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 Literature › Antidotes For Corruption, The After-party (a Playlet) By ‘din Shehu by dinbaba(op): 1:04pm On Jul 03, 2017 |
DISCLAIMER: The characters and events in this play are fictitious. Any similarities to actual persons or events are unintentional. CHARACTERS Senator Afonja - My Leadah Senator Ajekunaye - Boy Senator Na-juman Jonge - Hexcellency! Sunday - A double amputee; My Leadah’s houseboy AN ACT, A SCENE: Enter two distinguished looking gentlemen resplendently decked in crisp agbada. The older, shorter man leading the way is in a blue, exquisitely-tailored Agbada ensemble. He is clearly someone used to authority from birth. It is evident in his measured, confident strides and the expression on his face; a cross between the assumed nonchalance of someone holding a fart in public and the smug satisfaction of expelling it unnoticed. Somehow, it befits and even adds to his aura of quiet influence. The other, in spotless white agbada is younger but much taller. From the fawning look of admiration in his eyes and obsequious gestures, it is apparent that he is subordinate to the man he is trailing. As they swaggered into the expansive and luxuriously decorated living-room, the younger man rushes to remove an errant side-table out of the way and waits until the other is seated before sitting down too beside him. They are clearly in exuberant moods as their faces are wreathed in the self-satisfied smiles of loud achievers. (Both laughing) MY LEADAH: My! The book launch was a terrific success! BOY: It was oh, my Leadah! MY LEADAH: I was particularly impressed with the turn-out of personalities. Boy, you outdid yourself this time! BOY: (still struggling with mirth) Hahaha! My Leadah, it was no big deal oh. I just did as you instructed. I also made sure that all distinguished and honourable Nyash members were present. MY LEADAH: And the overwhelming media presence, nko? BOY: That one easy my Leadah. After the adverts of the book launch in the media, I followed up with personal calls and a little ‘something-something’ in their accounts. You know how hungry these pen-pushers are now, my Leadah. (Renewed laughter, this time mocking) MY LEADAH: I love that Dame Kpeshe was personally there. That was the clincher for me! BOY: Yes oh! You know Madam Kpeshe has been itching to fight back ever since (lowers voice almost inaudibly, and nods in a general direction) Parosident Bubu’s people started harassing her. Ah, the woman was more than willing gaan to come oh. MY LEADAH: I was scared stiff her oga wouldn’t let her show face. You know how the pitiful slowpoke is trying to keep a low-profile nowadays. BOY: I thought of that too my Leadah, but you and I know say na Kpeshe be the oga for that house naa! Immediately I called and invited her, she said (imitates Dame Kpeshe): “chai, I go waka come!” MY LEADAH: Boy, I’m glad we pulled it off. A brilliant move, from beginning to end! I’m only disappointed that some other key people didn’t show up, like that Junior Jerrycan from Anaga. BOY: Nor mind am my Leadah. You know say him too dey form like say he holy pass, like Bubu. Even that my former teacher refused to come after I sent him three years worth of his miserable salary as transport fare. ode like him! MY LEADAH: Good thing Junior Jerrycan didn’t come after all. What if he’d showed up with a hidden automatic and started shooting all the Nyash members present? You remember what he did to our fellow politicians in Anaga then? BOY: Kai but My Leadah, you are just too brilliant! They say people with big head are very intelligent but here I am with my big head and I don’t have even a drop of your intelligence (looks admiringly at MY LEADAH, before dropping a morose glance on himself). In fact, you should have been named ‘Smart’ and not that oloriburuku I defeated during the last election. (MY LEADAH smiles briefly at the praise and cocked his head in modest acknowledgement. BOY pleased with the effect of his words on his principal, continues) To be quite honest my Leadah, I think whatever is giving you this thinking power should be packaged and sold at every supermarket nationwide! MY LEADAH: (now beaming brightly): I’m sure if anybody can arrange that, it’s you. BOY: (Laughs) Aah! No oh! It is not by my power oh. I just dey follow you for back my Leadah. BOY: (After a reflective pause) Ehen my Leadah, you haven’t told me the reason you were so insistent in January when you directed me to write and publish this book oh. MY LEADAH: My boy, you are forgetting the first lesson I taught you in this very room. Did I not tell you that to be a successful politician in the Federal