₦airaland Forum

chaircover:
God will hear your prayer regarding a job & your business. It is well
My dear just relax. Dont let anyone give you HBP, God forbid if your enemy dies, life goes on, so please take care of yourself. Emotional distress eventually affects ones health
Also please be very prayerful. There is nothing that God cant do & some of these battles are won on ones knees
Go through everyones advise again and pick the ones that you havent already done and you feel may work. Continue to be positive. It is well sis.

Thank you sisi CC

Godmystrength:
so i should be doing my prayers on my own without his knowledge or what?

The kind of prayers you need to pray. U don't need him in the know. Cos when you are calling on God to deal with the situation, if he is guilty he might feel the prayer is too strong. So you should rather pray it alone.

chaircover:
God will hear your prayer regarding a job & your business. It is well
My dear just relax. Dont let anyone give you HBP, God forbid if your enemy dies, life goes on, so please take care of yourself. Emotional distress eventually affects ones health
Also please be very prayerful. There is nothing that God cant do & some of these battles are won on ones knees
Go through everyones advise again and pick the ones that you havent already done and you feel may work. Continue to be positive. It is well sis.

Thank you sisi CC, prayers is what have kept me this far. As early part of the marriage, I was depressed and I felt I had made a mistake. But as times goes on, I am determined to make it work.

I know one day I will look back and laugh at all these. Thank you so much I really appreciate.

jaybee3:
How about you lock the money on a monthly basis into TBills or fixed deposit where he won't readily have access to it.

I'm sorry, you will only have yourself to blame at the end of the day if you don't take drastic actions.

Do you guys have a budget plan?

What kind of financial arrangements do you guys have, does he take care of all household bills and feeding or you have a sharing formula?

I thought the joint account would help but when I insisted that the account have a purpose. He said the account will be for anything when I insisted that joint account isn't run that way. He never shared my view so I pulled out and he collected all the money thought it wasn't much.

We don't have any fix deposit anywhere unless he has that I don't know. No budget plan o. Spend as it comes.

He brings 100% for now for bills n other things though I was supporting when I was working and still support if I get little money.

The only drastic action for me now is to get a job as I have already mapped out saving plans for myself and my children. Since my little business hasn't started yielding income

moca:
This is really deep @ godismystrength.

Can u do any other thing than paid employement?
Anything at all?

Gosh, i wish u had money on u,u need to spoil urself bad. Vacation outside or in d country will be in other.

Pls try looking for job or what to do as one that depends only on herself.

When u start doing as u want with ur money, he complains, then he can sit down for d talk.
At times one need to do the opposite for d head to reset.
Damn!

Moca if your questions are directed at me. Yes I can do other things apart from paid employment. I am presently learning a skill and also advancing in my education by running a programme. I have never depended on his money. I have always worked before I got married and even after I got married. So taking care of myself was never a problem. I just want him to plan for his nuclear family.

Sorry dear no money for outside vacation now. I am still looking for a job seriously. And I know soon favour will locate me.

jaybee3:
You’re welcome
I’m kind of worried that you seem to have ready answers for things. Don’t you think second-guessing possible outcomes might actually stop you from taking measurable steps in solving all these problems?

Yes your husband is probably a crafty old fox but if he loves you as in genuine love then he will listen as well as willing to try


I sort of expect you to steer the communication along these lines:

Baby, do you realise that I’m now only able to sleep 4 hours daily just because I’m consistently worried that you my husband is probably counselling some other girls about their relationship problems. Effect of this inadequate sleep is that the quality of my work is now being noticeably under par. I wouldn't want to lose my job because of these worries that you can help put a stop to by firm positive actions from you.

Baby, I’m now consistently worrying about money and future of our kids due to your inconsiderate generosity. As much as I want you to help, I sincerely think you are exposing us your family to some financial difficulties that if not taken care of will implode in our faces.



