₦airaland Forum

THE REDEFINED COURTSHIP

A friend of mine once writes on our WhatsApp group, that "the pain of marrying the wrong person is worst than your present fear of not getting married ". But, just before I got drown by curiosity, I decides to read further. She continued; "marriage is not a competition. Therefore, we should take our time, fall in love, nurse our ambition, groom our relationship, and vehemently study our partner. Because, forever is too long to be unhappy". Unhappy? I got nosy. Does it mean that if one finds him or herself in the wrong marriage, he or she would forever remain unhappy? Instead of wandering in endless doubt, I decided to ask her some questions.
Since marriage is not a competition, and therefore, we should take our time, fall in love, nurse our ambition, groom our relationship, and vehemently study our partner, my question now, therefore is that, for how long should one go about this study, interview or observation of ones partner or spouse before concluding of either marrying the person or not? Secondly, during the courtship period which I termed the study, observation, interview, or investigation period as the case may be, can one get the needed information, the totality of your partner's behaviors, true characters, traits, flaws or weaknesses? Also, his or her strength as regard sexual, marital, social, and leadership capabilities, feelings, emotions relativism and mutual understanding etc ?
Even if you were able to get all this information in question, do you think, they can't be subjected even to life time investigation and scrutinization? Do you think feelings and emotions will not precede conviction and principles, still in the courtship period? Do you think pretence; eye service will not come into play most especially if one of the parties is desperate? Need you by all means, and tends to please you in everything. Maybe due to your social status, affluence, sage, physique, sex abilities, religion/family background etc? Additionally, do you think, love in and out of context will not be the most appropriate dance step? Or high definition of love, feelings and emotions will not be plague, devoid/absent after the courtship period or its equivalent?
Thirdly, having really studied your partner and on the long run, you have finally gotten all the things you needed to know about your spouse, what is the probability that when both of you have finally married, those things you think which were said are the best reasons, criteria for both of you to be together were not provided in a disguise manner or the information will not conflict during the marriage period? Which as time proceeds will probably progress to series of quarry, backbiting, unhappiness and therefore, devoice despite the fact that you were able to carry out a memorable courting of each other?
Come to think of a study carried out about someone's behavior five years ago, which it result was something to write home about as at the time of the study. But don't you think such information gotten about the person five years ago can't be relied upon today. Do you know that, as day brakes, mentalities, ideas, concept are in a constant and continues changing process? So does our taste, behaviors, attitudes, needs and desires, likes and dislikes etc.
We humans tends to change as time/year progresses, due to environmental/social factors, poor economy/political crisis, religion/cultural shift etc. And these are some of the things that affect marriage after the many years of memorable courtship. I am not saying that the idea of courtship isn't a nice one or as some worth, should be avoided because is not a determinant for a happy marriage, All I am saying is that, the idea of courtship which probably worked fine then in those days should be redefined or restructured.
Most happily married people in the world today at present, their courtship period, dating or whichever way we may call it, were not base on pre study of each others behavior or its equivalent, but it is base on pre strengthening and acceptance of each other's flaws, weaknesses or mistakes. It is high time we stop this our continues and unending search of the perfect person to get married to when we ourselves are not perfect and start looking for the imperfect person as the case may be to be made perfect through marriage. If you love the person enough, you should be able to accept the person's past, present and his or her future.
According to Thomas Moore, A relationship is an initiation, in a way. The point is not just to have things work out so that you’re happy. You have to deal with certain things, like differences. As you work things out, you actually become a more mature person which will eventually lead to a happy marriage. We are not held back by the love we didn’t receive in the past, but by the love, we’re not extending in the present, [Marianne Williamson]. Learn to accept people for who they are, where they are from, and what they do. No body is perfect. We are all striving every now and then to attain perfection. And if you are the type that is in constant search of the flawless, perfect man or woman to marry, which in turn will provide you with innumerable happiness, disappointment may be your middle name. In other words, if you can accept that which other people sees as imperfect and make it perfect through love, you have succeeded.