Actually, money and being "spoilt" are no where near the reasons why what happened did. Everything was totally unplanned. We met on the aircraft on board to accra. Infact, his friend was hitting on me and I completely rebuffed his advances. We all got talking and discovered we were going for the same conference.

The coincidences afterwards were too much and it was all so innocent. All the while I thought I was in control and even when I sensed I was slipping, I spoke to him about it and he said he was totally harmless until the harm eventually occurred.

In all of this, I have learnt never to say NEVER! Never to be so sure of my standards and take things for granted.

Thank you all for sharing your opinions. For the very few who actually gave meaningful advice, it is highly apreciated. Someone (I think signalmind) mentioned that I intend to do right not because I love my boyfriend and that I was influenced by friends amongst other assumptions.

That's another wrong assumption. Cheating actually has nothing to do with falling out of love with ones current partner. I think I was weak and thoughtless. Also, I do not have friends with low maral standards and this is the reason I can't even share my experience with them but chose to come here.

As for all those who have cast stones, passed judgement and made silly assumptions, I am not in the least bit hurt by your words because you don't know my person and I understand that it is always easier to play self righteous!

I really do feel a lot better. Guess I didn't know how much weight I have been carrying around. Thank you MrbrownJay and Wacky. Your opinions are highly valued. Ogugua thanks too. Your response was just the harsh truth I needed to hear.

I am going to do the right thing and keep you guys posted.

WackyJ1:
Look at you.. I knew it, you were seriously considering not telling him. So if you end the relationship, you'll just give a filmsy excuse and say that's why? Did you even read my post on the previous page ? Do you think he'll just let you go like that? Does 4 years not mean anything to you? Where you ever who you Said you were?
And when you're asking bout help? You should have put it well. How will telling him help ME ?because that is really what you want to know, doing the right thing will help him so forget about yourself for now.
Jeez, and you'll come here and be talking don't judge me...

Lol, oga please take it easy. Actually, I meant how will telling him help him! Believe me, I am not thinking of myself when I ask that question. I am not ending the relationship, I am just scared that if this could happen at this time, then I have to be really careful. Infact, the relationship is over 5yrs and we are in different states. We have been coping well and recently got engaged. Now the fact that this happened got me scared and shocked at what I am capable of.

Lately on NL I have read about how a fiancee cheated and a married woman cheated and it got me worried. I need to really deal with myself separately.

MrbrownJay: we are on a break, I didn't dump him, that is not possible! I just really do need this time to sort things out. It's just sooooo hard that I'm going through this alone. This is the first time I am speaking to anyone about this.

trappatoni: there are two masters in the world-the spirit and the self. in the begining it was only the spirit,the self came into being when adam and eve ate the forbidden fruit-when they ate the forbidden fruit they fell into soul sleep and saw their unclothedness but its just an illusion its not real,everything that comes from the self is not real and will perish.everything that comes from the spirit will endure forever.DO NOT JUSTIFY YOURSELF ,RETURN TO YOUR SPIRITUAL ORIGIN BEFORE ITS TOO LATE.

Thank you for this. I actually have been taking steps to return to my level of spirituality and its really tough. I mean this has never happened to me before, I used to be a strong advocate of no sex before marriage only to fall for this! Its quite pathetic I just thank God for His mercies and grace to stand strong again. I feel I need to focus on myself that is why I asked for a break from my partner.

MRbrownJAY:

doing the right thing means you SHOULD have thought about this BEFORE doing something wrong. it was very easy to fix, but you chose the wrong path. what you wrote is as crazy as saying that murder is not wrong and possibly "ok", simply because a murderer regrets killing someone, highly laughable!!!

you need to come correct with your bf so he doesnt feel that he has done anything wrong. you may not have to tell him the gross deceitful act that you did, but at least he has to know that you are the ONLY one to be blamed here.

btw, you have already eaten and had your cake too the minute you cheated, thats what cheating is all about.

No use pointing out what I should or shouldn't have done seeing that it is a lil too late for that. Now, as regards coming clean, are you saying I don't have to tell him about my moment of weakness?

MRbrownJAY:

what made this man "ok" to cheat with and not the others? thinking the way you do, then i can safely say that (in your opinion) everything is right in this world, as soon as you do it (even though it makes no sense or aint RIGHT). the sad fact about your actions is that you didnt have to cheat, you could have broken up with your BF and then go be with that other guy, BUT you instead decided to do it WRONGLY by cheating, and now you have the audacity to come here and say that we shouldnt judge or say never. you are focusing on what you did, instead of asking yourself the important question, which is:"were your actions RIGHT or WRONG?" and "could you have done it RIGHT?"

cheating can only happen if people are thinking with their coochies and dikcs instead of using their brains.the reason you cheated is purely in your mind, as you could have done this RIGHT, but you were weak, selfish and definitely greedy at that moment and decided to cheat instead.

