I have been married for 17 years and have 3 beautiful girls. Lately my business had some issues and I ran into some serious debts that for the past 2 years my wife have been the one taking care of the house expenses though I chop in bits sometimes.
Crux of the matter,, for the past 15 months my wife have starved me of sex and I haven't had sex with nobody since. I am being honest. Some weeks back my wife says she wants me to give her space for 6 to 12 months so she can sort herself out if she will still continue with the marriage.
I lately found out she's having a discreet affair with her friends husband and unknown to them I have serious damaging details about their affairs. I kept this to myself because I still love her and had even forgiven her in my heart and coupled with the fact that I don't want any scandal for her and shame to my girls.
She doesn't talk to me at home any more.
Please what do I do?
Do I confront her?
Do I tell the guys wife? Hell will break loose.
Do I confront the guy in question?
Do I just walk away and pick up the pieces of my life and forget ahead?
Please no abuses, I have enough on my mind .already. just your candid advice.
A part of me wants revenge for the betrayal and another just want to put everything behind me.
Please advice.

G

Your wife is tired of the marriage...
A cheat for that matter, since u love and want the relationship to work, u can communicate with her may be involve a third party..
But if i were you i would have cut ties with her because u don't know her next line of action, the only problem here is the kids.... Your actions will affect the children but anything can happen, it's life...

Please what have you been doing for the past two years you've had issues with your business?

Are you in anyway supporting the family by having something doing outside your business to bring something home?

I am not in anyway applauding your wife for cheating or starving you with sex. Nonetheless, it's kinda wrong for a Man to lose his responsibility in the house for good two years without considering doing something else. Expecially married men with kids. At least, consider those innocent kids and do anything legit to put food on the table. It is natural for women to act up taking men responsibility in the house for 2 years. It is normal and i do not completely blame those women acting up. However, I do not condole cheat, nor starving you sex.

I'd advise you shouldn't report your wife husband to her friend, If at the end she divorce her husband, he'd obviously tell anyone that care to listen how you destroy his marriage. You wouldn't be there to defend yourself. Even the wife too would claimed you're the reason her marriage got dissolved

If you're still interested in your marriage, call your wife and tell her with evidence. Let her know you're aware she's sleeping with her friend husband. Threatened her to stop right away or you'd tell her friend with evidence then watch her reaction. Condition her if you get to see her with that man or any other man, she should consider the marriage null and void.

But if you aren't interested in the marriage anymore, then you can leave. No point telling your wife friend anything. She will get to know with time.

Arrrrrrrh

I refused to be like Op. Sorry too say Op is not a man. After 17 years in marriage and you want to condone a cheating woman? Who birth this kind of d#ll simp men? Sorry to say but I am really embarrassed with the level of Op's mentality. Baba must be around 40 + years and yet he is thinking like a baby. Did that woman charm you? Grow up Sir!

Op, Since your business broke down, what have you been doing to bounce back? Are you relaxed simply because your wife is now the provider of the house?

Op, you caught your wife cheating, I mean with real evidence and you forgave her saying you don't want to crash your marriage because of your daughters. You are a joker sir. A big one for that matter. I now see the reason why you are saying this, is because you are quite relaxed that your wife is feeding you and any alarm you raised concerning her affair will result to a divorce and you will be reduced to zero. No kids, No food, Just a lonely man.

You better wake up and be a man. Had it been you were doing financially OK, would you have allow this trash slide down?

My advice to you Op, is leave that woman and bounce back !

A man that condone a cheating woman would one day be told his whole kids ain't his. A cheating woman don't deserve forgiveness. Even the bible said if a fellow cheat on you, you are free to divorce her. All this spiritual guides telling you to accommodate and cohabit with cheating partners are jokers. Don't listen to any if them. Don't say I have kids with her, you better leave her cheating as* for your sanity sake.

Even if it is my dad/mum that told me to take a cheating girl, I would never do it.


Women don't respect broke husbands. The only way a woman would respect you is when you are above her financially other than this, she own you no iota of respect. know this!

With my loud..
The marriage is now useless to ur wife because she is the footing the bills..
My question now is are u financially stable as we are talking? Are u trying any effort to help the family?
If u are financially stable now then u know what to do..

