DeeMain:
I tread a different route from most here and commend you for your emotional intelligence on this thread. You have shown great matuirity over criticisms deserved and undeserved by people that don't know you nor have all the details.

There are some beautiful advice that have been given here. I know you know them. Follow them and jettison the rest.

You are smart and assertive and emotionally intelligent and humble enough to learn but you have weaknesses too like the rest of us. Keep working on overcoming them and becoming a better person. Never let hurtful words by some here get to you. Take charge.

Your decision to quit the relationship now is sound. All your family and friends can't all be wrong and you the smart one.

Focus on your dreams and purpose. Give him enough space. After some years if destiny brings you back and you want to marry him then do so. But if not, you'll find another. Bottomline, giving him space will give you the clarity of mind and the wholeness you need to make better weighty decisions like the choice of a marriage partner.

Best wishes.

crackhaus:

You can't do anything to improve whatever relationship he has with his family, especially now that they don't even like you - it will only get worse once you force yourself on them...but if for some inexplicable reason your bf is ready to go against them on your behalf, then y'all can sing your Kumbaya as you both walk down the aisle.

Just remember that there will be a lot of I told you so coming from both his family and yours if the going gets tough.



*Cough*

*Clears throat*

*Cough*

I hear read you Princess, love definitely conquers all.



Let me guess, his parents are wise ONLY when their opinion makes you giddy.

On the occasion of them not wanting you to become a part of their family, their wisdom in the matter becomes inconclusive because you don't agree with it.



Me? Conclude?

Girl have you been reading your comments about his family so far, you coming off as someone that doesn't even want to dobalé.

If there has been long-standing issues in that family, I wonder what you're even still looking for inside there.
However like I said before, if your man is ready to ride that storm with you, then Kumbaya...



There's a fire on the mountain.



Not to burst your bubble, but I think he'll get over you eventually should you decide to scram.

Onegai:


I think you'll be fine. And please don't take the comment about People skills wrongly, almost everyone I know doesn't have it, heck I'm still learning it. That laughter at his comment, that was a reaction. And one day, if you're not in a good mood or having a bad day and he makes another spiteful comment, you will flare up. Because you're human. Trust me, I've been there. And the other party immediately seizes on my reaction and plays it to an attack against me. And later on, it hurt. Because an innocent moment was turned into an opportunity for a goat to be spiteful.

Great people skills means you won't react immediately, not even with laughter. You will go "hmm, okay" in the calmest of voices and continue the conversation. My MiL has mad people skills, I've never seen her truly upset or angry in that she won't react at that possible moment but pass the message along later. Her eyes are always on the end game. The worst thing she has ever said to me, had so little sting in her tone, but I knew she wasn't happy with me. And it is so effortless, it comes off as genuine and sometimes, it only dawns on you a week or month later what she really meant. She knows when to smile, when to be calm, how to be underestimated but still be a juggernaut, when to react, how to always sound sympathetic no matter what, how to pass across a message without getting her emotions and feeling involved and how to code her emotions when she's angry. That is what makes her awesome...and dangerous .

Richy4:
The thing is that everyone is worried about u entering into that family....and your fear is heightened because of that....which is understandable......

But What if this guy was your soul mate? the one that was meant for u, Are u gonna ignore him or call it off because of what was not his making? He did not asked to be born in a home full of baggage...

You know he is a good guy, if he wasn't, i do not think we will be discussing him...

Honestly the whole ball is in your court either To follow your heart and be a star in in that family/ the voice of reason or act on your own family's fear

Richy4:
Please I have to ask a question here and do not feel offended because we all are deliberating on the best solution....

<<<<What was it that turn the family off when ever they see you? have you thought about that?

<<<<Do you see yourself as the best thing since sliced bread?
just asking because any one that studied literature in English in high school will know that we were told to read between the lines.....and notice the author's tone and use of words...

I saw briefly in your write up when u mentioned about your value..that they do not know your value....If U have been introduced then u might talk about yourself worth...Don't u think it is too early to be acting like the best thing that happened after christ?

If you really like the guy, maybe your ticket might be a little humility toward the parent...your write up kind of shows that you were the one calling the shots in that relationship. i might be wrong though but sit down and think a little about what your future inlaws like about you or hated about u

thorpido:
If he has shown himself to be someone of exemplary character as you say,I'll say you should give it a chance.
One thing I want you to consider is how much independence he has.Does his family control the decisions he makes?Also,if you marry,are you going to live close to them?

Answer these questions.

Ujoan:
Are you 'difficult and contolling" ? As far as I'm concerned that's the only tangible thing you've mentioned you have against them. Perhaps they are only trying protect their brother. Like you said, Nigerian marriages is not just about the immediate family.
Maybe they are not worshipping the ground you step on because they realise marriage is not a competition of who is more valuable. . . You will face each other at your best and worst and there's noneed going into it with an air of superiority.
If however you feel strongly about them being a thorn in your flesh, I think you need to move on. You can't completely expect a man not to have some sort of influence (no matter how minute) from his family.

crackhaus:

Seems like someone is already laying the foundation for the only-me-and-my-husband kind of marriage.

This is the mentality that I feel I will have to have to survive in this environment. Its truly not as easy as you think. This is not what I want at all. I'm very family oriented and I wish he had a good relationship with his family just as I have with mine.

Hello Princess, the only people you're worth something to by default is your family and your God...for every other person out there, you will have to earn it.
What have you done to prove yourself to his family?

I don't need to prove myself to anyone. I've loved him and his family and that's all it should be. I don't owe anyone anything.

I'm glad you realize that you just don't marry a man without the involvement of his family.
However, don't you think there's a problem somewhere if all you can see in his family are their negative characteristics?
Tell us one thing you like about his family, JUST ONE.

His parents are wise in some matters. I've appreciated their advise when it was given. They know this because I've told them this.

Your parents in all their wisdom and at least 20years of experience in marriage have given you their counsel.
You have just three choices;
1. Try getting his family to change their opinion about you and see you for the awesome & exemplary person you say you are which shouldn't be too hard if you ask me because character speaks for itself.

[i]It's funny how you've concluded that I haven't done everything I could. There has been long standing family issues in this family, I was just unaware, this is what his mother told me recently. No matter what character you possess, not everyone will see your worth.

2. Forget about what his family thinks, pay no attention to your parents, and please go ahead with the marriage - just remember that you may have succeeded in creating a rift between your man and his family which will ONLY be favorable to you, but NEVER favorable to him in the long run.

I'm not the cause of this new rift, it's just another piled on top of many others.

3. Move on and find love elsewhere.[/i]