Elder001:


Was your husband a virgin himself?


You don't have to quote me to say this bullshît.

I didn't tell you not to value virginity. Your life, your choice.
My post is strictly my opinion, stop quoting me to say your fictional bullshît.

Oh am so sorry if I pissed you off, don't be vexed okay.

You made a post and I thought differring opinions were allowed and any one could comment.

I felt you were someone I could chip in one or two comments for because we had both agreed on a different post before relating to marriage.

But rather you seem so combative, extremely rude and on the defense.

Would gladly avoid your post next time don't worry, sorry once again .


Was my husband a virgin?, no, though he wasn't, he was celibate.

My big brother is an ardent christain those types people call spirikoko and was a virgin till marriage.

All his exes got upset because he wouldnt sleep with them, called him derogatory names and broke it off and he eventually got married to a woman who wasn't a virgin, they have three kids now. So it happens.

Have a nice day Sir.

Elder001:


This thread was created about 2/3 months ago, why all these mentions today?

If you don't agree with my post it's better you ignore than to quote me.

Yes for your statement, I can't be teaching my female kids that virginity is the pride of a woman.

Saying such will simply reemphasise the fact that women are sex objects which I don't subscribe to.

Sex isn't the pride of a woman.

American and European men don't care about virginity yet they treat their wives as equals, they cook and do everything . African women keep virginity for some worthless men yet these same men don't d[/color]o house chores and don't see their wives as equal[color=#990000].


You're entitled to your belief so am I.

A woman should be measured by intelligence and career not virginity bullshît.

Please, endeavor not to quote me with your African mentality next time because it's an insult on my personality.

Sir , Remember me?, if not kindly check my previous posts on sharing of house chores in marriage for am sure you would see how helpful my hubby is.

I got married at 29 and a virgin. I had my first kiss on the day of my wedding and to say am blessed with my marriage is an understatement. Hubby was celibate for some years, we did christian courtship so he thought I was also celibate.

Most people think virgins do suffer and they have it bad in marriages because they don't come out to brag about their lives but that's bull. They shout who virgin help,

When we got back from our honeymoon hubby got me a sport car an upgrade from my former ride, a month later I got a house in a choice area. Plus other things i wont be mentioning here so i won't be decoded.

Not focused on the material possession because I had enough financial sustenance before I got married.
Alas he worships the ground I walk on, he spoils me silly and talks good care of me in every areas, cooks for me, got me a driver though i drive. .

He treats me like an egg and says all the time "i respect you" I admire your strength because e no easy at 29.

Mr elder, leave virgins alone, if you dont value them there are enough people out there who admire them same way there are men who don't like virgins.
You dont have to write an epistle on it if you truly dont care.Live and let live.

JAMESOJAY:
If same thing happens to your son when gets married what will you say?

If the same happen to your daughter when she gets married what would you say?, when her husband tells her to write only his name on the document of the house she built ehn?

proffemi:


Dalerudaleru. Are you married?

She gave the impression that hubby's parents were in dire need. She never suggested that hers were.
If you are responsibly married, then you should know that while striking a balance in terms of expenditure on the two sets of in-laws can be hard, when one side has a dire need, the burden doesn't get transferred only to the spouse from that side.

She never gave the impression in her write-up that she was against spending on the hubby's family at that point. Her view (a very selfish one!) was that the burden for treating hubby's father and making them more comfortable should be borne by him alone. This lady has been selfish and calculating for a very long time.

I will hold that view till she provides additional information.

Gberudani, I am happily married read my previous posts to get a better view of my marriage.

Are you married ?, because if you are also responsibly married you would know that if the table were turned and she used her own resources to help her family there's no way the man will put only her name on the document like he is imposing right now.

She said joint the man refused and said he wants only his name there and am sure no sensible person will agree to that rubbish.

jadyclem:


what you did is very wrong. if you had told him you were going to use your name in the documents your marriage would not have lasted to this time. both of you had the plan to build a family house, what you should have done is put both of your names in the documents. women like you don't go into marriage with open mind. you expected what is happening now a long time ago through your actions. no man will take what you just did

Yes they had plans but he went and used his money to build a house for his family like she doesn't have parents too abi?.

wittyt98:
ma I'll advice you not to change the name on the documents to your husband's. he clearly is a very selfish and wicked man who would've made u pack out of that house if it was his to begin with.

