₦airaland Forum

Hi Guys,

I have a friend that calls me "Oya". I am just wondering what it means.

Thank you!

Haha I am, MzNelly. It gets me into trouble all the time. I could never treat someone the way that I would not want to be treated. I couldn't be spiteful. You know when you get so angry and mad at something and you say to your.self.... I am gonna make them pay for that one! Yeah, we all know that is never gonna happen. Lol! My Mum always laughs and makes fun by saying.. Go on tough lady! I dare you! Haha!

I really like your response, MzNelly. That actually may work. Thank you very much! In a way that is what I have been doing, but then when something exciting happens like my daughter learned to crawl, I wanted to go and show him. I think he needs to feel like he is missing out in a way. He cannot appreciate what is at home if he is still involved, technically.
Don't take this literally, MzNelly, but I am just LOVING you right now.
I have kept on with my own life, but it just felt so mean, to exclude him entirely.
Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, in a way.

Of course I studied him. I am not that stupid, I would not marry someone who I did not know well. But people change. Circumstances change. I do not care for control at all. I am happy for my husband to lead. As they say, the husband is the head and the wife is the neck and I am happy to be that. Lol I do not need to be worshiped either. I am not a God. A little respect and appreciation would go a long way though. I cannot explain how I felt about my husband entirely, but to make a long story short, the respect and pride you have for your parents, especially your father, is somewhat in a way the way I feel about my husband, without putting him on a pedestal. There was a time when things were different, wonderful in fact. Rarely any issue, but like I said, things change.

Thanks Henribj. Maybe you are right.

MsNelly I did know. I was extremely fascinated and interested in the Nigerian cultures, any African culture in fact. It is just that we have both been trying to fit into each other's worlds maybe and somehow got lost in the middle. Knowing another culture and living it are two very different things. I have not been to Nigeria to see any of it myself. We have many African friends including Nigerians, who are mostly Yoruba's and they have explained things along the way, but the trouble is that what one says is so often opposite what someone else has said. It is like they all have a different view in some ways.

@henribj

Thank you for the advice. I will try and think a bit more about what is going on.

@henribj We are 32 and yes I am white and from Melbourne, Australia.
I know that the second people see white girl, they will have a stereotypical view about the way I am or the way I think. But not everyone fits that stereotypical mold. Just wanted to put that in there.

Hi,

I am a westerner married to a yoruba man. We have been married for almost 2 years and am trying to understand what the expectations of a wife are. I have been on google for hours but I am not getting any clear answers. And a lot of the traits they say are a "typical yoruba man" do not apply to my husband at all. I am so confused! If I could just get a clear rundown, that would be really helpful. We are on the border of ending the marriage and I do not know what else I am doing wrong (since he is never wrong). I am the submissive one, he makes all of the final decisions, I do all the cooking and run the house, raise the children and work when I can.

How do I get a little respect without disrespecting my husband. I have read so many articles and threads saying how Yoruba men treat their wives like Queens but that is not the case for me. He does not buy gifts (which I am actually fine with, because I would rather be shown love, consideration, respect, compassion etc over a gift) unless it is a special occasion (Birthday/Christmas), there is no such thing as intimacy and I hear Yoruba men have high needs, he does not consider my feelings much at all, and it seems that the more space and time I give him, the more he wants (like the saying - you give them an inch and they take a mile). We have separated in hope that we can work things out and come together again, but why is it that the man gets to run away and have his freedom, but I have to be home with the children and continue being the responsible parent/wife? I feel as if I have taken the opportunity of separation to soul search and grow in order to move on, but he is not. It actually just feels as if he wants to be away to enjoy his freedom and not work things out at all. He lacks communication and honesty and is not all that interested in sharing his life with me. What can I do to make him happy, in order for me to happy. At this point in time, I am holding on with love and that is about all that is keeping me motivated. When posting, I beg, please be considerate, I am feeling as low as you can get. In a nutshell, I just want to know the rules that come with being married to a very proud yoruba man. Thank you.

@MrsChima It is so difficult to love someone with everything that you have and put up with the lies and deceit. Sometimes we would do anything for love. I am sorry to hear about your friend. I am sure she will find happiness again. I agree with you about those instincts. It has got me this far, and they are hardly ever wrong. Thank you very much for sharing your friends story and your advice. I appreciate it.

@MrsChima Sorry, I was not very clear. I have two boys from a previous relationship. My husband and I have just the one. I am just so used to everything being "we" or "us". Our baby is 6 months old. I have no words to explain what I feel for her at the moment.

