What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? "Make me one with everything."

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
Why can't you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? Because they always take things literally.

Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He drank the coffee before it was cool.

Why did the nurse need a red pen? In case she needed to draw blood.

Why don't calculus majors throw house parties? Because they don't want their guests to drink and derive.

Want to hear a construction joke? Oh never mind, I'm still working on that one.

Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.

I poured root beer in a square glass. Now I just have beer.

What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? Thanks—I'll never part with it.

Rest in peace, boiling water. You will be mist.
Have you heard about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu: You get what you deserve.

How does a rabbi make coffee? Hebrews it.
What's red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.