I hate stereotypes because i feel like they same way we put others into a group and label them the same way they can do the same to us but I'm very curious about the extent to which a Nigerian mans culture influences how he behaves in a relationship.

Of course I am aware that men no matter where they are from will be influenced to some extent by their culture, especially in relationships. I find however that sooooo many women seem to have trouble with the behavior of a lot of Nigerian men.

Both Nigerian women (I met some that say they won't date Nigerian men) and non Nigerian women alike are all over the internet blasting Nigerian men and it interests me because as much as we hate when people stereotype if a certain stereotype is seen time and time again there is some truth to it. My interest with this however has recently become more personal since I started dating a Nigerian man myself, I read all the stories before and dismissed them as maybe bad luck or maliciousness on someones part but now that I am with a Nigerian man I can't seem to get the fears out of my mind.

I met this guy through a mutual friend and we have been dating for about three months now. Right off the bat after talking to me and meeting up for the second time he asked me to be his girlfriend and I was hesitant because it seemed to be so fast but the same friend who introduced us (she is also Nigerian and knows him well) convinced me that he is a nice guy and is just really looking for someone to call his own provided that they are compatible and maybe he saw that in me she says.

Now I know a lot of women will say he's probably using you for a green card but I assure you that is not the case since I've been in the US less time than him and he's aware that I am not an American citizen (I'm black from another part of the world).

He was really sweet in the beginning but about three weeks into it there was a total change he barely communicated with me, never ever keeps his promises anymore, lazy about returning calls and texts, we don't go anywhere, he doesn't show up or do what he says he will and I've sensed some lying about his whereabouts and where he spends his time. He's always busy I'm aware that his job takes up a great deal of his time but it's so bad that I would go days and days without seeing him. He used to call and text often (in the morning before work, text while at work, call after work and we would talk for a long time) now we have conversations that last less than a minute maybe every three days or so and he is always tired.

I got frustrated and broke it off then felt guilty for not giving him a fair chance and over reacting so I decided to get back with him and at first he didn't want to hear of it and insisted that I'm getting what I wanted I was convinced that he was just waiting for me to end it so I decided to get over myself and let it be but days later he calls saying that we are still together and nothing changed.

Problem is he's not trying to change his ways AT ALL it's still the same thing and I fear that he doesn't intend to change he's either gotten comfortable where we are and him not having to work harder or all along he knew that's how he was and the initial weeks were just to lure me in and make me think that is how it will be all the time? I'm just really confused since when we broke up he could have gone his way and lived his life if he was losing interest so why did he come back? I don't want to end up one of those sad, angry, bitter women that bash Nigerian men and Nigeria that is not my style but when some of what I'm going through mirrors exactly what other women did I become frustrated and that is the purpose of this post. To become aware and NOT to bash.

Should I be more patient and take into consideration the culture differences?

How much of this is just his nature?

Women say that they are not romantic and affectionate, does he really think that the way this relationship is now is functional?

When were actually together he is very affectionate but then it's like he has split personalities. The girl that set us up is now telling me that he probably doesn't respect me and feel he should not go out of his way for me as I am not a Nigerian woman (funny how her story switched right?)I was so hurt when she said this to me. Could it be true though?

Am I just that little fantasy thing and he won't take me seriously because it has been ingrained in him that he should only wife a Nigerian girl?

I would hate to think this since I really like him but if I'm giving 90 and getting 10% if that much It won't be long before I give up. All opinions are welcome.

as a matter of fact, I am starting to feel that Nigerian men are being very generous to some of you desperately lonely women. In fact too generous.
You should be thankful not bashful.

also learn to type in paragraph form. your post is very difficult to read.

Jenifa_:

as a matter of fact, I am starting to feel that Nigerian men are being very generous to some of you desperately lonely women. In fact too generous.
You should be thankful not bashful.

also[b] learn to type in paragraph form. your post is very difficult to read. [/b]

Thank you. The post is an eye sore.

also learn to type in paragraph form. your post is very difficult to read.

I agree with you it is hard to stay focus and read all of that in the way that it is written. I apologize. Maybe if I had written it in a better manner you would have stayed focus enough to realize that the post is in no way, shape or form bashing Nigerian men. I clearly stated at least twice that is not my style and I won't do it nor will I insult you for your opinion about doing us a favor. Is that the way you look at it? really?

as a matter of fact, I am starting to feel that Nigerian men are being very generous to some of you desperately lonely women. In fact too generous.
You should be thankful not bashful.

Since you corrected my essay construction I think it fair to tell you what the word bashful means according to the dictionary

bashful:uncomfortably diffident and easily embarrassed; shy; timid. Examples: The young maiden has a very bashful attitude. or Young girls that are not very exposed can be quite bashful.

somehow I don't think that's what you were trying to say were you? You meant we shouldn't be speaking negatively of them I presume? I thought so

cottoncand:

Since you corrected my essay construction I think it fair to tell you what the word bashful means according to the dictionary

bashful:uncomfortably diffident and easily embarrassed; shy; timid. Examples: The young maiden has a very bashful attitude. or Young girls that are not very exposed can be quite bashful.

somehow I don't think that's what you were trying to say were you? You meant we shouldn't be speaking negatively of them I presume? I thought so 

the word I meant was bashing. not bashful. thanks for the correction.
and i'm also glad you took my advice and typed your new entry in a readable fashion. 

anyways I hope you got my other advice.

