funny satire . They even mention uber sycophant Reno Omokri

http://saharareporters.com/column/why-president-jonathan-cannot-lead-pius-adesanmi

Why President Jonathan Cannot Lead By Pius Adesanmi
Posted: August 27, 2011 - 03:10
Pius Adesanmi
Columnist:
Pius Adesanmi

“Gentlemen, welcome to this emergency meeting. Today is a sad day for our country, as you all know. Apart from the lives we lost, the bombing of the UN building is a source of great embarrassment for Nigeria. I have summoned you all so we can quickly agree on the president’s immediate response.”

“Thank you, Oronto. As the Special Adviser to the President on Media and Publicity, I swung into action immediately. I have already drafted a press statement. In fact, I was on my way to secure presidential clearance to release the statement when I got your summon.”

“Em… Ken, what do you think?”

“Thanks, Oronto. Well, it’s a good thing that Reuben has acted so quickly. His reflexes are good. But the country has just suffered a major terrorist attack. We are talking the UN here. This is huge international stuff. Should Nigerians and the international community be comforted by a presidential messenger?”

“Ken, take time. Seriously, take your time. Who is a messenger? Look, Oronto did not summon us here to insult each other o”

“Sorry, Reuben, it came out wrongly. Reno, what do you think? What would Trippi advice that we do?”

“Em, cool temper gentlemen. I think Ken has a point. Once a country is hit by a major international tragedy, the management of that tragedy becomes the yardstick for measuring the quality of its leadership. Look at the recent Norway bombings. Within minutes of the tragedy, the Norwegian Prime Minister was all over the world’s airwaves - from CNN to BBC via Aljazeera – comforting his citizens and reassuring the international community. Spectacle and perception are crucial in this business. Nothing beats the image of a hands-on leader getting to the trenches to comfort his people and the world.”

“Exactly! My sentiments, Reno! We also saw the British Prime Minister in action during the recent London riots. He cut short his vacation and returned home to lead. He was constantly in the street, addressing his country and the world.”

“Yes o, Ken, it was reassuring seeing the British Prime Minister. Not to mention what an American President would do in these circumstances: rousing and reassuring speeches to Americans and the world atop the rubble within minutes of an attack. Reuben, do you understand what we are talking about now?

“Ok, Reno, you and Ken have a point. So what do we do, Oronto?”

“Well, if I understand you guys, you seem to be suggesting that instead of Reuben’s press statement, we should throw the President out there so he can address Nigerians and the world in front of cameras?”

“Not only that, Oronto, he should also rush to the scene of the tragedy with little or no siren. He should be dressed in jeans or khaki and should go there to lead rescue workers for five minutes and reassure a traumatized nation. BBC, CNN, Aljazeera, and Reuters are all there. Even NTA is there. Let him stop in front of their microphones to take questions and comfort the Nigerian people.”

“Are you guys serious?”

“Oronto, do we look like we are joking?”

“Either you are joking or you have forgotten the problem”

“The problem?”

“Yes, the problem. I will jolt your memories. Ken, do you remember your recent interview with that Canadian newspaper, the Globe and Mail?”

“Ah, yes, I remember.”

“Good, what did you tell them about the President’s stage presence?”

“Ah, yes, I said that’s the only area he needs to work on. Em… I mean, I praised him so much it was looking ridiculous so I had to throw in something that at least looks like a weakness to make him human. So I said that he needs to improve his stage presence”

“Don’t worry, Ken, we are not blaming you. [b]You guys are here talking about young, charismatic, and energetic world leaders who are masters of oratory. People who can give unscripted, impromptu speeches and electrify their audience. And you want us to throw oga out there and make him perform like those people? Are we miracle workers? Reuben, are you a miracle worker?”

“Well guys, you know I am new here and Reno told me last week that I am not paid to think the things I used to think when I was outside. It’s not that I haven’t thought of that little problem”

“Little problem? Reuben, you call that little problem? Look, we are all talking strictly off the record here. Nothing said will ever leave this room. Not a word will leak. This is a we-we situation and we can talk frankly and freely. Ken, tell Reuben.”

“I should tell him?”

