iland Babe, during the first year of our marriage, or maybe the first couple of years, my husband and I had the same kind of arguments. No cheating involved, but serious things we did that hurt each other. I used to react a bit like you, I felt that, because of the "good" I was doing to my husband (in your case, that would be forgiving him) he should be grateful, and I kept bringing up the "bad" he did. My husband reacted like yours, warning me that if I kept pushing him he'd go elsewhere, where he'd get respect. I now believe that he was telling me this as a real warning, out of love, and not as a threat, but back then it was always making me more mad.

Things only started to settle when I gave up the right to use the "bad" against him. I realized that I wasn't a saint either, and that I had truly hurt him too. For the sake of love, I shut up. It was actually difficult at the beginning because for the first few months, he was so used to me yelling back at him that he kept being very defensive. I let him be, and with time, he realized I would not answer back if he had something bad to tell me. From there, we started learning how to solve our problems through more talking and less arguing.

You got married to that man, give up only after you gave it a real try. So, give it a real try. Find a way to express all your anger and pain, write it, go to gym, talk to a counselor, whatever works, and do it as often as necessary. But show your husband that you wouldn't use that as a weapon against him.

^^ The fact that it worked out well for you, does not mean it'll work out well for everybody even if they decide to worship the ground their hubby's stand on.

@ilandbabe
Forget about having kids for now until this whole mess is all sorted out and you think you can forgive him well enough to move on.

iland Babe:

Thanks for all the comments, I know the dutiful thing to do is to stay and try to  make it work.   But is the dutiful thing necessarily the best thing in the long run?

We had a disagreement two days ago  - he made a comment to me a week or so ago that i take him for granted and that it will come back to hurt me.  He said this because we were on a trip somewhere and he wanted me to take a picture of him, while we were walking to a restaurant.  When I stopped to take a picture, a security guard came by to ask if we needed directions becuase we looked a little lost.  So i told the guard we were walking to a restaurant and did not quite know how to get there.  he offered to walk us to the restaurant, so i started walking with the guard.  My husband got offended because he felt i should have finished taking the picture of him before leaving with the guard.  That's when he said i take him for granted.  he actually said a woman who takes her husband for granted will be hurt in the end.  The statement relaly bothered me because to me he was implying he would leave for some other chick who does not take him for granted or would cheat again.  Anyway, i  did not say anything about the comment because i did not want to argue.  but i really felt sad and all the insecurities i had about the marriage came back.

then a couple of days ago, he wanted me to move one of the cars from our frontyard because it was blockign the driveway and he was about to back the other car out of the driveway.  But he said it in that commanding , kind of yelling tone (common to many Nigerian men, i think) - and i don't like it.  So i told him i was not going to move the car if he kept yelling at me.  then he called me stubborn and i threw his comment about taking him for granted at him and whether that means he will cheat again - needless to say, it did not go well.  We have not spoke in two days now (besides, hi and bye).  i feel like just telling him we should separate for a while.

Please don't be offended . . . . how is your sex life?

I say this because I believe a man can love a woman and yet NOT enjoy sex with her. If one enters such a marriage, then cheating is inevitable.

I just can't seem to wrap it around my head that a man will, on his honeymoon, have a fling with some girl 'with a pretty face'

Obviously, he did it for the sex and why else would he do it if not for the fact that it's not so good with you!

I could be wrong dou, but I'm just saying . . . .

Why should you forgive him? Everyone seems to take it for granted that you will forgive him even your husband! I am with Dayokanu on this one. He should take the guilt of your shoulders and be in the doghouse. Ask for a trial separation, maybe he needs time to decide if he wants to be with you or with random 'pretty faces'. No matter what he says now, you need to keep your eyes peeled and trust him very little.

However, I have a problem with the way you handle confrontations. You can't ignore a statement today and then bring it up tomorrow. It shows that you can keep a grudge. If something annoys you, tell him in a nice way. Don't wait for the next argument to throw it in his face. It makes you sound petty and immature.

Goodluck anyway.

jennykadry:

^^ The fact that it worked out well for you, does not mean it'll work out well for everybody even if they decide to worship the ground their hubby's stand on.

You are right, there is no universal recipe to make a relationship work, I just felt my testimony could be useful since I don't think keeping grudges will help. Either she decides to forgive him and she has to stop bringing the topic up in every argument, or she decides she cannot and has to separate. Meanwhile, she can still be honest with him and herself and explain that she thinks forgiving him is the right thing to do but that she hasn't done it yet and still need time.

I am not sure taking a final decision now is the proper thing to do, it is still quite recent, Only the poster knows how she feels about it, I'd say give it a real try and work hard at it, but I am not in her shoes.

Thanks for all the comments. I did tell my husband last night that I think this whole thing is too much for me right now and that i need help emotionally to heal. I am also the only one supporting us right now financially as he tries to get on his feet in the U.S. now, in a pretty demanding and stressful job which takes a lot of my time and energy. This is not helping. we are going to try a professional counselor to see if it makes a difference. if not- we may be heading down separation of some sort. I feel bad saying this, but i kind of miss my old single life - my independence. I actually think i was happier then as opposed to now!

I wish i was brought up to believe all men cheat. I was not and, maybe naively, do not believe all men cheat, or at least not so early on in a marriage. So this is really hard for me to take. I kind of feel shortchanged in a way. My husband on the other hand, grew up in a polygamous home, so i don;t think he sees affairs the same way i do. While he does not approve of polygamy - he basically thinks cheating is a sin against God, ask God for forgiveness and he will forgive, apologize to wife and everybody move on.