Republic of Niagaraland; you have to master the art of Mass Distraction? Boy: Yes my Leadah, you did. I remember now! MY LEADAH: Then why are you asking me questions when we have just pulled off the greatest mass distraction coup in the history of Niagaraland? BOY: (Stammers) Erm…M-m-my Leadah, I-I-I’m not quite…er…following sir. MY LEADAH: Didn’t we #OpenNyash just a few days to your book launch? BOY: Yes my Leadah, we did. Against my humble opinion oh, I must respectfully add. MY LEADAH: Oh yes. Yes, your complaints were valid but my hands were tied, no thanks to awon omor jati-jatis on social media who were screaming “#OpenNyash, #OpenNyash!” like constipated hyenas. Well, can’t really blame them. I’m the one who promised in an ill-advised moment, to #OpenNyash if I become Nyash Parosident. I didn’t know these people were going to be so persistent… BOY: (Cuts in) especially those DudgeIT people! MY LEADAH: (raises voice) Especially DudgeIT! awon oloshi! They lack one single respect. I nearly deactivated my Twitter account because of their #OpenNyash campaign. I couldn’t tweet anything without them shouting “#OpenNyash!” in my mentions. (Sighs) Well, as I was saying, there was nothing to do but to #OpenNyash if I was to retrieve a little of my crumbling credibility. You know how some people are saying our Nyash is a den of corruption just because we refused to drop our trousers for them. BOY: That’s true, but where did my book launch come in here? MY LEADAH: (wears a patient school-teacher smile) Boy, you still have a lot to learn fa. Not everything is agidi, wearing choir gown and singing apala music on Insta like you did after they said you did not finish school like Tuface. Sometimes, you need to use your head. BOY: (hangs head) Thank you my Leadah. I will take correction my Leadah. MY LEADAH: (snorts) Anyways, I know our people in Niagaraland; once you give them something they asked for, they will start picking holes in it. That’s why immediately after we #OpenNyash, I was particular that we launched your book. You see, you and I know that the Nyash we opened was…erm…somehow. Our people are docile but they are not stupid. Sooner than later, I knew they will figure out that even though we have #OpenNyash, they are still not seeing our…ahem, ‘hole’. Your book launch was to firstly, distract them from looking too much to find the hole in our Nyash. Secondly, it serves as a counter-argument to those who say the Nyash is not doing enough to support the Parosident’s anti-corruption war. BOY: Wow! My Leadah! I said it, you are Einstein himself! That was brilliant, and they bought it oh, like cheap ewa otili. Hmmm, now instead of #OpenNyash, they are now talking about my book launch and how many copies so-so-so and so bought. (Claps with childish glee) MY LEADAH: (with a triumphant expression) now your head is there my boy. BOY: But my Leadah, I saw you smiling when Honourable Ragoda launched the book with 18 million cowries. Why? MY LEADAH: Ah, that stupid boy! He always thinks he’s smart and can play both sides. I was laughing because at that moment he shot himself in the foot. BOY: How my Leadah? MY LEADAH: Ahn ahn, were you not there when he started a bromance on social media with that short Governor from Agwugwu State, the one they were both displaying their pay-slips like Hot teenagers exchanging nudes? Well, he was the one who said his salary is 350, 000 Cowries in his pay-slip. I was laughing because I knew these social media boys will ask him where he got 18 million cowries from if his monthly salary is really 350,000 Cowries. BOY: Hmmm…another distraction for the social media people? MY LEADAH: Yes ke! I’m sure by now the heat is already on him! BOY: (leaps up and prostrates before My Leadah) My Leadah! You are too too much! I dobale for you oh! MY LEADAH: (looks slightly embarrassed but pleased at the same time) Haba my boy. Stand up please! Enter SUNDAY, MY LEADAH’S houseboy. He is leaning heavily on two wooden crutches. He halts when he sees BOY genuflecting before his oga but the smiling visage of MY LEADAH quickly assures him that nothing was amiss but BOY’s exuberant dignity. MY LEADAH: Yes, Sunday. What is it? SUNDAY: Distinguished Oga sah, na Hexcellency! dey wait for small parlour sah! MY LEADAH: Hexcellency!? Please bring him in! Bring him in at once! Exit SUNDAY. BOY, now seated, saunters to a water dispenser in the corner and fills a glass with water. He brings it to MY LEADAH who thanks him with a smile and took a small sip. SUNDAY returns shortly with HEXCELLENCY! in tow. He is an impressive man; tall and swarthy with the hooked nose of a predatory bird, clearly a man not to trifle with. MY