₦airaland Forum

Dear Bunmi,

My current man is 67 and we get on well together. Im in my early 50s. His fault is that hes constantly eyeing young girls when hes with me. When I asked him why he looks at 16-year-old girls, he replied: They are well developed these days. Why does he behave like this at his age? Ive told him a few times that I find his behaviour annoying. I look after myself, have a nice figure and a good disposition. Isnt that enough Were compatible otherwise, but his lecherous way really spoils things.

Risikat,

by e-mail.

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Dear Risikat,

Like most men, your boyfriend tends to behave in ways that suit his self-image. Most men, just like their female counterparts, like to think of themselves as attractive to the opposite sex. Now that your mans sexual attractiveness is declining, he increasingly seeksfulfilmentin fantasy maybe he used to see himself as a stud who had sex with young, fertile women! Now that has become impossible, he chases dreamsin which his continued sexual success as a man is guaranteed. His behaviour might be shocking to you, but your best bet is to ignore him. Stop competing with the young girls he seems to be panting over and be yourself. For now, the only woman he wants and can have is you. So humour him or ogle younger men to give him a good run for his money!

Bunmi


ask@dearbunmi.com
http://dearbunmi.com/67-yrs-old-man-eyeing-younger-girls/

Dear Bunmi,

My husband and I have been married for 19 years and have three children. We,ve lived in this friendly neighbourhood throughout our married life and my husband is an extrovert. He goes out in the evening with friends and he sits in their homes drinking beer and this is how our problem started. There is this single woman, who moved into her house a few years ago with her two kids. Recently, my husband has been constantly visiting her house, not just with other neighbours, but alone with her. love Some of our neighbours warned me about the implication of these visits and I got angry. I asked my husband what was going on. At first he denied but later admitted that they had feelings for each other, but had not slept together. I warned him if he didn’t stop visiting her, I would leave. He promised to stop, but he still visits her under the guise of visiting our neighbours. I feel hurt and jealous, I keep thinking hell renew the affair and I don’t think I can handle him being in the same room with her. He can talk to her in the street, but not at her home.

Samanta,

by e-mail

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Dear Samanta,

The process of forgiving infidelity and rebuilding trust begins with your understanding of exactly what took place between your husband and this woman and why. As painful as the subject is, you need to ask him why he had made such a careless decision to flirt with a neighbour, how she responded and how far it went. And if what he told you is really the truth, why didnt they have sex when they had the opportunity? Openness and the ability to discuss even the most painful subjects is the basis of a couples belief in one anothers loyalty and affection. If after your talk hes really contrite and willing to change you might no longer care where and when he sees this other woman. With time, shell again be just one of the neighbours.

Bunmi

ask@dearbunmi.com
http://dearbunmi.com/hubby-finds-hard-call-quits-neighbour/

Dear Bunmi,

When I first met my current boyfriend, I knew he was untrustworthy. We met at a party he attended with his girlfriend and he hit on me. When I went to the toilet, he followed and virtually arm-twisted me into having a quickie with him. We then started seeing each other on and off. He is a charming rogue and sex with him is addictive.

At first, it was a bit of fun. After close to a year, I still feel fantastic when were together, but I am unsure about us when were apart. I know the affair is becoming unhealthy for me but I cant bear to end it. And because Im always at his beck and call, I know he never will. Help!

Anjola, By e-mail.

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Dear Anjola,

You are at the mercy of the age old conflict of head and heart. Your head must be winning for you to realize there is no future or long-term happiness with this adventurer. But how do you get him out of your life? The less you see of him, the easier it will be. Hes an addiction, so getting rid of him will be painful in spite of the fact you know hes not good for you.

You could try what experts recommend as aversion therapy. Such men are free with their affections. Consider the huge infection risk you run. How many girls has he had this month? Ten, twenty, 100? Think of all the things about him that turn you on, and imagine those things being switched on for every girl he meets.