“Yes, tell him”

“Well, Reuben, the truth is that it takes us 1000 hours of coaching and practicing to prepare Oga to read a five-minute speech on TV. And you know what Nigerians and the world still think of his performance with all that effort. Whenever Oga is going abroad, we do nearly 3000 hours of coaching. That CNN interview with Christian Amanpour, you have no idea how many hours we sweated to prepare Oga. And you know the result. So, truth is, Oga just doesn’t have it. He will never electrify an audience. He will never not look sleepy, lost, and uninspiring in public. There is just no way to improve Oga’s stage presence. That’s the truth we all whisper to ourselves around here but our job is to protect him from that glaring weakness. ”

“That’s the truth gentlemen. If after thousands of hours of coaching, we only manage to get Oga to perform below average in scripted interviews and public speeches, imagine the disaster of throwing him in front of the world’s cameras unscripted today of all days.[/b] It will worsen the tragedy we have on our hands. We lost eighteen lives today. This is no time to add to Nigerians’ anguish by reminding them of words like clueless and lost when they see their president on TV.”

“Ok, Oronto, I guess we need to take a vote on how to proceed. The Minister of State for Foreign Affairs has already spoken on BBC. Ban Ki-Moon has already spoken. And the world still hasn’t heard from the President. There is no time to waste.”

“Ok, all in favour of Reuben acting in loco parentis for the president say ‘aye’
Reno: Aye!
Ken: Aye!
Oronto: Aye!
Reuben: Aye!

“Gentlemen, we have a decision. Reuben, go and release the statement. I’ll go and brief the President.”

Presidential Press Statement

President Goodluck Ebele Jonathan and the Government of the Federal Republic of Nigeria utterly condemn the barbaric, senseless and cowardly attack on the United Nation’s Building in Abuja this morning.

The President believes that the attack is a most despicable assault on the United Nations’ objectives of global peace and security, and the sanctity of human life to which Nigeria wholly subscribes.

He extends his sincere condolences to the Secretary-General of the United Nations, Mr. Ban Ki-Moon and all members of the United Nations family who have lost loved ones in the heinous attack.

President Jonathan reaffirms the Federal Government’s total commitment to vigorously combat the incursion of all forms of terrorism into Nigeria, and wishes to reassure all Nigerians and the international community that his Administration will spare no effort to bring the perpetrators to justice.

The President has also directed all relevant government agencies to assist in the search and rescue effort at the UN Building, and ordered heightened security across the Federal Capital Territory.

He urges all Nigerians to cooperate fully with the government in its efforts to expose the desperate elements who promote violence, terrorism and division in the country.
While noting that by today’s attack, we are once again reminded of the international character of terrorism and its indiscriminate targeting of innocent civilians, President Jonathan affirms Nigeria’s determination to continue to play its part in the global effort to eradicate the scourge of terrorism in all its ramifications.

He urges all Nigerians and foreigners resident in the country to go about their normal affairs with the full assurance that the Federal Government and its law enforcement agencies will continue working diligently to ensure the full protection of lives and property in the country.

Signed:
Reuben Abati, Ph.D
Special Adviser to the President
(Media & Publicity)
August 26, 2011

Another boko haram sponsored topic.

^^^
By fake news masters Sahara Reporters

Beaf:

Another boko haram sponsored topic.

Abeg guilty conscience dey worry you? We know sycophancy and azz-licking is your daily business but can you grow up for pete sake? Did I write the article?  First, everyone not behind GEJ = "IBB people" . Then , when IBB dropped out, critics of GEJ all suddenly became "Atiku people" according to your fried brain and tongue swollen by azz-licking. Now , anyone not enamoured with GEJ's woeful handling of Nigeria's worsening security situtation = "boko haram sponsored" . You really are a pathetic  sycophant.

Gbawe:

Abeg guilty conscience dey worry you? We know sycophancy and azz-licking is your daily business but can you grow up for pete sake? Did I write the article?  First, everyone not behind GEJ = "IBB people" . Then , when IBB dropped out, critics of GEJ all suddenly became "Atiku people" according to your fried brain and tongue swollen by azz-licking. Now , anyone not enamoured with GEJ's woeful handling of Nigeria's worsening security situtation = "boko haram sponsored" . You really are a pathetic  sycophant.

People like you always pop up to rejoice each time innocent Nigerians are blown up by haters like yourselves. Why are you happy each time fellow human beings die? Are you the first to lose elections?

You people are a very wicked and evil bunch of losers. What is the difference between you and boko haram?

What surprises me is that they still go on with these things, I would have thought that even they would have realized that this kind of thing has gone stale. I really only expect to find this kind of thing on NL which is the home of deluded folk.

