A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"

Jane, a class one pupil brought home an asignment to the father for help. The assignment was 2+1=? and the father told her the answer is 14. The child sent the work to school the next day and the teacher corrected her that the correct answer is 3.

Jane came back home and informed the father of the answer the teacher gave as 3. Listen to what the father said.

Father:"Ah ok. During our school days 2+1 was 14 but if they have changed the syllabus, I can't tell. Ah but these Education Service people , if they want to change the syllabus, they have to announce it so that we can be aware of the new. ones"

A village school teacher expected a visit from the local education officer so He prepared his class one pupils for the occasion. When the e.o. arrived in The class room, the teacher said, 'class, stand up, what are you doing?'
The reply from the pupils was, 'we are standng up'.
The teacher then said 'class, sit down, what are you doing?'
'We are sitting down', relpied the pupils.
The answers looked too rehearsed to the e.o. so he said, 'hands up, what are You doing?'
Little was his surprise when the pupils answered, ' we are handsing up'.

Two football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking an important exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was "fill in the blank" and the last question read, "Old MacDonald had a_____." Bubba was stumped -- he had no idea what to answer, but he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.
Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny in the shoulder. "Tiny, what's the answer to the last question?" Tiny laughed, then looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed. He turned to Bubba and said, "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows that Old MacDonald had a FARM."
"Oh yeah," said Bubba, "I remember now." he picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. Then he stopped. Tapping Tiny on the shoulder, he whispered,
"Tiny, how do you spell farm?"
"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy," hissed Tiny, "farm is spelled 'E-I-E-I-O'."

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, and with them are their nine children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they discover it to be overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able board the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk to town.

After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking noise the stick makes as the blind man taps it on the sidewalk and says to him: "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy! "

The blind man replies:"If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up!

Exams question: Draw the female reproduction organ.
As the exam was on-going, a girl looked between her legs. A boy saw her and shouted "Sir, she's copying from the original."

I did not come to England to take pictures of Big Ben or tour London Bridge. I just wanted to get paid and get even with those colonials. With a name like Ogundele Kayode Omobrukutu, I could not even buy a bus pass let alone open a bank account. This is my story,
It took me 6 months to study the system, but I still could not figure out my squares and circus's. I could not travel from Leicester Circus to Oxford Square without getting lost. I was a YMCA (Young Money Chasing African) when I joined the FRAUD (Fine Rich Africans United in Deals). It took me 3 months to attain my ACCA (Advanced Certificate for Criminal Africans) and I needed an MBA (Major Bank Account) to do my first HND (Heavy Nigerian Deal). I arranged to meet this guy at Animal and Something, I mean Elephant and Castle. We were suppose to meet at 10.00am. I got there at 11.30am and he turned up at 1.30pm. He pulled up in a Mercedes 500SL with a private number plate - 419 ADE. He was a definite Nigerian, he had it all - leather jacket in summer, air condition on full blast with his roof and windows down whilst smoking cigar and choking on his smoke just to impress me.

Being a fellow Nigerian I was more than impressed. He introduced himself as Adepujo Kunle Babatunde and asked me to call him Ade or Babs. He spoke with a strong Nigerian accent but he messed the whole language up by slanging - he sounded like a Canadian born Chinese living in Germany and studying French. I had not been in the country for long but I could tell that Omo(my man) was trying hard to be British. After hanging with Ade for about 2 months I became an OBE (Opportunist Bank Employee) and specialised in BBC (Breaking Bank Codes). Money was flowing and I wanted more so I did my PhD (Passport Handling Degree) and became an FBI (Fraudster Bringing Immigrants). My status changed drastically, , I had a BMW 328is convertible and a Porsche 911 with a private plate - 911 OMO and living in a council flat and signing on.

