Hh

Your situation is rather sad.Growing up seeing your dad cheating on your mum is not an easy thing. But that doesn't mean all marriages should be that way. Infact people like you can make good partners/parents since you have gone through so much of pain. Learn to take risks in life. Without risks life is nothing but robotic. Do not hesitate to take that step forward and find a gal who shares your likes and intrests, say music or books, and enjoy your life.

With a lot of love and perseverance you could convince your mom on how important it is to find the right partner for yourself, lest she wants you to go through the same path she travelled. Good luck !

You are 25yrs old man now, bros it is time to move out of that house and be your own person. Your mother is controlling you because you are still under her roof. Your parents lives, the decisions and consequences on how to live is theirs alone, why are you carrying the burden of how they turned on your shoulder. At least with them as example, you know what not to do. Resolve in your mind to do the opposite of your father and you will be fine.

l

I know it's hard but you can't factor your brother into your decision making process, he gets reprieve from them because he gets to go school and just come home for visit. Another way to get out of the house without making them angry is to look for job in another state, it would be like you're moving out because you have to not because you want to. With that said, I think you should continue with your masters, it won't hurt you.

I understand you so well because i have walked in your shoes but you are taking it too hard. Look at it this way your parents have lived their lives why should you be sad for them? You are not responsible for your father cheating on your mum neither are you responsible for any suffering she went through she's had a bad marriage its sad and you should feel for her but don't carry her hurt.

You need to learn to let go of the hardness of your heart, learn to express yourself, love others your parents and siblings inclusive. Your parents did give you life even though you didnt ask for it, raise you well and will always be on the look out for whats best for you.Recognise that they have been good parents despite their shortcomings now you must live your life no matter how daunting the task seems you must do what is best for you, define yourself, reach out to others and you will see that life can be a colourfull place. Along the line you may get heartbroken, be thrown under the bus by trusted ones but thats just the way life is and despite all this you still have to be happy. Really the choice is yours to be happy or to be sad? To be a wimp or stand up for yourself. To live life as you choose or keep blaming your parents for the pain and hurt you are holding on to.

You can start by moving out.Try one of those jobs,see if you can do your masters parttime. If you go full time must you stay at home? Ask that girl you like out before some other guy comes to take her and if she is taken at least you tried. Life is good be happy.

p

The way you said proposing i hope you are not going to ask her to marry you? and yes you can let her know you really like her and would love to know her more over the phone all that gist about talking face to face shows how much of a man you are is not true but if you want to do it that way its still cool. Am so happy for you, you are going for it already. Goodluck

k

Yes definately ask her for a rship but do not propose to her. Its nice you are already friends tell her you want to take it to the next level like she be your girlfriend and you her boyfriend and see where it goes. You know you want to marry her but dont just drop it on her like that, get to know how she feels about you. If you propose to her now and she accepts when do you plan to marry her? dont rush things just get to know her better and let her know you better just be yourself am sure you are worth knowing so just enjoy the ride. You knw her as a friend not a galfriend those are two different situations.

I know you are very eager and all that but pls if she agrees to be your gal dont let her walkover you and don't be a fool just cause you love her women don't like spineless men. Strike a balance btwn being a loving guy and being a pushover.

i

Good for you. True love is patient just enjoy the ride you will be suprised you will get to know even yourself better and yes you should work towards having your own apartment.like i said life is good keep your head up.

This story is the repercussion of an unfaithful spouse. See how it is affecting the children emotionally and in every other way. This is why people should try to be considerate with your actions. When you cheat, you are not just cheating on your spouse but on your future. Most Nigerian's invest in their children so that their old age will be comfortable. If all your children hate and dislike you like this? Tell me where you will be when all your girlfriends have run away and your children don't want to see you in old age, because of all the unhappiness your actions brought them. Selfishness should be dropped when it is time to marry, and people should learn to be faithful. That 5 mins of satisfaction is not enough to tear down your legacy and future. At the end of the day, you are only destroying yourself, your family, your future and your generations. Exposing them to outside forces who can bring serious harm to them. This is very bad.

@OP,

I am sorry, you have serious issues you need to address. Moving out of the house will not make you a better person. You all need to call a family meeting. You are all old enough for your parents to listen to you. It is time to confront your father and you all should speak about your feelings. There are so many issues you are dealing with that will greatly affect your relationship even when you move out. You can not find happiness in another human being, it must come from within. Your father needs to be confronted and all the facade your family is putting up needs to be torn down. They will not appreciate it now, but it will bring you peace and shame your father and make him face his own wrong doings. He is a coward and a very shameless man. Quite disgusting that he is so highly placed and knows how to fast and pray over your trivial issues but not over his ability to destroy his marriage and his children. I am also sure that the act of pretense is only for your family. News travels fast. I wont be surprised if your whole congregation knows about your father's activities. So who are you all fooling? He is destroying you, in every way possible. Dont let him get away with it, and cause you people much more pain when he dies. Please confront this issue, and tell them what is on your mind. Speak out! Goodluck to you.