Put one of your low moods to good use. Scrub his name out of your diary and delete details about him from your mobile. Avoid places where you will meet, and dont answer the phone if you know its him. Find something to replace him, a new pastime to give your confidence a boost. And if you do run into him, remain cool and impervious to his charms. Sooner or later, youll meet someone else youll be comfortable with.

Bunmi

Dear Bunmi,

My mother re-married over six years ago and we moved into my step-fathers house. He has three children and I've always found his eldest child good-looking. He is in the university and I'm at the nursing school. I'm 23 and he's two years older. About five months ago, we finally agree to having mutual feelings of love and we kissed a lot. We recently took things a step further by making love. I love him so much and he feels the same. Our parents don't know what is going on. He says we have nothing to fear as we are not related by blood, that legally, there's nothing stopping us from getting married. Is he right?

Patricia,
by e-mail.

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Dear Patricia,

Your step-brother is technically right. What you are both doing isn't illegal because you and him are not actually blood relatives. If you were close blood relatives, it would definitely be against the law. Having clarified this, you need to be extremely careful. The fact that you find yourselves under the same roof could be responsible for such a closeness, rather than genuine compatibility between the two of you. I would take things slowly if I were you. Ethnically, the society frowns at such a union between children who are legally related. Put bluntly, sleeping with your mothers husbands son sucks! And if things eventually go wrong between you, going back to the brother/sister relationship you had before may be very tricky and uncomfortable.

Bunmi

ask@dearbunmi.com
http://dearbunmi.com/step-brotherwantsustodate/

Dear Bunmi,

My mother re-married over six years ago and we moved into my step-fathers house. He has three children and Ive always found his eldest child good-looking. He is in the university and I`m at the nursing school. I`m 23 and hes two years older.

About five months ago, we finally agree to having mutual feelings of love and we kissed a lot. We recently took things a step further by making love. I love him so much and he feels the same.

Our parents don`t know what is going on. He says we have nothing to fear as we are not related by blood, that legally, there`s nothing stopping us from getting married. Is he right?

Patricia, by e-mail.

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Dear Patricia,

Your step-brother is technically right. What you are both doing isn't illegal because you and him are not actually blood relatives.

If you were close blood relatives, it would definitely be against the law.

Having clarified this, you need to be extremely careful. The fact that you find yourselves under the same roof could be responsible for such a closeness, rather than genuine compatibility between the two of you.

I would take things slowly if I were you. Ethnically, the society frowns at such a union between children who are legally related.

Put bluntly, sleeping with your mothers husbands son sucks! And if things eventually go wrong between you, going back to the brother/sister relationship you had before may be very tricky and uncomfortable.

Bunmi

Dear Bunmi,

My husband and I got married about 10 years ago and I've just given birth to our fourth child and don't want any more children. But my husband is deeply religious and wont use the condom. Used correctly and consistently, female condoms are 95 percent effective. They help to protect against pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections. As a result, Ive resorted to taking the pill without telling him. My fear is, Im worried my husband will be able to detect I'm taking it.

Franka, by e-mail.

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Dear Franka,

Women, sometimes react to the hormones in the pill by getting fuller breasts or by adding on weight. It is, however, unlikely that your husband will link this with your taking the pill. So, unless he finds your supply in the house, he probably wont know. Seriously though, you're taking the pill without discussing it with your husband and that's a sign that something is not right with your relationship. You have every right not to have another child if you think four are enough, but lying to your husband is not the way to a good marriage and a happy life. Face your husband and talk this over with him until you find a solution that's right for you both.

Bunmi

ask@dearbunmi.com

http://www.dearbunmi.com/religion-forbids-condoms

Dear Bunmi,

I’m in my early teens and my parents are divorced. Last year, dad got a new girlfriend who has two children and they can see their father whenever they want. But my dad’s girlfriend won’t let him anywhere near my mum and me. love love She’s always finishing with him for the flimsiest of reasons, even when he called to give me a birthday present. Whenever she dumps him, my dad phones mum and talks for hours, and my poor mum ends up crying. They are currently back together and my dad had changed his phone number, so I can’t phone him any more. When he visited last Christmas, we were together for only a few hours and he was on the phone to his girlfriend most of the time. He hasn’t phoned since. A few days ago, I was out with my mum when I saw him with his girlfriend, and he just looked at me. I love my dad but his girlfriend won’t allow him in my life. What should I do?