Nigerian men again, doing what they know how to do best. . .disgracing the nation.

That's by the way. . .just needed to get that out.

So three weeks into dating him, he's already acting up and you're asking if it has a cultural basis?

So if indeed it has a cultural basis, you would remain in that relationship?

stillwater:

Nigerian men again, doing what they know how to do best. . .disgracing the nation.

That's by the way. . .just needed to get that out.

So three weeks into dating him, he's already acting up and you're asking if it has a cultural basis?

So if indeed it has a cultural basis, you would remain that relationship?

very good point. I guess sometimes we don't see clearly when we like someone , I was just thinking maybe it's something that can be addressed and worked on if he realises that that's not the way it should be but very valid point stillwater

Don't agree about the disgracing the nation bit I really do not want to turn this post into something hateful and disrespectful to Nigerian men.

cottoncand:



very good point. I guess sometimes we don't see clearly when we like someone , I was just thinking maybe it's something that can be addressed and worked on if he realises that that's not the way it should be but very valid point stillwater

Don't agree about the disgracing the nation bit I really do not want to turn this post into something hateful and disrespectful to Nigerian men.

The truth hurts.

Anyway that's true, we don't see clearly when we like someone. That is why you need people that love you to open your eyes. If you deserve that kind of nonchalant love from a man, by all means stay in it. The ones that are married to foreigners and make it work do not act that way, they are more attentive and ready to please. Three weeks is too soon for him to be acting this way. Maybe he thought you were a citizen and when he found out you weren't, he lost interest.

stillwater:

The truth hurts.

Anyway that's true, we don't see clearly when we like someone. That is why you need people that love you to open your eyes. If you deserve that kind of nonchalant love from a man, by all means stay in it. The ones that are married to foreigners and make it work do not act that way, they are more attentive and ready to please. Three weeks is too soon for him to be acting this way. Maybe he thought you were a citizen and when he found out you weren't, he lost interest.

you're the type that gives tough love huh? lol I needed to hear that though

with regards to my citizenship status he knew right from the start so he didn't lose interest because of that maybe he just lost interest and it is what it is, awww well life is never fair

cottoncand:

you're the type that gives tough love huh? lol I needed to hear that though

with regards to my citizenship status he knew right from the start so he didn't lose interest because of that maybe he just lost interest and it is what it is, awww well life is never fair

Haa tough love, I would hope someone does that to me if I'm hoodwinked by one nonchalant dude. And I hope I'll be able to take it, lol.

stillwater:

The truth hurts.

Anyway that's true, we don't see clearly when we like someone. That is why you need people that love you to open your eyes.[b] If you deserve that kind of nonchalant love from a man, by all means stay in it. [/b]The ones that are married to foreigners and make it work do not act that way, they are more attentive and ready to please. Three weeks is too soon for him to be acting this way. Maybe he thought you were a citizen and when he found out you weren't, he lost interest.

abi o.

I think desperation has a huge role to play in it sha.
the "love" becomes stronger when the woman knows she has no other option or cannot meet someone to treat her better.
the bitterness afterward also becomes stronger for the same reason.

some woman sha want to have a relationship by force.
they will rather remain in an emotionally abusive relationship than be single.

cottoncand: It feels like we're dating the same guy....WOW!. The exact same thing happened to me. I met him on my birthday (July)and life was great. We talked ALL THE TIME, via phone/text, during lunch, during work; the whole nine yards. This went on until we met in August. (We met a mon. later because of my yearly summer vacation) ANYWHO!

When I tell you he did a total 180 degree turn, I mean just that. He no longer had time for me, he had to get his rest for work ALL THE TIME! Our conversations went from everyday all day to maybe 1 to 2 min. a day and I did all the talking, he seemed so uninterested, I felt like I was talking to a brick wall. At times I would try to see if I didn't call him would he call me. ANNNNNNNNNT WRONG!! It's almost like it didn't phase him that he hadn't spoken to his girlfriend all day, sometimes DAYS! <<IRRITATING>>

Going out HA! does the first date count..? We never did. It was always come spend a few min. at his home before going to work. One time I said, how about we go to the auto show. His response, I don't like being around that many people. Ok I said, how about you and I go to a play. His response, No! It's almost like everything I came up with was shot down. So I decided to flip the script, I asked him to come up with some ideas for us. DID HE....NO! This routine was getting old and I couldn't take it any longer.

