Officer: what is your name?
Monday: M.P. sir
Officer: in full please
Monday: Monday Paul
Officer: your father's name?
Monday:M.P. sir
Officer: what does that mean?
Monday: Matthias Paul
Officer: your native place?
Monday:M.P. sir
Officer: what's that?
Monday: mkpuma province
Officer: so why do you need a job?
Monday: M.P. sir
Officer: meaning?
Monday: money problems
Officer: would you explain your self and stop
wasting my time? What's your personality
like?
Monday: M.P. sir
Officer: and what is that?
Monday: marvelous personality
Officer: I see... I will get back to you
Monday: sir, how was my M.P sir?
Officer: and what is that again?
Monday: my performance
Officer: I think you have M.P.
Monday: meaning?
Officer: mental problem!!!! Now leave my
office

(A robbery attack happened in a woman's neighbour's house. The woman called the police and the following conversation takes place) Woman: police there is a robbery taking place as we speak Police: ok madam where do you live Woman: oh! My house... It's close to my neighbours House Police: okay so where is your neighbour's house Woman: it's close to the junction Police: fine, where is the junction Woman: you won't believe it if i tell you Police: why? Woman : it's in front of my house

Four people went for robbery in a bank a guy, a girl, and two men 1st man: thank God for this successful operation (he enters the car and drives everyone. Now the second man which was alot older than the rest was watching the News the News caster was talking about the bank that was robbed and stated it was 10 million that was stolen instead of 8 the old man was furious and went to the police station ) Old man: police wetin una talk for news no be correct thing Police: how you know Old man: because na me and my friends wa steal the money Policesurprised) okay oga please take us to your friends so that we can apologize Old man: na now U dey talk ( The old man takes them to where his friends live ) Old man: my people my people I'm here with the police men so that they can apologize for the wrong information 1st man: you foolish man why did U do this to us Old man: no dey fear the police men are my friends Girl: this stupid man don put sand sand for my garri O Old man : police don't mind them. These are the people that joined me to steal the money Boy: na lie O no believe am police Old man : na lie I talk ok ( goes inside and brings out the bag full of the money) Shey na lie I be they talk police officer U fit count am sef E complete 8 million naira Police: thank you sir for this help boys check the bag if the money is complete as for you guys you are under arrest for stealing the sum of 8 million naira ( he hand cuffs the people and takes them to the police station)

Witch craft is when you ask your neighbor's daughter for salt and she says my mum has counted it.

A poor man goes to the native doctor for help Native doctor: there is a woman that is the cause of your poverty Poor man: who is she baba Native doctor: unknown her name is unknown Poor man: for doing this to me let her first son die Native doctor : it is done Few weeks later Poor man: baba I have been sick for some time Native doctor: yes it is the same woman that caused your poverty that is causing this illness and the gods have finally revealed her to me Poor man : baba please who is she Native doctor: her name is chioma Poor man : what! That's my mother's name Native doctor: okay so who is her first son Poor man : na me O baba reverse the charm please I don't want to loose my life Native doctor: sorry my son but it has been done there's nothing I can do. But I have a request for you tell who so ever is making your burial rice not to add too much salt o

It's only in Nigeria you'll see a girl borrow her friend's clothes to visit her boyfriend who borrowed his friend's house

This is what boredom can do Me: hello police as we speak 20 people are following me Police : okay where are you Me: on twitter

Whites: he was such a good fellow, I'm
gonna miss him

Nigerians: the rice no even sweet sef

I went out, when I got back home I saw one woman like that sitting in the living room, when I asked my mum who she was she said "oh she's your dad's uncle's sister-in- law's friend's auntie's brother-in-law's wife's sister's brother-in-law's uncle's friends father's cousin's daughter" Mummy but why is the title as long as river Niger.

American girl stops cab and enters
Cab: "where to*
Girl: "anywhere just drive"
Cab: "okay ma'am"
Nigerian girl stops cab and enters
Taxi: "where you they go"
Girl: "anywhere just drive"
Taxi: "e be like say U don dey craze U never hear say dollar don rise fuel na 700 naira per litre in dis Tinubu's regime if U no get where U dey go comot my motor make I carry better person. Mtchwww "

I don't even understand some primary school teachers.
Can you Imagine, I saw my brother searching here and there for something so I asked him
"what are you looking for"
He replied "I'm finding for my shoe"
Um escuse (excuse) me, who is your English teasha.

A woman said to her friend" I'm the one that made my husband a millionaire" Her friend asked "what was he before you met him". The woman replied"a billionaire".

A newly married couple hired a female househelp from the village to help in cleaning the home so they could concentrate more on their career. One day the oga decided to give his wife a surprise package. He sculpted a heart with the help of the house girl which took almost a whole day . The wife came back home finding the house help sleeping Wifewakes the girl) why are you sleeping at this time, you haven't even cleaned the house Maid: madam abeg no vex welcome ma eh me and oga dey make love since morning na now we just they finish...... Right now as we speak the house help is on life support

My neighbor donated his blood to his girlfriend. After they broke up he said he wanted his blood back. She threw pad at him and said... "I'll pay you monthly"

The feeling you get when you insert it, it's one of the best feeling in the world. Insert it slowly till you get to the sensitive spot then stay there.
Don't go too deep or too fast to avoid pain and excessive moans. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . That's how to clean your ear using cotton bud.
Children of the world will be thinking something else.

If I wear NATIVE to the ALTER shey you can call me ALTERNATIVE.