Baby, I’m happy to be called selfish if my primary concern and responsibility is to provide some sort of financial assurance for us going forward. I’m not asking you to stop helping, I’m only asking you to set aside a fixed amount of money every single month that all your planned charitable donations will have to come out from.
This is not asking for too much my love cos at the end of the day, these people will survive if we didn't have money to give them so why should we displease ourselves to please others



You are not taking him off his gadget. You are only insisting on him creating Me time for you. If he loves you then he shouldn't have a problem with that.
Your Me time could be an hour or even 30 minutes. He needs to be able to realise the impact of these distractions on his family


No point making plans if you going to turn back and dance to his tune. Your marriage is a partnership and you also have a say on how it’s run. You need to start seeing yourself as a co-driver rather than a mere passenger.
Absolutely nothing wrong in saying NO if and when he comes back asking for more money

Sorry if I might have ready answers but I am actually giving you back his answers to most points I have raised.

That is my problem, I don't really think he really loves me the way I have loved him. Cos if he did he would have been able to truly understand the way I feel.

Jaybee if you try not even being able to sleep thing. He will tell you that because sleep isn't catching you. Or rather is it the one he will see you turning on bed or even crying. Yet he will just ignore you and sleep off.

How many times haven't I talked about money and the future of the kids. His reply is that they will be well taken care of. Ask me o whether he sees the future. He just have to do these things now.

I tell him to put aside some money every month. His reply will be that I am not in tuned with reality. That I can't I see that what he has can barely handle issues on ground not to talk of setting aside for savings. So what I do now is that if I see any small investment I try to cajole him sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't

It isn't about being a passenger, sometimes due to my nature. I tend to let things slide now cos I just want peace. I think that was my undoing cos I let love blind my eyes to some realities on ground. So if you insist he shouldn't touch the money will only bring more resentment from him. Since he insist he will pay back, I always let him win.

jaybee3:
It's very simple. she needs to do the following without nagging and probably in the middle of the night:

1) Reiterate how the impact of his actions is putting strain on both the relationship and the family finance

2) Present verifiable proof of how lack of funds has impacted on some key activities or family life

3) Proffer solutions such as:
- Increase in daily family time - This will slowly force him off that bbm/nairaland
- Opening a joint account that you both can save money into every month - He won't dare take money from the account to buy hair for other girls

4) Reassure him that even though your preference is that he didn't have that many female friends, that you understand and in order for things to work as smoothly as it can be, he needs to make sure he doesn't ignore these concerns of yours

Jaybee thank you. You have raised valid points and I will give you answers to them. We have talked about these things at every point. Night day or even after a hit steamy sex.

Point number 1 his answer will be that you are the one putting yourself through a lot of stress that you don't have anything to worry about. But will I be worried if you are talking with one chic for a month and later I get to see that money is exchanging hand.

Point 2 his reply will be that because of the little money he gives out will make you not to save or invest. You must be a selfish woman and want to have it all.

Point 3 you want to kill him by taking him off his gadget. He is addicted to nairaland and other forums. I don't have issues with that but please it is the balance we quarrel about. So me don learn well well. Nairaland na my second home now.

Joint account? We tried and it isn't working. Cos when he has expended his own money finish. The next place to come borrow na the joint account to take care of siblings fees or extended family feeding. Me no go fit say no cos he says na borrow but he hasn't returned one. So no more contributing to it. I keep my kobo else where.

Point 4 if you keep on saying that na trouble u dey find o. You want to be "me and my husband wife" which needs sef. He will ask you weda you are hungry. Your needs can wait o. People needs to be taken care of.

chaircover:
GoodheartforGod please lets talk
I took interest in your issue becasue In a way I Understand where you are coming from
My husband is a people person too and He is the only one in the world who I have met whose phone address memory became full
Sometimes I actually feel sorry for him, cos he is pulled left and right, up and down.

Sometimes I feel that kilode gan, they should all leave this man alone jare. But I see the joy it gives him. I see the content on his face when he has spoken to another waring couple and they have decided to give it another go. I know how happy he is when a situation that looked not doable suddenly becomes done after he has got involved.

Will some people both male and female try and play fast ones? Yes they will, but he will just have to learn from it. I also beleive and I trust in his judgement and integrity.

