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Evangelisttj:
Not newlyweds, but we have had to manage several differences for years. We have gone through turbulence and still are, as is common with many marriages. Truth be told, the fear of God and accountability is what is keeping the marriage; otherwise, many in our position who consider themselves substantially incompatible would have hit rock bottom.

Now, while many marriages fail due to things I have often considered stupid, I have come to realize that he who wears the shoe knows where and how it hurts.

My wife, with whom I will not make any accusations or try to paint in a bad light, has a compulsion to keep things I consider useless—plastics, bags, nylons, clothes—things that could be thrown out or discarded. She may say she would need them and for months may not use them. I am more of a minimalist and I like to dispose of things that clutter the space, but she sees a need in all these things. Children’s clothes that should be worn will sometimes be kept until they are no longer their size. It has caused lots of quarrels, but I have come to terms with it. However, what I do is this: if it at least belongs to me or is something within my control, then I can discard it.

A simple example: I had just finished using a plastic container and asked her to please discard it. Maybe I mentioned it three to four times just so we were clear. Next thing, maybe after a few days, I realized she had kept that same thing I asked her to dispose of. This creates a bit of tension, and what surprises me the most is that she doesn’t see it as right that I am angry. She has never seen it as being wrong, where you could avoid trouble if you do what your husband has gently requested. The last time, I think I saw her crying just because I got upset about her keeping something I had asked her to discard.

I sometimes feel so frustrated the way you feel towards a child like; "Dont you understand that this tension was caused by you if you had only done what I requested"... "Like don you get it?"

Now I am starting to think I am the problem, as her inability to adjust makes me feel that maybe the problem is actually me. We have so many things that I consider useless that could create space, but she will have an explanation for everything. Please, how do you deal with this, and have you had similar issues?

Trust me, I expect that some people will say, “Why bring marriage issues here?” and it is something I would never have imagined I’d do, but I am happy to hear your perspectives and even insults. By the way, I will share this thread with her so we can both learn.

Many thanks.

If what you wrote up there is truly what called the issue between you and your wife, bro, I won’t lie to you — you have a problem. Some men, honestly, just like to dominate in every way. So because a woman refused to discard what you see as waste, that’s now an issue in your home?

That’s not leadership, that’s control. Marriage isn’t a dictatorship; it’s partnership. You don’t always have to have your way, and not every disagreement needs to turn into a power struggle.

Ibkay32:
If what you wrote up there is truly what called the issue between you and your wife, bro, I won’t lie to you — you have a problem. Some men, honestly, just like to dominate in every way. So because a woman refused to discard what you see as waste, that’s now an issue in your home?

That’s not leadership, that’s control. Marriage isn’t a dictatorship; it’s partnership. You don’t always have to have your way, and not every disagreement needs to turn into a power struggle.

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Evangelisttj:
➜Not newlyweds, but we have had to manage several differences for years. We have gone through turbulence and still are, as is common with many marriages. Truth be told, the fear of God and accountability is what is keeping the marriage; otherwise, many in our position who consider themselves substantially incompatible would have hit rock bottom.
Now, while many marriages fail due to things I have often considered stupid, I have come to realize that he who wears the shoe knows where and how it hurts.
My wife, with whom I will not make any accusations or try to paint in a bad light, has a compulsion to keep things I consider useless—plastics, bags, nylons, clothes—things that could be thrown out or discarded. She may say she would need them and for months may not use them. I am more of a minimalist and I like to dispose of things that clutter the space, but she sees a need in all these things. Children’s clothes that should be worn will sometimes be kept until they are no longer their size. It has caused lots of quarrels, but I have come to terms with it. However, what I do is this: if it at least belongs to me or is something within my control, then I can discard it.
A simple example: I had just finished using a plastic container and asked her to please discard it. Maybe I mentioned it three to four times just so we were clear. Next thing, maybe after a few days, I realized she had kept that same thing I asked her to dispose of. This creates a bit of tension, and what surprises me the most is that she doesn’t see it as right that I am angry. She has never seen it as being wrong, where you could avoid trouble if you do what your husband has gently requested. The last time, I think I saw her crying just because I got upset about her keeping something I had asked her to discard.
➜ Now I am starting to think I am the problem, as her inability to adjust makes me feel that maybe the problem is actually me. We have so many things that I consider useless that could create space, but she will have an explanation for everything. Please, how do you deal with this, and have you had similar issues?
➜ Trust me, I expect that some people will say, “Why bring marriage issues here?” and it is something I would never have imagined I’d do, but I am happy to hear your perspectives and even insults. By the way, I will share this thread with her so we can both learn. Many thanks.