My mum entered my room and found me asleep. She walked closer, caressed my hair and slapped my face saying...
"your last seen on WhatsApp was I minute ago"

Block your mother's slap and the family will hear how you tried to kill her

A man forgets to zip up his trousers, so a lady tells him politely, sir your garage is open. The man gave her a naughty smile as he zips up and asks, did you see my black range rover Sports parked inside. The lady smiles back and says no just one small Toyota vitz with two flat tyres

At restaurant. Waitress: would you like a table? Me: No, I came here to eat on the floor. Let me have a carpet for five please.

A woman went shopping at the cash counter, she opened her purse to pay . The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse. He couldn't control his curiosity and asked"do you always carry your tv remote with you" she replied" no not always but my husband refused to accompany me shopping today because of a football match, so I I took the remote". Moral lesson: accompany and support your wife in her hobbies The story continues... The cashier laughed and then returned all the items that the lady had purchased. Shocked at his act she asked the cashier what he was doing. He said"your husband has blocked your credit card" Moral: always respect your husband's hubbies The story continues... Wife took out her husband's credit card from her purse and swiped it unfortunately he didn't block his own card Moral: don't underestimate the power and wisdom of your wife Story continues.... After swiping, the machine indicated' Enter Pin Sent to your Mobile Phone ' Moral: when a man tends to lose the machine is smart enough to save him! Story continues... She smiles at her self and reached out for the mobile phone which rang in her purse.it was her husband's phone showing the forwarded email.she had taken it with the remote control so he doesn't call her during her shopping. She bought her items and returned home happily Moral: don't underestimate a desperate woman Story continues... On getting home, his car was gone. Another was pasted on the door " couldn't find the remote,gone out with the boys to watch the premiership match. Will be home late call me if you need anything" Dawn... He left with the house keys too Final moral lesson: don't try to control your husband you will always lose

Me: Daddy, I'm going to Emeka's house. Dad: Is Emeka sick? Me: No o. Dad: So Emeka cannot come to your own house abi? Oya get inside before I open my eyes.

Akpos was being discharged from a mental hospital after the doctors thought he was finally back to normal. He was put in an ambulance to be taken back home. He claimed he knew the house, so he led the doctors. They took him to were he claimed he lived. Just as the approached a certain house, two kids dressed in uniforms came out of the house. Akpos screamed, "Those are my kids going to school." A minute later, a woman came out of the house and Akpos screamed, "That's my wife, she's late for work!" This time, the doctors were convinced Akpos was ok and took him out of the ambulance but still in chains. Just as they were about unlocking the chains, a man came out of the house and Akpos screamed, "YES, THAT'S ME GOING TO WORK."

A guy met Ndidi around GbomoGbomo estate and decided to pay her a visit. Here's how she gave direction to her house: Guy: Sweetie, how do I locate your house? Ndidi: When you get to GbomoGbomo estate, look for house 3d and with your ELBOW, push the door, come inside and you'll find the elevator on the right. With your Elbow, hit room 14. When you get out of the elevator, you'll find my apartment on the left and with your ELBOW, hit my door bell and I'll open the door for you. Guy: That sounds easy to find but why should I hit all these buttons with my elbow? Ndidi: Oh my gosh!!! Are you ok?? Don't tell me you want to visit me with empty hands. Are you!!!

When a White (American) baby falls, Parents: Oh My Word!!!! Princess are you okay? I'm so sorry you fell.... When a Black (Nigerian) baby falls: Parent: No look am! No look am or even tell am sorry so hin no go cry. translation: Don't look at him! Don't look at him or even tell him sorry, so he'll not cry.

An Igbo man opened a zoo and made the gate fee #2,000, but no one came. He reduced the gate fee to #1,500 and still, no one came. He decided to make the gate fee free and soon, the place was packed. He shut the gates, released the lions and made the exit fee #25,000.

A man bought a new car. A black Lexus. He decided to take the car to work to show it off to his friends. He arrived at work, parked his car and was about come out when a trailer drove by and tore the door out of its hinges. The man was mortified, he yelled at the driver, asking him to fix his car. A passerby stared at him with disgust written on his face. "You're busy yelling for a car that got ruined that you didn't even realise that your hand was ripped off." The man stared at his hand and his eyed widened in shock. "My Rolex watch! My Rolex watch was on that hand.

Sola's teacher called him a dummy and a waste of space and conception. She always found a way to make him feel bad because he was dull. One day, Sola's grandma came to school to find out how her grandson was doing in his studies and the teacher told her frankly that her grandson was the dullest person she has ever encountered. She advised Sola's grandma to enroll him under artisan. Sola's grandma was heartbroken, she quickly withdrew him from the school and migrated to Maiduguri. 25 years later... The teacher grew sick and need surgery. It turned out that the only doctor qualified to perform the operation resided in Maiduguri. The teacher decided to go for the operation and luckily for her, the operation turned out to be a success. When she woke up, she found a young doctor smiling down at her. Soon, she began to struggle and choke, fighting for her life. She tried to say something but couldn't because she was finding it hard to breathe. She gave up the ghost and died. It was found out that it was our dear Sola - now working as a cleaner in the hospital - who had unplugged the life machine to charge his phone. Wait! Wait! Wait!!!!! Please don't tell me that you thought that Sola became a doctor. Sola no know book be say Sola no know book {Sola is dull means that Sola is dull}. This is not a Nollywood movie. Sola? Doctor? Okay o

This is how you cross roads in Nigeria. Look left and right for moving vehicles, south for militants, east for boko haram, sideways for kidnappers, down for buried juju/black magic, up for assasins and finally, cross the road in a zigzag motion to dodge moving bullets. And if bullets still knock you down, the witches of your village must have used your name to compose national anthem.