A Satirical piece mocking who? The President, the Nation or the over 20 dead innocents that had plans for their weekend? Only blood sucking vipers would revel in the sadness and misery of humans just because it gives them an opportunity to say 'I told you so'. Bloody ediots!

PointB:

^^^
By fake news masters Sahara Reporters

This has nothing to do with Saharareporters. This is satire written by Pius Adesanmi . It is rather piognantly funny to everyone unbiased enough to can see the truthfulness the article highlights via use of satire. Is the illustration of how other leaders handle crisis in a laudable and hands-on manner "fake news" also? Culprits of the UK riots are in jail barely a week after they caused chaos !!!! That is how leadership , not compromised to the extent of impotence, behaves.

^
People like you are low down scum, laughing at the deaths of your fellow Nigerians because you lost elections. Some things are a step too far, even Satan would cringe at your behaviour.

Wicked fool.

wesley80:

A Satirical piece mocking who? The President, the Nation or the over 20 dead innocents that had plans for their weekend? Only blood sucking vipers would revel in the sadness and misery of humans just because it gives them an opportunity to say 'I told you so'. Bloody ediots!

Do you really expect a lot from this character called Gbawe? Honorable people should condemn the unnecessary bloodshed, and their perpetrators, not use it as opportunity to score cheap political points.

Gbawe is sinking lower by the day into the ignoble pit of sadistic hate! He needs help!

wesley80:

A Satirical piece mocking who? The President, the Nation or the over 20 dead innocents that had plans for their weekend? Only blood sucking vipers would revel in the sadness and misery of humans just because it gives them an opportunity to say 'I told you so'. Bloody ediots!

Yes, keep up the pretensiously sanctimonious attack against others that is blind to how objective folks cannot analyze what we are currently seeing without admitting the incompetence and failure of GEJ and his AGIP defense Minister , NSA and others.

Did the article glorify or revel in the death of Nigerians? No. Of course it does not. The central mission of the article is to show that Jonathan's handling of issues is very poor . I certainly do not expect you to understand that.

Gbawe:

This has nothing to do with Saharareporters. This is satire written by Pius Adesanmi . It is rather piognantly funny to everyone unbiased enough to can see the truthfulness the article highlights via use of satire. Is the illustration of how other leaders handle crisis in a laudable and hands-on manner "fake news" also? Culprits of the UK riots are in jail barely a week after they caused chaos !!!! That is how leadership , not compromised to the extent of impotence, behaves.

True, but yoruba people have a saying:
'Oro ti ologbon ba so, enu asi-ere la ti ngbo' (The words of the sage are often heard from the mouth of the stu.pid) The title of stu.pidity is between you and your sahara colloborator. I think you trounced Sahara is stu.pidity by coming to nairaland to gloat over cold blooded murder of your compatriots, all in the name of getting at Beaf and GEJ.

Keep gloating, what goes round, . . .

@gbawe

The thing is this, here you are insulting our president, when you are not even Nigerian? At best you are an Internet Nigerian, a Yoruba parasite. (at this point that is what your people are from where my people stand). Please show some respect for the man as he occupies that seat. When you people wee busy destroying the country and raping our homes and land we did not hear this kind of nonsense.
The owner of sahara reporters has gone to hide abroad, what is the correlation between location and imbecility?

^
The foolish Gbawe leaves in the UK.

Beaf:

^
People like you are low down scum, laughing at the deaths of your fellow Nigerians because you lost elections. Some things are a step too far, even Satan would cringe at your behaviour.

Wicked fool.

Suwegbe. You are the scum. Show where anyone is laughing at the death of Nigerians. The article is actually mocking GEJ's ineptitude !!! Nigerians are dying yet GEJ's performance remains absolutely condemnable in comparison to what is seen worldwide and pretensiously sanctimonious sycophants like you wan't to divert issues. When has any of you sycophants , making noise in this thread, minimally ever admitted objectivley and decently that GEJ's handling of issues is very poor?

Beaf:

^
The foolish Gbawe leaves in London.

"lives" Olodo. Get it right. Anyway, how do you know where I live ? Have I ever told you where I live? Keep decieving yourself and making assumptions.

Gbawe:

Suwegbe. You are the scum. Show where anyone is laughing at the death of Nigerians. The article is actually mocking GEJ's ineptitude !!! Nigerians are dying yet GEJ's performance remains absolutely condemnable in comparison to what is seen worldwide and pretensiously sanctimonious sycophant slike you wan't to divert issues. When has any of you sycophants , making noise in this thread, minimally ever admitted objectivley and decently that GEJ's handling of issues is very poor?

