Oh wow   I can't really reply you all individually. I'm surprised this issue has got so much interest by so many people, gives me hope world isn't just that bad place after all

I have very little time for this today but I'll get back to this as soon as I get some other things finished.

Some of you propably haven't realized that I'm not a Nigerian, therefore I haven't been raised as a Nigerian woman which leads us to the fact that I've never learnt to accept cheating, it's not proper and accepted in our society. Yes, many still do it but it isn't accepted in general which means we as women don't just have to swallow it because that's something men are supposed to do. Well, they aren't supposed to, seriously. It's 2008, even in Nigeria it shouldn't be accepted by women anymore though you've seen your father doing that to your mother.

To those who think everybody cheats -well I don't, I never have and I never will. I don't accept gifts from other men, I don't spend time with other men, I don't benefit from other men. I didn't have any secrets from my husband, I never lied to him. And he knows all that. Maybe I'm not exciting enough then, who knows, but the problem isn't actually me. Sex wasn't exciting enough? Well, that you better ask from the hubby who's in a way very conservative and in many ways very complicated character. As I told before, I never refused him.

Talk with him? How? When his way is to shut his mouth and ears and walk out when things get too complicated. That's something he's learnt from his own parents.

I'm not angry just because of one fling. He's been neglecting us, his family, for about 2 years now. There're 2 other women involved, the other one has been my hubby's fuckbuddy for over 1,5 years now, I've just recently found it out. The other one for about a year. If that other one is his bride or wife to be, I can't understand why she doesn't look for somebody better for herself. I mean a man who's married to one and has an active sexlife with her as well as with that side affair. I mean what kind of a woman wants to have anything to do with a guy like that Or is it that she's been told there's no marriage and she has no idea there isn't just me but an other african female involved as well? Beats me.

But anyway, they both can bloody well have him I'm not interested anymore.

PurestBoy:

@poster,

Leaving your husband is not the solution as you may jump from frying pan to fire if care is not taken but I suggest you seek your Pastor's help to counsel your randy husband.

I did call his pastor. No help coming from there either. Well, what can be expected as SHE's a member of that same church too?

tomba:

My own belief is that, a man who dosen't play the part of being the normal, godly husband should be negleted. Don't leave him, because of ur kid, but treat him as if he dosen't exist. Go on with ur life.

But he is negleting his son. Should I expose the young innocent child on such behaviour?

shegirl71:

No you are not being too harsh,I suggest you move on.and leave his soory ass.

That's the plan

nomanicole:

@poster
you wont die if you stay without him,please.

No, but I might die with him, emotionally I mean

bigmodo
Hi,
Bear in mind that all men are not the same. I am single and searching, if you know what i mean. I ain't a cheater, so if you are interested say Hope to hear from you.

That's what my hubby said too when we met. Good luck to you -with someone else.


ehie007
@ poster, are you a white european, am sorry to say, but ur nigerian husband or fex huband never loved in the first place, he just used you to settle in europe, these are the brothers giving Nigeria a bad name, but have this as a word of hope, "what goes arond definitely comes around" his mite be worse when the table turns, just take heart, you have been a victim to this bad experience, your not the first and definietly wont be the last to have ths heart break, advice ur fellow european sistas to be weary of nigerian or african men, who come over there for asylum sake, am sorry once more and using this mmedium to apologos on behalf on Nigerians, take heart and May the good Lord find you another Man, ur perfect man, if ur story is true sha

Yes, I am a white European and what you wrote that's what I'm afraid of too
During these past weeks now I've noticed my inlaws and my hubby's brother don't behave the same way as before. They try to avoid me, don't answer any questions and infact talk to me in a quite rude manner. So I guess they all have been keeping things away from me and now, as everything hidden is out open, they are annoyed about the situation. As I don't think any of them is ashamed but they are disappointed I've found out what's been going on. After I've read some of these replies you nice people have written here I've realized that to be a proper, decent and good nigerian wife I should just swallow this all and continue my life as it's my duty. Well, I'm sorry, I can't take infidelity. As a good christian my hubby claims to be he then shouldn't cheat on his wife, don't you think?

I was warned before I got married, I was warned even after we got married. And if Dan, who used to stay in Denmark ever reads this: sorry I didn't believe when you told me he has his all-time-sweetheart waiting for him there in his hometown,

I have warned other women so many times not to marry too fast -and then I make that mistake myself. But as it's told here that all these African men, especially Nigerian ones, only marry us for papers, I guess I wanted to show to everybody that not all of them. Oh well, test failed


enitan2002
What the hell has to with the innocent child in this case, there're so many children who grew up without the love of their father, and they made it successful, e.g Ben Carson (famous neuro-surgeon) lacks fatherly care, you can see what he's made up of.
IOt is better for a child to grow up without a father, than growing up when a useless one is around.

Yes, I do agree with you. I don't think my child would ever miss a father who he doesn't know at all.

enitan2002
Prayer don't change those that are not ready to change, and the funniest part is that people of such kind are very religious, they beleive that by going to church regularly all their atrocities will be forgiven of the previous week, and they go into it the following week. So the next sundey they go for cleansing, the act just keep up going all that way round.