LEADAH: Ah! Hexcellency! Good to see you! BOY: welcome sir! HEXCELLENCY!: (to BOY) Congratulations on your-a bwook launch today. I heard it was a success. BOY: Thank you Hexcellency! it was. HEXCELLENCY!: (to MY LEADAH) You-a must be fretty fleased. Everything went according to flans again. MY LEADAH: indeed! In fact, it went too well. I think for now, we have given Niagarans another topic of debate, away from #OpenNyash. HEXCELLENCY!: (frowns) I didn’t kwait understand why you-a wanted us to hophun Nyash for zis feofle but I must say that apta seeing ze commendation op even our own farty, ze AYC, I fink it was a wonderful move you made. Kwudos! BOY: Ahhh! So Hexcellency!, you too were in the know of My Leadah’s plans all along? And you didn’t tell me? HEXCELLENCY!: Op kwas, I was. We didn’t want to tell you until aptawards. My Leadah was apraid you will sfill ze beans on insta-menene again…? MY LEADAH: (cuts in) instagram. HEXCELLENCY!: Nagode, Instagram the way you droffed your-a last albwum dia. MY LEADAH: Erm, Hexcellency! any news yet from London? HEXCELLENCY!: Not yet my Leadah. My sauces have not been able to fenetrate where za Parosident is keft, but Insha’a Allahu, I will have news very soon. MY LEADAH: I pray it is positive. HEXCELLENCY!: It will be Insha’a Allahu. I have told you refeatedly, za Parosident is not coming back. If he wants to pight kwarrupshun, let him remain in London and pight it. Ze need him zia, we don’t need him hia! MY LEADAH: What about his Vice? HEXCELLENCY!: Zat gejere fastor? When za time kwums, we will deal with him afrofriately. Already, I have zirected some of our alewa elders to begin making small small noise to fwut pia in him. He is not a froblem my Leadah. MY LEADAH: Thank you Hexcellency!. You are doing a great job. Soon, all these will be ours (points to a map of Niagaraland on the wall). HEXCELLENCY!: (standing up) let me take my leave. It has been a long day por me. (MY LEADAH and BOY rise too) BOY: (Stretches) Aaah! A long fulfilling day MY LEADAH: Indeed. (To BOY) where to now? BOY: Ah, me? I’m heading straight home for a long relaxing bath. Also, there’s a new container arriving tonight (Winks suggestively) MY LEADAH: My boy! Hope it’s not that afin shandy that was in that useless TV Show? I saw the picture you took with her today on Instagram. BOY: My Leadah, I cannot categorically accept or deny that she’s the one oh! MY LEADAH: Be careful my boy, I hear her tastes are quite expensive. shey she’s the one who wants only men that own private jets? BOY: (laughs) Yes oh! But the only private jet she is riding tonight is this! (Points at his crotch). MY LEADAH: Just don’t let those social media boys find out she’s going out with you fa, before they trend your name again. You know that mekunu boy…what’s his name again? BOY: Jabgros. That boy is a terrorist on Twitter. I will deal with him soon! MY LEADAH: Is it true he said he is the leader of all mekunus on Niagaraland Twitter? BOY: Yes oh. He is always there, forming loyalty to the Parosident and his Vice. He thinks they are the best thing in the world since eba ati egusi. MY LEADAH: Don’t mind those boys. They are just hungry. Give them small food, like omor Fanme-Bayode, and they will dance any dance for you. BOY: True my leader. In fact, there was one small girl that used to make noise like Jabgros until Honourable Ragoda gave her small chop. The girl quiet pass mouse now! MY LEADAH: you see? (To HEXCELLENCY!) Sorry Hexcellency!. We are keeping you waiting. HEXCELLENCY!: Baa damuwa ai BOY: Let me be on my way too my Leadah. I’m sure my Afin is waiting for me by now (laughs lewdly) HEXCELLENCY!: Kai, you feofle are berry immoral gaskiya! My religion porbids me to engage in zis kind op ziscussion. Alhamdulilah! BOY: But it allows you to pad Nyash budget, abi? HEXCELLENCY!: Kai kamburuba! Zat one is not a sin gaskiya, ip you are doing it to peed your-a pamily, kaji kwo? (They burst out laughing. Still guffawing, they exit the room together. Enter Sunday, who has been eavesdropping on their discussion, from behind a large book shelf. He stares sorrowfully after the departed trio whose laughter can still be heard in the distance) SUNDAY: Nne, Naija don suffer! (Curtains) ‘Din Shehu is an occasional writer and amateur, albeit unpublished playwright. He tweets from @dinstots. |
| Politics › Question For Nairalanders by dinbaba(op): 12:48pm On May 15, 2017 |
Why do the majority of Igbos hate President Muhammadu Buhari so much and even wished him dead? Please reasonable respectful comments needed ONLY! |
| Politics › Re: Dogara Urges FG To Increase Workers Salary by dinbaba(m): 4:03pm On May 01, 2017 |