my late aunty made a mistake of giving all her life savings to her husband to do business with so they could complete the house they both were building thinking he was a responsible man only for the man to change after a short while. he started finding faults in everything she does and used that as an excuse to start dating young girls and before my aunty knew what's up he had impregnated his young girlfriend and intends to marry her. my aunty was forced to move out of the house they both built when she couldn't bear the whole pain and betrayal. long story short her husband got married to the young girlfriend ,completed and moved his new bae into their house "his house now cus the document is in his name" and that's how my aunty lost out completely. she dealt with the pain and depression till she finally died few years later due to sickness.

your parents didn't pay your school fees and all only for you to give out your house to a very greedy man all in the name of marriage. it's your house, its your money, it's your property. you own it

don't let anyone make u take a decision you're later gonna regret cus I know how Nigerian marriage works and how they try to put the whole blame on the wife or ask her to give up on what she's fighting for because the husband is the head of the family and all that rubbish.

you're both heads madam
don't let anyone deceive you
own your property!!

Thank you ooo, I don't understand why a woman cant own properties simply because she married.

I am married and my properties are in my name, have not seen the person that will tell me to change it to my husband's name. His properties are in his name too and everyone is happy.

I don't even understand the whole rationale behind putting his name and giving him joint ownership when it's your house, only your name deserves to be on the document. Haba
You claim you are thinking about the kids then why is he not also thinking about them too and threatening divorce is he not their father or you gave birth to them alone?.

Eketem:


Wetin concern me, she can't take care of 3 kids alone at least she has a house let her join being homeless and taking care of 3 kids.

I have no words for weak women who stick to weakness even when God has shown them signs clearly

Don't mind her, my mum left my dad with five kids she had no job, no house, didn't even know where to start from but she took us all.

Look at where we are today , God is really good for we never imagined we will be as prosperous as we are now, we give Glory to God's name.

Here is a woman who has a job, a house, and just three kids not five and am sure she also has a car and is living comfortably.

Daboomb:


So it is archaic if in my house, l have roles l do and my wife has roles she does, without any competition from each other?
You see why l said most of you are a sorry excuse of "damaged goods"?

I am married for God knows how long, my wife is well educated and 'financially made' even though she does not need it and you know what?
Like the likes of Alakija (Mrs), she still cooks and does her household chores without whinning like all you cry-babies.
Get a life of get out of your marriage because y'all not marriage materials, just a bunch of whinning, over-fed rabbits.

Learn how to engage in constructive arguments without using derogatory words,.

I said "archaic" cause thats my own worldview in terms of traditional gender roles. This isn't someone whinning, this is me saying not everyone restricts themselves to a role. It may not be same to you, then fine but understand your type of marriage isn't everyone's type too.

While growing up i Was told to washed cars while my big brothers did nothing, and they were called to cook while i did nothing. My parents only called on who they have in sight and in proximity to them.

If they see you, they call you, simple. It helped me and my siblings in life because we weren't restricted to those roles.
While in school I could change my bulb or fixed the socket all these my friends couldn't do.

You keep saying competition would arise when roles aren't defined, maybe in a marriage where both parties refuses to see each other as a team and true love and respect for each other is lacking.

That's why we are called to selflessness in marriage, when you know you are working for and not against yourselves, you won't even notice who imputed more.

Yes sometimes I work more and sometimes my husband works more depending on who gets home early, has night shifts,who has more projects, and travels etc and sometimes it's equal but nobody is whinning.

If he gets home first he prepare dinner doesn't take juice and snacks while waiting for me to get back to fix something up. When i get home first i also prepare the meals, Now for me and some out there that's marriage.

We don't necessarily need to have the same worldview. We don't have the same upbringing, lifestyles, exposure etc.

You kept mentioning alakija, that has plethora of cooks, and only cook together with enough cooks at her beck and call when she is around, which is once in a while .

She doesn't cook 365 days and when she does" sometimes", she does it with her cooks and she is never alone in the kitchen like most women.

Damaged goods, rabbits? Like really?, watch your languages please, counter arguments with points not insult.
There was no where I insulted you or spoke to you brashly, well sorry I spoke to you.

Have a nice day.

BiggyB242:


But you will hardly find a man who will do that, so, she just have to face the real world or perhaps look for that 10% of men who will do house chores. Remember, if Mr A has a choice to choose between Miss A who will work and do house chores and Miss B who wouldn't, you should know the answer.

No you are wrong a lot of men do that here. Even your so called Nigerian men .
it's hilarious seeing them bending over backwards tolerating what they never would from their Nigerian wives. That's why I understood where @Elder001 was coming from. He wasn't kissing anyone's behind just saying the obvious truth..