Hello! It is him. It is not a "Nigerian" thing to ignore wife for friends. I would think he doesn't respect you and if he is willing to allow you guys to separate over foolishness ....friends isn't as important as spouses. My husband is first...my kids are second....family is third..and friends are last.

He may not love you the way you love him. Sorry.

That is exactly how I see it, @MrsChima. And I starting to think you are right, that he does not love me the way that I love him. That is sad, but Oh well, at least and the end of the day I can be at peace because my intentions were good and my heart was pure. Thank you for your post.

@micktoxin That is exactly what I needed. Thank you very much for your thoughts and advice. I see it the same way as you.

@micktoxin Lol thanks!

@lolaluv1 Thank you for sharing that story with me. It was nice to hear.

Telling his parents our problems wont make matters worse? I have never brought his family into our issues.

The friend was a male friend. Thank you for your advice. How would I approach his parents with this exactly though?

Forgive me for not explaining properly. I was trying to get answers without giving too much personal information away. I have realised that I have made it sound as if he has to choose between me or his friends. This is not the case at all. Long story short, a situation arose where I knew something deceitful was going on, I could feel it. Usually that meant he was cheating, but I was not sure this was the case. His different behaviour was an alarm but I thought I would be patient and wait for everything to unfold on its own. When I learned that there had been something going on around me, and he had a chance to prove himself trustworthy (as he has not been in the past) he chose to be loyal to his friend instead of honest and loyal to me when this was the biggest thing destroying our marriage. Lies and deception, and he knew how important it was for me to be able to trust him in order to save the marriage. I am still not explaining myself properly but I am trying. Forgive me. That is about the best I can do for now. Bare with me.

Thank you for your advice Kaybiel2u. I will take your advice on board. Much appreciated.

Any views or advice really helps. Thanks again.

I completely understand what you guys are saying about the importance of your friends, and to an extent I agree that they are a very important part of our lives but if you have been in marriage counselling (which was helping) trying everything to make your marriage work and I am trying everything I can to make him happy (I always put him first), after all of my efforts, it feels all for nothing, because his friends will always come first. We are 32 with a beautiful family. He works and studies at university and I do everything that I can to support him. It seems as though no matter how much I put into the marriage, it is never going to be enough. He makes me feel very unimportant. I am the one that collects his drunk ass in the middle of the night when he has had too much to drink or picks him up and drops him off anywhere he needs to go because he car has died, even though we have 3 children to look after, he always comes first. His friends are not the ones who look out for him the way that a wife does. It is me. Why does loyalty to me not count?

I have another question as well. Would a proud man share photos etc of his wife and children on any social media site he is on? My husband looks like a single man on his. He has not shared one photo of anyone other than himself. I have a friend here who is also married to a lovely Nigerian man. You can see in an instant how proud he is to be married to his wife and he shows what a proud father he is. On my friends husbands Facebook account, there is nothing but photos of his family, wife and son. He treats her like a queen. It is really beautiful!

Wow, these responses are not what I expected. Thank you everybody! I really love that quote. Again, thank you everybody. Now here is the hard question. Does anyone have any advice for me? I cannot find words to explain how much it hurts that a man would choose his friend over his family (we have children together). To me, marriage and family is a package deal. This friend wont be around in the next 10 years, I guarantee it!

Your wife is a lucky lady. I would do anything to have that from my husband. Thank you very much for your post jascon1. So you are saying that it is not a Nigerian trait, it is a personal one? Also, I just realised that I am generalising. I know that there are many tribes in Nigeria, most of his friends are Yoruba and so is he. Not that it makes much difference, I don't think. Or does it? Does each tribe have different views on marriage and their wives?

Hello. Firstly, I would like to preface this message by saying that I am not a Nigerian, I am from a Western country but am married to a Nigerian. Sometimes things can be taken out of context so I would like to say with absolute sincerity that I mean zero disrespect to anyone. I am just writing to gather extra thoughts and comments on my situation. My husband and I have not been married long, 2 years. We separated recently after an argument which involved him saying that his loyalty to his naija buddies was more important to him than his loyalty to me. This really breaks my heart, as I chose him for life, I put him first in every way, and he does not feel the same for me. And to make it worse, this friend is not a very close friend. He only calls when he is need of help. My question to you all is.. can this ever change and is it a Nigerian trait for a man to have more respect and loyalty to his friends or is this an individual choice? He is the love of my life and I do not wish to divorce, but I do not think it is too much to ask for a man to respect his wife and marriage.