Dear Rochas,
My hatred for the Western media is a global secret. I have personally boycotted them for over two decades. I would have maintained my blissful presumption that their flagship cable television has long gone extinct, if it were not for a recent event that had to do with your person.

You may not know but I discovered ‘’fake news’’. I discerned the West’s practice of fact-bending journalism and outed them long before the internet emerged and popularized ‘’fake news’’. This is the real reason they portray me as a buffoon, the humanoid baboon that reduced Zimbabwe from a food basket to a banana republic.
Notwithstanding my aversion for the Western press, some of my aides insisted, even at the risk of their jobs, that I permit them to monitor the enemy channels so they can serve me more useful briefing papers. I demurred at first, but later indulged them: I reckoned them well-meaning, naïve youths who would have to grow up to appreciate that ‘’world news’’ are essentially the neocolonialists’ propaganda.
In hindsight, I think my staffers were right to suggest that good things can come from Western newswires sometimes. Few days ago, those diligent aides highlighted a paragraph in my briefing papers in bright green. Not because my vision has dimmed. But because they said they wanted me to pay particular attention to some information in the colour-shaded part that was certain to interest me.
They were right. I had them read the paragraph to me. And I found it very important. The paragraph summarized a CNN story of your aesthetic pageant in your state. You erected a 6-feet high, life-sized statue of Jacob Zuma, invited him to witness an elaborate ceremony for the unveiling and bestowed on him a chieftaincy title.

I am compelled to advise you that I should have been gifted the statue. I am Jacob’s elder, in age and in power. I am 93 and in my 30th year in office as president. Jacob is only 75 and in his 8th year in office. You shouldn’t have passed me over to immortalize him with a statue.
In Africa, we allocate things according to the abundance of gray hairs. We prioritize the child when sharing trivial things like pieces of meat in the common soup. But in matters as weighty and lasting as erecting statues in the heart of the city, the elder comes first.
You must not construe my concern as a complaint motivated by jealousy. I am actually actuated by a sense of sagely responsibility. I am the most renowned elder statesman in Africa. It is my sacred duty to point out your inadvertent breach of cultural protocol and counsel you to take urgent steps to remedy it.
Part of the exclusive privilege of my ripe age is that I occasionally hear fragments of the discussions of our fathers in the spiritworld. I regret to inform you that those patron saints feel offended that you passed me by in favour of Jacob. They take it personally because I am just a mournful rite away from joining their society.
But I am willing to bend over backwards to accept the honour of a runner up. My intimates compliment me on my uncommon humility. They often wish aloud that the rest of the world had the chance to encounter me in person. They swear that the meekness at the core of my being will move those pilgrims to tears.
So, don’t be amazed, my dear Rochas, that I propose to stoop to accept the honour of a statue after Jacob has had the first taste of the glory.
The honour will cause my shy and self-effacing self a lot of embarrassment. The Western press will give me wall-to-wall caricature coverage for, at least, one whole week. But I am prepared to make the sacrifice of absorbing the scorn. I am eager to fly over seven seas and seven forests to see my modest statue for the sake of redeeming the African elder’s right of first refusal in matters of monuments and memorials.
A part of me believes that you know about the preeminence of the elder in African culture and probably desired to give me my due. But I suspect that you may have been discouraged by the presumed protocol nightmare that my trip and ‘working visit’ would cause you.
Let me quickly relieve you of that treacherous fear: my senility and frailty are exaggerated. I am stronger than the Western press can ever admit.
I still walk unaided. And for caution, I travel with a personal assistant who carries my portable, special wheelchair. My virtuous wife, Grace (the most solicitous first lady on the continent) is always by my side. She will be available to push the wheelchair in case gravity pulls my legs.
I am told that some of your countrymen and South Africans insinuated that you built the statue for Jacob in acknowledgement of his fabled record as the African president with the longest list of corruption charges.
If capacity for corruption informed your choice of Jacob, I am a more deserving candidate for the honour of a statue. Jacob’s corruption cannot hold a candle to mine. I am associated with uncountable corruption charges compared to his 783 charges.
I have tarried in power for so long that my formidable aura, on its own, destroyed all the public institutions that would have investigated or kept count of my acts of corruption. I am a modest man. So, I will not exalt myself unduly by asking you to imagine how much corruption I have possibly packed in the 30 years of my one-man rulership of Zimbabwe if Jacob managed to cram his short 8 years tenure with 783 misdeeds.
My aides told me one state governor built a 20-feet statue for one of your country’s greatest leaders. But the followers of the late legend disavowed the figure and said the sculpture was an excrescence shaped by mistaken identity. The generous governor was rewarded with censure instead of praise.
I guarantee that my ever-loyal ZANU-PF supporters would not speak ill of the statue you shall make for me. They will not reward your benevolence with bitter criticism.
Whether you build me the statue of a seated Mugabe, a squatting Mugabe, or a prostrate Mugabe, I shall love it. Whether it bears the closest resemblance to my features or the farthest similitude to my evolutionary forebears, I shall celebrate it. Whether the statue is gold, silver or bronze, I shall delight myself in its sight for it shall validate my significance. The honour from a distant land will establish that I am a prophet of Biblical stature.
I am also told that Jacob’s xenophobic profile may have endeared him to you. I boast a more sterling record. I am a humane xenophobe. While his people kill Nigerians, I evicted only whites from my country.
I am a true African. I am guided by the spirit of black brotherhood. I am hospitable to my fellow black brethren.
I am glad that you told the taxpayers in your state that you cannot descend to apologize to them for building Jacob a statue at their expense. I am sure you will give them the same reply if they chide you for building an idol after my image and likeness.
Written by Comrade Robert Mugabe
President of the Republic of Zimbabwe