Hmmm, Yes I was weak and selfish. Stop assuming I think my actions were okay. I wonder why that seems to be the popular opinion. Did I somehow express that?

Okay, does doing the right thing mean that I have to let my boyfriend know what went down? I mean really, how will that help? I am not trying to eat and have any cake, just wondering how that is supposed to help.

Enegod: reasons why you cheated on your bf with a married man;
1.your bf couldn't satisfy you financially and you now turn to runz gal...you were attracted to his wealth or
2. your bf couldn't satisfy you sexually,maybe his tyn is like his last finger...and you startd looking for married men coz you were told they have experience..
op may God forgive you

Actually God already has! I just need to make sure to forgive myself and move on. As for the reasons you think the incident occurred, that's just silly.

MRbrownJAY: @OP
- do you think that what you did is "now" something RIGHT to do, simply because you made that mistake?
- are you saying that being attracted to another man is ALL what it takes to justify cheating on your partner?
- have you confessed to your partner that you cheated on him, the person that gave you trust etc?!
- how exactly do you intend to RIGHT the WRONG you did, and help future people that may be in your predicament?
- if you now believe that it is ok to cheat (for whatever flimsy reason) then the only reason you didnt do that before was NOT because you were a GOOD partner, but simply because you had not met the proper person to cheat on your partner with.

Actually, I have met a lot of men I find attractive but the thought of cheating never crossed my mind and if it ever did, I always applied reasoning. I can't begin to have a warped mindset because of a mistake, I can't accept that cheating is okay, but that it can open if one is not careful. I am trying to right this wrong by ending this truly. I haven't been able to confide in anyone that's why I came to this forum.

baibijay:



Are you still making excuses for yourself? Mehn thatz a silly, you are xo not sorry, I bet if you see some damn goodlooking guys tmrw he tell you he is some1's dearest hubby well, if you are single @ that time I see you will still jump into it

Your assumption is wrong.

@ Myndd: You seem so angry, why? you can actually make your point in a civil manner you know.

Now let me make this clear, there is no intention to justify any wrong here, I am not looking to keep the relationship, rather I want out hence my calling on all who have been in similar situation to share how they handled it.

WackyJ1:
Sometimes i don't understand you women. How old are you sef that you're acting like a freaking uni teenager? Dont you know what you want? Don't you love your boyfriend? How can you fall in love with a married man? Does your love have no reason?

Okay okay. It's too bad what you did but lets leave that. Look at your plan now, you want to give your boyfriend heart trouble by calling for a break with no good reason and then you plan to come back to your boyfriend when you're ready and keep the secret from him? Is it fair? We may not judge you for your mistake but i damn well will judge you from your current action, infact from what you're doing now, were you ever whom you claimed to be? Why don't you want to do the right thing

Very insightful points I must say. Actually, I know what I want, that is why I am not looking to pursue a meaningless relationship with the married dude! I am seriously working on doing the right thing hence my decision to cut of ties with him. But then it doesn't change the fact that I have feelings for him. Feelings are not switches that one can turn off at will. Also, is telling my boo about that immoral affair really the right thing to do?

WackyJ1:
Very very Sure.
I've seen girls i've been attracted to while i was with her but i never collected number or even called...
I never want to do something that would hurt the person i care about especially if i imagine myself being the one cheated on. I imagine the pain it would cause me and even though it is possible that she would never find out, i just remember how unfair it would be and how ironic it would be to do something to someone i cared for. Well this was what i believed till she left me for someone else and now you're coming to tell me this. Any hope for the female race ?

Yes there's hope. I get what you mean and your post really does give me something really wise to ponder on.

DigitalSignal:
Are you saying that what you believed in was wrong because you have cheated on your man and known the truth?

Of course not! That would be mighty silly of me. Actually, this situation has made me more open minded, realizing how careful I should be about taking things for granted. Before now, I didn't have issues relating with men, married or not because I thought certain boundaries can NEVER be crossed! But with this situation, I thread veeeeery carefully knowing temptations happen and the seemingly untouchable can fall carelessly.

ogugua88:

[size=13pt]Na, you truly don't understand. If you're cheating with a married man, then you don't understand. Put yourself in the man's wife shoes. If they have children, put yourself in their shoes as well. Then, consider the implications of all of them finding out.