Daboomb:



I hope you also laugh when you hear that "men die younger than women" or that 'women live longer than men'?

I dont even want to go into details of how men work themselves to death, over their family and then die when its time to start enjoying it, only for the woman to enjoy the sweat of the man and probably doing so with a new husband/lover.

As men, we dont whine. We do our bit and get on with it

All the things you listed up there, from the food to the 'pounding' to the children, are all SHARED BENEFITS BETWEEN BOTH OF THEM.
No one is doing the other a favor.

Like in any organisation, their are ROLES each person plays, for the success of the organisation.
You play yours, l play mine and things work.
No one should start whinning about how their role is giving them headache, except they are just plain lazy.

Same in the family/home.
The husband has his role and the wife has her role (which includes cooking for the family).

If you dont like the heat, get the feck out of the kitchen.
Marriage is not by force.

I also laugh knowing fully well you are wrong, i am well aware of the reasons behind that, and none were inclusive out of the reasons you stated. For Honestly that is really not one of the reasons why women live longer than men.

Mind you i speak with facts, for i did a few research for my projects on that while i was in school, and my profession grants me enough access to conduct more research on most of these men and you failed to mention the root causes.

You just reiterated our points on why you men should stop using the word "help" while you appear in the kitchen once in a blue moon. It's a shared benefit, isnt it?, so you not doing her a favour but yourself.

Yes but yet different organisations exists and different ways of running it also exists, coupled with different form of leadership styles .

Hence the reason I stand with the egalitarian marriage, which is what I saw my parent marriage as and they still together after 40 years same with the marriages of my elder brothers and sisters.

I remember how Dad and mom woke up early, prayed, then prepared us for school while dad prepared breakfast, mom bathed all the kids, ironed our uniform, both dropped us off at school. Either Dad mopped and mom washed or dad cooked and mom mopped. Dad also did grocery shopping countless times or they went together.

Till we grew up they always helped one another and that's what I know as marriage, a partnership.

If you want the cooking to be done solely by your wife, get you a woman who has the same archaic mentality as yourself without berating others who don't.


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[quote author=Daboomb post=68211173]

tartarus:
Nigerian men are very selfish creatures! I'm a Nigerian man and I'm saying this!. You all want a woman to do all the chores, take care of the kids and also contribute to the finances!! Kuku kill her all in the name of marriage, I really don't see how marriage favors Nigerian women except when there are kids.

What most Nairaland guys bring to the table is d*CK and a meagre salary

I always advise my sister's to please marry a foreign man, I'm glad they're not even based in Nigeria. The lady I eventually get married to is going to know my mom raised me right

Thank you oo, I laugh when I hear women age faster than men, please what do most men expect?, she goes to work same as you comes back home while you relax with football, she is in the kitchen cooking till God knows when, you devour the meal by this time you already in bed waiting to pound her life out, then she goes to the kitchen to clean up, wakes up before you to prepare the meal and the children for school and its an ongoing cycle.
To crown it all you still expect her to look like a Barbie doll.

Before you come for me I wash cars, change the bulb, take out the trash and what not.
There's nothing like helping her out since you eat out of the meal so you doing no one a favour.

1x2x3:



Did you read through the thread to discover I stated she objects a few of my travels as long as she isn't available to go with me? She travels but for this particular trip she sounded unconvincing about the reason for the trip that's why I objected and she boldly told me she will go, come back and face the consequences.
I'm out of the relationship already there's no 2 ways about it from all she said I can't post here. Thank you for contributing.

I didn't read through because I didn't want to be biased and base my own comments off another person's advice.

No, you cant blame me, thats why its good to always write a detailed summary for i only wrote my comment from what I deduced from the little bits you laid out from your first write up.

She told you not to travel not once but thrice, well that's wrong, for in any relationship autonomy is essential , you dont own whoever you are with and they deserve to have a life in and outside of that union. They don't stop living simply because they are dating you.

Since you do listen to her courtesy demands she does the same, I said all that cause I thought it was one-sided and mainly from your end . You have left the relationship well good for you, wish you the best in your next.

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1x2x3:
I'm sorry I'm saying this and it hurts my heart to agree with the warnings of marrying a single mother. I'm not the best writer but I will try to narrate my experience and findings.

First of all I would like to point out that there are very few single mothers who can make a good wife while majority of them will ruin you and make your life miserable if caution is not taken.

I've been dating a single mother of a 5 years old boy for about a year and half she is 30 and never been married. I wouldn't just jump into such relationship but for the fact she is someone I knew back in my School days however, we lost contact for about 10 years before we met again and I kind of understood the story she told me and the circumstances she had the child (Till date I didn't bother verifying her story of course I don't care).

