What Would You Do? - Family - Nairaland
Nairaland Forum / Nairaland / General / Family / What Would You Do? (1897 Views)
| What Would You Do? by ilandBabe: 3:16am On Jun 07, 2011 |
What would you do if you were in my situation: i live in the U.S. but met this guy back in Nigeria through one of my family members. He is a friend of one of my relations. We dated, fell in love and got married. He was wonderful in every sense of the word. he would go out of his way for me, was very loving. He is not the most romantic guy out there (at least not in the western sense of the word), but he tried and I knew he was making a lot of effort to make the relationship work. He was also doing very okay financially as a professional with an oil company and would usually foot the lionshare of whatever was spent when i came to see him. he also foot the bill for the wedding in Nigeria and honeymoon - although i contributed of course. And we had a lavish wedding, although not excessive. Anyway, i say all this to show that he was not just using me as an escape from Nigeria, as he was comfortable back home. ANyway, he recently confessed that in our young marriage (less than 2 years), he has cheated on me twice - once on our honeymoon with a girl in the hotel (as in the very week we got married!). The second was with his ex girlfriend during the first month of our marriage - after our marriage and honeymoon, i came back here while he remained for about a month or so to clear up a few things before coming to join me. The confession came about 4 months ago. He was really broken and was asking for forgiveness. We have both become more serious about our Christian walk in the last year of our marriage, and so we were counseled by a christian couple through the discovery of the affair. And I knew as a christian, I had to forgive him. i believe i actually have forgiven him because i wish him no ill and only want the best for him. he is is still my best friend and I still love him. The problem is that I can't let go. The pain of betrayal still hurts deeply and i am beginning to hink maybe i should just let go of this marriage, chuck it up to experience and wait to meet someone else without the baggage of such an early betrayal. I only have bitter memories of the honeymoon now and whenevrr i am upset with him about anything (even something totally unrelated to the affairs) the thought of the affairs comes t o my mind and i become really sad and depressed. He was understanding initially (perhaps the initial month after the affair). Now, he thinks i am just bringing up the affair whenver i am upset, just to make him feel guilty. This is not entirely false because i think i do bring up the affair sometimes because i want him to appreciate the betrayal and hurt that it caused. i do not want to condemn him because i know God has forgiven him, but i wonder if i can really be happy in this marriage again. Thoughts? Advice? |
| Re: What Would You Do? by Blazay(m): 8:15am On Jun 07, 2011 |
All men cheat in marriages. I REPEAT. . .ALL MEN! White o, black o, red o, yellow o. . . .no exception. The ones that pretend the most are the very WORST!  If a whole Arnold can cheat with a very UGLY housemaid in Maria's bed. . . ?  Any woman that really wants her sanity maintained should learn how to invest in multiple 'love interests'.  You will never suffer any form of heart break and you would learn also the greatest art of self-preservation. Well, you have experienced first hand why you should trust NO man, especially a spiritually-underdeveloped African male.  Christians are human beings too. The choice is yours to forgive what you can NEVER forget. You don't have to be the 'proverbial' woman scorned. You have 2 options. 1. Terminate the marriage and find some form of closure. 2. Remain there and honor your vows for better for worse. . .like you took them. I would remain there . . . for one reason only. The grass is NEVER greener on the outside. Besides, that is what marriage all about. . . A long race to the finishing line. . .of emotional/physical battles. You only have scars to show for it. Good luck! |
| Re: What Would You Do? by Nobody: 8:28am On Jun 07, 2011 |
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| Re: What Would You Do? by babyme1(f): 8:55am On Jun 07, 2011 |
That is why all this confession stuff is not really healthy for relationships  He told you about the affairs on his own, and i think you should forgive him. It may take you long to forget and trust him again after this, but don't quite your marriage. Will you prefer a man that will sleep with anything in skirt and still pretend to be a saint bc that is what most men are. Like CC said, he sounds like a responsible man and i will advice you to stay put and make your marriage work. All the best. |
| Re: What Would You Do? by Nobody: 10:51am On Jun 07, 2011 |