OK

EMEKA1MILLION:
Having gone through the thread where E warriors blasted pastor David Ibiyeomie's church members for buying him a private jet, I decided to shut them up with this thread.
In this generation, it's easy for anyone to just say what they want without knowing the truth first.
I was a church critic, even worst than daddy freeze, until God took me to this church one day and my life turned....
I am not here to prove anything to anyone but to let them understand the wonderful work this man does that bloggers will never carry neither nairaland mods pay attention to it since its not a post criticizing a certain man of God...



U can't avoid moving this to the front page.

you attribute Gods work to a man.
Did God collect a dime from us before doing amazing things for us?
Is it the pastor that helped the members or God?
God would have preferred that such money goes to the less priviledges.

bily:


I'm still trying to figure out what is it about Tuesday's and Wednesday's that you said is dry. Is it that people don't go out on these days or are these days Nigerian resting days?

all experienced UBER drivers know that these are dry days. Its always frustrating sitting inside ur car under the sun for hours without getting a request.

tobinson:

I respect you .bro,this ogunvic. guy na. rubbish jare,he feels he needs to. coach you .....thanx bro

if u are a new driver here, I will advise that u get an experienced uber-taxify driver to put u tru before u start at all. Especially wen u are on rental agreement. My first week wasn't good at all as I didn't make up to 40k that I was supposed to deliver. Second week was better as I made 43k which left me with 3k after weekly remmitance. The reason for those low earning was as a result of inexperience in the business. I was frustrated because after a month, I couldn't boast of 30k in my pocket. At the end, I returned that car and re-strategised. Sold my very sound honda baby boy that wasn't qualified for Uber to get an almost dead Nigerian used 2009 Nissan. Then I consulted a fleet manager who introduced me to one of his Uber drivers. I got back on the road wiser and stronger and I was enjoying myself. All these happened when Uber hasn't reduced their fare. I dropped someone at gbagada, so a guy quickly ran up to me to ask if I am an Uber driver, I told him yes, so he asked if u could give him a little tip as he's about to start as a new driver in a weeks time. He got my number and I kept calling him to explain some scenarios to him. After 2 weeks, he called me to complain to me that it is not easy o. That he would have been in debt if not for my advice. When I called Ogunvic also, I discovered that I was also a learner and when I put his advice to use, I've seen much difference in my earnings now. And concerning the way they post their earnings here, it is really helping a lot of us. Now I've learnt another thing from Ogunvic's post today again. I will start using it now . I've lost hope in this business before but Ogunvic has encouraged me. Just focus on the positive side of any post you see here and ignore the negative side. Hating each other won't add anything to us;especially when we don't even know ourselves.

