₦airaland Forum

No matter how much I trust my man, In such situation I wouldnt stay relaxed. I think he should first think of you, if it makes you uncomfortable he should then stop. It doesnt mean to change his personality, but to respect his woman's feelings.


What I would do is:

1. "Keep ur enemies close". If they are just friends and she has another man I would defo invite/meet them all just to see what is this lady made of. Trust me, once you see her - you will understand if you need to be worried or not. I mean you can tell from her actions, tones, eyes etc etc if she is an evil and after her X. I would call such type "passive agressive".

2. If it doesnt happen, talk to him abd let him know you are not happy with this (bo ultimatum - dont push him to her). If she has plans to get him back then she is trying to create issues by "innocent" friendship. Dont give her what she wants.

3. Work on urself, ur look, the way u treat him, sex life, mutual activities etc. i mean just in case if she is trying to steal ur man - work on keeping him by making ur relations stronger. He probably tells her too about your relations , esp if you have misundedstandings. Again dont give her what she wants in case if its like that.

4. If you feel he is "going away" let him go. He was never yours.

Hope this helps

@Mindfulness


Thank you very much for understanding my situation! I know where I am wrong. Your initial message made me think a lot about my life, I felt a bit relieved because it made me look at the situation from a different angle. It changed my view to some things and definitely helping me right now.

Kimoni and others, whoever is a master of judging someone else, like you guys are complete innocent and/or has better morals then people around the World have.


I do concure, that you guys are probably someones wives who is deep inside kinda worried that your husbands will run away from you before you even know it. I dont wish that, i pretty much dont give a flying damn.


What im trying to say is, dont you ever be so sure of your loved ones. Marriage is 24/7 work during the whole life together. Dont get relaxed after the marriage paper, nor after you've got mutual kids. There are so many families broken after 20, 30, 50 years marriage. Sometimes divorce IS a better solution for both, for kids rather then endless fights in front of the kids. Such relations are unhealthy and will defo effecf kids one day. People do mistakes, everyone does. The most important thing is to LEARN from it. I did learn from my mistakes, however I don't wish to give up just like that on my happiness. I will fight for it! Let it be on someones else's expense, like some people say here. But hey, i didnt knock on his door to destroy his family. If he had a happy married life he would of never cheat on his wife even for 1 night stand and would of NEVER have relations aside.


He came to me, yes i knew his marriage status. My mistake is that I was not strong enough to say NO to myself, i fell in love and let the feelings flow, i let him win me.


There are too many things involved to let it go now, there is NO WAY i would give up on him just like that. And i know i will win him.


I dont hate his wife, I wish she will find her happiness too, i will accept his kids in our house, he already introduced me to one of his sons. In fact, I would want him and his current wife will have friendly relations for their kids and i wont be again to have good relations with her too. But it wont be easy for her.

To someone who was so idiot to say that husband is a property - no one ows anything to anyone. Even spouses can fall in love with other people. This is not something you can control. No spouse ows endless love. No spouse HAS to love till the end of his/her life. NO ONE OWS ANYONE! No human can be someone else's property ever! Just an FYI

Anyways, thanks everyone for ur "support". It didnt change a thing in my plans, in fact, made me wanna be happy even more! ))))))))

Kimoni:
@ frommena - I am not really sure where to start with you because you have touched on so many points and your mindset obviously has not changed, you still don't understand where you went wrong and if opportunity presents itself, you will break another home, and another and another...shame

The man is definitely not blameless, infact, he gets the bulk of the blame cuz he is the one that has allegiance to the wife and not you, however, he is not here so we can't blame him, hopefully, he will aslo get served in due time.

Next, whether he is happy with his wife or not is totally not your business and it is no justification whatsoever for you to get involved with a man who is still married to his wife. Are you his night nurse, marriage counsellor or homebreaker? what exactly is your role? The latter looks more like it. Because he told you he was not happy, your role was to finish the little affection or love he still had for his family and win him to your side...hmnnn...so now that he has been with you for 4 yrs like you said, is he happy now? Your post says no. So why hasn't he broken up with you? Smell the coffee my dear - you are just his past time, a stress reliever, an object of casual getaway...but too bad, you are not even performing that role, and that happiness he was seeking eludes both of you. it's a loss-loss situation for you.

