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Boredom is just a message sent to you by your subconscious mind to tell you that there are much more important things to do that what you are doing right now.

Boredom is a feeling. It’s actually you who feels bored based on internal and external factors. It causes us to blame others for our state.

What are the signs of boredom?

a) Lack of enjoyment
b) Everyday arguments
c) Monotonous routines
Before we discuss on how to solve it, let’s look for the causes:

Both parties being too busy
Self-centeredness
No communication
Repeating the same activities for years
Boredom says what I’m doing now isn’t fun. Do you know that as you gain more experience in life and as your knowledge base becomes wider it becomes harder to impress you.

That means sometimes we get bored as a result of growth. You know how a child gets bored with a toy he had two years back, we observe the old toys that excite him again. This means that when we get used to things that we like, we find them uninteresting later on or at least not interesting as they used to be.

Unlike the child’s example, a marriage can’t be replaced like a toy. If we can’t change a situation, then we are challenged to change the way we think about and respond to it.

Sometimes, boredom can result from repressed anger and resentment that hasn’t been acknowledged and expressed. You also need to check yourself for the reason for the boredom. In some cases, people who are bored are often bored with their own lives. Are there unfulfilled dreams that you haven’t tried to realize?

When this scenario plays out when we get bored we typically want to blame it on our spouse. The true reason is because our goals aren’t being actualized and we are doing things that don’t align with our life’s aspiration. Some can also be bored because they hold on to resentment and unforgiveness.

Our spouse isn’t the cause of our boredom and may not be the one to fix the problem. So ask yourself, what is causing your boredom? Are you bored because your life’s experience isn’t rich, Imagine someone stuck with childrearing only, there’s no varied experience, just doing one thing day in day out. Are you bored because you need new experiences?

Once you determine the type of boredom you have to make sure to fix the root cause instead of running after quick fixes. Know the cause first, and then find a solution. If it’s unresolved resentment, going to the movies won’t solve that. Sometimes some personality types may be more prone to get bored, especially the extroverts, sanguine and choleric experience boredom more than others.

The following are solutions to help with boredom:

Realize that relationships go through stages.
Every relationship has a natural ebb and flow. If you go through a phase of boredom in your relationship, it’s not a big deal.

Analyze yourself.
Sometimes the very things that originally attracted us to our partner, those wonderful qualities of predictability, stability, solidity, dependability or reliability they bring into our fragmented and tumultuous life with time becomes our greatest irritation. When this occurs those good qualities won’t move you anymore.

Focus on loving your spouse.
Irrespective of how you feel, focus on loving your spouse, the boredom will eventually go away.

Developing activities and interests outside the marriage.
Sometimes you may need to develop other interest and activities. You need to be able to have “me” time. Get something to do to have fun, if it means watching a movie or having a good laugh.

Take advantage of spontaneous opportunities to have fun together.
Sometimes you might invest so much energy into arguing and keeping malice that you are left drained and have no time or energy left for fun

Plan new adventures together on a regular basis.
While being spontaneous is helpful when possible, you also need to intentionally plan exciting new ways to be together into your schedules to ensure that you don’t have too much time in between adventures. Examples can include bicycle riding together, exercising, baking etc.

Spice up your sex life.
Sex is such a fundamentally important part of marriage that if the sexual connection between you and your spouse isn’t satisfying, it will affect every other part of your relationship.

Seek to learn and discuss something new every day.
Be lifelong learners and make a habit of sharing what you learn to each other.

Put effort into revival
While boredom is a natural part of marriage, you can also work toward making your relationship a bit more exciting. There are seasons of monotony, but there should also be seasons of adventure, awakening love, and rediscovering each other.

Work towards goals that are greater than yourself.
Think about your marriage with eternity in mind, imagining the type of legacy you hope to leave with your spouse.

I will conclude by saying boredom should never be an excuse for you to cheat on your spouse. I would love to hear your comments and questions.