1. She is a semi-hoarder—there is absolutely nothing wrong with her as long as it does not become a full-blown hoarding problem that turns the lives of everyone, including the children, into chaos and illness. You, on the other hand, claim to be a minimalist, and you had a sensible compromise, which is that you discard those things that belong to you and let her be with hers. Why did you decide to give it to her? (Once you give someone something to discard, you also give that person the right to claim that thing as their own, since you no longer want that item.) So, why did you see fit to make an issue of something you refused to discard yourself? 🥱🥱🥱

2. I am glad I did not literally have to spell this fact out to you. (You are the problem, and the only solution to this issue lies with you.)

Leave the woman and the space issue alone for her to sort out eventually on her own. She will when she is finally ready to. Or are you ready to pay for months of mental health counseling so she can go, maybe sort out her reasons for clinging to those things? Do you have at least 200k in this economy for her to go get herself possible therapy to deal with whatever anxieties may be behind her need for holding onto things— now I am just assuming from your story that she may have something in the background causing her to hold on to things(could even be fear of poverty)? 🥱🥱

3. I am certain there are more important issues in your individual lives for you to each focus on than this. I suggest you spend more time on those for yourself. Next time your mind wanders towards that thought, pick up a good book to read instead. Discipline your mind... that is what you are in dire need of.🥱🥱

Kobojunkie:
1. She is a semi-hoarder—there is absolutely nothing wrong with her as long as it does not become a full-blown hoarding problem that turns the lives of everyone, including the children, into chaos and illness. You, on the other hand, claim to be a minimalist, and you had a sensible compromise, which is that you discard those things that belong to you and let her be with hers. Why did you decide to give it to her? (Once you give someone something to discard, you also give that person the right to claim that thing as their own, since you no longer want that item.) So, why did you see fit to make an issue of something you refused to discard yourself? 🥱🥱🥱

2. I am glad I did not literally have to spell this fact out to you. (You are the problem, and the only solution to this issue lies with you.)

Leave the woman and the space issue alone for her to sort out eventually on her own. She will when she is finally ready to. Or are you ready to pay for months of mental health counseling so she can go, maybe sort out her reasons for clinging to those things? Do you have at least 200k in this economy for her to go get herself possible therapy to deal with whatever anxieties may be behind her need for holding onto things— now I am just assuming from your story that she may have something in the background causing her to hold on to things(could even be fear of poverty)? 🥱🥱

3. I am certain there are more important issues in your individual lives for you to each focus on than this. I suggest you spend more time on those for yourself. Next time your mind wanders towards that thought, pick up a good book to read instead. Discipline your mind... that is what you are in dire need of.🥱🥱

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One of the things you'll have to learn as a man is ignoring things, especially trivial things. However I will not consider something important to you as trivial but when you play with women on that level, they start to lose respect for you. Just do what you need to do and talk less, let your actions speak more than your words.

Throw the things away yourself. Women are nurturers. Be careful before you start being the big baby man they are taking care of. I have seen this with many men and did not understand it. Women, in their nurturing and taking care of the home start to treat you like a tenant in your own house. They always look for what to take care of and it's sometimes unconscious when they are doing it. You will see more of this with couples in their 60s - 70s when their kids have left the home and it's only both of them living together. You start to hear of grumpy daddy and that man complains too much and they start to joke about him. That's why I cannot call what is important to you trivial. If it matters to you so much, set your boundaries.

Just state what you like and what you don't like. One day, take something she has thrown into the garbage and keep it somewhere she can see maybe in your bedroom. That should pass the message.

Evangelisttj:
Thank you so much!
Appreciate the comment.

I get your point, and I respect your opinion too. But either married or not, let’s be realistic here. Oga, you’re the problem in this situation and there’s no shame in admitting it. Go and work on yourself.