Agreed, he is one hell of a selfish and self-centered human but people like you have made it easy for him to eat his cake and have it cuz his wishes are your command, you are at his beck and call, he is your paymaster

And pls stop emphasizing on the wife's fault, she is not your business. She owes you nothing and you are not in any position to analyze her weaknesses. Leave that for the man that married her. Look inwards and see the truckload of wrongs you have done. Access yourself and make amends. That's the only way to rediscover your worth and happiness. It cannot be found by stylishly running the wife or his marriage down. Afterall, you have been an enabler in making their marriage go from bad to worse. And yet you seek happiness Which side??

Deal with yourself. Their marriage, their lovelife, their business. Go find yours!

No one is judging her, im thinking of the whole situation where she is in too.

The society and morals are on ligal wife's side. And it is normal. I am not asking anyone to be on my side and I don't even hope that situation like mine will stop women to fall in love with married men. This is just life and men will have another woman on a side and keep torchering both women.

It may sound strange or wrong but I really hate when a woman tries to destroy someone's built family. In my story there is no justification but explanation why im in this shoe right now. I can see from most of the post that people are attacking, blaming ME and not a single reply was blaming HIM! I really dont care when people judge me, because I know myself where Im wrong and where Im right. I believe both people are responsible for the situation. Moreover, it is obvious he is not /was not happy with his wife either, this is something between them.

It is just sad to see that people dont even understand that HE IS doing wrong both women: his wife and the woman he lives with. As if it is OK for a man to cheat on his wife and live with someone, not just dating outside!

Its not about what people think of ME, but what they think about this situation where all three of us have own faults & mistakes, including his wife! Man who is happy in his marriage won't have another woman in his life. Having 23, 32, 50 years or the whole life together does NOT mean people are in love or happy there! Unfortunatelly there are many couples who get married without love for different reasons and yet they last for a long time.

And to compare my quick decision and action to divorce with his decision on the same are not relavant for the simple fact that this person has already 2 kids and built family where mine was easier to stop just the new relations. A man as a responsible provider, a man who loves his kids cannot dump his family just like that. Some people prepare the base and everything else to make sure his kids are not just abounded and will still have great relations with their father after he divorces their mom. Im not trying to justify him in someones or my own eyes.

We are together since 4 years ago. Yes it is already long enough time for him to be ready for divorce. But these 4 years are not just happy 4 years together. We have been going through a lot during this time. And I must confess that I understand why he doesnt trust me and could be afraid of being cheated by me, although I dont think nor accept that I cheated on him coz I started the relations with my x husband when my man was with his wife on vacation and we were not together for 11 months or so.

It is also a known fact that people sometimes don't see the symptomps of NO LOVE just because they DONT WANT to see it. And I could be one of them, however on the other hand i ask myself: If he doesnt love me, doesnt want me in his life why not to break with me? It is much easier then divorcing his wife as we are not married, no responsibilities are involved, no mutuak kids. It is really easy to get rid of me, just by walking away and never turn back.

- Why then he would stay with me until now and when we have issues and fights?

- Why wouldnt he take advantage of my marriage and get rid of me back then?

- why to keep me by his side until now?

- why to give my daughter his name and he offered it on his own

It could be alsi because he feels guilty for letting me divorce my x husband and take away a father from my child. Also, I completely financially depend on him and maybe he is waiting until i can start working once my child can go to kindergarden.

I mean there are different answeres in my mind to think he loves me or he doesnt. This is why Im very confused.

Please dont just say anything without knowing many details to the story above and try to avoid insolting others when Im sure none of you here is innocent and live the "proper" life. My difference is that I know my mistakes, my bad decisions and all. I accept that and now running away from it

EfemenaXY:
She shouldn't be seeking Joy, Happiness, and Pleasure at the expense of others. She'll only be "happy" if she succeeds in breaking up that man's home.

@Frommena: You should know that a man would say anything to get between your legs and the classic I'm having issues with my wife...my wife doesn't understand me...I'm going to get a divorce from her are all classical, but tired old lines aimed at the gullible.

m

Do you really think he was with me just to get between my legs? I know for fact that he loved me and not because of his words but his actions too. And I also know for fact that it was ME who ruined his trust by texting to my X bf (and nothing more).

What I actually want to understand is if he really loves and want to be with me..

Mindfulness:
@Frommena

I believe that you need to work on yourself before you can fix a relationship or build a healthy relationship in the first place.

You were jumping from man to man, marrying, having a baby, divorcing, having another baby for a married man, thinking of the next marriage etc.

It seems that you are not able to be alone and happy. If you can't be alone and happy, you won't be in ANY relationship.

Sort yourself out FIRST and everything else will follow and fall into place.