iluvdonjazzy:PDP and which army "wins 2019"? |
| Politics › Re: Ken Nnamani Leaves A Book Launch Visibly Angry During Argument Over Biafra by dinbaba(m): 9:00am On May 01, 2017*. Modified: 11:14am On May 01, 2017 |
The book Reviewer, Chief Udenta Udenta has aptly summarized the Biafran agitation in these words: "THE NEW BIAFRA IS A BROKEN MEMORIZATION OF A LOST HOPE; IT IS UTOPIAN…" Who is listening? Not the Igbos who are the most sentimental and politically naive ethnic group in Black Africa. A naiveté indeed that made Biafran soldiers march into battle with Federal troops singing christian 'hymns' as they BELIEVED they were the 'Lord's Chosen' fighting the infidels from the North and South-western parts of Nigeria! You can't reason with emotional people. Best to let them out of the Nigerian federation and go have a taste of South Sudan. Period! 2 Likes |
| Christianity Etc › Why Are Christians Holy Only On Sundays? by dinbaba(op): 10:13am On Apr 30, 2017 |
Wheeling and dealing dishonestly from Monday to Friday Clubbing and whoring from Friday to Saturday Front pew seats in church on Sundays.. Why are Nigerian Christians "Holy" only on Sundays? |
| Crime › Re: Wife Battered By Husband In Lagos After She Discovered He's Dating Another Lady by dinbaba(m): 6:45pm On Apr 29, 2017 |
INTROVERT:What was his reply when you threatened him thus with mortal extinction? I'm very interested |
| Jobs/Vacancies › Re: Npower April Stipend Paid by dinbaba(m): 7:15am On Apr 29, 2017 |
smartty68:*borders. |
| Christianity Etc › Re: Church Members Paying Tithes With POS Inside Church (Photos) by dinbaba(m): 9:14pm On Apr 28, 2017 |
napoleon77:Oga, don't obfuscate the matter. Even a blind man sees he meant "ATM card with PoS". Of course you can't use a PoS terminal without an ATM card but you sha wan obfuscate the issue to defend ya greedy pastors Napoleon Bonaparte (your namesake) was a short Frenchman. Maybe that's why your understanding is short too. Literally 1 Like |
| Literature › Re: In Four Sentences, Write A Short Romantic Story. by dinbaba(m): 5:21pm On Apr 27, 2017 |
Their argument continued, till they reached the crossroads "I can't come with you" she cried "You must come with me" he insisted Their lovers' spat was settled by the screeching tyres of a drunk truck driver-who sent them both to the Afterlife |
| Sports › Please Anyone With Info On Peter Anyiolobi, Ex-enyimba FC Striker? by dinbaba(op): 4:19pm On Apr 26, 2017 |
Hello Nairalanders I'm researching for an article on past highest goal scorers in the Nigerian Professional football league and I need information on Peter Anyiolobi, formerly of Enyimba FC of Aba, and the top scorer for the '96 season. I need his (i) bio-data and (ii) file photograph Will be very grateful if anyone can either provide the above or direct me to a link where I can get this. Here's my email: Dinisalive@gmail.com Thanks!!! |
| Nairaland General › My Take On Nairaland by dinbaba(op): 6:18pm On Feb 19, 2017 |
Nairaland is a place where broke Nigerian youths congregate to defend rich 'thieves' in and out of government. 1 Like |
| Politics › Rhapsody Of Reality: A Wailers' Hymn by dinbaba(op): 6:42pm On Feb 10, 2017 |
It is the best of times to be a Nigerian again; Birds turn cartwheels mid flight, a tiny smile breaks flittingly on the stiff upper lip of Mr President; as Mr. Vice President dropped his handset on the side table, his demure and beautiful wife, listening in to the just ended phone exchange between her husband and the Department of State Security (DSS) boss, wordlessly reached out and hugged him with joy unbridled. In her hotel room in the chill of pre-dawn California, a former Minister of Education of the Federal Republic bursts into hymns of Praise to the Almighty who hath made a way when there seems to be none, out of Sambisa. Jubilations rent the air for our girls are back! The Chibok girls, symbols of the legacy of insecurity from our immediate past, are home! Not en masse, but the return of 21 of them is enough to rekindle our flagging hope in this piece of God’s earth. Yes, our girls are back and we are exultant with joy. Even Ayisha Yesufu, that sour-puss, fire-spitting she-dragon that wailers love to like and APC e-rats hate to love, is returning to the fold. Well, hers is a story for another moonlight. The biggest winners in this whole Chibok girls’ abduction saga are the spouses of those #BringBackOurgirls campaigners who’d endured many an evening without them, no thanks to their daily sit outs at Unity Fountain. Full marks for their consistent advocacy, something as evanescent in Nigeria as electricity supply. The APC government dodged a bullet there, for the girls returned in time just