If your wife decided not to discard those things, you could have done it yourself. Nothing spoils, nothing reduces your respect, and nothing takes away your manhood. Peace and understanding matter more than ego in a home.

SixSeven:
One of the things you'll have to learn as a man is ignoring things, especially trivial things. However I will not consider something important to you as trivial but when you play with women on that level, they start to lose respect for you. Just do what you need to do and talk less, let your actions speak more than your words.

Throw the things away yourself. Women are nurturers. Be careful before you start being the big baby man they are taking care of. I have seen this with many men and did not understand it. Women, in their nurturing and taking care of the home start to treat you like a tenant in your own house. They always look for what to take care of and it's sometimes unconscious when they are doing it.

Just state what you like and what you don't like. One day, take something she has thrown into the garbage and keep it somewhere she can see maybe in your bedroom. That should pass the message.

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Ibkay32:
I get your point, and I respect your opinion too. But either married or not, let’s be realistic here. Oga, you’re the problem in this situation and there’s no shame in admitting it. Go and work on yourself.

If your wife decided not to discard those things, you could have done it yourself. Nothing spoils, nothing reduces your respect, and nothing takes away your manhood. Peace and understanding matter more than ego in a home.

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Evangelisttj:
➜Yes its important to me. I would wish we give out things, declutter spaces, buy new things, stay clean and maybe stick with one or two water bottles or coolers and change them promptly when required. Thats my belief but I have managed this for a long time and still doing. So its not like its causing a huge rift. Just wanted to hear views and I thank you.
➜ By the way, I agree with you about talking less.

1. But here is another problem: you think your belief is the right one and her belief is the wrong one.

2. Wrong! Communication is how husband and wife keep the gap between them significantly reduced. It is your right to talk about whatever possible issues you may notice between you, too. But in addition to talking, you should engage in more self-assessment and reflection. That is where you get to see that this isn't really a "She is wrong, and I am right" situation, but more a "There are possibly 1001 solutions/ways to resolve an issue, and it does not have to be just your solution that is correct."🥱🥱

Evangelisttj:
Yes its important to me. I would wish we give out things, declutter spaces, buy new things, stay clean and maybe stick with one or two water bottles or coolers and change them promptly when required. Thats my belief but I have managed this for a long time and still doing. So its not like its causing a huge rift. Just wanted to hear views and I thank you.

By the way, I agree with you about talking less.

You may want to ask her about growing up. It may come from her childhood. Most of the things we show as adults are what we grew up with. Why does she keep things? What is she afraid of? Maybe her mom kept things like this and it became useful one day. Maybe in school a friend of hers sold one antique item for a good amount. Don't make it about the things she keeps, just have a normal conversation so she doesn't feel attacked or on the edge which will make her defensive. And don't judge, just try to understand.

The day you sit with her to understand her childhood and circumstances that made her keep things for the rainy day, you'll learn a lot and she too will either learn or unlearn. You may find out if she is a hoarder and she doesn't know. In fact, look for those series that show how hoarders live. It may spark something in her. Many times, we are living on autopilot without ever pausing to ask WHY DO I EVEN DO WHAT I DO

SixSeven:
You may want to ask her about growing up. It may come from her childhood. Most of the things we show as adults are what we grew up with. Why does she keep things? What is she afraid of? Maybe her mom kept things like this and it became useful one day. Maybe in school a friend of hers sold one antique item for a good amount. Don't make it about the things she keeps, just have a normal conversation so she doesn't feel attacked or on the edge which will make her defensive. And don't judge, just try to understand.

The day you sit with her to understand her childhood and circumstances that made her keep things for the rainy day, you'll learn a lot and she too will either learn or unlearn. You may find out if she is a hoarder and she doesn't know. In fact, look for those series that show how hoarders live. It may spark something in her. Many times, we are living on autopilot without ever pausing to ask WHY DO I EVEN DO WHAT I DO

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OP I wanted to add, from your comments, you sound like someone who has a good head WRT material things. In psychology, it is said that decluttering helps you to renew your energy and makes space for new things. If you want new things to come into your life, you have to be willing to let go of the old. Spiritually, you are told to give out even some things you old dear so that you are not too attached to this material world. A life of a minimalist is free 🫡

I know you may have come across some of these pictures but I believe both of you have different philosophies, so the day you have a discussion, a friendly one, she will LISTEN to you. Currently, she's hearing you but not listening. When you let the other person explain themselves and they are willing to hear you, trust me, things will start to change from there.