As awful as it may sound but that's how many people do. It's terrible to realize that your own loved one is acting the same way


dontexe
It is the neglect of timely repair that makes re-building necessary. Come to think of it, even if you guys were able to sort things out, do u think u can ever trust him again ? Nope. Unless u want to deceive yourself. A leopard can never change its spot. If at that age of his, with a kid at home, doesn't have time for his family, that's high level irresponsibility on his part. Don't be blinded by love, or care neither subject yourself to humiliation just because u r trying to save ur marriage. I doubt if he's ready to change. He's not even guilty of his actions. He'll end up dumping you and your kid and find his way back to his wife here in Nigeria. I won't be surprised to find out if another man is servicing is wife here in Nigeria. because karma exists.

There's no way u wouldn't have noticed sths about him before u got married, it necessarily does not have to be about the opposite sex alone. Probably u overlooked a lot of things. U put yourself in ur present situation, by getting married to him the first place, even though u think he was different then. Maybe he was even pretending all those time, he's now showing you his true colour. You've talked about this a couple of times, and he's still not ready to change. Do you think he'll change, when he has other ladies out to satisfy him. There's no point crying over split milk.

I've nothing to add, you've said it all. And I have only myself to blame, there were some signs. But he's a damned good actor too.


@ nomanicole
Sorry if I confuse you (or anybody else) with my name. It's my nick, not my real name.

do you know if he had someone in nigeria before you met?someone he's in love with?

He had. He told they couldn't marry as her parents didn't allow and that she married someone else and moved to USA. He has a daughter with that woman. And yes, I actually suspect she's the one who he's called his sister and aunt and who's pictures I found.

And no, I didn't tie him with a baby. We both were very much willing while making him I told you he changed, just suddenly.

And to those who suspected he had to go elsewhere as his bed was too cold at home: I'm a woman who never suffers from 'headaches'. Infact now as I think back, it's been him who started to be toooooooo tired quite often around that time when that little slut came along -no wonder one could say now. On those times I just thought it was his work tiring him and didn't push him.

I've now waited for 2 years for him to get his act back together again. He's been treating me badly for a long time and now I understand where it all came from. He's never been committed to our marriage, he's never respected me. And to find out in the end that there's even been other women involved, it really frustrates me and makes me to realize that he's only been using me for his own purposes. All that hurts because I truly loved him, I still do. But I don't see any future for us together. I can't make it to happen on my own even if I wanted to.

@ bigboyslim
The only problem why I can't be absolutely sure about this all is that his paperwork isn't totally finalized yet. To finalize it he needs at least his son and quite franckly I don't know how he's gonna fix the situation. Yet it's not my problem either, not anymore.

@ tick
we weren't all THAT fast


am not the religious type by the way am just a moralist.
Me too

but still
@ question
thank you

@ sistawoman
Financially we'll be fine with my boy.
I've talked to my family and friends and got a lot of support. I've also talked to his family, they've left us in silence.

And to all of you I didn't mention, thank you all. I've laughed, I've cried when I've read what you all have written. And it was a big surprise to see how many wanted to take part in this issue. You all have helped me to see things from many different angles. Thank you

Thanks walttt and others concerned about the same issue:

I have no intention whatsoever to look or to find another man in to my life! The only man in my life for the years to come will be my little boy who I need to care for just by myself for now on. I loved my husband, I guess I still do and even if I didn't it just isn't possible for me to jump to a next relationship like my hubby has done. For me it was a marriage for the lifetime, it takes a long time to recover.

mbulela:

sometimes i wonder how people can jump to such conclusions.the lady just gave you a side of a story, without hearing the other side of it, most people here are saying that he does not deserve her. how do you know?what do you know about the woman herself?
do you not know that there are two sides to every story?

Ofcourse there are. I understand my story is hard to believe.
The fact is that my hubby came to Europe in 2004 as an asylumseeker. We met quite soon after that though we didn't even stay in a same country. We got married in 2005 to avoid him being deported back to Nigeria.

Everything was fine between us until late 2006 when he started to go to parties, drink often and neglect his responsibilities. I stayed at home. I've always trusted him, even when we were in different countries. I've never stopped him from doing things he needs to do, never stopped him from seeing people etc. I was never that 'typical european woman' guys so often talk about. We had a good thing going on (or that's what i thought), until he changed (or stopped acting?). I've many times tried to talk things through with him, wanted to know if there's anything I could do to make things better. He's been just annoyed and demonstrated like a little child and I never understood why he was like that.

What's hurting me most is that he's never really spent time with our son. The boy doesn't know his father at all. I've told him to spend time with his son, to talk to the child so that they'd have a language to use between them. I've told him that especially here in this country the boy needs him when he grows up. I've tried so many ways but he's been busy, got annoyed and then just disappeared.

To tell you the truth, I don't have strenght for all this anymore. It's been a long struckle and one can't fix the problems alone if the other one refuses to do anything on his behalf.

And remember, there're 2 other women (I know of) involved in all this. One here where we live and another one in Nigeria. If it was only one I'd still fight hard for our family, but I can't beat two.