when we heard from authoritative but conveniently anonymous sources that the said spouses were planning on starting their own #BringBackOurSpouses campaign. Thank God for little mercies, and no, I’m not talking about Stanley Okoro. You should be happy with the return of these 21 heroines except you are Governor Ayo Fayose, Deji Adeyanju and the Wailing Wailers Association (of which I’m a proud member) who have always insisted that no girls were missing. How can girls be missing when we see our angelic daughters romping in play every day and sleeping sound and safe each night before our eyes? As a tithes-paying member of the Wailers Association, I hitherto hold firmly too, under pains of excommunication, that no girls were missing in Chibok, Konduga, Wareke or anywhere in Nigeria but, ahem, on this one I choose to tread on the path of humanity and join the #BringBackOurGirls people in their joyous celebrations. The Book Haramites, shell-shocked from the constant shellacking they have been receiving from the Nigerian military are finally seeing the folly of their way and have started reading old copies of African Concord, to underline their burgeoning love for western education. See now, they have released 21 of the Chibok girls and this goes to show what sustained aerial bombardments can do to even the most hard-hearted of terrorists. Maybe Vladimir Putin has borrowed a leaf from our military, hence the constant bombardment of Aleppo by Russian jets. Who knows, those Syrian dissidents might decide too, to release the original copy of the Communist Manifesto that has been in their custody since they took over large swathes of Syrian territories from Assad, and supply Putin with the missing piece of the puzzle in his bid to become the 21st Century Fuhrer, Tzar or whatever tickles his armpits. Truth be told and it is galling to admit this as a Wailer but, the Nigerian military has really tried in the fight against insurgency. Granted, the first half of the match belongs to the Book Haramites. Surely you remember now, don’t you, those days when one of the prerequisites to be a Nigerian soldier in the North-East is to be able to perform complex military manoeuvres that involves running, full metal jacket, to the nearest Cameroonian border away from the avenging bearded warriors from Sambisa? Well, the Nigerian military, fresh from the hair-dryer treatment received during half-time from President Muhammadu ‘Ferguson’ Buhari have since emerged from the dugouts, and taken the battle all the way to the opposition penalty box in Sambisa. Its minute 88 of the match and the scoreboard reads 7-1 in favour of the Nigerian Military. There is no way Brazil can overturn a 6-goal deficit against a smooth, motivated and purring German Nigerian machine in the few minutes remaining, plus added time (Kindly replace Brazil with Book Haramites if your football knowledge is limited to Teslim ‘Thunder’ Balogun). It is vexing though when these APC supporters claim it is Buhari’s coming that effectively changed the tide of the counter-insurgency war in the North-east. Who told you? Former President Fortunato Jonathan would have done all these and more, but you were all shouting “Change, Change, Change” like constipated hyenas. Now, where is the Change? Who is laughing now? When last did you eat rice, common rice in your homes? Can you afford it? Rice that was so common during the time of our Hero that it was all but the staple food of the very poor! Who cares if the Book Haramites were trying then to bomb us into oblivion and shrink our territory to the size of Otuoke as long as we can eat rice, Nigerian jollof rice to our fill? This is the price of Impatience and I’m glad we are paying it together. We warned you, Reno Omokri, Femi Fani-Kayode, Doyin Okupe and I; of the fate that awaits you if you voted our Hero out, but you did not listen. The way these APC people made so much song and dance about CHANGE, one thought Nigerians would be given N1million each, on May 29 2015 by the new APC government. All we got was ‘I belong to nobody, I belong to everybody’. LOL. In a land ravaged by economic recession and hunger, we are proud to note that one of our own is presently blazing the path with a state-wide programme of sustainable end to hunger. We implore every APC State governor presently facing challenges of paying workers’ salaries to forget party divide and borrow a leaf from our Patron in the Wailing Wailers Association, Governor Ayo Fayose of Ekiti State. With the full enforcement of the ban on illegal grazing and cattle-herding in the State, and the carte-blanche order to Ekiti indigenes to slaughter, kill and eat any recalcitrant cow caught