This story is dedicated to all nairaland readers and writers past and present for the inspiration...

Inspiration taken, inspiration returned...

Corrections, constructive criticism are welcome...

You are all welcome

1. ANOTHER DIMENSION



Often said by authors, “The most difficult part of writing a story is the starting process”,
So I am here at the beginning of this story and this seems really really difficult…
How do I start this?

Well? I'm been called Dave, a regular dark Akwa Ibom dude born and breaded in Port Harcourt, Nigeria. I’m about telling you a story that comes just as it goes, a story I only know the beginning but not the end yet.

So guys, you see how the thing go? I finally found a way of starting this story and I guess that was a rough start right there …

alright before you fix yourself somewhere and begin reading, endeavor to go across the road (make sure you look well before you cross oh) and grab either popcorn, cold zobo, bolle and fish or bottled shawama…, for those who would come over here with things like ‘stolen-meat-under-covered-inside-pocket/bag’, please me bring some, I heard stolen meat taste much better…



TAXI DRIVER GIST


This averagely built taxi driver has nearly killed me with laughter about how he was used all day by a passenger of his, the previous week...

He continued.

“Bros, no be laughing matter I dey yarn you so oh, Na confirm true talk I dey yarn you so. Na where you sidon so, the guy bin sidon. As him just talk to me, I answer. Gbagam, Na so I forget myself, as in I no know myself again, this thing I dey tell you so happen by 8am for morning... the guy use me ehn, this guy use me like horse wen dem tief. By the time my eye com clear na 5:30am, All my body dey pain me, from 8am reach 5:30am I dey drive I no know. That one na why as you enter come dey talk to me since I no gree answer. Na because the insurance work, give me sign say you clear, na im I begin dey yarn with you so o.

No be by my power or by my might but by the power of strong tins,” he continued.

“So Over 20 hours, that’s just like saying a whole day of hours of driving” I said.

“You don see am na, I even later see alerts for my phone of ATM withdrawals, which means say him collect reach almost all my money for account.”

“Your bank account?” I asked

“Everything, even my shoe, wristwatch, ring, necklace, the guy collect am.”

“You no report to Police?”

“Trust our police na, as I report na laff dem laff me. Dem say make I bring money before dem go investigate the matter. I hala. Dem say na lesson for me o, say make I no dey rush eh-drop upandan. I dey fear pipo as you see me so.
Even the police talk vex me join, if to say no be police them be, I for use police take arrest them”

I then looked at the almost transparent leather pouch hanging at the end of the rope that hung from the rear-view mirror containing something like a red feather and some other things barely visible to see from my position.

“So you say that thing na im give you assurance and sign say ah no be like that guy?”

“Bros the thing don scan you, access you, render you safe, gi me sign say road clear. If not your body for don dey scratch you, so tey na your own leg you for take run scatter comot for my motto”

“Since you hang am, e don catch anybody?”

“Na this month the thing happen na and na this week I hang am e neva see that kind persin”

“You really believe this thing?’’

"I believe am die o. Na pesin wen use am na im show me the way sha. Yahoo yahoo catch am mugu for house wen e buy. The guy use the thing wen the Jazz man give am, the yahoo yahoo guy naked, dey run for night until e reach the guy house, return all the money complete, just as e collect am.
The yahoo yahoo guy just turn run back go reach im house, as e just enter im door, e drop like stone. Dead body na im people com see o."

He looked at me through the rear view mirror and continued,

"Bros no dey form half caste for the mata o. even before this Korila watin virus bin start sef, Tins dey.

“By gorilla, u mean corona virus?” I asked.

“Ehen, corona virus, Okada no dey see traffic light for Lagos still LASTMA no dey hold am, not to talk about tins wey dey happen for Port Harcourt here, bros levels dey oh."

"You, u see the yahoo guy dead body yourself." I asked.

"E no be say because the mess no smell mean say the pesin no mess put.
Juju food wen dem put for junction dey rotten no mean say spirit wen dem sacrifice am give never chop am."

"You need to check tori wey dem dey nack you before you believe am na." I said.

"For wia? Dis Naija? Dis Africa? My brother, arrest dat thought. Infact murder am. Pesin no dey test advice to see if e dey work, before e accept am, if not so, pesin papa for no fit get mouth for where e pikin dey."

"Why you no use this jazz take do the pesin wey been enter ur moto so, use collect your money and your things back?" I asked.

"Because of wetin? How much e be sef wen I go dey invoke that kind jazz for the guy head?"

"But you say the guy..."

"Yes the guy provoke me no be small. No be even the tin wen e tief pain me, na the fact say e barber my hair rish gorinmapa. Turn me mugu for Port Harcourt. Tahhh, Abomination. But still the vex no reach make I invoke that kain Jazz giv am."
He paused.

As though remembering something.

Then he continued.