TSTC:
Got this LION home, thanks to God

thank God

kingreign:
Maybe the oBSI don lock or timing belt don make kpekem

African mentality. Always looking for the downfall of their fellow brothers.

Alonzo360:
Seconded..

seconded

Romeo3:
5 star interior

chai

sconp:
In this argument everyone is a winner because no specifics were defined.

The best way to compare is to bring a Corolla 06 and Peugeot 407 and compare them on uber

God bless you bro. We've not even seen anyone driving a corolla on UBER to comment on this. My friend that drives a corolla registered it on UBER after he lost his job, after changing the the shock absorber withing d space of 8 months, he sold it off to buy a Honda civic. If u are going to defend a car, use UBER experience as a yardstick, not bank or private usage experience.

Saw this on my friends Facebook wall and it got me cracked up and at the same time thinking. He said and I quote:
"I am from Nigeria where, as a driver, you have to memorise all the pot holes and cavities while driving. Its part of Nigerian driving syllabus.
If I were a lawyer, I would have gone to court to challenge the useless payment of road worthiness with the current state of our roads. The VIO/FRSC will be giving fines and impounding cars for road worthiness as if the roads are even car worthy.
In a sane world, Nigeria government should be the one paying car owners for road worthiness because these roads are not worthy of cars.
This is a country where we keep giving to the government in the name of one law or the other, yet we get almost nothing in return from the government"

God help this country

Romeo3:
dem no go school. else they should know that 100k after commission = 100k net earnings. They want to compete with uber. mo'fuckers.

*goes online on uber*

u never for once liked taxify. Guarantee or no guarantee, I'm enjoying dem.

blackylola:
that is a senseless idea from Taxify

Uber does it also. They always send msgs to me that client has cancelled a lot on me in d past week and if it continues,they will deactivate me

ogunvic41:
Washing my LION...
PEUGEOT 407...
So far...

u gat me thinking guy. I'm already falling in love with this car but my question is...how reliable is the automatic? Cos I no fit drive manual for transport business o.

mrsage:



I say a very big Ameeeen.

@gazzuzz please look in the other direction

no think am. Its inevitable. U no go change oil again?... which is the least of it. Except your car is not for commercial purpose.

Romeo3:
uber 60 trips weekly is no longer considered a challenge to me. only did 14 trips so far

you don't wise up now. Shebi we dey tell u before.

wtfcoded:
Very dirty tribe.

you must be an oloriburuku for bringing tribal sentiment here.

OAKSFIVEFARMS:

Sent

bro, please send me the eBook o. Ayodele_temi@yahoo.com

I have just finished applying. Please add my number 08060057637

@ogunvic, much love for you bro. People like you are so rare in this part of the world. You don't only make your money secretly and allow others to complain; instead, you call them to teach them your strategy(pure strategy with no dubious intentions) and also give them some words of encouragement. You use your own money and time to call them. We spoke for 25mins and some seconds and it was with your airtime. You were so courteous and respectful. I really appreciate it. Let haters continue to attack you as they have long waited for the opportunity to come, so they can attack. God will take you to greater height IJN. Much love bro

iamspeedracer:

Are you serious?

this is serious

Romeo3:
see as they wrote it as if they wont still charge 25% from the cancellation fee

my thought exactly

Hmmm, partners won't understand anything until they get on the road and drive demselves. If u know d kind of work these cars do daily, u would pity the car. I have already condemned my car to be only good for uber business and not for private use again. If I get a job,I would just sell it off and get another one for private use. These cars can never remain the same again after 4 months usage. Now, I can't even save from it again as the income only settles household expenses and vehicle repair expenses. You can only enjoy the business for the little time u started it and with a good car. After few months,the workload would have taken its toll on the car and u get to visit the mechanic, rewire and panel beater on a weekly basis(exhaust pipe leakage). Those that give their cars out on HP are lucky because by the time the driver is done paying up, the car would already be a trash. My personal experience