When he does talk about things, I listen, even if I am not that interested in that person, because I want him to know that he can talk to me and confide in me about anything.
From time to time I also drop advise. Sometimes he will say he wasnt even thinking along those lines and he shifts base, but what I am saying is that the guy needs to be able to feel comfortable enough with you to be able to see your advise as genuine and not think becasue you are jealous or just want to shut down his friendships and control him.

dont get me wrong; its easier said than done especially when the opposite sex is involved and some people clearly just dont know how to respect other peoples marriages which is just too bad, but this is the man that you married and this is somethng that you are both just going to have to compromise on. I dont want you getting down over this issue.

Some he comes to ask me before he gives and I just tell him to go ahead. Because before he comes to ask you he has already made up his mind. So whether you agree or you don't agree he will go ahead and do it without your knowledge. So even if I give my own advise, I will still leave it to him to take the final decision.

For giving to the girls or some friends, he won't tell you na when he knows you have some need. After repeated asking that he should let me know he doesn't know I might even want to add. . Me I dey pray make God open his eyes to see some of these people mean no good.

chaircover:
LOL sisi ni o
I read the bit about brazillian
I also assume that he also sends money to other people who need genuine assistance too; not because they are women but because he just genuingly wants to help.
I didnt see the bit about where do we meet
I am a little insomiac at the minute and tend to sometimes scan through posts and threads

if he is having affiars with these women, then it is a different ball game altogether, but I somehow didnt "grab" the poster saying this.
Please correct me if I am wrong.

I read him to be someone who has inapproriate "relationships" with the other sex, and he needs to be careful, but I dont think that at the stage they are it can be forced out of him, it may be easier all round if its coaxed out of him. He has been doing this from before they are married. its not a new hobby/habit. It will take that bit longer to get rid of it.

For now I leave it on inappropriate relationship with opposite sex. I don't think they may be having affairs o at least I can't honestly say that he might not be tempted. But if at all he has had or he is having I can't honestly say.

He sends money to people with genuine needs also abi I think so.

Like you have said, at this stage it can't be forced out of him. So I think it is a gradual process. Lets hope with time sha.

chaircover:
LOL if only you know how much I dislike the madam thing
I prefer sisi CC

Never mind. I like the madam

chaircover:
Where is he meeting these women? and what kinds of financial help is he rendering
Maybe its time to start diverting those extra funds
Does he have a project that he is working on?
Maybe its time to start one.

chaircover:
Where is he meeting these women? and what kinds of financial help is he rendering
Maybe its time to start diverting those extra funds
Does he have a project that he is working on?
Maybe its time to start one.

Sisi CC honestly he can meet this women anywhere. Colleagues, neighbors, eatery, etc. I mean anywhere. A girl can just give him bull and crap stories and he will fall for it. Abi that is what I guess. CC how will I start diverting the money that I don't have access to. His money is already planned for and you can't just convince him sometimes to do something without him reminding you that what he has it isn't enough. Most of his money goes on helping whether siblings, extended family or otherwise.

Phema:
@bolded; Now, that is one mentality I can not stand. So, somethings are wrong when a woman does them, but are not when it's a man ekwa?

And by the way, how come it's mostly women he helps? Are there not guys/men that need emotional, psychological and financial support? Abeg, truth be told, this one pass "kindness".

Unfortunately, I no get better advice. The small one wey I get fit break home. So follow CC's advice. E go hard for me to follow sha

Sweetie how body na. Thank you jare. I don't tolerate such man ego talk o. I might just keep quiet for the sake of peace. But if I see that you don't like that peace, I will state my mind and tell you how it is. After all if you wanted a woman that will say yes sir to everything you say. There were village girls but so far you ended up with educated woman that knows her left from right. You can't always have your way.

The only reason am keeping quiet about this one sometimes is for my inner peace. But when I have the time to lecture him about how marriage to me is a partnership and mutual respect. After all being a man should even give you immunity to pains na.

Abeg dearie bring the advise o.

Phema him dey help guys too. But not as the frequency of helping girls. Woman matter him dey find man and woman inequality, but when it comes to my money na that time my hubby dey know say woman and man na equal o. Chai chai chai.

chaircover:
LOL at burning furnace Sis your advise is good and you may not know this, but I have learnt quite a few things from you.

In reality Some things work for some people and some things dont. Some men need to be TOLD, some need to be ASKED and some just need to be IGNORED so the poster may need to mix and match some advise to suit her own situation.