It is great to be able to enjoy good relationships.
We have to be willing to give and not just be there for what we can get. We shouldn't be in a parasitic relationship.
A good relationship is symbiotic. We give benefit to one another.

It is essential that we learn good relationship practice. There are people who can never have successful relationships because they have no regard for relationship ethics.

They move from one relationship to another with the erroneous believe that the fault lies with the people they were involved with. Without learning relationship skills, showing respect to people, not being selfish etc there will be no hope of a successful marital relationship for them.

* Think of the other person first.

You can’t afford to be self centered. Whatever you want to do or say, think about how it will affect your partner. When we both put each other first, looking out for the good of each other rather than focusing on our own good, then we stand a very good chance of succeeding in the relationship.

* Always say ‘thank you’.

Don’t forget these magic words. Never take your partner for granted. Say thank you to show appreciation. Don’t say ‘he is doing is responsibility ‘ or ‘she is performing her wifely’ duties. Saying thank you will motivate your partner to do more. Your child, everyone deserve to be thanked after they render a help or a service.

* it is also important to say “excuse me”, “you are welcome” “please” “hello” “goodbye” etc

Let us be courteous and civil with each other. Your partner deserve to be respected. It doesn’t matter his age, her educational status, his financial capabilities, her level of intelligence or his spiritual disposition. Everyone deserve respect. Your children also! You particularly wants to see your children modelling these qualities. They will naturally pick these good habits from you by observation.

* Don’t be arrogant or loud

It is wrong to talk down on anyone, irrespective of their life situation. In your relationship, you can’t afford to be a bully. Your partner shouldn’t be walking on egg shells. Don’t give your personality as an excuse to be proud and obnoxious. If you can’t control your temper, then you need to get help.

* listen before speaking

Whenever we say there is communication problem, we actually mean there is a listening problem. The ability to listen and respond appropriately is a very vital part of communication. Learn to listen more than you talk. It is jokingly said that you have one mouth and two ears meaning that you listen twice as much as you talk!

* give compliments

This is so important in helping to validate your partner and strengthen their esteem. There will always be something to appreciate about your partner. The fact is that doing this may come more easily to some people than to others. But we can all learn how to. Give compliment on anything eg effort, looks, achievements, progress etc

* do not embarrass your partner in public or private

This will reduce the person’s self worth and erode confidence. Mind Your words, mind what you joke about. You can’t be caching your fun at your partner’s expense. Don’t crack jokes with anything your partner is very sensitive about. No body – shaming. We are to help build each other up, emotionally and otherwise.

* avoid criticising and complaining about your spouse to others

You can’t be berating your partner before anyone that cares to listen and expect the best from him/her. If you have anything against your spouse, tell him about it in private. That doesnt mean that you can not involve a qualified  third party in your affairs when neccesary or not speaking out in case of abuse. What is wrong is for you to keep tearing down your spouse. Never show contempt for your spouse. Marriage has zero tolerance for contempt.

Respect your spouse’s time and be punctual. If you are going to be late, always call to let them know. This shows that you value and respect them.

* never make a promise you do not plan to keep.

That is very deceptive. Let your yes be yes and your no be no. Sincerity is a virtue. Be real, be authentic. Deception is a relationship killer. Be true to yourself and to your spouse.

* show genuine interest in your partner.

Make effort to cultivate lasting friendship. Create memories together. Be in his/her world. Don’t be a lone ranger. Allow him/her into your space. This will help create a strong bond.

Most of the listed things are what one should have learnt as a child. But if you missed out on them, it is never too late to pick up a good habit. Be humble enough to admit that you need to work on yourself. Identify what is deficient, gather relevant resources on them. Learn, practice, be consistent and you will soon be on your way to becoming a better person whom people will love to relate with.

If you are married and you have been a source of pain to your partner, please for the sake of the love you share, endeavour to change for the better.

Are you struggling with any character or behavioural weakness, we are here to help. Reach out to us today….