Faith,
by e-mail.

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Dear Faith,

I’m sure your dad loves you too but he’s currently too wrapped up in his own problems with his girlfriend he doesn’t realize how sad he’s making you. Write him a letter telling him how much you miss him, and hopefully it will prick his conscience so much he’ll get in touch. If this fails, then you must get some of your older relatives to have a word with him, after all you’re his flesh and blood. Grown-ups can be very selfish when it comes to relationships. Only know that, whatever happens, none of this is your fault.

Bunmi

ask@dearbunmi.com
http://dearbunmi.com/my-dads-girlfriend-runs-his-life/

Dear Bunmi,

My husband is too rough in bed. I love making love with my husband but he’s not very good at picking up on what I like and don’t like in bed. He’s great at oral love making but he only does it for about two minutes and then moves on to intercourse. I moan a lot during MouthAction and try to sort of hold his head there for longer with my hands but he doesn’t seem to pick up on the hint at all. He’s also too rough when he touches me. I’ve tried pushing his hands away to let him know this but he doesn’t pay any attention to that either. Im too shy to come right out and say what I want and dont want but Im starting to feel resentful about him missing all the signals Im sending him. What should I do?

Molly,

By e-mail.

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Dear Molly,

There are loads of men who dont listen when their partners tell them they hate being touched roughly in some particular places of their anatomy an indicator why some of these relationships fail. Such men are too self-absorbed to pay attention to anyones needs but their own. But before you go screaming at him you’ve got to make sure you’ve been as clear as you think you can be. You said you dont want to voice your needs, but I dont think you have a choice here. Its easy to do. The next time hes giving you MouthAction simply say, Honey, that feels fantastic! Can you do it for longer this time? If hes touching you too roughly, say, Could you be a bit gentler? I love you when you touch me really tenderly. None of these comments are critical, theyre encouraging so hes unlikely to take offence.

Bunmi

ask@dearbunmi.com
http://dearbunmi.com/myhusbandistooroughinbed/

Dear Bunmi,

My husband is in his mid 50s and I am 48. Its over three years since we made love and Ive suggested that he sees a specialist but he wont, he shrugs that the specialist will only say that at our age, that type of thing stops. Love-gone-sour I know that sex is not the element of relationship but it is an important part. I find myself being flippant and sarcastic with him and this leads to arguments. My husband said that if sex meant that much to me, I should have an affair if I could find someone and if I could be discreet about it. Well, maybe I should! I love my husband but I refuse to live a celibate life for the rest of my years.

Ladunni,

by e-mail.

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Dear Ladunni,

Impotence can be an early indicator of disease, so it is really important that you consult his doctor. He can prescribe Viagra or some other medications that will help maintain an erection, if that seems appropriate. Ask him to seek medical advice to protect his well being as well as your marriage. Although the frequency with which we make love declines as we leave our 20s, men and women in good health can have sex far into their old age. If it turns out that love making is something you and your partner will never again or seldom be able to enjoy, both of you need to come to terms with that reality in a way that deepens your loving bond. A couple may face this challenge at any age. Despite his bravado, your partner fears that youll have sex with another man and leave him. He is afraid that if he can no longer make love to you, he may be rejected as inadequate and worthless. You too fear being abandoned and the end of your marriage. Despite your rationalism and the sense that you miss having sex, your need is only for reassurance that you have not become undesirable to men or to the man you married. Accept that you will not part. In the meantime, find ways to share intimacy that wont depend on sexual intercourse. Sex is a tide that ebbs and flows in a relationship. Even though sex life dies, a couple needs to constantly re-affirm their sense of love, loyalty and companionship.