If only you know how difficult it is for some people to close pot of soup or rice when they finish dishing, yet they refuse to let you dish their food. . . ive Told, Asked and am on Ignoring phase now.

Madam CC you are right. Different people with different habits. I guessed sometimes that ignoring mood is the best for some people. Thank you ma for your advise I really appreciate.

@hispinkolo madam CC is just like a big aunty to some of us small girls in marriage. When someone comes to post something, I actually hang around to check for the advise she ll give. She is blessed and we are happy to have her. I am more of a silent reader that hardly contribute. But I have learnt a lot from her.

Abali1:
Nne calm down. You raised good points even though you were angry.
Yes, am newlywed, but we were able to trash most of these points before being wedded. Infact most of those "friends" where surprised at me getting married when I did. I practically disappeared from their cycle. And wifey did help me to see things from her angle. COMMUNICATION.
.
It took effort on both our parts to make it work. At a time during the courtship period, she lost TRUST in me, so I have to build it up again. How? By making sure that anytime am at home, wifey has my phone. So if you call, its most likely that you will be speaking with her first. (She is not an internet person). Gradually, the Trust came back.
.
Since she said that he checks on her (let me say monitor her), she should just mirror his habit. REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY. Chat with your friends both male and female, but make sure you delete those chats (I will add, copy the chats first). Make calls to some unknown numbers (it could be to your relations, but delete their contacts first from your phone) talk and laugh out loud. After the calls, just wear a satisfied look.
When mirroring his habits, make sure you hold your emotions to check. ( Nobody likes being ignored). When he sees that you are making effort to ignore him, I bet you he will want to TALK. Then, you can let him see reasons with you.
@hispinkolo, I didn't change overnight. Yes deep down I am still "the Counselor". But wifey knows all the story behind any "counselling" and she advices me accordingly.
NB
These are the matters that should have been trashed out during courtship.

Happy married life. Thank God that after the years of your search for someone with different genotype, it finally paid off. I am so happy for you.

You have actually tried in building that trust back it shows you are a sensible man that wants the best for your woman. My hubby will not give you his phone to browse or hold. After all what do u need his phone for? You have a phone na. And there are other tabs in the house na.

Yes I have used that reverse psychology on him and I have used it to discuss but he will always turn it on you that want to drag position with him. I don't know where being a man gives you the audacity to hurt my feelings when you can't stand being hurt by a woman. For me now. I dey find friends too o. Maybe it will help from detaching myself from him.

Kimoni:
@ goodheart4God - once you have convinced yourself he is not having affairs with these women, which to me is really why I would be bothered about these relationships, then pls make yourself happy. Do things that make you happy and ignore this aspect of him. If deleting chats is not you and brings you no joy, then don't, if it gives you satisfaction(it would surely give me some good satisfaction) then go ahead and do it. In essence, I am asking you to take charge of your happiness and don't let his actions dictate your mood. And try not to bother about how much he is giving out, getting your own job and earning your pay would help a great deal in doing achieving this.

I know a lot of what I have written is easier said than done but hey, you've talked, begged, cried and all has not helped so take some time off and face yourself.

Well I try to give him that benefit of doubt o but my sweet it is only God that knows the heart of a man. I had started taking charge of my happiness for some time now. Knowing he isnt capable of making me happy as he has chosen to be there for every woman. I don't even bother how much he gives out again. Just praying every day for God to give me another job. Yes as you have sometimes it is easy to say but not easy to practise that is why I still get to feel like this sometimes. But kudos to myself, I am much better than those years. Now can I see when can we meet text from one of the ladies and I ignore it. Just pretend I didn't see it.

hispinkolo:
Haaaaaa!! You tried red eye approach and it didn't work?
Nawa ya OOO,your hubby na strong man!
I hope someone comes up with something you haven't tried before cos this one don pass me
Sorry dear,I'm happy you can even smile in the midst of all these.

I have tried and it works small but he will simply pull back knowing that you want to make him jealous. Sha I know sometimes it gets to him. That is when you see him complaining of the floor, the dusty window or why the food is taking longer to be saved.