flouting this law, our dear Governor have just stumbled on the greatest solution to the problem of hunger now ravaging our land. Do not be surprised then if you come across a posse of Ekiti workers on a Monday morning, armed with machetes, cutlass and other cudgels, on the hunt for stray grazing cattle. Until President Muhammadu Buhari releases the 5-month arrears of Statutory Allocations he has withheld from the State on account of our Patron’s hoarse opposition to his government and civil servants paid, Ekiti workers will witch hunt, kill and eat the cattle of Buhari’s Fulani kinsmen. No beef intended. This brings me to the small matter of the DSS raids on some allegedly corrupt judges. As you are well aware, we of the Wailers Association were totally against this unfortunate crackdown on the judiciary. Heck, we are against everything this APC government is doing or intends to do. Period. I have read these APC goons on social media lauding the raids on the judges, and likening it to Hercules cleaning the Augean stables. I laugh in parentheses. Somebody should please tell these APC boys on Twitter, especially ‘Mekunu Twitter lord’ Jagbros or something, to cool down and count his teeth with his tongue. That nocturnal raid on judges by the DSS is an assault on the judiciary and we protest most vehemently against it. Imagine, our honourable judges disrobed and made to appear groggily in their silk grandpa’s boxers in the night. How humiliating! Please don’t ask me where I kept this self-righteous indignation when Justice Ayo Salami was hounded into retirement by our Hero’s government. It was on Sabbatical. My point is, even if these judges are guilty of taking ‘bribes for judgements’, we should not blame them or adopt this irritating sanctimonious attitude. Do you know how hard it is to be a member of the Bench in Nigeria? Do you know how depressing it is to sentence a phone thief to 20 years imprisonment and set free a corrupt politician accused of embezzling billions of Naira? These things have a knock-on effect on the otherwise steely nerves of judges that can only be relieved by periodic injections of Procash, sorry Prozac from willing litigants. Oh, so you do not think our judges should feed fat too like those senators sitting on a N115billion annual budget that despite the #OpenNASS campaign by Seun Onigbinde and his I.T(oo-know) crowd, is as vague and opaque as the numerous interlocutory injunctions from Nigerian courts? I haven’t seen the DSS raiding NASS principal officers in the dead of night, have they? What really is the crime of those judges? That they aspire to fill their judicial robes as portly as those smiling Senators in their agbadas? We should quit the double standards abeg! I pity those APC e-rats celebrating the judges’ arrests like it is the first day of Christmas. You might be next. If you doubt me, ask Abu Siddiqi. This President truly belongs to nobody and we, Wailers and APC supporters alike, must be wary and look out for ourselves lest his anti-corruption bulala lands on our head, just as we are laughing at the contorted agonized faces of the latest victims. The truth of the matter is Nigerians are “fantastically corrupt” as David Cameron puts it in his last private policy statement before #Brexit fantastically dumped him in the dustbins of British political history. All of us are corrupt in Nigeria; men, women and children alike. Corruption is the god we worship, and Bribery is the burnt offering through which we make supplications and render worship. This is what we have been trying to tell President Buhari but we don’t know the right ear to whisper it into yet: you can’t just hoick us out of the worship of a god that we have served so well for the past 50-odd years without replacing it with at least something better. And believe me, nothing tastes better than the mouth-watering, oily, greasy, stomach-distending broth of Corruption. And so while Mr. President and his wife argue wordlessly into the night on what constitutes Change, and Reuben Abati and his demons from Aso Rock continue their merry-go-round in his dreams, let me pour cold water on this notes and see if I can persuade the wife to leave the living room and the re-runs of Lekki Wives she is engrossed in, and join me in the “Other Room”. Winks. Muhammad ‘Din Shehu, is a retired blogger and occasional writer. I sit on a throne on twitter: @dinstots. Follow me blindly |
| Politics › Nairalander Pens A Rejoinder To Professor Pius Adesanmi's Viral Article by dinbaba(op): 12:03pm On Feb 05, 2017 |