^^^Lol , the man for kuku keep quiet  . I must commend him though for confessing  There are some secrets that should go with you to the grave. What you don't know won't hurt you. I remember one thread where a dude came on here and told us he does not like this house maid his wife hired because she was too sexy and was scared he'd sleep with her and the poor wife wanted to know why her husband wants to send the gurl back to her family, so the dude was kinda like contemplating on whether to tell the truth or not. Some posters told him to tell is wife the truth some (like me) told him to keep shush, Na today tell a woman you are lusting after an 18 yr old and her mind go race begin count how many women you have cheated on her with and how many you have actually wished you could sleep with.No be women again |
| Re: What Would You Do? by Natasha2(f): 11:22am On Jun 07, 2011 |
[b]sweet hear don't leave him I admit what he did was so wrong like WTF the first week of your marriage? if not that you mentioned you have been getting close to God lately i would have said ''someone who can cheat on you on the first week of your marriage doesn't deserve a second chance'' now I want you to reason 1 He could have lied about the time he cheated on you without you knowing ''but clearly he didn't'' 2 he could have kept it to himself forever without you knowing ''but he didn't'' 3 he came out plainly and confessed to you ''you didn't catch him doing any of these'' 4 he took a bold step to tell you this cos he felt you have a right to know and mostly because he wants to come out clean hoping that you would forgive him and then you guys can move on 5 He did what most men would never do ''confess that they cheated especially when the second party has no Idea'' 6 he cheated on you twice and never did it again ''that's what i want to believe as to his confession'' 7 would you have prefered him not telling you ''and later get to know from someone else'' 8 he knew you would hurt so much but he still told you ''you don't have to bring up the affair when its not necessary or frequently, trust me you would not only make him suffer more you will also make him wish he never told you, and God forbid if he makes any mistake he would never let you know but I pray he doesn't 9 I want you to remember this ''your guy could have gone the whole marriage without letting you know but he didn't He cheated yes but clearly he needs your true forgiveness, he knew you would hurt but that did not hold him back from telling the truth, You see all I'm trying to make you see is you have a great guy we all make mistakes he came out plainly and confessed I think he needs your forgiveness and your love again I know it would be difficult but with God's help you will get over it, I'll advice that you make the bond with your husband stronger this is not a time for you to be apart, try to do stuffs together its going to be difficult but sooner or later you will pick up , Good luck sweery, don't leave your man [/b] 1 Like |
| Re: What Would You Do? by Bawss1(m): 11:26am On Jun 07, 2011 |
Some of the comments here reeks of stereotyping men. Sheessh!  |
| Re: What Would You Do? by Nobody: 11:32am On Jun 07, 2011 |
^^^Na lie? una no dey cheat |
| Re: What Would You Do? by Bawss1(m): 11:36am On Jun 07, 2011 |
People cheat. Men and women. It is annoying to hear statements like all men cheat. Any woman who says such is effectively saying her father, brother and son also cheat. |
| Re: What Would You Do? by Nobody: 11:37am On Jun 07, 2011 |
^^ I have to agree with you there. Not all men cheat(as in shag other babes outside their's) |
| Re: What Would You Do? by Nobody: 12:19pm On Jun 07, 2011 |
Na wa oh . . . . How can a man sleep with a girl in his honeymoon hotel  Gosh! And yet he had the guts to confess . . . . Did he confess out of real guilt or out of selfishness? He was prolly battling with his conscience and thought the best way out way out was to confess and be 'forgiven'! Did he even think what his 'confession' would do to his poor wife? Some things are just not meant to be said abeg. "A man who cannot lie to a woman has little regards for her feeling . . . " |
| Re: What Would You Do? by Nobody: 12:27pm On Jun 07, 2011 |
Natasha,,: First of all, if a man says he did it 'twice', then he prolly did it 10x! Secondly, how can you not see the selfishness in his actions? If cheating on his wife was such a grave mistake then how come he did it again? They a mistake done twice is now a habit! Okay, what was he expecting from his confession  Forgiveness Would he forgive her if the tables were turned I don't ask for forgiveness for what I cannot forgive myself!If he felt that badly he should have carried the guilt in his heart and lived with it for the rest of his life . . . That will be his PENANCE. Not unloading the whole baggage on his unsuspecting wife who now has to live with it and battle with the 'forgiveness', while he feels liberated from his 'confession'! Please don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to discourage the poster from forgiving. But let's not count his confession as a point! |
| Re: What Would You Do? by Nobody: 12:32pm On Jun 07, 2011 |