A few months later he moved. It went from 5 min. distance between us to now 45 min. distance. This meant that this would require BOTH of us to make a sacrifice (driving) Well, you guessed it, that didn't work either. It actually made it worse. If I didn't drive to him WELL we just didn't see each other. It felt like I only had a boyfriend by name. A few months later went by and I told him I couldn't take this anymore. I told him it felt like I was giving 90% and he was giving a mere 10%. I told him, that we needed to seriously talk and figure this thing out. Well we talked. He changed back to his sweet, caring, affectionate self for a WEEK..! and reverted back. That was my sign to get out..! I dare not stay in a relationship where I have to do all the work, if that's the case heck I'll just date myself.

A few months went by and I got a call. I decided to give a try again. Thinking that maybe he had changed and also because he said he had. Well, you guessed it, a few days of Mr. Nicey Nice and right back to Mr. Do Nothing. I DARE NOT TAKE THIS FOOLISHNESS AGAIN.

^He "met" you and he "changed" . . .according to your write up.Did you lie to him about your physical appearance?or he had a different picture in his head and seeing you physically killed the fantasies?i'm just wondering. . .loudly.

Good thing is that you were able to say NO to his fvckery and pussyfeeting and im happy for you.

@OP,too long a post.hope you've sorted out whatever it is though.

@ifalways: nope, no lying on my part, we both exchanged pictures and not just head shoots....full length body shoots. He knew what I looked liked & I did too. I didn't know what it was, I kepy scratching my head trying to figure it out & I came to one conclusion...pure foolishness!! I don't/didn't have time for it, that's why I gave him his walking papers.

As a mature woman I KNOW I deserve better than that. I rather be alone and wait for the right MAN! to come alone than SETTLE. You feel me....?

PS. My hope was this relationship would be like PHAT GIRLS the movie....lol. African prince charming sweeps a girl off her feet and they live happy ever after. Wishful thinking.

You go girlie!

Lol@ phat girls idea. Your African prince would locate you someday soon. . . One that deserves you!

That's by the way. . .just needed to get that out[img]http://www.dubaa.info/g.gif[/img]

I experience the same thing with my Igbo man, we dated for a year and with time the relationship fell apart due to his lack of communication, when I told him we need to spend time together, his response was..I working or watching the game. I started to feel like the last thing on his list. Needless to say....I walked and now looking for a mature man to have a relationship with. Enough with the child's play dates.

my ystikc77: I experience the same thing with my Igbo man, we dated for a year and with time the relationship fell apart due to his lack of communication, when I told him we need to spend time together, his response was..I working or watching the game. I started to feel like the last thing on his list. Needless to say....I walked and now looking for a mature man to have a relationship with. Enough with the child's play dates.

You have some that are traditionally raised that way and you have some that learned that the highway doesn't stop with them. It is about the person and what they feel is important.

You have to make a decision which you will tolerate and which you will not tolerate. Stick with it and do not deter from it.

Lmao @ jenifa!!!!!

NDanielle: cottoncand: It feels like we're dating the same guy....WOW!. The exact same thing happened to me. I met him on my birthday (July)and life was great. We talked ALL THE TIME, via phone/text, during lunch, during work; the whole nine yards. This went on until we met in August. (We met a mon. later because of my yearly summer vacation) ANYWHO!

When I tell you he did a total 180 degree turn, I mean just that. He no longer had time for me, he had to get his rest for work ALL THE TIME! Our conversations went from everyday all day to maybe 1 to 2 min. a day and I did all the talking, he seemed so uninterested, I felt like I was talking to a brick wall. At times I would try to see if I didn't call him would he call me. ANNNNNNNNNT WRONG!! It's almost like it didn't phase him that he hadn't spoken to his girlfriend all day, sometimes DAYS! <<IRRITATING>>

Going out HA! does the first date count..? We never did. It was always come spend a few min. at his home before going to work. One time I said, how about we go to the auto show. His response, I don't like being around that many people. Ok I said, how about you and I go to a play. His response, No! It's almost like everything I came up with was shot down. So I decided to flip the script, I asked him to come up with some ideas for us. DID HE....NO! This routine was getting old and I couldn't take it any longer.

A few months later he moved. It went from 5 min. distance between us to now 45 min. distance. This meant that this would require BOTH of us to make a sacrifice (driving) Well, you guessed it, that didn't work either. It actually made it worse. If I didn't drive to him WELL we just didn't see each other. It felt like I only had a boyfriend by name. A few months later went by and I told him I couldn't take this anymore. I told him it felt like I was giving 90% and he was giving a mere 10%. I told him, that we needed to seriously talk and figure this thing out. Well we talked. He changed back to his sweet, caring, affectionate self for a WEEK..! and reverted back. That was my sign to get out..! I dare not stay in a relationship where I have to do all the work, if that's the case heck I'll just date myself.

A few months went by and I got a call. I decided to give a try again. Thinking that maybe he had changed and also because he said he had. Well, you guessed it, a few days of Mr. Nicey Nice and right back to Mr. Do Nothing. I DARE NOT TAKE THIS FOOLISHNESS AGAIN.

Judging from your description of him, he was probably married or had another girl on the side.