₦airaland Forum

jify:
I need matured advice. (Long read)

My husband has become like a thorn in my flesh.

When we got married, we were sharing responsibilities and financial contribution like 60:40; I take the bulk because I earn more. The goal was that I would support until it gets to a point where he was earning more to take up more responsibility. I don’t complain about money, if I asks and he says he doesn’t have, I don’t ask again. Over time, I don’t ask, he just uses his initiative to drop whatever he has. Whether its N60k or 90k per 3 months as income increases, I don’t bother.

He gives me issues on money problem, he wants us to save jointly, I refused. The reason for this is because in the course of this marriage journey, we have both really hurt each other. I am not the type that talks too much, but when he gets me angry, I would vomit words that is unpalatable as a result of piled up anger. When he starts with his arguments, most times I go silent. But he starts poking me to talk. In some cases, I tell him that if I open my mouth to talk, he would not like what would come out of it, but then he starts dragging me on the cloth, leg or anywhere he can grab me saying I must say what is on my mind, just so I would respond. Sometimes he starts to insult my parents, siblings, etc.

He looks for every reason to quarrel. If I tell him that I am very tired and not in the mood for sex, the next day, he would wait till 6.25am and tell me that henceforth I have to start prepping the children for school, I leave for work by 6.30am. Meanwhile I have been up since 4am, cooking and arranging the children’s things. My kids stay for afterschool and so I have to cook what they would eat till evening. Then later in the evening, he would tell me he wants sex. Truth be told and I think he also knows that sex is more of a moral obligation for me, so that he won’t have something to accuse me of. During sex, I remember all the hurtful words and messages he has sent to me while in the office, and I just can’t wait for it to end.

In May this year, he told me that because my brother told him 3 years ago, that he doesn’t know why I am still with him, that I should have left as I can take care of myself and don’t need him, therefore he would no longer contribute money for food. I said nothing. Since that time I have been taking care of feeding. Before now I do part feeding, children’s school, children’s lesson, children transport to school, cleaner, hospital bills, etc. He takes care of rent and electricity. At some point, I was doing electricity and lawma but I had to stylishly push that to him.

I don’t have a problem if we share these things with mutual agreement, but each time we have an argument, he reneges and uses the kids to start punishing me, putting my job in jeopardy, insulting my parents as much as picking up the phone to insult my mother just to make me react, locks me outside when I tell him that the decision he took on something has caused an issue. These days I don’t express my feelings about anything, whether I like it or not, because if I say I am not happy with how things are, I would most likely get a call in the office and if I don’t respond because I know it is to harass me and mess up with my mental state, when I get back from work, the doors would be locked since he comes before me.

I have begged to hire a nanny (I would pay for it and he knows that); all I need was approval, but it has been denied. I begged for 3 years to have someone come in to clean the house on weekends. He is the one doing it but the complaint was too much. Eventually he agreed to have someone come in on weekends, but if we have disagreements (not quarrel o), he would stop the person from coming, so that I would do it myself.

My family don’t like him, I have been told several times to leave him. But he is an amazing father, my children adore their dad and love him. Leaving him would also affect them, but my mental state is in tatters.

I am a very private person but since I married him, he has reported me to every pastor I know, and when I am asked and I lay my own side of the story, he quarrels with the pastors for not taking sides with him and we have to change church. I have told him that if he reports me to anyone, I won’t honour it because it’s become one too many. Are we the only ones who cannot seem to manage our problems? And I am done hopping from one church to the other.

His family members have waded in, and he gives me like one month and we are back to square one. I am tired and frustrated. I told him all I wanted from him was peace of mind. My mother’s mantra raising us was if your husband does not do it, then you do it. Don’t wait for any man to do anything for you. As girls, we were not raised to be dependent. My mother hates it. So we don’t usually ask husbands for money, we expect that husbands would do what is right and if they don’t, we take it up and do it.

So I don’t wait for him to do anything, I do it or provide the money to do it, and I have told him I won’t enter into a joint savings with him where he has the full control. This year alone, I have been locked out of the house up to 6 times, if I save money with him, it means when he locks the door, I would be stranded.

Please how do I navigate this? When he locked me out of the house 3 years ago, I had to rent a place to stay. Mind you, the house we live in now, was the house I rented when I left because it was far better than our previous accommodation. For almost one year I was away with the children, he didn’t pay them any visits, didn’t ask to see them, occasionally he calls to talk to them, but he didn’t see them, and my kids were broken. They need that stability and I am so afraid of denying them that fatherly love (maybe because I lacked it in my childhood and it affected me badly). The only thing holding me here is my children. But God knows I am tired, frustrated, bitterness is growing in me at a rapid rate.

And you say he is an amazing father...

Sorry OP

But I think you need a brain reset

You need to be strong to move on with the kids and your life

This world won't end o

@ OP I had initially seen your thread where you lined up 9 cars asking for opinions

Now I can see that you have gotten a car... Although risky...

Just stand strong and firm till November

Availability of their parts nko

This baba agbaaya just talks too much

Wetin Bayo go talk before... Uncle agbaaya... Slowly killing the country

Where person dey see BBL of one million naira sef

She should have known that na fake BBL o

Person wey APC dey prepare to receive am now in physical so that everyone knows that he is a full member of APC

First protect Remi first

Postgraduate review topic don ready

Who will do it

The dilemma of stomach infrastructure on man: A review on Reno Omokri

The one for South West nko I wan check something

onome25:
Very very good question
Now let me reply U
...........
........

U: To which school
Me: To audio school of stealing🤣🤣🤣

😂 😂 😂

What are the differences between the pictures here and the one in the former thread...

The one wrapped up I think


Why didn't you just update the former thread..

You are part of the problem in Nigeria

Na your type go become governor tomorrow and you begin to do new projects here and there without ascertaining what has been done before ... First term no go do you.. longer throat go do you second term and you will continue to run it the same

These are the kind of things you see this Ben having information on already... When it comes to robberies, killings and even extortion he and his Oga at the top (Baba Ire o) never have anything to say

Kwarrupt fuulsss

Yes o especially those that collected urgent 2k that time

Awọn alaraka

Whatever works for una

Do

It ain't none of our business

Show us the dirty part

Exousiang01:
But truly she no fine na.
Just paint job for face and big nyash for back na....

I don't know why people cannot accept that a spade is a spade...

💯

When I first saw this video two days ago... The first thing that came to my mind was.. she no even fine sef

Na soso make up

Most Nigerian celebrities have low self esteem

All these royal fathers are also part of our problem

Please ask them if any of their children are in Nigeria experiencing the wrath of Tpain

Ask them if they will allow any of their children to marry into a nobody family

iamtoofan:
yiiimu dont mind dem, ! naa when you need there help you go know their real story

e like say stingyness dey adaptation course for uk .. even yahoo boiz avoid UK client

😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😆😆😆😆😆😆

Stale news


They are prepping Gbaja to be the next Gov of Lagos State

Oghene86:
This is so low of Wike because he lost he will burn down the state shame on him

Shameless politician

Finally o



My plot of land

Na wa o

It is well

Prepare spiritually

Shebi this na south west

Come and hear curses being laid down for the Ogun one

The man that dyes his beards with salaries

Switch it on


Reason for sale

These politicians actually think they are doing Nigerians a favor

Obviously he don send am like 50 million naira

Nigerians nko


😂 😂 😂