@ Poster What would I do? Of course I'll forgive him cos like AJ said, it's for better for worse . . . . Walking out of a marriage because he cheated is like the silliest thing to do because the next guy will definitely cheat and so on! When a woman decides to get married, she makes a mental decision to live with things like this. Not out of love, but out of duty. If my man does a one-night stand with some bimbo on our honeymoon, I will forgive him. But it will haunt me forever! So my prospective hubby, if you are reading this . . If you ever feel the urge to tell me about that 3-sum on the eve of our wedding, or that fling on our honeymoon, or that quickie on the day I was having our first child . . . . Please I beg you, DON'T! I already forgive you, but please spare me the details! |
| Re: What Would You Do? by Nobody: 12:50pm On Jun 07, 2011 |
.. |
| Re: What Would You Do? by Natasha2(f): 12:58pm On Jun 07, 2011 |
Ujujoan:Ujo before ever he thought of confessing it means he has already repented off his bad deeds and how do you know he won't forgive her if the tables were turned? at least I have a friend who couldn't leave his cheating girlfriend he was always ready to forgive her and it became annoying , Its obvious he has realised himself I think its only fair that she gives him another chance |
| Re: What Would You Do? by Nobody: 1:17pm On Jun 07, 2011 |
CC I think it's quite harsh for a man to tell his wife . . . '' I want us to send that gurl back because If she stays here ,I most probably will be sleeping with the both of you'' . . . No matter how he sugar coats his tongue, we all know the msg is a clear and harsh one. Making comments about one female passersby behind na easy case naaaa. BTW I have been banned from watching vicker's movies but that's a story for another day  A lot of women are conditioned to believe that all men cheat, my mama never thought me that, she only told me to shine my eyes well. |
| Re: What Would You Do? by Nobody: 1:27pm On Jun 07, 2011 |
Natasha,,: Haba. How can you equate this with cheating in a relationship? He didn't just cheat on his wife, he had a fling on their honeymoon! I tell you, 1% of the male population will forgive a woman if she does something like this, and that will prolly be because she is feeding and housing him! That's cold . . . and please don't tell me he 'repented'! If indeed he did repent, then he should have been willing to deal with the baggage, instead of transferring it to his wife! |
| Re: What Would You Do? by babyme1(f): 2:41pm On Jun 07, 2011 |
Ujujoan: Uju bia, where did you hear that? |
| Re: What Would You Do? by Nobody: 2:48pm On Jun 07, 2011 |
baby.me: |
| Re: What Would You Do? by babyme1(f): 2:57pm On Jun 07, 2011 |
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| Re: What Would You Do? by Nobody: 3:13pm On Jun 07, 2011 |
Oya no vex na . . . . But I still think somethings are just not meant to be said. |
| Re: What Would You Do? by DBestDoc(f): 4:44pm On Jun 07, 2011 |
I just tire for Men sha.If it was the lady that did this same thing,yawah for don gas.Not fair at all.  Really don't know what to say Just try as much as you can to make yourself happy.Don't consider breaking up yet |
| Re: What Would You Do? by dayokanu(m): 5:26pm On Jun 07, 2011 |
Ujujoan: I know say you be correct person you just dey form since. I wont tell you I cheated on you with JK, Busybody, Odunnu, ifyalways, armyofone, Idowuogbo, tpia all in our first week of marriage @Topic, The guy phock up, WHy e go confess, What does he stand to gain from confessing? @OP, If you want to break up go ahead and do so, The guy confessed and he knew you accepting him back was 50-50, So if you cant forgive just dump him instead of burdening him with the guilt for life. Some can forgive, some cant. Hilary Clinton did, Tiger Woods wife didnt. |
| Re: What Would You Do? by Natasha2(f): 6:16pm On Jun 07, 2011 |
Ujujoan:anyways that's how you see it but I still think she should give him a second chance , this is not about if tables were turned so lets forget it for now |
| Re: What Would You Do? by armyofone(m): 6:40pm On Jun 07, 2011 |
all is fair in love and war. nice of him to have told you. ask him what will be his reaction if you go out and do the same. anyway forgive him, the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know. but your man tried o, honeymoon day?? wow! not funny at all at all. where were you? i thot couple doing honeymoon should so siamese twins i mean stay by his side all the time. |
| Re: What Would You Do? by dayokanu(m): 6:52pm On Jun 07, 2011 |
armyofone: So when we are ding honeymoon na 24hrs we go dey phock? I tire for you Okoro-Yoruba people ooo MU HE HE HEE |
| Re: What Would You Do? by Natasha2(f): 7:13pm On Jun 07, 2011 |
^^LMAO that was rather harsh |
| Re: What Would You Do? by Outstrip(f): 7:27pm On Jun 07, 2011 |