"Second, me I be born again christain and Baba God through im only begotten son, Jesus Christ, my personal lord and saviour, talk say make we forgive any pesin wen mean us bad, and if pesin slap us for one cheek, make we gi am the other cheek, although that one get comma sha, because e get some kain slap wey if you allow am repeat, na die you don enter so..."

Couldn't help but laugh out loud at the drivers parables.

"Ok, drop me at the next gate by the right" I said
"Mosquito estate?"
"Yes, mosquito estate."
He dropped me, I paid and he drove off. The estate welcome board caught my attention again...

WELCOME TO MOSQUITO ESTATE!

Story has just begun, Would be updating every week...

Welcoming the presence of great nairalands like:

Stalwert, Osjaay, Boybree, Idr hi as, missnazzy, olatex25, percentile, princeofprince, AgentofAllah, missuniverse Fiyah , pamelb, rawgurl , dat9jakid, datjohn, oracle2 , ridwan1821 , Circlerank , Born Wackyrichy , Maggielovely , Bellefidel, ritvin , 6pack , ochyes, dorwadora , Princeoflagos , everythinggirly , zubimete

2. ANOTHER DIMENTION

Moving through the street of mosquito estate, I couldn’t help but wonder the inspiration behind the names of places and locations in Port Harcourt, And why is no one doing anything about renaming them?

I think it’s only in Port Harcourt you’d get to hear very strange church names like “Omni Sharp-Sharp Prayer chapel”, You can imagine the crowd I met there this Sunday when I attended the naming ceremony of my neighbor’s new born baby.
The senior pastor, in his deep brown “jamiacan coat” jumping up and down the pulpit shouting at the top of his voice every now and then “Here in Omini Sharp-Sharp god answers every prayer sharp-sharp, it got to a point where my neighbor was to give a testimony, came in dragging a goat along, grabbed the mic and was like “Omini sharp-sharp praise the lorrrrd,” The crowd and musical instruments responded in unison with a deafening haaaaleluya…

He continued.

“I came to Omni sharp sharp last year after listening to testimonies upon testimonies of this great commission on wazobia FM 94.1, I came here with one prayer point in my mouth, lord give me my own sharp sharp testimony, and to god be the glory 8 days ago my pregnant wife went into labor and delivered a bouncing baby boy in less than 15 mins… what the god of Omni sharp-sharp cannot do does not exist…”

Then he turned to the G.O.

“Daddy, while my wife was in labor, I promised the god of this commission, “if you help my wife deliver sharp-sharp, safe and sound without problems I Chibuike, would give you a live offering, daddy this is my fulfilment to that promise” with that, he tried holding the goat to face the Senior Pastor, the goat who was already pleading to everyone for its life in a language only goats understand as if it knew it would be leaving this world soon, Chibuike continued with his testimony and ended it with how he named the goat Ewu Sharp-Sharp because the god of Omini sharp sharp has answered his prayer sharperly…

Talking about churches, you’d hear names like “The devil is my footstool Christian center or even “Jesus carry me dey go bible church” among others, I once heard from bitterleaf estate Sis Janet that the general oversee of Jesus carry me dey go bible church once turned into a python and was caught in his office by the youth pastor, well that’s story for later on though…

Imagine being in a bus in Port Harcourt and the bus conductor says the next junction is kpaima Mortuary junc, or how do you tell someone coming to visit you from outside Port Harcourt that you reside at bitter-leaf estate?

Ok imagine, last week I was on a video call interview with a company based in Nairobi, Kenya. I could still remember the face of the woman who interviewed me when I stated my address thus;

“NO. 33 Kalakuta Avenue, Mosquito estate, Off Bitterleaf Road, Port Harcourt, Nigeria”, she almost couldn’t hold her laughter all through the interview, and after the regular “we would get back to you” conclusion statement? I overheard someone asked in the background amidst laughter, “You forgot to ask him how many times he treats malaria in a week” and they continued in laughter until the call disconnected. Till date I haven’t heard from the company again.

Following

[quote author=IconsConnect post=112460663]1. ANOTHER DIMENSION



Often said by authors, “The most difficult part of writing a story is the starting process”,
So I am here at the beginning of this story and this seems really really difficult…
How do I start this?
Well? Im been call Afamefuna or Dave, a regular dark bro born and breaded in Port Harcourt, Nigeria. I’m about telling you a story that comes just as it goes, a story I only know the beginning but not the end yet.

So guys, you see how the thing go? I finally found a way of starting this story and I guess that was a rough start right there …
alright before you fix yourself somewhere and begin reading, endeavor to go across the road (make sure you look well before you cross) and grab either popcorn, cold zobo, bolle and fish or bottle shawama…, for those who would come over here with things like ‘stolen-meat-under-covered-inside-pocket’, please me bring some, I heard stolen meat taste much better…

Stolen meat taste much beta, sm

I cant stop laughing, well done bro

Following

olatex25:
I cant stop laughing, well done bro

Welcome Olatex, more episodes drop soon

AyotossFund:
Following

Welcome to mosquito estate!

This is hilarious, please come continue this story...

To be continued.