PROFESSOR PIUS ADESANMI’S AIR, YOU’RE UNDER ARREST: A REJOINDER [/b]BY [b]MUHAMMAD ‘DIN SHEHU Professor Pius Adesanmi is one of my favourite political commentators. The Diaspora-based linguist never fails to raise a smile out of me with his style of commentary on Nigeria’s oft-times dire political situations. A master of gallow humour, that one. Professor Adesanmi recent article titled ‘Air, You’re Under Arrest’ did not fail to make a similar impact on me as he lucidly presented his support-in his inimitable style- for the much-publicized #IStandWithNigeria proposed protest march championed by singer, Innocent ‘Tuface’ Idibia against perceived bad governance slated for February 6th, 2017. Drawing on classical tales from the Bible, Yoruba, Medieval and Greek mythologies, Professor Adesanmi argued that those who are against the Tuface Idibia-led protest are but engaged in a fruitless quest to catch the Air, as musicians whenever they put on the toga of societal crusaders, “become existential threat to power” because of the powerful weapon that Music represents. Professor Adesanmi concluded quite movingly that any attempt by the President Muhammadu Buhari-led administration to stymie the Idibia Protest negates the very principles of the Nigerian Constitution he swore to govern and abide by on May 29, 2015. Professor Pius Adesanmi’s views on the freedom to lawful protests in a democratic dispensation are unimpeachable. Where I however draw a line of dissent is the obvious manipulation of classical mythologies in the article in order to burnish his narrative. The classical stories of Orpheus and the Pied Piper of Hamelin especially struck a nerve with me because contrary to Professor Adesanmi’s version of these mythological tales, musicians are anything but honourable, selfless and altruistic ‘societal change agents’ as the learned Professor wants us to believe. Here’s Professor Adesanmi’s version of the legend of Orpheus from the article: a fellow called Orpheus became renowned for his musical prowess after being given the gift of a golden lyre and taught how to play it by his father, the Greek god, Apollo. The world obeyed the command of his skills on the lyre; rivers, mountains, animals, humans and stones “all melted when he played the lyre”. Unfortunately, Orpheus lost his wife, Eurydice to an untimely death and he, bowed with grief, decided to travel to Hades (the underworld of Greek mythology) to retrieve his wife from there. Armed with nothing but his lyre, he journeyed there and so charmed the guardians of Hades with his musical skills that he returned from the underworld with his wife. Sweet story, innit? Think again! Here’s the true story of Orpheus as told by the famous Latin Scholar, Sir Thomas Bullfinch in Bullfinch’s Mythology, a collection of classical tales from Greek, Roman and Medieval mythologies: Orpheus was a son of Oeagus, King of Thracia and Calliope, one of the Graces (8 beautiful sisters of Greek mythology). He was taught how to play a magical golden lyre by the god, Apollo who was then wooing one of his mother’s sisters (kinda like the cash gift you give to the nephew of the girl you are ‘toasting’) and he became so good that all of Earth’s creatures were charmed by his music. One day, his wife Eurydice was attacked by a Satyr (forest-bound creatures of Greek mythology, half-man, and half-beast). While trying to escape, she fell into a nest of vipers and suffered a fatal bite to her heel. Overcome with grief at this, Orpheus played such a mournful note on his lyre that all creatures and even the gods wept. On their counsel, Orpheus undertook a journey to Hades and so charmed Cerberus, the three-headed guardian dog of Hades and Persephones, wife of Hades, with his magical lyre that it was agreed that he returned back with Eurydice but on one condition: he should walk in front of Eurydice and never look back until they reach the upper world. As soon as he reached the upper world, Orpheus turned to look at her and she vanished-this time forever. Impetuous musician, in his haste to set things right, Orpheus forgot that he was not to look back until they were both in the upper world! Was Orpheus a hero? No, according to Plato. Yes, the same Plato. He believed Orpheus was a coward who instead of choosing to die in order to be with his “beloveth” rather mocked the gods by trying to go to Hades to wangle a deal with the gods through his lyre. Many classical scholars like Plato believed his love was never true as he never wanted to “die for love”. This story is particularly allegorical of the Convener of the proposed protest march that has all but sent Professor Adesanmi spiralling down the mythological stairways-Tuface Idibia. Many opponents of the protest accused Tuface, like Orpheus, of not being a true patriot or lover of his