The part that bothers me is some random girl at the hotel. That is another level right there. Your reaction is totally normal but I have to say that I believe that you guys can get through this with time. Your husband needs to understand though that he paid the piper and now her has to dance. Even if it means for the rest of his life. He needs to be remorseful as long as it takes you to get over it and you will get over it eventually. You seem to be trying but I think his reaction to your pain is really inconsiderate and is actually making the road to healing more difficult. I suggest that you guys not stop counseling yet. I recommend you guys stick with couselling for as long as it takes. |
| Re: What Would You Do? by armyofone(m): 7:30pm On Jun 07, 2011 |
harsh? from a jellyfish? his sting no get pawa. na only phock you sabi, onye ara. honeymoon isn't only for that. we will be together strolling by the beach and planning the future, yeye guy  |
| Re: What Would You Do? by dayokanu(m): 7:45pm On Jun 07, 2011 |
armyofone: You know you go jelly when I touch you. Strolling on which beach, Abeg leave beach out of this we would only plan future on the bed |
| Re: What Would You Do? by ilandBabe: 7:47pm On Jun 07, 2011 |
Thanks for all the comments, I know the dutiful thing to do is to stay and try to make it work. But is the dutiful thing necessarily the best thing in the long run? We had a disagreement two days ago - he made a comment to me a week or so ago that i take him for granted and that it will come back to hurt me. He said this because we were on a trip somewhere and he wanted me to take a picture of him, while we were walking to a restaurant. When I stopped to take a picture, a security guard came by to ask if we needed directions becuase we looked a little lost. So i told the guard we were walking to a restaurant and did not quite know how to get there. he offered to walk us to the restaurant, so i started walking with the guard. My husband got offended because he felt i should have finished taking the picture of him before leaving with the guard. That's when he said i take him for granted. he actually said a woman who takes her husband for granted will be hurt in the end. The statement relaly bothered me because to me he was implying he would leave for some other chick who does not take him for granted or would cheat again. Anyway, i did not say anything about the comment because i did not want to argue. but i really felt sad and all the insecurities i had about the marriage came back. then a couple of days ago, he wanted me to move one of the cars from our frontyard because it was blockign the driveway and he was about to back the other car out of the driveway. But he said it in that commanding , kind of yelling tone (common to many Nigerian men, i think) - and i don't like it. So i told him i was not going to move the car if he kept yelling at me. then he called me stubborn and i threw his comment about taking him for granted at him and whether that means he will cheat again - needless to say, it did not go well. We have not spoke in two days now (besides, hi and bye). i feel like just telling him we should separate for a while. |
| Re: What Would You Do? by ilandBabe: 8:04pm On Jun 07, 2011 |
By the way, i understand the comments regarding how he found time to cheat on our honeymoon. it was one of the first question i asked as well. In my mind, i thought we were together 24/7. I had no recollection of us being apart at all on the honeymoon. But he reminded me that we were in fact apart a few minutes one day and for a few hours another day during the honeymoon. The day before he cheated, he and I were at the beach relaxing and we ordered some drinks and lunch. A lady brought the lunch (i can't even remember anything about what she looked like - but according to him she had a pretty face) and as she was setting the lunch, i remember i ran back to the hotel room to pick something up - i was gone for less than 10 minutes. Apparently during that time, they chatted and exchanged numbers. Then the next day, we had an active morning sight seeing. i was a bit tired after that and we decided to go back to the hotel and relax and i wanted to take a nap. He encouraged me to take a nap while he went downstairs to the hotel bar to get a drink. I said okay and asked him to come back in an hour. this was like 2pm in the afternoon. He was gone for about 4 and 1/2 hours - apparently, he called the girl from the day before, he took a taxi to meet her, and she took him to another hotel and they had sex there (he paid for the room). Meanwhile, I slept and woke up, called him on his cell and there was no answer, walked downstairs to the bar and could not find him. i was actually afraid something happened to him. he later came back and told me that he walked to a bar down the street and just chatted with some locals, had a little to much to drink and lost track of time. I remember being upset that he did not think to call me and did not pick up my call, but i did not think for one second that he was off with another woman. the thought never came to my head. i was more glad that he was okay and i was mad at him for like an hour, and then after that, we went out to eat and continued on our honeymoon. i completely forgot about the incident until he confessed and i was asking how he found time to cheat. |
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