Tino went to a psychiatrist.
"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble.
Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it.
I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it.
Top, under, top, under. you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the psychiatrist.
"Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep over it," said Tino.

Six months later the doctor met Tino on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

A man was caught sleeping during working hours and his response was;
“No! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”

A Lady to Doctor: “My husband has got a habit of talking in sleep! What should I do to help him?”
Dr: “Give him an Opportunity to speak when he is awake”

"I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend,"
an embarrassed woman said after a church service,
"when my husband walked out during your sermon."

"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.

"It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the churchgoer.
"Tafi has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."

On a frigid Denver night in 2003, a quiet and unassuming nurse went to bed. And then.

While still asleep, she got up, slugged down half a bottle of wine and got into her
car only wearing a nightshirt in 20 degree weather. Drunken, sleep driving nurses are hardcore.

Because traffic rules are different when you're both drunk and asleep,
she wrecked her car at an intersection, figured this was now the bathroom and
popped a squat on the road. Two fully awake police officers, unaware of the
finer points of drunken sleep pissing, came to arrest her, so she assaulted them because Bleep those guys.

Prosecutors let her plead to just a reckless driving charge,
though even that seems unfair if she was unconscious the whole time.
It's almost like they were unclear as to exactly what parts of the
ordeal the woman was asleep for, versus the parts where she was awake and just decided to go with the flow.

"Doc, I can't sleep anymore," the man complained. "I've tried everything,
but I just toss and turn."
"You have to learn to relax," the doctor said. "Try putting each part of
your body to sleep separately."

That night the guy crawled into bed, got comfortable and started to talk to his body.
"Toes, go to sleep," he whispered."Feet, go to sleep. Legs, go to sleep. Hips, go to sleep.
Stomach, go to sleep"

Just then, his wife walked in wearing a transparent lingaree.
The husband opened one eye, then lifted his head from the pillow.
"OK," he shouted, "up, up...everybody up!"