Bunmi

ask@dearbunmi.com
http://dearbunmi.com/i-want-sex-hubby-feels-old/

Dear Bunmi,

My boyfriend weeps after sex. He is the same age as me 26 and I’m worried about him. Our sex life is great, but once its over, he suddenly changes and becomes depressed. He even cried a couple of times and then left a sad man. Im used to men turning over and going to sleep after sex, but his behaviour is weird, to say the least. Do you think he has hormone problems?

Linda,

by e-mail.

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Dear Linda,

Orgasms often produce immediate after-effects in men and women. Hormones are partly to blame, although emotions including love, as well as fears about sex are important too. Most people feel relaxed, and youre not alone in finding men rolling over and dozing off after sex. But your boyfriends reaction is extreme, and it sounds as if sex makes him feel guilty and anxious. The problem might improve as he becomes more confident with you, if not, then, encourage him to have a word with his doctor unfailingly.

Bunmi


ask@dearbunmi.com
http://dearbunmi.com/heweepsaftersex/

Dear Bunmi,
Why are men so fixated on watching porn? In spite of the fact that my boyfriend of nine months knows how I feel about porn, he still insists its not as smutty as I said it was. He keeps begging me to watch before I make up my mind, but I still believe its disgusting and a pervert way of having fun. What do you think?
Love
Denike,
by e-mail.

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Dear Denike,

These days, young women may feel pressured to like porn, as if its a per-requisite for being sexually confident. But while some women find it arousing and educational, others think it is demeaning or just plain unsexy. More than one woman has written that when her partner looks at porn, it makes her feel like he’s not satisfied with their sex life. In the vast majority of cases, that’s not true for most men I’ve talked to, porn is just fantasy, not a reflection of how he feels about his partner. Whatever the reason for your dislike, you need to let your man know your fears. If after discussing it with him you want to experiment, start in mild way. If you’re still turned off by it, you have every right to ask him to watch it on his own and keep it out of sight.

Bunmi

ask@dearbunmi.com
http://dearbunmi.com/begging-watch-porn/

Dear Bunmi,

I've just met a fantastic boyfriend who is a good lover. The problem is that twice now, I've had a wee during sex. I've also noticed that this only happens whenever we have sex in the missionary position. Love-gone-sour Love-gone-sour As you can imagine, it is really embarrassing. My man hasn't noticed yet though I'm sure it'll be a matter of time before he notices.

Susie,
by e-mail.

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Dear Susie,

Don’t be embarrassed and don’t panic! What is probably happening is that having sex in the missionary position is pressing on your bladder, forcing you to let go. The answer is simple don’t have sex in that position. Tell your man it stimulates you in the wrong way (which is perfectly true, although not in the way he might think!) and you’d prefer other positions. When you’ve been going out for long, and are more relaxed with him, you can admit the truth if you like. For now, just avoid the problem.

Bunmi

ask@dearbunmi.com
http://dearbunmi.com/help-wee-sex/

Dear Bunmi,

I've been married to my wife for over six years now and we have two lovely children. My problem is her insatiable appetite for sex. My wife wants sex and everyday. The fact that she has kids hasn't slowed her down and at times, whenever we made love and she doesn't reach orgasm, she would reach for her vibrator. Ive protested that I found her behaviour with the vibrator disgusting, so she takes it to the bathroom. She said it is better than being unfaithful to me, but I wonder if she wouldn't be unfaithful given half a chance?

Louise,
By e-mail

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Dear Louise,

You find your wife's use of the vibrator distasteful because you think you're not satisfying her sexually, but believe me, sex drives differ. Your wife enjoys sex and there is nothing you can do about that apart from playing your part, which you have done. Since your best is not obviously good enough for her and she has found an alternative that is no threat to the marriage, I think you should leave her alone. You'll be surprised how wide-spread the use of vibrators are these days amongst married couples. Why don't you ask her to include you in her sexual fantasy you might just find it fascinating. So, next time she reaches for her vibrator, give her a helping hand!