You are mocking your own ineptitude and wickedness by rejoicing in spilt blood. One would have thought only witches and wizards feasted on blood.

Worthless scum. Vampire.

Johndoe100:

@gbawe

The thing is this, here you are insulting our president, when you are not even Nigerian? At best you are an Internet Nigerian, a Yoruba parasite. (at this point that is what your people are from where my people stand). Please show some respect for the man as he occupies that seat. When you people wee busy destroying the country and Desecrating our homes and land we did not hear this kind of nonsense.
The owner of sahara reporters has gone to hide abroad, what is the correlation between location and imbecility?

At last , the thinly veiled bigotry rears it ugly head!!! "Yoruba parasites" are no longer qualified to comment on the poor leadership of our President in situations of National crisis. "Yoruba parasites" , never mind I have never taken anything from you or your region, must now shut up simply because "When you people wee busy destroying the country and Desecrating our homes and land we did not hear this kind of nonsense". Amazing.

Gbawe:

At last , the thinly veiled bigotry rears it ugly head!!! "Yoruba parasites" are no longer qualified to comment on the poor leadership of our President in situations of National crisis. "Yoruba parasites" , never mind I have never taken anything from you or your region, must now shut up simply because "When you people wee busy destroying the country and Desecrating our homes and land we did not hear this kind of nonsense". Amazing.

Sharap, you were always the number one bigot, people will gradually begin to react to the bigotry and evil attitudes you and your criminal party put out.
Keep on laughing at the dead Nigerians, killed by bitter fools like yourself. Bitter, because you lost elections.

Losers.

Beaf:

You are mocking your own ineptitude and wickedness by rejoicing in spilt blood. One would have thought only witches and wizards feasted on blood.

Worthless scum. Vampire.

Foam at the mouth all you want. You are a clown anyway. No one is is "rejoicing in over spilt blood" . You can keep obdurately focusing, because you are an empty barrel, on idiocy. Go back and see the bolded part I highlighted in the article. Perhaps issues will become clear to you.

^
Go back to your midnight coven where you can sup on blood. Evil thing.

Instead of engaging in personal insults, can those who condemn GEJ for these attacks tell us specifically what they would do if they were the President which would end these attacks. What particular measures would you take that will end terrorism?

Beaf:

Sharap, you were always the number one bigot, p[b]eople will gradually begin to react to the bigotry and evil attitudes you and your criminal party put out[/b].
Keep on laughing at the dead Nigerians, killed by bitter fools like yourself. Bitter, because you lost elections.

Losers.

Pathetic loser and scammer . As usual , rather than consistent condemnation that mark out decency, automatic excuse is in place ,from you, for anyone attacking Gbawe. It does not matter how wrong and condemnable their utterance is . I think everyone is now familiar with how you blindly defend your co-travellers . You are a disgrace . Simple.

^
People have died and all you can do is post tasteless articles. What will you turn to next, cannibalism? Disgunting.

Beaf:

^
People have died and all you can do is post tasteless articles. What will you turn to next, cannibalism? Disgunting.

This is why I keep calling you an 'Olodo' . Spare us the pretensious over-display of decietful emotion . Show , conclusively, why this article is "tasteless" or simply shut up because all I see in the article is satirical criticism of the comparative leadership conduct of GEJ in the face of national crisis.

You and your co-travellers should confess that you simply wish to distract attention from GEJ's poor leadership with these display of sanctimonious and vacuously deceitful emotions. Show us any Nation where Leaders are ever exempt from criticism over poor handling of serious crisis. Spare us your empty display of emotions. I think, by now, everyone understands that you are a deceitful hypocrite. Please limit youself to defending pathetic PDP leaders and your fellow bigots as you do in this thread. You do those things far better than this your disgraceful charade.

Once a country is hit by a major international tragedy, the management of that tragedy becomes the yardstick for measuring the quality of its leadership. Look at the recent Norway bombings. Within minutes of the tragedy, the Norwegian Prime Minister was all over the world’s airwaves - from CNN to BBC via Aljazeera – comforting his citizens and reassuring the international community. Spectacle and perception are crucial in this business. Nothing beats the image of a hands-on leader getting to the trenches to comfort his people and the world.”

“Exactly! My sentiments, Reno! We also saw the British Prime Minister in action during the recent London riots. He cut short his vacation and returned home to lead. He was constantly in the street, addressing his country and the world.”