DonLala1:
■ I lately found out she's having a discreet affair with her friends husband and unknown to them I have serious damaging details about their affairs. I kept this to myself because I still love her and had even forgiven her in my heart and coupled with the fact that I don't want any scandal for her and shame to my girls.
She doesn't talk to me at home any more. Please what do I do? Do I confront her? Do I tell the guys wife? Hell will break loose. Do I confront the guy in question? Do I just walk away and pick up the pieces of my life and forget ahead? Please no abuses, I have enough on my mind .already. just your candid advice. A part of me wants revenge for the betrayal and another just want to put everything behind me. Please advice.

First of all, hiding it from her will not help you keep her. If she is having an affair which you are already aware of, I think it is best you CALMLY let her know asap you are aware of it. And then walk away and let her process and maybe ruminate.

If she still has any feelings left for you, time will tell. A week after letting her know — assuming all hell has yet to break loose on the marriage itself — tell her that you should both probably see a marriage counselor to help you both process what has happened.

---

On an entirely different but related note, you say you have been without work for about two years and your wife has been the one carrying much of the burden. Please make sure that you have at least in that time been sharing the housekeeping duties or at least helped take it off her hands so she can focus on bringing in money into the house. No person deserves to carry all the marital duties — both financial and home-making— alone. It is meant to be shared and since your wife has taken on the financial, I see no reason why she should also be in charge of home-making duties.

DonLala1:
I have been married for 17 years and have 3 beautiful girls. Lately my business had some issues and I ran into some serious debts that for the past 2 years my wife have been the one taking care of the house expenses though I chop in bits sometimes.
Crux of the matter,, for the past 15 months my wife have starved me of sex and I haven't had sex with nobody since. I am being honest. Some weeks back my wife says she wants me to give her space for 6 to 12 months so she can sort herself out if she will still continue with the marriage.
I lately found out she's having a discreet affair with her friends husband and unknown to them I have serious damaging details about their affairs. I kept this to myself because I still love her and had even forgiven her in my heart and coupled with the fact that I don't want any scandal for her and shame to my girls.
She doesn't talk to me at home any more.
Please what do I do?
Do I confront her?
Do I tell the guys wife? Hell will break loose.
Do I confront the guy in question?
Do I just walk away and pick up the pieces of my life and forget ahead?
Please no abuses, I have enough on my mind .already. just your candid advice.
A part of me wants revenge for the betrayal and another just want to put everything behind me.
Please advice.

Don't tell her, set her up and keep an evidence and use it as a bait to keep her. Women don't like their secrets being discovered

Kobojunkie:
First of all, hiding it from her will not help you keep her. If she is having an affair which you are already aware of, I think it is best you CALMLY let her know asap you are aware of it. And then walk away and let her process and maybe ruminate.

If she still has any feelings left for you, time will tell. A week after letting her know — assuming all hell has yet to break loose on the marriage itself — tell her that you should both probably see a marriage counselor to help you both process what has happened.

Kobojunkie giving out one of his funny advice.

Feeling keh? Is like you dont know women love you the most, when you provide for the family and give them money? Sha you won't with your handicap advises. any body that follows your bolded is a weak, simp man. Marriage counselor for what? A cheating woman? God! I won't say anymore.

gaius01:
Arrrrrrrh

I refused to be like Op. Sorry too say Op is not a man. After 17 years in marriage and you want to condone a cheating woman? Who birth this kind of d#ll simp men? Sorry to say but I am really embarrassed with the level of Op's mentality. Baba must be around 40 + years and yet he is thinking like a baby. This that woman charm you? Grow up Sir!

Op, Since your business broke down, what have you been doing to bounce back? Are you relaxed simply because your wife is now the provider of the house?

Op, you caught your wife cheating, I mean with real evidence and you forgave her saying you don't want to crash your marriage because of your daughters. You are a joker sir. A big one for that matter. I see the reason you are saying this, is because you quite relaxed that your wife is feeding you and any alarm you raised concerning her affair will result to a divorce and you will be reduced to zero. No kids, No food, Just a lonely man.