We dated for about a year and she got talking with a few of my friends and sibling but the striking thing is she is yet to introduce me to any of her friends or siblings even though I knew she have many siblings and some friends (I did question her about this and she said she doesn't have someone she can really call a friend).

Looking at the kind of reserved life she lives I felt this could be normal but still something kept telling me there's more to these whole pretentious reserved life because I'm introverted and can easily figure out who's pretending to be one. Mind you, she is the church going type who prays and wants my well being yet I could still figure out there is something not clear thus my reason for taking my time to propose to her. This is actually not my fault as there is no way I can figure out who she is unless through someone close to her.

About 6 months ago a pastor that is yet to meet her in person told me that if I marry her I will end up divorcing but being the doubting Thomas type I gave no ear to whatever the pastor has to say until recently when something unfolded.

She lives 3 hrs drive away and comes visiting most of the weekend. Here is the major problem which I must admit I'm at fault but I thank God I was at fault because it paved way for the revelation. Throughout the time we've been dating I only visited her once which she complained about, I wasn't just too comfortable going there to spend time and do certain things (I didn't just find this right but I'm very much comfortable if she visits alone or with the kid). She complained a few times about me not visiting until 2 weeks ago she told me she was traveling to Abuja.
I inquired about her reasons of traveling and she said she needed to rest since she's on leave (Redflag). Her reasons didn't sound logical so I objected, I told her I wasn't comfortable with her traveling, she kept insisting and she jokingly said she will go and face the consequences when she returns. We talked about this for days and she eventually went against all odds and traveled.
On getting to Abuja she started acting funny like not taking calls or calling and when she finally returned my call I told her not to call me until she is back from her trip (I needed to avoid unnecessary worries)

She returned after 4 days and called knowing fully well we've got issues to thrash. She started complaining I don't give her attention as much as she wants (she seems not to be able to deal with my introverted person anymore). The ranting was becoming rude, sounding like a different person from whom I thought I knew. We got to a heated point I had to ask for any of her siblings number, she immediately became defensive and threatened that if I dare contact any of her siblings (7 of them) that I won't like the outcome . It occurred to me she isn't in good relationship with any of her siblings even though they talk sometimes. She just doesn't want me to contact anyone. Out of her rudeness I asked her if she is ready to be under a man since she has brought up marriage issues on few occasions. She said she isn't ready to tolerate bulllshitt of men afterall she has a child, marriage is about children and if things aren't working in a marriage everyone can find their way . The pastor's words occurred to me instantly. I took about 2 hours telling her how much she needs to adjust and understand she isn't supposed to tuzzle with a man else it will be hard for things to work in a home.

She said so many unimaginable things that it dawned to me she was pretending to be nice all these while. She said she wants a man that can take alll she does, I then asked her if she is ready to take all a man does she said no and I told her to look for a man and pay his groom price since she wants a man she can control.

Still scary to me she pretended all these while, going to church and acting very responsible hoping I marry her which I genuinely had intentions to but for the fact something kept telling me I needed more time to know her.

At the end its obvious she is used to being a single mother and if she divorces tomorrow it will be nothing new to her.

Guys make sure you scrutinize that single mother before you jump in. There's a reason she's single and in her 30's.
I found out she's not in good terms with her siblings because she doesn't like taking orders or listening to advice. They've talked to her about being rude and disrespectful but rather than listen she drew bad blood between her and all her siblings.

You are very controlling, she is not your wife yet, so how dare you object to her travelling?.

You can't control a human being like yourself unless one with low self esteem, even your kids you don't control them, how much more an adult like yourself.
Oh , I guess it is because she is a female you automatically expect her to be subservient.
You claim to be a christain brother but your reasoning and way of behaving is archaic.
You haven't proposed to her yet, still you feel you deserve the contacts of every member of her family while you were simply being a boyfriend.

Did it ever occur to you that your woman is an extrovert she kept on trying to spice your relationship up and also encouraged you to be a bit social but you locked up claiming "am an introvert".

she was on leave and decided to make good use of it by travelling but you refused her going like you have a right, so she could be with your "introverted self" to put it mildly, as you claim. If you were that interesting and fun to be with she would want to spend every second with you, trust me.

You kept reiterating on how you are introverted no you are a simply boring individual, who is also rigid and wants every lady to bend to your whims, You are the problem here.

Besides there's nothing wrong with the lady you guys are just not compatible.