Bunmi

ask@dearbunmi.com
www.dearbunmi.com/wants-sex-even-kids

Dear Bunmi,

My husband and I are happy in our marriage. We have two little girls and a satisfactory sex life. Lately however, Ive found myself lusting after other men, particularly my husbands closest friend whom I have been fantasizing about. Hes recently been separated from his wife and I find myself thinking about him all the time. I even become jealous when he talks about women he fancies. Is this a symptom of deeper problems in my marriage? Im thinking of having a bite of this particular forbidden fruit!

Yinka,
by e-mail.

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Dear Yinka,

Your wondering eyes are not at all unusual, it is completely normal. As a matter of fact, the most virtuous, faithful, pure-minded woman cant control her thought and lust all of the time because part of a womans make-up is a very strong sex drive. Dont, under any circumstance, let guilt pressure you into irrational, possibly damaging actions, including your jumping into bed with this man simply because you find him sexually appetizing! Whatever you do, dont tell your husband about your attraction to other men or give him any reason to suspect youre lusting after one. It would be irksome to both of you if he became anxious or jealous because of your revelations. It would certainly disrupt his relationship with his friend. Any flirting between you and your husbands friend must be kept under control. It is natural for you to warm to him and enjoy his affection, but know where to draw the line. Warmth between two people does not have to end in sex.

Bunmi

http://dearbunmi.com/lusting-after-my-husbands-friend/

Dear Bunmi,

I’m an old-fashioned man and like to treat a woman correctly. I have a good job and I recently re-located to the country. I open doors for my girlfriends and hate to see a woman carrying heavy bags. But I find women dont accept my chivalry and prefer men who treat them badly. Where am I going wrong? My friends say women prefer the tough guys who slap them around. Is this true?

Love Harry,

by-mail.

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Dear Harry,

I think you’re trying a little too hard! As a woman, it is wonderful to be treated with kindness and respect, but a little too much protection feels controlling and smothering. Try to relax a little with your next girlfriend. Take the time to find out who she is, her likes, dislikes, her dreams and disappointments rather than carrying her bags. Be open and show your strength and weaknesses. People distrust a person who’s too good to be true. Women don’t like roughnecks either. Be violent and they’re likely to walk!

Bunmi

Dear Bunmi,

My boyfriend is five years older than me. He is a great lover, but I’d only had sex a couple of times with my ex before we got together and I feel like Im lousy, especially when compared to his ex-girlfriends. He keeps asking me to make love to him, but Im terrified as I dont know what to do. He loves me and says Im wonderful in and out of the bedroom. I love him so much, and want to please him as much as he pleases me. Please, help!

Joke, By e-mail.



Dear Joke,

Experience is not always the secret of being a good lover. Men who are in love with their partners are turned on by who she is and how she feels about them. It wont be sexual tricks that will do it for your man but your body, your face, your smell, your taste. So, show him how much you care for him in the way you touch, kiss and respond to his love-making. Once you’re confident, ask him to teach you what he’d like you to do in bed. That will give him a good time and reassure you you’re getting it right.

Bunmi

Dear Bunmi,

I am in my mid-20s and have a healthy appetite for sex.
I like to know if a man is really goodin bed before committing to having a relationship with him.
Most of the time, I sex-test my dates before deciding whether I like them or not.
As a result, I’ve broken off with a couple of my dates after having unenjoyable sex with them.
Now my friends tell me that I’m getting a reputation for using and dumping men.
That is the furtherest thing on my mind.
How do I change this opinion?

Jade.
By e-mail.

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Dear Jade,

Plenty of women have sex early in a relationship and there is nothing wrong with that. But if some of these friends who are warning you are genuine friends you can trust, then perhaps you should tread more softly. A man (and a woman, come to that) doesn’t want to be tested, he wants to know you like him and that sex is an expression of affection as well as passion.
You can sleep with a guy after you’ve found out that you will get on with him. That doesn’t necessarily mean that you should instantly have a deep commitment to him. It simply means getting to know him and working out any problems the relationship might have instead of walking out.

Bunmi
ask@dearbunmi.com
http://dearbunmi.com/broke-lot-men-due-unenjoyable-sex/