Me just feel he is the kind of man that wants to have it all. Enjoy the things that comes with singlehood and still want to have the best of marriage.

@zemaye thank you. Yea I have actually concluded on some things. Just for my inner peace. Abi is it not the best way to live long? Just that sometimes it gets to me like now. But all in all over the years, I have learnt to overlook. But you know that greedy part of life na. Girl you could have had a better man. A man that will forsake all others and be with you. But we all know sometimes life doesn't turn out to be the way we planned.

@hispinkolo yea I was working before I lost the job. I am still looking out for another one. I don't slack sometimes in being fashionable though I might not be that crazy in fashion.

Yea am doing a lot that is keeping me busy. If not I would have lost my mind. My motto is so far you are married to this man. Idleness isn't your portion. If idleness is your portion you might die of depression.

Thanks girl, I feel better talking to you guys.

hispinkolo:
Fynbabe,
Oya open mouth swallow rice


Goodheart4God,
Come and collect e-hug,you sound like you need it
Soo sorry for all your pain and stress.I'm sure it's difficult to live thru years of Ngozi and Caro.The main issue is that he's always been this way and you knew.So truly,it's either you do something drastic,you press ignore button or keep praying.
You have said we should not mention communication because you've tried it for years and it still hasn't worked.I will respect that and maybe suggest the alternative and that is meeting fire for fire.

Some people do not learn unless they have a taste of their own medicine.Please bear in mind that what I'm saying is what I would do if my husband is acting like yours despite trying to communicate and talk.Also bear in mind that your Dh and mine probably have different characters.
First,I'd talk and warn about the dangers of over friendliness.I believe many men claim they don't know how to bat away unwanted attention from different woman,they claim they don't want to be rude or hurt them.Some even go to the extent of displeasing you the good wife at home so they can keep appearing saintly,lovely and kind to outsiders.I've given an example of one grasshopper that wanted to turn Dh into gym instructor for no just cause and he was doing sme sme till my eyes turned blood red.When I finally saw her,kaiiii..funny enough it's even those chicks that we under estimate that are the real dangerous ones.I don't blame her sef,it's Dh that was playing mr nice guy

Anyways,if my talking doesn't work,I will begin to chat and erase as well & I'll make sure he knows it's exactly what I'm doing..What's the worst that can happen?? Will you be a hypocrite and turn round to harass me when you are doing the same thing? My sister,my blood de hot o so I won't even standby and let him disturb me when I'm merely following my leader.And I will tell him exactly that in my ogbanje voice.

He's saying you want to control him? That's a way to guilt you and get you off his back.Reverse psychology at its best.Dh has done that phase naww..Because I asked him one time why he called a particular person,instead of answering the question,he started singing control,policing.I said okayyyyy from today,I won't go near your phone and don't you dare smell mine too.I'm madam phone activity,people always calling me up and down.Before one week,he claimed he just said it cos I pushed him to the wall,that there's nothing like privacy in this house,bla bla(I just laughed my spiritual laugh)..

My dear,you know your hubby and what to do to gain his attention.DO IT.If it's painting your lips red,start it.If it's changing your whole underwear stash,do it.What is it that you can do that pains him?Do it with wicked glee ,Let him realise that you are human too and not a sponge that just absorbs hurt.Find that BUTTON and squeeze it till he can't take it.Or are you afraid?Sister,change your wardrobe,do new hair,find a new hobby that takes you out of the house,find a new game on your phone,pay attention to that phone like your life depends on it.While you're at it,have se x with him 1 week straight,everyday like you are possessed. .After each shagging session,warn him to stop chAtting with those chicks.He will sit up.( my point is do something out of character).

I don't know about you,but I have purposed that no man will give me unnecessary wrinkles,high bp or send me to an early grave.I'd rather send you off there first.Children are so in tune with Mommys mood.So they'll know you as a miserable cat?always moody? No way oo. It's good to love oo but when the love becomes wicked,self preservation should kick in.
All these I'd do if it's my husband.If you cannot follow through with the hard method,you know the usual..watch and prayyyy.
Me,I believe in action!

Do not let anyone keep you in misery!