You better wake up and be a man. Had it been you were doing financially OK, would you have allow this trash slide down?

My advice to you Op, is leave that woman and bounce back !

A man that condone a cheating woman would one day be told his whole kids ain't his. A cheating woman don't deserve forgiveness. Even the bible said if a fellow cheat on you, you are free to divorce her. All this spiritual guides telling you to accommodate and cohabit with cheating partners are jokers. Don't listen to any if them. Don't say I have kids with her, you better leave her cheating as* for your sanity sake.

Even if it is my dad/mum that told me to take a cheating girl, I would never do it.


Women don't respect broke husbands. The only way a woman would respect you is when you are above her financially other than this, she own you no iota of respect. Do you know this same disrespect can be pass down to the kids, I mean the one your wife/woman exhibit? know this!

Bible didn't tell anyone to condole cheating partner be it Man or woman. Bible categorically said the only reason you can divorce your wife or husband is CHEAT. If OP hasn't been contributing to the family up keep in the past two years then he really fvckup.

UnfairLife7:
Bible didn't tell anyone to condole cheating partner be it Man or woman. Bible categorically said the only reason you can divorce your wife or husband is CHEAT. If OP hasn't been contributing to the family up keep in the past two years then he really fvckup.

I quite understand the OP's position, his inability to provide for the family. But wait, In essence if the father is not providing for the family does that makes wife to go around sleeping with a man? Is that what you are saying? As for the Bible, you still said the same thing. Cheating under any circumstances should not be condone. You intentionally pull your clothes to cheat, no body did that for you!

DonLala1:
I have been married for 17 years and have 3 beautiful girls. Lately my business had some issues and I ran into some serious debts that for the past 2 years my wife have been the one taking care of the house expenses though I chop in bits sometimes.
Crux of the matter,, for the past 15 months my wife have starved me of sex and I haven't had sex with nobody since. I am being honest. Some weeks back my wife says she wants me to give her space for 6 to 12 months so she can sort herself out if she will still continue with the marriage.
I lately found out she's having a discreet affair with her friends husband and unknown to them I have serious damaging details about their affairs. I kept this to myself because I still love her and had even forgiven her in my heart and coupled with the fact that I don't want any scandal for her and shame to my girls.
She doesn't talk to me at home any more.
Please what do I do?
Do I confront her?
Do I tell the guys wife? Hell will break loose.
Do I confront the guy in question?
Do I just walk away and pick up the pieces of my life and forget ahead?
Please no abuses, I have enough on my mind .already. just your candid advice.
A part of me wants revenge for the betrayal and another just want to put everything behind me.
Please advice.

Don't revenge. Just move on totally out of the marriage but remain responsible for the care of your children.

Don't take custody of them for now because it will be too much for your mental and emotional state to handle ( Konji na bastard, they are girls and the devil can be very stupid). But once you are fully back on your fit financially, mentally and emotionally, you can go for them if you are convinced she can't give them good and befitting upbringing.

What you need now is to find your footing financially. Let her be but let her know you're aware of her activities but don't blackmail her.

Go back into the street and work hard to be a better father for your daughters. I wish you the best of luck. It's not easy for anyone out there

Ynix:
■ Don't tell her, set her up and keep an evidence and use it as a bait to keep her. Women don't like their secrets being discovered

Set her up for what exactly? OP has no job and may remain that way for some time to come. You are advising him to continue to store up bile against the woman for how long? To whose benefit? After 17 years, do you think OP is a child who should play with his own mental and physical health in the name of getting revenge? Na him go die first if he is not careful.

gaius01:


I quite understand the OP's position, his inability to provide for the family. But wait, In essence if the father is not providing for the family does that makes wife to go around sleeping with a man? Is that what you are saying? As for the Bible, you still said the same thing. Cheating under any circumstances should not be condone. You intentionally pull your clothes to cheat, no body did that for you!

what do you expect from a woman as a man doing nothing to bring food to the table for your family? Do you expect her to increase her love for you? It is normal for any woman to act up. It is not their responsibility to shoulder the family day to day financial affairs. If paradventure a man loses his job or business, it shouldn't linger up to 2 years before finding something to do no matter how little. If you can starve as a man, your children and probably your wife can't. Except the man is medically unfit to anything during those 2years period then i can advise even my blood sister to condole him without cheating. At least, it wasn't his fault. But if he were sound and healthy but chose to be selective with pride for those 2 years then he was wrong absolutely.

