, but is it also awk of he doesn't want to help out??

And I think it's the entitlement mentality that's even aggraviating the whole issue...

Exactly, the entitlement mentality on the part of the wife.. This is something that they could've really talked about, maybe the man wouldn't feel the way he does now and they would've "met halfway".. Back to your question, not okay in this case cos he knew the situation of things with them before marrying their first child & daughter, whom they'll always turn to in their time of need, he should be in a position to help out in love any way he can.. I really hope they get to resolve things amicably.

When you definitely overlook all the red flags in a relationship and went ahead and got married, wetin you dey expect las las?

thorpido:
They should discuss it and see where and what he can afford.

A man getting married to a woman becomes part of the woman's family. People should see marriage that way. When you are getring married to someone, you need to know what role that person plays in his or her family. You become a co-player(at your own determined extent)when you marry that person.

Hmmm...
I honestly wish everyone can see marriage from this perspective... Probably they're still living in the illusion that "love conquers all'

Thank you for your input...

1F30M4:


Exactly, the entitlement mentality on the part of the wife.. This is something that they could've really talked about, maybe the man wouldn't feel the way he does now and they would've "met halfway".. Back to your question, not okay in this case cos he knew the situation of things with them before marrying their first child & daughter, whom they'll always turn to in their time of need, he should be in a position to help out in love any way he can.. I really hope they get to resolve things amicably.

I hope so too...
Thank you so much for your input

I am an advocate of men not taking up burden they can't afford to carry. If he allows his wife he will die of HBP and penniless. He made a mistake by marrying the lady. He can correct it by divorcing her since he is not benefiting anything.

Kobojunkie:
Na him go carry the load put for him own head so.

He no go put for head but make he carry small for hand.

This story is so funny.
The man married an entitled wife from an entitled family. Let him deal with the consequences of allowing a woman who does not even have financial stability to continue to bully him into submission.

She took advantage of the fact that they ran a joint account. But she should have understood that it was not her money and she couldn't just spend it on her family.

She earns 30k and sends over that amount to her family. That means she does not contribute anything from her salary to her own home, but she's even collecting from the one the husband makes to add to her salary to send to them monthly.

She needs to make her siblings and mum understand that she can't carry all their financial expenses. Because it seems she makes them relax and believe she can handle everything. How was she coping before she got married?

She needs to give attention to her own family too. If it's all about her siblings and mum, that marriage will continue to be shaky.