Correct Me If I Am Right By
Rudolf Okonkwo
“I shot the sheriff
But I didn’t shoot no deputy
oh no! Oh.”
- Bob Marley
Since I first heard Bob
Marley ’s song, “I Shot the
Sheriff” I have not stopped
wondering what difference
it makes if you confess to
shooting the sheriff but not
the deputy. You ’re as guilty
as hell. And you’re going to
pay, anyway.
Well, now I know the
difference.
In the last few days, I have
found myself singing, I wrote
the cable. But I didn ’t leak
the sassy piece, oh no! Oh.
Satire sucks!
On the day that the former
speaker of the House of
Representative, Oladimeji
Bankole was arrested, I
wrote a satire I called “US
Diplomatic Cable on the
Arrest of Oladimeji Bankole.”
It was to be published under
the series, “Correct Me If
I’m Right.”
As usual, I sent the first
draft to my two readers.
My readers ’ task, for over
five years now, has always
been to go through the
first draft and tell me if it
made sense or if I should
discard it. If I get the go
ahead to continue, I then
begin work on the second,
third and maybe fourth
drafts.
When I did not get the
feedback of one of my
readers, I called him. For
some reasons, he was so
excited about the title that
he did not know it was just
another work of mine. He
had thought it was a real
cable just released by
wikileaks that I brought to
his attention. (I forward
“ must read’ stuffs like that
to him.) He had already
forwarded the work to a
friend of his when I called
him. Just like that, my
imaginary cable leaked
before I could publish it.
I did not know how far it
had gone. I simply continued
to work on it. And soon
after, it got published on
Nigerianewsday.com. That
was the last I thought of it.
One week after, it was
brought to my attention
that the Abuja-based
Peoples Daily weekend
newspaper had published a
story based on the cable
under the title: “How
America Pushed Jonathan to
Order Bankole ’s Arrest- US
Diplomatic Cable.” Unknown
to me, the cable story
written by Yusuf Ozi-Usman
had been playing out in the
Nigerian media. Reporters
who read the content of
the cable as published by
the Peoples Daily asked the
U.S. Embassy in Nigeria if it
really instigated the arrest
of Bankole as suggested by
the cable.
The American embassy
denied that it “arm-twisted
Jonathan to order the
arrest of Bankole. ” The
embassy called the cable,
‘ comical.’
The cable was indeed a
deliberate attempt to be
comical. Starting with the
codes used, I intentionally
used abbreviations like
AREWA, FRSC, SMC, AFRC,
MASSOB, OPC, NUC, and ASUU
in the codes. I also used
some U.S. colloquial phrases
that are not seen in any
official correspondence.
The real giveaway was in an
imaginary conversation
between President Jonathan
and two American officials. I
had one American official
say, “That’s my boy!” as
Jonathan agreed to their
proposal. As soon as I sent
that first draft, I realized
that it was unbelievable. In
fact, it was over the top. In
the second draft, I had the
U.S. ambassador whisper,
“ That’s my boy!” into the
ears of the Undersecretary.
I made adjustments like this.
In some cases it was in an
effort to bring the
conversations closer to
what could happen. In other
cases, it was in an effort to
show that it wasn’t real.
Incidentally, this wasn’t my
first attempt at using a
mockery of wikileak US
diplomatic cable to put a
spotlight on socio-political
issues. My first cable was
called, “An Evening with
Ambassador Ade Adefuye.” It
was based on things that
actually happened last
December at the Chinua
Achebe Colloquium. When
that cable was published,
many readers dismissed it as
fake. In fact, the Bankole
cable in question had
exactly the same codes as
the Ambassador Adefuye ’s
cable. I even forgot to
change the declassification
date.
I have since been made
aware that the editor of
the Peoples Daily Weekend,
Mr. Tawey Zakka, was
suspended indefinitely
because he published a
story based on my satirical
cable.
I felt bad about that. It
wasn ’t funny that someone
is on the verge of losing his
job over a piece intended to
be funny.
I’m not going to delve into
issues of journalism’s core
ethics involved in the
decision to publish a story
based on that cable. I leave
it for those concerned to
answer the question of
whether all the necessary
checks and balances were
followed especially when
their story started with this
phrase: “Facts have
emerged…”
For what it is worth, I’m
sorry that Mr. Zakka is
suspended.
I think it is important to
once again, for the interest
of the readers of this
column, bring up an
important premise I stated
in my very first column. And
that is:
“Many years ago, my father
told me that satire thrives
on the use of ridicule, irony
and sarcasm, to portray
folly and destroy them with
mockery. The trouble with
satire is that those you
expect to use their tongues
to count their teeth often
do not have that skill. Men
created riddles out of fear,
not out of any noble desire
to stimulate thought. ”
Six months after I started
writing this column, I am in
no doubt that the
bandwidth I have wasted
can be better used. For
that reason, I will continue.
Correct me if I’m right saharareporters.com/column/i-wrote-cable

i hope that all those people that called GEJ "US PUPPET" can come and recant that word.