There's no need for revenge and I will applaud you for already forgiving her in your heart. Bring up the matter to her with your evidence and let her decide if she still wants to be with you or she wants to be with someone else.

For those shouting that your wife has been sustaining the home in the last 2 years, please pay no heed to them ooo for your mental wellness. Like you said, you have been dropping your two cents to assist as well. I pray things fall back in place and you are able to take the lead as you have always done.

In it all, I hope she doesn't bring up your inability to provide like before as the cause of cheating or that the man has been the one footing the bills. In it all, I pray wisdom for you to navigate this challenge.

Your wife has already brought shame to your family by not only cheating on you but cheating on you with her friend's husband. She must be of very low character doing both you and her friend dirty. No one in their right mind would want to stay in a marriage like this.

Looking at your profile - you created a similar thread like this last year in November 2022 about your wife's treatment of you. It's almost a year later and things have worsen with her now having an affair with her friend's husband. My advice is for you to give her the space she has asked for and not because she asked for it but because you ought to have the sense to know you need to separate from her/from this tainted marriage and because you could use that as an opportunity to sort yourself out. That she has been paying the bills in the house for 2-years is no justification for her to be committing adultery, refusing you sex, and overall mistreating you in the house. Moreover, you've 3-daughters who I'll assume are now teenagers and watching what's going on in the house, especially how their mother's treating you. You don't want them growing up emulating the same behaviors, so go ahead and separate from her but continue to have a relationship with your daughters and provide for them once you're back on your feet. Whether you want to continue the marriage thereafter is up to you.

DonLala1:
I have been married for 17 years and have 3 beautiful girls. Lately my business had some issues and I ran into some serious debts that for the past 2 years my wife have been the one taking care of the house expenses though I chop in bits sometimes.
Crux of the matter,, for the past 15 months my wife have starved me of sex and I haven't had sex with nobody since. I am being honest. Some weeks back my wife says she wants me to give her space for 6 to 12 months so she can sort herself out if she will still continue with the marriage.
I lately found out she's having a discreet affair with her friends husband and unknown to them I have serious damaging details about their affairs. I kept this to myself because I still love her and had even forgiven her in my heart and coupled with the fact that I don't want any scandal for her and shame to my girls.
She doesn't talk to me at home any more.
Please what do I do?
Do I confront her?
Do I tell the guys wife? Hell will break loose.
Do I confront the guy in question?
Do I just walk away and pick up the pieces of my life and forget ahead?
Please no abuses, I have enough on my mind .already. just your candid advice.
A part of me wants revenge for the betrayal and another just want to put everything behind me.
Please advice.

I personally know women who have borne the responsibility of their families for way longer and yet they never resorted to cheating. Of course, I am not privy to their sexual life so I don't know if they still fulfilled their conjugal responsibilities, but one thing I am 100% sure of is they never resorted to adultery.

At least you still manage to drop bits. This person I know will go out in the morning with his bend bend shoe that has seen better days and return empty handed in the evening. Go hopeless, come hopeless. For many years this was his case until God broke the yoke chronic unemployment in his life.

Women aren't programmed to be providers, which is why it takes only the grace of God for many of them to endure when they are in that situation. Be that as it may, it is no excuse for denying you sex for two years or cheating. Unless you are not telling us the full story and there are no other underlying issues, but if you are, it is very unhealthy living with an adulterous partner. It will breed resentment in your heart and do damage to your self esteem and mental well being. Konji maketh a man mad, and it can drive you to do something terrible.

Kindly let her know that you are aware of her affair and you have hard evidences, and then whatever she chooses to decide from then on is on her. It might get better, or may get worse, especially if she feels there is no point in hiding her disdain for you again.

In situations like this, communication is key. You have to confront your wife with the evidence of her cheating and watch for her reactions.

In all you do, do not ever debase yourself by confronting your wife's cheating partner.