Contact Us www.marriagematters.com.ng/contact/

How much you need to earn before marriage depends on several factors eg where you live, the standard you hope to maintain, distance of your house to office, how soon do you want to starting having children, do you have a car etc
Since there are so many variables, it will be difficult to give you a figure. Nevertheless, this is a scientific approach to it.
Write down your current monthly expenditures, adjust for rent and other things which may change after marriage.your partner too should do same. Both of you should harmonise your expenditures. This will give you a rough estimate of what you will need per month. Compare this with what both of you currently earn, it will show you where you are financially.
Will you need to reduce your standard? Will you need to get a cheaper accommodation? You are in a better position to know if your current earnings can sustain a new family or not.

Very insightful.

You can also get marriage tips from https://marriagematters.com.ng/blog/

Marriage matters international offer counselling to couples who have issues with team work. Without team work, relationships struggle.

https://marriagematters.com.ng/what-do-men-really-want-in-a-relationship/

Marriagematters.com.ng have premarital ounselling program for intending couples. This can be taken via Skype of face to face.
There is also an online course which can be taken at your pace.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PyzdgO8sg1Q

Hello everyone, Bose fawehinmi is a marriage counsellor with over 13 years experience. Check www.marriagematters.com.ng or call 08034881370

Understanding the different stages of your marriage

Life is in phases and men are in sizes!

What happens when the marital relationship begins dwindling? Anxiety develops- anxiety that may destroy the couple's basic outlook on relationships.

However before aiming to save a relationship going downhill, we need to understand the 4 stages that every marital relationship goes through. These are: Romance or Honeymoon stage; Reality stage; Accommodation phase; and the Success Stage.

1. The honeymoon phase: Newlyweds are still caught up in the excitement and love of their relationship. At this moment, sexual attraction is at its strongest, partners neglect differences and may see each other through perfect lenses. During this stage, couples believe that the marriage will go efficiently and will work itself out naturally and that their love will last forever.

2. Reality stage:This is when the couple start discovering more about themselves and each other in various circumstances they haven't gone through as a couple before. Frequently, couples see that there are more things they disagree about as compared to when they were still dating. The love and emotions that blinded them eventually clears and they are back to reality. Life begins to happen!

This phase is the most difficult part of the relationship, and puts the marital relationship at greater risks of affairs and divorces. The reality stage produces particular feelings of frustration, seclusion and a let-down. Couples start developing negative emotions about the marriage and typically misinterpret this as incompatibility and may start believing that they've picked the wrong partner.

Likewise, throughout this stage, sex feels more of a routine as the enjoyment disappears. Some couples equate this to losing the so-called "trigger" of the relationship. Couple who have actually not anticipated this phase of the marital relationship begin feeling alienated and start drifting apart at this point in the relationship.

3. Accommodation phase. This is when couples accept their differences and use it to strengthen their bond. They have mastered the art of conflict resolution, proper communication and better understanding of each other. At this stage, they have settled down into the marriage and they have a higher chance of staying together forever.

4. Success phase: Here, the couple gets to take pleasure in the advantages of the marriage, they support each other, They have achieved the 'one-flesh' status. They may have occasional disagreements but they are comfortable and contented with the relationship.

It is worthy of note that no matter the phase your marriage is, things can improve or deteriorate depending on how much attention you give to it. Don't become complacent if your marriage is working and don't despair or give up if things are not working. There is always room for improvement.

Throughout marital relationship, counsellors, physicians or trained experts help the couple comprehend each other's differences and help them work through it.

Love may be the reason couples come together, however it isn't the only thing that binds them together till the end. It is important for potential couples to understand these normal stages of marriage development before tying the knot to be prepared for whatever may occur during the marriage.

Please note that the time/ number of years each couple will spend at each stage will differ. But effort must be made to overcome whatever challenges you may face and seek help whenever neccesary.

We are here to help!

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