p

Well since you have identified the issue, i am sure as the second born you can call your siblings together and discuss it. It is not normal for you all to relate with each other that way. I know you want to think about your mother, but you people have been thinking about her too long at the expense of your happiness. If asked she will also say she is thinking about you, that is why she is pretending and trying to ignore the issue. All of your have grown up enough to work and take care of yourselves so the benefactor excuse is not reasonable. In the future you will need a tight knit family, as your siblings will be all you have in life and in old age with regards to immediate family members. Start the discussion with your siblings and then talk to your mum about what this is doing to all of you. Avoiding the situation will not make you happier, and may manifest heavily in other aspects of your life as you begin to work and get married. It is better for your mother to face the issue now, and the man causing it than when he dies and she is running from court house to court house. Even then the shame it will bring will be more than you all can imagine. Ignoring an issue will not make it go away. It will only make it spread and get worse. Just like cancer.

l

Pata1:

I'm afraid you are right I just hope cheating father's realise that they can't fool all the people all the time and love is not a right it is earned you need to be in my shoes to know how hard I wanna just see a father in my father but the reality of his personality keep's beclouding my mentality no pun intended.

He wont realize until you tell him. Not everyone is endowed with common sense. And a lot of people do things as long as they can get away with it. If the issue is brought up, not in a confrontational way but in something like a family meeting starting with prayer (lol). He may fight you because that will be the only way to react after being discovered and feeling some shame. But in the back of his mind he will think about it and will most likely change. For you all to tell him all this will make him a better person. Try not to disrespect him. Until you move from this stage in your life, you will never be able to be successful at the other stages. If he decides not to change, then you guys can carry on as a family without him. When you start work, look for a mentor and get close to him so that you can learn what your father failed to teach you. Be the person that brings the family together by always checking on all of them and reminding them to check on others too. When your father sees that life goes on without him, and that your mother is the one getting all the attention, he will start looking for ways to be involved.

@OP, so are you saying your father's cheating is whats affecting you or the way your parents treat you(like a child)?

l

Ok, you are 25 still doing your masters, don't you have a job?

n

@ OP, i understand your situation perfectly. I've been there too but mine was even more painful because i lost my mum. Just like you,i only felt happy when im with my books or listening to music. One thing i always desired then, was leaving home even with all its luxury. All my life,i learnt to bottle up things inside of me,i was going throug hell. When i left home,things were not any different because i had already built a wall around me,i became so emotionless.Till date, i still have problems relating with my siblings and my dad even though i love them. What you need is healing,both emotional and spiritual. Try and get closer to God,there's something called JOY and that you can only find in him. And please,dont allow anyone stop you from leaving that house to get a job outside and live your life cos after all is said and done, its your life not anyone else's. Wish you all the best

dear pata, you can find happiness and love again.

you have to listen to your inner man, comfort and happiness are not embedded in wealth. if leaving your family house will give you solace pls do.

keeping family at arms length because of emotional turmoil is not rational, family is one, you dont have another. keep in touch with them cause you might need them tomorrow.

as for ur moms attitude of being in control its understandable, be a man and take ur decisions so long as they are firm, rational and in ur best interest. i wish u all the best, given the fact that your mom had to put up with your dad for so long for the sake of you all. kudos to her.

o

@ poster, it is not unusual to stay away from your siblings and have little contact.  I'm sure you love each other but getting away from a family situation like yours allows you the opportunity to build your own character and personality, which you cannot do under your parents roof.

I would suggest if a job opportunity presents itself to you, take advantage of it (so long as it is not 419 or yahoo yahoo  ).  Jobs are scare and there are many graduates who would love to be in your position.  You can always take up your masters  once you've established yourself in your occupation.

Most importantly it is a means of being financially independent.  Your mother tries to control you because she cannot control her own life - or even her husband.  Let them label you a rebel for having your own life, let them have 7 days dry fast for you if you leave home.  Most parents would be grateful for their children showing some initiative and not solely depending on them.

As for the lady you have taken a liking to, I would suggest you tread carefully.  No woman wants a weak man or a man who is controlled by his parents.  I have seen this for myself ruin many good relationships all because the man wouldn't be a man but continues to be a mummy's boy or controlled by his family.  By all means try to establish a closer relationship with her, but show that you are serious by having your own life.  And get to know yourself and be comfortable in your own skin before allowing someone else into your life.

By ignoring your father's infidelity it has only made the situation harder for the entire family.  Marriage and family is not about deceit, but you are all deceiving yourselves.  Have any of you his children tried to establish if this rumour of another family is true or not?  That's the first thing you need to do before you even consider having a meeting of any kind.

Your parents marriage is not a reflection on your own.  Just shine your eyes in your relationship, pray for guidance and it will be well.