^
Dude, just bring your fellow winshes out to party at the sight of blood. What do you guys do in ACN, drink blood?
God alone can fathom why you find the deaths of several innocent Nigerians something to laugh at like a demon.

Monster.

@beaf,

Reno Omakri or what's your name. You are one hell of a unintelligent loser. Olodo!

You got no credibility left. Stop manipulating the truth, you doing a darn stupid job as it is. You are ,aking GEJ look bad with you fooli.sh antics

Scum, traitor!

@Gbawe,
So when will you stop? When will you choose to open your eyes and see you're threading the path of ignominy and basking in it? Never? Your lame retorts are just as ridiculous as your attempt to indulge in a silly fit of gallows humour while the corpses of innocents are still warm in bodybags. You just dont know when to stop do you?

4 Play:

Instead of engaging in personal insults, can those who condemn GEJ for these attacks tell us specifically what they would do if they were the President which would end these attacks. What particular measures would you take that will end terrorism?

Distractive rants from the like of Beaf and his pals cannot blind us from what obtains worldwide - especially as regards how leaders efficiently deal with crisis. We should have confidence in the ability of our leaders as is the case worldwide !!!  The Nigerian defense Minister , for example, glibly announced that "Boko Haram crisis will soon be over" !! Is this "the crisis soon be over" he meant ? What sort of insensitive statement is that in the face of this current attack ?

After the UK riots , Cameron was on TV spitting fire and promising stiff punishment against offenders. He delivered on that promise swiftly. Instead , In Nigeria , when lives are lost, our President will offer platitudes in stating that "terrorism is worldwide" or "Nigerians should pray for perpetrators to change their ways" !!! Come on !!! Nigerians have a right to be angry with that. They have the right to expect the President to talk tough and back his talk with actions. They are certainly not encouraged by a President who has said the totally wrong thing many times  indicating that he cannot deal decisively with the increasing chaos we are seeing. Confident talk and decisive action is totally absent . Surely that is not right? This is what this artically satirically highlights.

1001 gej acolytes on this thread will not change the fact that oga facebook goofed again.

useless coward - upon all the expo from cameron and co, the daft twit still could not find it in himself to find his way to ground zero. it being a Friday and all, he probably closed early

as usual, empty sppech, and his opportuniistic thugs looking to rope in the mans 'enemies'

wesley80:

@Gbawe,
So when will you stop? When will you choose to open your eyes and see you're threading the path of ignominy and basking in it? Never? Your lame retorts are just as ridiculous as your attempt to indulge in a silly fit of gallows humour while the corpses of innocents are still warm in bodybags. You just dont know when to stop do you?

Please , go and sit down. I am fed up of people like you who patronize Nigerians because you are partisan beyond redemption. You only have words for Gbawe on this thread yet have no comment on the bigoted and foolish comments here. you know damn well that the article is highlighting GEJ's poor performance , in the face of serious crisis, amplified by how other leaders behave satisfactorily worldwide.

It is people like you that will provide the online mitigation for the continuationof the type of inpet and poor leadership that enables Boko Haram style attacks to go on far longer than neccessary leading to the needless death of Nigerians .

Nothing your ilk can say should ever prevent Nigerians from inspecting and speaking about GEJ's glaring incompetence. What is wrong with you people? We know we have low standards and expectations of our leaders in Nigeria but this is ridiculous !!! Your pretense is hollow. Neither myself or the article takes pleasure in the death of innocent people.

If Nigeria was a Country full of politcally sophisticated folks, we would have discuss leadership shortcomings and inadequacies enough ,  without allowing for distractions, to have seen at least the defense Minister and the NSA relieved of their jobs!!! That is the damn truth !!

David Cameron said , after the riots, that "no phony appeals of human rights" will prevent the law from dealing severely with those found guilty of rioting and looting. That was exactly what happened !!!!! It is time  , even using satire, we seriously begin inspecting what leaders are saying and doing over the security crisis facing Nigeria.

oyb:

1001 gej acolytes on this thread will not change the fact that oga facebook goofed again.

useless coward - upon all the expo from cameron and co, the daft twit still could not find it in himself to find his way to ground zero. it being a Friday and all, he probably closed early

as usual, empty sppech, and his opportuniistic thugs looking to rope in the mans 'enemies'

They can pretend all they want but we know deep down that the apologists of GEJ know what this article is saying .