Then you have to determine if your wife still want to continue with the marriage or not. If it is just a fling with no emotional attachments and your wife is remorseful and beg for forgiveness, it is your decision to make if you still trust her enough to continue with the marriage.

If she is not remorseful, then i suggest you call it quit and seperate from her a little bit to see if she would come to her senses. If not, then move on.

At this stage, your mental health is more important than the marriage in my opinion.

I also suggest you work on yourself , look for anything to do to make money. As a man, you lose almost 80% of your value if you are not earning.

Fake

When i tell men that 50:50 footing of bills in marriage will lead to the woman disrespecting, they said it wont happen. Now see.

Why not just divorce her.

Kobojunkie:
Set her up for what exactly? OP has no job and may remain that way for some time to come. You are advising him to continue to store up bile against the woman for how long? To whose benefit? After 17 years, do you think OP is a child who should play with his own mental and physical health in the name of getting revenge? Na him go die first if he is not careful.

He should go out and get a job na, even if it is brick laying or any odd job, but for his wife to be cheating on him it's best he has a real time evidence and then figure out his life.

Skyview01:
In situations like this, communication is key. You have to confront your wife with the evidence of her cheating and watch for her reactions.

In all you do, do not ever debase yourself by confronting your wife's cheating partner.

Then you have to determine if your wife still want to continue with the marriage or not. If it is just a fling with no emotional attachments and your wife is remorseful and beg for forgiveness, it is your decision to make if you still trust her enough to continue with the marriage.

If she is not remorseful, then i suggest you call it quit and seperate from her a little bit to see if she would come to her senses. If not, then move on.

At this stage, your mental health is more important than the marriage in my opinion.

I also suggest you work on yourself , look for anything to do to make money. As a man, you lose almost 80% of your value if you are not earning.

Exactly so on point

This thing usually happens when you married your wife and continously remind her that you are the boss. So, of course, when you lose your job, your boss status crumbles and your wife now sees that there's actually nothing special about you.

The financial strain is dealing with the average man mentally, not to talk of a woman who wasn't bearing it before. The person she's cheating with might have helped her during those dark times. He may have provided the moral, financial, and emotional support.

Of course, im such circumstances, those things are bound to happen. Better focus on your self. Get a job, and simply adopt open relationship. She's free to nack who she likes, so are u. Keep the family intact.

Skyview01:
In situations like this, communication is key. You have to confront your wife with the evidence of her cheating and watch for her reactions.

In all you do, do not ever debase yourself by confronting your wife's cheating partner.

Then you have to determine if your wife still want to continue with the marriage or not. If it is just a fling with no emotional attachments and your wife is remorseful and beg for forgiveness, it is your decision to make if you still trust her enough to continue with the marriage.

If she is not remorseful, then i suggest you call it quit and seperate from her a little bit to see if she would come to her senses. If not, then move on.

At this stage, your mental health is more important than the marriage in my opinion.

I also suggest you work on yourself , look for anything to do to make money. As a man, you lose almost 80% of your value if you are not earning.

Viewing it from the angle of a man abi... "no emotional attachment" 😂..
Bro, if he doesn't get his finances back up he's a gunner.. Plus, if he himself didn't cheat during his glory days, I see no reason he should forgive someone who has ridiculed him because Nigeria happened to him. Let her go.

OP, is this the man (@UWUANA) from this other thread (https://www.nairaland.com/7841236) that was just posted this morning that is sleeping with your wife? Your stories sound very similar. Are you both on Nairaland?

Full link to thread: https://www.nairaland.com/7841236/advice-needed-pressing-issue#125805943

Cutehector:
When i tell men that 50:50 footing of bills in marriage will lead to the woman disrespecting, they said it wont happen. Now see.

50:50 led to Op's wife cheating on him? Na lack of comprehension dey do you abi wetin?

You need to get a Job before anything.

Use pillow suffocate her in her sleep

OP I think your priority at this time to be to sort out your financial difficulties

He who have the finance makes all the rules!

DyingFetus:
Use pillow suffocate her in her sleep

@DonLala1 if you take this advise you will likely spend the rest of your life in jail... it's not worth it!