A push up bra is like a bag of chips, you open the bag and it's half empty.

That awkward moment when u start to laugh at an inside joke that no one else remembers and everyone just stares at u like ur an idiot

Understanding a woman is like downloading a 1GB file With 2 Kbps speed & when you have downloaded the half you got an error.

Maths teacher: I have 5 bottles in one hand, and 6 in the other. What do I have? Student: "A drinking problem

I got so drunk last night so I took a bus home. The impressive thing is that it was my first time driving a bus

I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call

MENstruation, MENopause, MENtal breakdowns, did you notice how all GIRLS probIems begin with “men”?

I hate saying "hi" to people and they don't see you and you feel retarded

Drunk people taking care of drunker people

Friends are like B**BS. Some are big, some are small, some are REAL, & some are fake.

i love the maths teacher part

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something

3 things that should never be broken; 1. A heart 2. A promise and 3. A condom

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I love to stand in line at ATM machines, and when people put in their PIN, I yell “Got it !!” and then run away.

Lovely!

Nice onw copied some and sent to a pal

When life gives you lemons, add vodka, and throw a party.

Advice to all Girls: Don't apply too much make-up on your face, you don't know where boys look first.

when you get some success in life you can get a date.
while waiting for to be successful, spend your time and invest time to becoming successful and worry about date once you are successful.

Seeing your ex and thinking, "Damn, I'm glad that's over."

What do politicians and sperm have in common , . . . One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being

One of my life mission, is to read the terms and conditions.

Sometimes the best way to get someone's attention is to stop giving them yours

when i was your age, i lost my toys. Not my virginity.

Beating the refresh bottom to death when the internet is slow.

School is a jail. Classes are cell, teachers are the security guards, and we are the prisoners.

“In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.” Sorry, Darwin-huggers, but it’s not “In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.”

if you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments

Dogs Go to Heaven? Sorry, kids. It’s only the dogs who’ve accepted Christ.

Advice to all Girls: Don't apply too much make-up on your face, you don't know where boys look first.

Dear Teacher, I don't know the answer. That's why my hand wasn't raised!

nice one