country. They ask: why did Tuface Idibia not #StandWithNigeria when the thieving club of kleptomaniacs had Nigeria against the wall, and repeatedly raped her commonwealth to the tune of N17trillion (or $20billion if you are of the Emir Lamido Sanusi School of Missing Oil Money)? That’s just from 2010-2014. They ask: didn’t Tuface Idibia; male, Nigerian and musician, on the day of his wedding to one Annie Macaulay; female, Nigerian and actress, received numerous cash and car gifts from these set of people who’d plundered our foreign reserve and all but left us fiscally incapable of weathering the harsh storm of economic recession? They wonder if Tuface is not to Nigeria what Orpheus was to Eurydice: a fair weather lover, one who would rather play sad notes on his lyre instead of joining his beloveth to make something better in the Hades his former ‘friends’ left Nigerians in. Again, Professor Pius Adesanmi of learned memory alluded to the classical tale of the Pied Piper of Hamelin to illustrate the “invincibility” the Muses automatically bestow upon Tuface idibia and other musicians turned-social crusaders. Really, really? Prof? Here is the Professor’s version again: in 13th Century Germany, the people of a small village called Hamelin were suffering from a plague of rats. Along came a musician who promised, for a fee, to rid the town of rats with his flute. The Pied Piper with some magical notes from his flute succeeded in the task but later exacted a terrible vengeance on the town for refusing to pay him the agreed compensation. Awww. This, however, is the real story: in 1284, a town called Hamelin was besieged by a plague of rats. A musician (the Pied Piper) swung into town and promised to set poor Hamelin free from the rats, for a fee. With his pipe, he led the rats away from the town to drown in a nearby river. Deed done, the townspeople refused to pay the Pied Piper (sounds familiar MMM subscribers, huh?). The Town’s Mayor even went as far as accusing the Pied Piper of causing the infestation in the first place in order to profit therefrom. Long convoluted story short, the piper in a fit of righteous hissy exacted revenge on Hamelin-by leading all but three of the town’s children with his flute, to drown in the same river that did in the rats. Evil, right? Doesn’t exactly fit the narrative of the musician as a selfless, patriotic citizen, does it? Once more, this classical tale seems to tally with the arguments of those who are opposed to the Idibia Protest. They wonder if, as being alleged, Mr. Innocent Idibia is not just throwing a hissy fit with the #IStandWithNigeria protest ala Pied Piper of Hamelin because his access to the town’s government patronage has been blocked by a no-nonsense Change administration with no time or inclination to indulge the airy frivolities of musicians and actors. The claim by Professor Adesanmi that Music –citing the documentary Amandla as evidence- was responsible for the fall of the Apartheid regime in South Africa to me was just the last straw. Haba Prof, joor o! That is nothing short of stretching the narrative too far! On that score though, I forgive the Prof; after all, myths and legends such as the ones copiously alluded to by Professor Adesanmi in his piece, are all about stretching the limit of the human imagination. However, Truth must out… Contrary to the Prof’s assertion that Music was the chief weapon used to defeat Apartheid, it is historically and factually true that the blood, sweat and sacrifices of the late Steve Biko, Walter Sisulu, Oliver Tambo, Archbishop Desmond Tutu and the father of them all, Nelson Rohilahla Mandela, Madiba of blessed memory; with the support of equity-loving humans the world over, brought down the curtains on Apartheid in South Africa-all these while Miriam Makeba, Hugh Masakela, Yvonne ‘Chaka Chaka’ and others were singing, dancing and cavorting freely all over the world in the name of music. Innocent ‘Tuface’ Idibia has every right to protest his angst and frustration against this government. Others also reserve the right to criticize and oppose the planned protest. These I understand. What I won’t stand is Professor Pius Adesanmi- who I have nothing but unending reverence for- cleverly manipulating classical mythology, quite wilfully and deliberately, to validate his narrative. I grew up reading Bullfinch’s Mythology and with all due respect, I refuse to allow my head to be shaved by Professor Adesanmi or anybody else, all in the name of “informed opinion”. After all, I finish school. Muhammad ‘Din Shehu is an occasional writer from Kogi State. Follow on Twitter: @dinstots |
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