I didn't misunderstand you. You said you cheated on your partner with a married man and took a break from your current boyfriend. I don't think it gets any more explicit than that. What is there to reevaluate? You don't love your boyfriend if you're hiding this from him and telling yourself you've fallen in love with another woman's husband.

If you have no intention of stealing someone else's husband, then cut your ties with him and face your own partner. I know what you or anyone else will say. "It's not that simple". Of course it's not that simple. Why? For one of two reasons. Either because you don't know what you want, or because you want the two of them simultaneously.

Make your choice. The options are actually crystal clear.[/size]

I really am excited reading your posts. Its a clear reflection of how much I have grown! Try to get out of yourself, I mean attempt not to respond from the basis of your values and principles, just be a bit open minded. I am telling you, that even as I type this I am in shock that this could happen to me, all because I thought so highly of myself and took things for granted and was caught unawares!

I have attempted to cut ties with him but still slip occasionally. You are currently in love I suppose, imagine he is the wrong person and you have to let go, how do you do that? That's why its not that simple.

WackyJ1: Except i purposely decide to cheat. I can never and will never.. Once i have said i won't cheat, i won't cheat, now assuming i am your boo have you given me reason to stick to my promise? Is what you did my reward for being faithful?

Are you sure about this?

baibijay: You know, you have a point in your 1st point, sometimes we do things we never believe we can do... So, I ll try not to Judge you.
But If you are trying to justify flaws then you are not ready to make amends.

As for you friend,
Tell her to stay away from married men, they are taken that is what make them different.

Don't misunderstand me. She said that to make me understand that the fact that they are married doesn't make them less appealing. They are just as easy to like as a single dude and the title married doesn't make them abnormal but just out of bounds.

I used to think I could NEVER be found in certain situations, this kind is even unthinkable! But the fact that it did has made me more careful about a lot of things.

Ogugua, thank you for the welcome. Honestly babe I understand why you seem so vexed and can relate with the passion your post exudes. Reason is I have been at the very place you are. I think you kinda misunderstood the content of my post, I did not leave my boyfriend for a married man, ( I fell in love not loose my mind). The reason I took a break was not to play the victim as you also wrongly assumed, but to re-evaluate things.

I have no intention of stealing any woman's man because I do not see myself having a meaningful relationship with a man who is already taken. Like I said, this thread is to assist all(myself included) who have been entangled in wring relationships to take the bold step of getting out by discussing meaningful ways to do that.

Get rid of the judgmental attitude!

A friend said married men are very normal people, it is just that they are married! She said this when I once questioned how a girl would have inappropriate relations with a man, knowing he is married. We often feel we gat it under control and certain things are beneath us but alas...

@ 190: Thank you for dropping a line.

Hello house,

I have been a consistent guest on this forum and decided to hop on to the next level by becoming a member.. yayy

Okay so, as regards the subject, let me start by giving a brief description of myself or the sort of person I used to be. I used to think of myself as really disciplined, principled and one who would never compromise her values or standards. Also, I used to be so quick to pass judgement. I never could understand why girls dated married men and deluded themselves into thinking they were in love! Not only did I find such circumstances disgustingly annoying but also judged the ladies as silly, stupid, gullible, irresponsible, thoughtless, selfish and cruel!

I also had zero tolerance for people who cheat on their partners. I saw them as discontented and highly undisciplined individuals.

However, I have had reason to change my perspectives as a result of some recent happenings in my life!

I cheated on my partner with a married man! I am totally shocked at myself! The crazy part of this is that I think I fell in love with this married man! My boo and I are tight and have been together for well over 4years and I always thought I could never be attracted to any other man. I have tried to put an end to this craziness because it just ain't worth it but its so hard.

The purpose of this thread is to:
1) Let you all who think so highly of yourself to be careful lest you fall. Never say never! Never think you are too disciplined or smart or principled to fall for certain temptations. Those who know me will never believe me if I tell them I fell for adultery (I can't even believe myself)

2)Seek counsel from people who have gone through this kind of stuff. You had an affair you knew you had to get out of but just couldn't, how did you deal with it.

What I have been doing lately is praying and deliberately not contacting this married dude. (I still find myself thinking about him)I also told my boo I needed a break!

Please let's discuss maturely as I believe there are so many people going through this kinda stuff but cant share with anyone because of the fear of condemnation and peoples hypocritical and self righteous attitude!