Evangelisttj:
➜Got it! Thanks.

You are NOT a mental health counselor, so do not attempt to counsel your wife in things you do not understand. You are possibly driven by your own childhood traumas in your need to rid the house of items to make space for new ones. So, whatever you do, do not turn your wife into a project for you to fix, else you will only create more issues for yourself and your marriage. 🥱🥱🥱

She is not your child. She is an adult; she is your partner and equal, as you are both mature individuals whose ability to make decisions is equally matched. She is not for you to repair.

Evangelisttj:
➜Got it! and thanks.
Honestly, after reading the submission from ... about anxiety etc, I have just gone to her to have a soft conversation about how she is doing and her plans for tomorrow etc. We must learn to deescalate and relearn to learn.

That I pointed out her actions possibly being driven by anxieties DOES NOT mean that your own decision to rid the place of things isn't equally driven by the same. Yes, it is possible for similar issues to drive two people in different directions. So, do not attempt to fix her yourself. Or assume that she needs fixing while you don't.

Most people out there in Nigeria are driven by at least anxiety; a mental health counselor recently suggested that about 90% of the population are walking around with undiagnosed mental illness. And the vast majority hide it all behind the cloak that is religion.

SixSeven:
OP I wanted to add, from your comments, you sound like someone who has a good head WRT material things. In psychology, it is said that decluttering helps you to renew your energy and makes space for new things. If you want new things to come into your life, you have to be willing to let go of the old. Spiritually, you are told to give out even some things you old dear so that you are not too attached to this material world. A life of a minimalist is free 🫡

I know you may have come across some of these pictures but I believe both of you have different philosophies, so the day you have a discussion, a friendly one, she will LISTEN to you. Currently, she's hearing you but not listening. When you let the other person explain themselves and they are willing to hear you, trust me, things will start to change from there.

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Kobojunkie:
That I pointed out her actions possibly being driven by anxieties DOES NOT mean that your own decision to rid the place of things isn't equally driven by the same. Yes, it is possible for similar issues to drive two people in different directions. So, do not attempt to fix her yourself. Or assume that she needs fixing while you don't.

Most people out there in Nigeria are driven by at least anxiety; a mental health counselor recently suggested that about 90% of the population are walking around with undiagnosed mental illness. And the vast majority hide it all behind the cloak that is religion.

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Tolerance is really the number one rule every man needs to learn before getting married. You have to remember you’re bringing someone in who has a completely different background and upbringing from yours. As they say, habits are easy to form but hard to break. Since this hoarding thing is already a habit for her, you just have to learn to manage it.

The best approach is communication first—no shouting or fighting. Just sit her down and explain calmly why the clutter bothers you. If she’s struggling to stop, you can step in to help—but be smart about it. Maybe when she’s out, you can quietly clear out 5 or 10 of the most useless items (like old bottles or bags) and organize the rest neatly. If you just keep nagging her about it without offering a solution, a small issue like this could escalate into a major crisis. Peace matters more. Just my 2 cents.

Evangelisttj:
I am very sensitive to things.

Smell, patterns, and disorganized places.
I am a minimalist. Keep the things thats only needed.

I just wanted to remind you that you are the leader of the house. Don't get lost in this redefinition. You and your wife are not partners. The woman is looking up to your leadership. They are not looking to your partnership. They don't see you as equals except you create that. Women defer to authority. They are not led by partnership. I am not going to bother you but be the man of your house. You are the leader. Don't let them tell you otherwise.

SpencerForbes:
Tolerance is really the number one rule every man needs to learn before getting married. You have to remember you’re bringing someone in who has a completely different background and upbringing from yours. As they say, habits are easy to form but hard to break. Since this hoarding thing is already a habit for her, you just have to learn to manage it.