UrennaNkoli:
We all know about our local breeds we find around. Call it basenji, call it indian pariah call it ekuke, call it meat 404 call it stray dogs, call it shit eaters but truth is, these breeds need more care and need not to be treated like a pack of shit

Here are some reasons why you should own an ekuke over that caucasian , pitbull , samoyed or GSD you so much crave for

1. Immunity and disease resistance

Have you ever seen an ekuke being dewormed or vaccinated at birth? Fact is no and never. Why ? Well thats because these breeds are so much immune to so many diseases affecting canines. You'll see them in gutters and dump yards yet, dem go still dey healthy . But with that boarboel of yours, you'll always be scared of pavo virus and the rest hoping your 150k + doesn't go with the wind. You can't even let your dogs out anyhow but with an ekuke, you don't need to be worried.

2. Feeding

Some people spend 10k+ every month just to feed their GSD. Some spend 15k+ just to feed their caucasian. With your local breed, why should you spend that much when all you have to do is feed it the remains of last night's food. They'll eat anything, they don't complain. Give them eba, they'll eat. you want to treat them well, give them spoilt beans, they'll love you for ever.

3. Cost
To get a very pure boarboel from S.A, ready your 200k+ , same goes for caucasian and about 150k+ for a good GSD but with your 1k, you can get your local dog. Some even goes for as low as 500 naira. So come to think of it, why spend that much on just a dog that can die at any time.

4. Security
Some say these breeds are not security conscious but thats a fat lie. If you want to mess with them visit them at night when they are most active. (Which thief or burglar operates during the day tho). They are naturally sight hounds and speed hounds (hunters use them to catch meat and their success rate is 90%). They'll alert you way before any intruder gets in. Moreover, why spend 100 thousand naira or more on a foreign breed when you can get 100 ekukes to guard your home (who born any thief well when you have hundreds of dogs waiting in line to have a taste of your juicy flesh) . Afterall, there's strength in numbers they say

5. Longevity
They never fall sick, they never starve (even if you don't feed them they'll go an look for food themselves. Thats how smart they are). So what will kill them then?

entparrot:


All Uber riders deserve the worst treatment, they support Uber for the slavery, they have the option of using taxify, so they should just quit Uber.

I picked a white man and wen he got into my car, the first thing he said was that "I saw ur colleagues advertising your price reduction promo. They came to me with a flier and I told them I was not interested cos I don't want to take UBER when they are on promo...it is the driver that suffers it. I want to pay the correct fare for every service I enjoy." Nigerians are the one enjoying the awoof and still expecting more from the driver over a fare that even an okada rider would not take. I picked a lady from lekki to surulere and the fare was 460 naira. I knew already that it was a wrong calculation. I collected 500 naira and she waited for me to find 40 naira change for her which she collected...so I went offline and reported to UBER about it. The lady that responded to my complaint from UBER had to ask me again that "u mean she still collected 40 naira change?", then I responded yes. Many UBER riders are so useless.

Terrence15115:
Good morning house. Please what does one need to register on Taxify.

your vehicle insurance paper and drivers license. It takes just 2 hrs to get u online. There are two sessions in a day...one from 10 am to 2pm and another from 2 to 4pm. Just go to their office within those hours with ur documents and u will be registered.

Ifeanyimark:
God bless taxify

yes o. God bless taxify. No matter how far d pickup location is,I'm always excited to go and pick d rider.

fuckerstard:
This ikoyi dry today o, no request on uber or taxify for 30mins now.

Make somebody carry me go back to mainland o jesu. All the owambe today

nothing dey mainland eitherl. I'm still waiting for request for over 30 mins now. I'm at Allen avenue. Taxify and UBER

Hello guys,please who is presently at Ikeja side? I need him to pick someone up at ojodu berger. She going to elegushi. I'm far from there, that's why i can't pick her up

myquestion:


Wats her location?

ago palace way, okota

Hello house. Please I need a person with a valid drivers license to sit with a new driver with learners permit for two weeks. That is Mon to Fri for 5wo weeks. She's willing to pay 10k for the two weeks. In case u know ànyone pls