I went to Moonlighting every Friday and drank champagne and danced to music supplied by DJ Pace and Skills. I became foolish - I remember one night I spent over a 1000 pounds on just champagne at the club and had no money for petrol so I walked home. My downfall, Greed and selfishness inevitably led to my downfall - I got involved with a CIA (Cash Investing Agent) and we did a couple of GMTs (Good Money Transfers) but he later turned out to be a CID (Cop in Disguise). I was under surveillance and I did not even know. I left the NHS (Nigerian Housing Scheme) early that morning with about 12 different cheque books to go and do my business. They followed me unto the high road and it was then it hit me that something was wrong. I could not leave all that evidence in my car so I started chewing my cheque books. I ate 8 before they pulled me over.

They read me my rights and all that crap and all I could say was - OGA, water please!

There were three men living together in London. An Afro-American, a West Indian and a Nigerian. They were all starving because they didn't have money to buy food. However upon coming close to a posh London restaurant in this classy neighbourhood, they decided to come up with a plan.
The Afro-American went in first. After being seated, he ordered a three course meal with white wine. When he had finished the meal, the waiter came by with the bill.
"LISTEN MY MAN, I ALREADY PAID YOU!" - the Afro-American shouted! The waiter was very confused because he could not remember being paid. But because he did not want to cause any trouble, he let the brother leave.

Five minutes later, the West Indian walked into the same restaurant and ordered a five course meal with red wine. When he was finished eating, the waiter came by to collect the money for the food. "HEY, HEY, LOOK AT ME CROSSES. BUT AH PAID YOU ALREADY!" - the West Indian shouted. This time the manager came and had to calm down the West Indian, because he did not want anything to upset the other customers. He let the guy go.

Ten minutes later, the Nigerian walked in. And you know how we are. He sat down. Lit up a cigarette, and ordered the most expensive meal on the menu, plus two bottles of Guinness. After he had finished, the waiter came to collect the money for the meal, But before the Nigerian could say anything, the waiter spoke to him .
"Sir, I have been having all sorts of problems all day and I can't understand it. Two other people like you came in earlier and ate, and they say that they paid me but I don't remember getting any money from them so, "
Before he could finish, the Nigerian interrupted, rather emphatically, "OGA I SORRY FOR YOU OOOO. BUT DAT NA YOUR PROBLEM. I JUST WANT YOU TO GIVE ME MY CHANGE!!"

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."

After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?"

"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause.

"Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?"

A man was going around 1.00am alone in his car and got to a checkpoint.
The police man stopped him and asked for everything which he gave out. The police had nothing to ask again, in order to charge him, guess what the police man said;

"I charge you for driving alone at this time of the day, if you come get accident now who go tell your people ?"

The man replied: I'm not alone, Jesus Christ is with me here, Angel Gabriel, Angel Rapheal, Angel Micheal and five angels are with me here.

The police man said: "All these people inside this your small car ? I charge you for overloading.

The man replied: Massa, they are just here in spirit

"Spirit? Apeteshie or Pito? I now charge you with Driving Under the influence and overloading."

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"No!", the man shouted, "This is her husband!".

Two men were having a conversation.
A: "My ears got burnt!"
B: "How did that happen?"
A: "You see, I was ironing and the phone rang and instead of picking up the phone
I picked up the iron."
B: "So how did the second one get burnt"?
A: "The person called back."

Electric Chair
Four Ghanaians commit an offense. They were given four types of the death penalty options to choose from: Electric chair, Firing squad, Hanging, or HIV INJECTION.
On the fateful day, the 4 Ghanaians went straight to the Executioner to get killed.

The Ewe man chose the electric chair; and boom he was gone!

The Ga man chose the firing squad. A shot was fired, and boom he was gone.

The Fante man was lifted by the Executioner of the stool and boom he was gone!

Asante man walked confidently to the Executioner and selected the HIV INJECTION option. They injected a bottle of the deadly virus into his veins. And off he goes! He walks confidently to his cell and tells his cell mates, pointing at the Executioners:

"Nkwaseafuor, wommo nnim seh meshe condom!" Which literally means those Stupid people, they don't know that I'm wearing a condom

lololol thats so funny!!!