The best approach is communication first—no shouting or fighting. Just sit her down and explain calmly why the clutter bothers you. If she’s struggling to stop, you can step in to help—but be smart about it. Maybe when she’s out, you can quietly clear out 5 or 10 of the most useless items (like old bottles or bags) and organize the rest neatly. If you just keep nagging her about it without offering a solution, a small issue like this could escalate into a major crisis. Peace matters more. Just my 2 cents.

May God bless you.

Ibkay32:
If what you wrote up there is truly what called the issue between you and your wife, bro, I won’t lie to you — you have a problem. Some men, honestly, just like to dominate in every way. So because a woman refused to discard what you see as waste, that’s now an issue in your home?

That’s not leadership, that’s control. Marriage isn’t a dictatorship; it’s partnership. You don’t always have to have your way, and not every disagreement needs to turn into a power struggle.

Marriage is a vehicle so it needs control. And 2 drivers cannot drive 1 vehicle. And from the tone he is not a dictator.

He just has a serious problem that has to be handled delicately

SpencerForbes:
Tolerance is really the number one rule every man needs to learn before getting married. You have to remember you’re bringing someone in who has a completely different background and upbringing from yours. As they say, habits are easy to form but hard to break. Since this hoarding thing is already a habit for her, you just have to learn to manage it.

The best approach is communication first—no shouting or fighting. Just sit her down and explain calmly why the clutter bothers you. If she’s struggling to stop, you can step in to help—but be smart about it. Maybe when she’s out, you can quietly clear out 5 or 10 of the most useless items (like old bottles or bags) and organize the rest neatly. If you just keep nagging her about it without offering a solution, a small issue like this could escalate into a major crisis. Peace matters more. Just my 2 cents.

There is nothing like everlasting tolerance.

Evangelisttj:
Yes its important to me. I would wish we give out things, declutter spaces, buy new things, stay clean and maybe stick with one or two water bottles or coolers and change them promptly when required. Thats my belief but I have managed this for a long time and still doing. So its not like its causing a huge rift. Just wanted to hear views and I thank you.

By the way, I agree with you about talking less.

I perceive she is much younger than you, if so, then sorry is all I should say and I wish you more tolerance to your chest

Dtruthspeaker:
Marriage is a vehicle so it needs control. And 2 drivers cannot drive 1 vehicle. And from the tone he is not a dictator.

He just has a serious problem that has to be handled delicately

Make una dey deceived una self

Ibkay32:
Make una dey deceived una self

As u drive una vehicle na so e go take travel or una go crash am. Wetin be my own.

Dtruthspeaker:
There is nothing like everlasting tolerance.

Where did I make mention of everlasting tolerance

Dtruthspeaker:
As u drive una vehicle na so e go take travel or una go crash am. Wetin be my own.

Drive your own the way u sabi drive am, make I drive my own as I sabi drive am too

Ibkay32:
Drive your own the way u sabi drive am, make I drive my own as I sabi drive am too

I don already dey drive my own dey go, so no problem

SpencerForbes:
Where did I make mention of everlasting tolerance

You said "Tolerance is really the number one rule every man needs to learn before getting married" but I am just saying tolerance, ends.

Dtruthspeaker:
You said "Tolerance is really the number one rule every man needs to learn before getting married" but I am just saying tolerance, ends.

It seems you overlooked the part where I explicitly stated he needs to take action. No single rule covers the complexities of marriage; he also needs to master the art of setting boundaries and communicating effectively. I shouldn’t have to list every single relationship fundamental to make a point.

There is a clear line between what should be tolerated and what requires a firm response. A wife having a different personality or perspective isn't 'disrespect'—it’s just human nature. Even a simple roommate situation requires a level of tolerance. You don't discard a marriage or belittle your spouse simply because they see life differently. Correcting bad habits and addictions requires love and leadership, not just a demand for dominance.

Dtruthspeaker:
I perceive she is much younger than you, if so, then sorry is all I should say and I wish you more tolerance to your chest

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I just love the fact that the Men here were being factual with him
Letting him know he had no issue
But the wife actually did


Sir
You're the leader
You know how things shud be
That's why you're a man
Discard what that koko and the other nigha tellin u have a problem
Discard their words
They've said nothing sensible!