For the poster who asked about our sex life - i did ask my husband the same question: whether he enjoys making love to me. His response was "passionately." I asked him whether he finds me attractive. He said "very." Maybe he is saying these cos he does not want to hurt my feelings.

I agree about the comments re holding things in. I am actually generally the opposite and don't hold grudges (although I am holding a grudge with this affair, i must confess.). He used to complement me on the fact that i don't hold grudges, because he generally does. My usual method of dealing with conflict is to get upset, lash out at once and be done with it. Then we can be friends again. However, i have been counseled that this method is not good either because it leads to lots of arguing and my husband actually does not respond to it : i lash out, hubby shuts down, i get frustrated that he is not responding, so i lash out even more, hubby gives me silent treatment for days, i get upset, usually end up crying - unhealthy cycle continues.

I am now trying to do the opposite - not lash out immediately but take a moment to process what happenend and determine if it is a big deal and warrants further discussion. The problem is that now, i convince myself that the issue i am upset about is not worth discussing and then try to suppress it and let it go - especially if it is something that may expose my insecurities about the marriage. But then when we have another argument, it comes up and catches hubby unaware. SO I'm working on finding the balance. I also know that my responses to triggers of the affair are all over the place right now - no consistency in my reaction to them.

Anyway, thanks everyone.

so sad about what you are passing thru. It really touched my heart. Ur husband wants to use this "sin and confess to wife and apologize method for you, to make him feel good, which i think if you keep buying, it will persist. U need to be firm with him, lay out ur cards and tell him what u intend doing if such re-occur. Sometimes we women need to be firm about our decisions. Use ur woman power over him to make him sit firm and tight!!


Don't know why i so feel his uncalled for confessions is actually on purpose to really get at you. Not like his remorse sef. He might be a silly game player

You need to decide what you want to do with him really quick.

He has done what he did and you cant reverse it, If you think you cant deal with it on the long run, let him go out and thats it for the marriage cos he wont be coming back. If you think you can deal with it, Have a final discussion about it and let it go for ever with a caveat ( If he is ever caught cheating again. . . that would be it)

If you keep reminding him of it, It would only push him away from you further and he might just be bidding his time to set his foot on the ground properly before he leaves you on account of that.

Secondly, if you go for a trial separation now, He would leave the house either survive and think you are the meanest person by bringing him to the US and kicking him out in the cold or  find another woman who would take him in and he would never come back to you unless as just phock buddies.

In the alternative he might leave the US entirely since he wasnt suffering in Nigeria and go back home.

DECIDE on what to do very soon and act on it very fast.

The brutal truth is that the fact that when people cheat, it doesnt mean they don't love their spouse. Most guys I know that cheat would tell the outside lady and tell her never to let the wife at home know. Some people cant just resist the allure of a woman outside. THATS THE BRUTAL TRUTH.

This is not peculiar to Nigerian men alone, Millions of American men both white black and hispanic cheat daily.

I am sure you heard the news 2 days ago of Rep Weiner who was caught sexting and sending lewd pictures to a girl he met online, If he had the chance he would sleep with the girl.

Hilary was not brought up to accept that men cheat but she forgave Bill and continued her life, So its not a Nigerian thing abeg

Plus Hilary Clinton had her own boyfriends shinning her well well.
Hunky Arkansas highyway patrol men.
Way to go if any woman wants to keep her marriage.

GO HILARY AND BILL CLINTON. . . .Chop, clean mouth and waka jare!
By God keep that marriage certificate.
Divorce is for failures.

Don't mind all the women shouting NOT all men cheat. Ha!
Most of them snatched other women's husbands o. . .
Not to mention that the men are still cheating under their koro-koro eyes.
Come dey type nonsense for h-internet.

Some are even 5th or 10th wives kpa kpa! All na marriage ke!

Mu he he he he he

Blazay:

Plus Hilary Clinton had her own boyfriends shinning her well well.
Hunky Arkansas highyway patrol men.
Way to go if any woman wants to keep her marriage.

GO HILARY AND BILL CLINTON. . . .Chop, clean mouth and waka jare!
By God keep that marriage certificate.
Divorce is for failures.

Blazay, How far na?

@OP-
sorry to hear all this. i think you've taken the correct steps which is to get counseling together. you know him better than anyone on NL. if he is truly remorseful and wants to work this out, then i say stick it out and try your best to move past this together.
i find it so disturbing that he cheated so early on, though. has he ever said why? the ex girlfriend thing i can maybe see, but the stranger? there's more to the story there.
i agree with what someone else said about holding grudges. try not to do that. obviously with this, it will take more time, and he needs to know and respect that, since he is the reason everything is such a mess to begin with.
good luck to you both. you seem to be willing to do the work. if he is truly remorseful and is willing to be humble and fix this, then you two will be just fine in time, and maybe even stronger for it.

Certainly a somewhat selfish act on his part. Good thing that he at least confessed to you though. You seem like a pleasant person that does not deserve this. I kind of feel for you and hope you guys can work it out. Best of luck!

this shud serve as an eye opener to some naive peeps out there,
probablly more than 80% of men cheat/hv cheated/nursing an ambition 2 cheat, by denying the fact, you are just being the proverbial ostrich, who hides its head in the sand when trouble comes,
@poster , its only God that can help you, men cheat, but cheating on honeymoon really dey bad shaa,
there is a similar case on nairaland, 12yrs after the woman was still hurting and that was when she wanted a divorce!,