I am sure this is not the kind of advice you came here for but there is no way you can save this relationship and become happy if you do not take PROPER care of yourself FIRST.

Thank you for the advice!

Yes i am afraid and dont want to be alone. And i dont handle break up very well.

I should of expect these kind of "advices" just because he is married.

I just wanted to let you know, that I did not come to his life to break his family. When he started approcaching me he told me he had issues with his wife, he doesnt love her and is planning to divorce. My mistake is that I believed him. I would never want to be on her shoes (if my husband works abroad and live with another woman). But he has been assuring me all this time, more over, my divorce was not just my decision, what i mean to say is that: he wanted to stop me from getting maried, later on he pushed me for it swearing and promising many things including divorce.

So, yeah, I should of wait until he divorces his wife rather then start any relations. But i didnt, i made a mistake and now it is too complicated, many things and feelings are involved to just walk away from him.

Hi All!
This is my first time I seek an advice online.
I hope i can find some answers here.
My situation is very complicated but i will try to make it clear.

I live with a man I've met 4 years ago. He was married and had 2 kids and I knew it from the beginning. But him & I started to love each other. More over he was telling me that he doesnt love his wife etc. I then was still talking to my X boyfriend who was living in a different country (not far) because deep inside i was not trusting that the married man would ever divorse. So he found out on my fone i was talking to my x and it cracked his trust big time.

He couldnt forgive me that, and told me he doesnt want me anymore. For almost 11 months i was hoping, begging him to get back to me but he was clear he doesnt want me, he cant forgive me and he will stay with his family. So right before he went to visit his wife and kids to his home country (we are both expats in the middle east where we've met), he told that we can try again, but i didnt feel it was sincere. I thought he said it so Im not hurt while he is there with his wife & kids. While he was away with his family i completely lost my hope that he will get back to me and i got involved with another man, and got pregnant. I was so hurt and wanted to start ny life without the man i love & forget him.

Upon his return I was not pregnant yet but got pregnant in less then a month and as a solution i got married with the man i was pregnant from. The man I love had to move to another country where i was supposed to live with my husband and he brought his family wife & kids. But while i was married we never stop talking. We would miss each other, yet fight a lot, blame each other for the situation wevwere in etc he asked me to get back to him and that he would give his name to my child. I filed a divorce after 2 months of my marriage and divorced and he promissed me he would do the same. It all happened pretty quick by the way in 6 months period. Since the time he webt to his country when u gkt involved with another man and to the time i filed a divorce it took 6 monnths only.

He sent his family back home in 3 months, i gave birth and as he promised he gave his name to my child. We started to live together. But it was not a happy life: there were moments when he would none stop blame me, question me about many details etc because he wouldnt understand how was i able tocheat on him and get pregnant etc?

It has been 2 years since im divorced, he is still married. Yes he had 2 kids and it is more complicated for him to divorce then it was for me. Like he says i need to get things situated and everything right before i file divorce. But in 6 months after my divorce he filed legal separation with his wife and i saw that paper. He said that court will still give him time to save his family because thet were married over 23 years and have 2 kids. With legal separation should not take long time.

We didnt have problems in sex life but for the last maybe 6 months or so we have it very rearly. I dont and he doesnt try making love. In fact sorry for being so open, but there were few times he went soft while we were making love. It worried me and he said it is because he still holds ab anger towards me, and my past eats him inside.

He stop asking me things about my past since a year ago but i just came to visit my mom to another country and he started to talk about my past again, again questions and again blaming. He saif because by wuestioining him i open up my past. He does not believe me that i did not enjoy sex with my x husband. And he says im a liar and i need to close that chapter by being honest with him about it. But every time i would tell the truth about something i would regret big time because he would blame me for that every chance he has!

Today he said he cant take it anymore, he has no feelings yet very angry with me. I must confess that recently i was not paying much attention to him, and he wasnt either. I would be jelouse yes, because living with a married man is not easy at all. Your mind is not settled, always in fear. He hates it when i question him when im jelouse, he thinks i have no right to question because i messed up the whole situation by getting involved with another man, getting pregnant etc

He has no trust at all. But i also think he maybe doesnt want to divorce OR has another woman he likes/involved with. He said Im an idiot that I dont understand him etc.

Im so confused, hurt and i cant go through another break with him. Yes i didnt fulfill my promise to fix issues but i wanted it both ways although he doesnt think so bcoz I was the one who cheated on him and he never had sex with his wife or another woman since he met me.


I hope to find an advice here on HOW to save my relations with him as i do not, do not want to loose him at all!

Thank you in advance.