I wrote here to get some more ideas what to do, to understand him and our situation better. I can't say I'm any wiser at the moment. Thank you all for reading.

delegiwa:

My question then is, does he wear protection during all these banging?  I don't condone "banging" outside marriage but it will be worse if you get "nyamanyama" from the guy too.

My advice to you:  You know what to do girl.

I'll see a doctor tomorrow -as something is not right. I hope it's nothing serious.
He claims he's used condoms, but he's a man who doesn't like those at all so I can't be sure he's telling the truth on that one either.

ogb5:

We have heard your part of the story, we have not heard his own.

Did you actually see him banging the other babe? how did you catch him cheating.

Some woman can read alot of meaning into things that are not there, hope you are not making a mistake.

Thanks for your concern
No, I haven't seen anything actually happening (thank god!), except the quilt on the man's face and his own words admitting what's happened. And the fact that he's only sorry for getting caught not for cheating his wife.

The only mistake I've made was to marry him in a first place. But that was the only way to stay together.

alumnnamdi:

put the guy for prayers
GOD can change him if he wants to

Do you think it'd really help? He's a christian, goes to church every sunday, prays every morning/evening, reads his bible. And met that Liberian 'lady' on Sunday Service. I believe no prayers do any good on a cheat like that again. What do you think?

Two days before our son was born my hubby sent this to his sweetheart:


"hi baby,
read this, its for u
You've become a special friend to me
and I want to be that special friend for you,

The one who is there to comfort and care for you.
The one who understands, the one who listens.

Lately, I find myself thinking about you more and more.
I find myself wondering what it would be like, if we
were more than friends.

The more I get to know you,
the more I want to know about you.

The more I see you,
the more I want to see you

The more I think of you,
the more I love you.

But someday I hope that we can
be lovers as well as friends.
from me, "



And I always thought he was stressed and tired because of his work and therefore in the bad mood 24/7. So little I knew 

Mind you, until two weeks ago, I always thought I'm the one and only he calls baby.

Will this pain ever go away? How can I ever trust a man again?

My little boy playing in the snow
It's still so amazing to him -as just over one night his old world turned all white

He would most certainly deserve it under these circumstances he's put us in to.
But naaaaaaaah, I wouldn't bother myself or even dirty my hands with him anymore

Thank you all for your replies 

I think mohawkchic said it all: reassurance.
That's the thing I was looking for and actually have already found. I've had long sleepless nights thinking and thinking again but I have finally come up with my decision: it's over now, I'm free, I'm relieved 

mohawkchic:

~I think what you need is Reassurance you're doing the right thing,not Advice!!Most times if not always, The answer lies within you!! Only You can make You happy! Good Luck making that Decision!

DON'T!
Don't marry him.
Don't have a child with him.
Let him find someone who's really right for him.

Yes, I know what I wrote sounds very strict and that's how I meant it to sound.

First of all: you make the skin colour too big of an issue. When you're sure, colours don't matter. At the moment I feel it's just something exotic to you to have a Nigerian boyfriend but you're still embarrassed to show all the world he's the only one for you. When you really love, when you're really absolutely sure, you don't see his colour anymore. Then it won't be a problem either and you won't disturb yourself with your friends' immature opinions.

Secondly: if and when you'll have a baby you must be extra mature when your child is "different" from the majority. If then you yourself are embarrassed because of your child's looks, it'll harm him and his growth, his self-esteem and his idea of himself badly. You as a mother should be his support and protection against the prejudices coming from your environment.

Thirdly: If you love somebody, you won't hesitate in making sacrifices. And one thing you have to realize fully: as a white Australian you can basicly settle anywhere in the western world and always be able to fit in, find a job, a place to live etc. very easily. But being a Nigerian gives you problems in all thinkable areas in life if you decide to settle in Europe for example. Therefore, if the guy has built his life already in London his sacrifice to settle somewhere else with you would be much bigger and harder what you'd be facing if you two start your life together in UK.

And last but perhaps not least: I think you're still too young mentally to settle in with anybody anywhere. You let the opinions of your friends affect too much. You and your guy are on a different level: he's ready to settle, get married, have children. You're not.

I wish you both all the best,  separately 

He's been up to it for about 2 years.  Now I've finally decided to set myself free

But I'm asking you all: is it more common to a Nigerian man to cheat on his wife when the wife isn't Nigerian herself? Or do the cheating type of men do the same to Nigerian wives too?

My hubby's been banging a young 'lady' for quite some time now. She's not a Nigerian but from an other African country. She has other men too and is receiving money from many of them, including my man. I won't bore you with more details about that one.

He's also involved with a Nigerian woman, who he first claimed, is his sister, but recently he's been calling her his aunt  But plz all of you, tell me what kind of an aunt writes this to her nephew:
baby here are the pictures i took with our parents.
takia
miss u
love u,

So tell me, am I unreasonable and too hard when I've decided I never want to have anything to do with him again? We were a couple for 4 years and we have a little boy but he never has any time for the little one either. Too busy with his 'business' and all those lovely 'ladies'.

Can you plz advise me.