NB..Please make sure you always get tested..just to be sure.I just don't know why sometimes it's the people we love that hurt us so deeply?

Sweetie pie. So sorry for quoting a whole of these. When I replied you the last one. I never saw these. I kept on laughing. Because I have done some of the things you have suggested. I have actually chatted with my female friends and deleted. My dear all hell was let loose. Why must you delete it. What are you deleting it? He can't stand it o. He will say you are contesting manhood with him. That a man and a woman aren't equal. So literally what he is saying is that you can't do the things he does cos you are a woman. He has the right to call and delete cos he is a man and you can't cos you are a woman. Because I have really asked him severally that if I were to be the one doing what he is doing. Will he take it? His answer will be that you don't know you are a woman.

Like you say, when he complains I simply reply that I am learning from the master. After all, I am a good follower na. But most times I don't really enjoy pay back, but sometimes I like it when I have been on my phone all evening. And you drop your phone only to see him scrambling to read all your chats. And if he is sure you have deleted. You get to be asked who were you chatting with that you have cleared it now. Don't forget that 4 years long the line. He will be always make references to the chat you cleared. To show you that he was greatly pained. Yet stop doing to me na. Mbanu.

@hispinkolo thank you my sis for coming to my rescue. I thought at a point in time. I was the one with the problem that couldn't understand the need for these "friends". To be fair to him, he has some genuine ones that even wants to be your friends at a point in time. You can feel it from a woman angle that these ones means well and I don't ever complain about those ones.

I don't understand how people wants to get married and still want to live life like a single person. Knowing that someone else is in your life. Your most obligations is for your spouse first before every other person.

Is it not an irony that he can keep chains of opposite sex yet my female friends are scrutinized.

pieces2:
Goodheart follow CC's advice and if like u said u have done all that and its not working then its time for a heart to heart talk. Seat with him and tell him how his actions and what his doing makes you feel and what its doing to your marriage. Pour out your heart to him and b4 you do this pray to God to give him a listening hear cos na only God fit change man heart. I feel your pain wish you all the best....

Sis thank you, have communicated severally. In the past have cried am even tired of crying. I do actually pray for him and I know God is working on him. It is just that after several communications, telling him not to clear calls or chat logs if nuffin is going on meets deaf ear. You call a lady everyday for long hours yet u guys aren't running biz or ain't in a project team together. Or the ladies that you are sending money to get to fix human hair yet your wife is still fixing synthetic. Kai there is God o.

Abali1:
I can actually relate with your hubby. I am very sure that before he got married to you, he must have believed that "yes this is the woman who understand me". But unfortunately like most women out there, you thought "he will change and be mine and mine alone."
My dear it's very possible for him to be yours and yours alone, if you will continue accepting him the way he was before he married. By that I mean accepting the fact that your hubby loves helping people, he feels other people's pain and he feels thasentiment.
ounselling them, giving those in need money he will at least put a smile in someone's face.
Madam, like CC said, open those communication channels. If your hubby is anything like me, he will equally open up on his "relationship" with these "women friends". By opening up communication channels, I dont mean criticize him or put him in the defensive. Get him to tell you about each and everyone of these friends. Then in communicating with him, get him to see your own point of view. Get him to understand that these women may not have pure heart the same way he has.
I am not saying he will stop, but he will come around to being more careful around those women, and the ones who have hidden agenda will walk off . THE TRUTH IS, HE IS DELETING THOSE CHATS BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT YOUR IMAGINATIONS TO KEEP RUNNING WILD.

Thank you Abali1 you have said most of the things I have said. I am not a kind of woman that is stingy and doesn't want him to give. If I were to be that I wouldn't be with him cos he is a giver and I have come to understand that with him. I give people too but my problem is that he doesn't seems to see that some of these people are coming because of what they feel he can always give them cos he has a good. I don't want him to change from being who he is. I just want him to know when to draw the line.

About open communication, that is actually where the major problem is. He doesn't carry me along. He doesn't explain these relationships, even if they are speaking every day. He feels he doesn't owe you any explanation by coming to tell you about this. He has this mentalily that he is entitled to his friends and he doesn't need to come and explain who these women are. He says he can give anybody money at any point in time without having to consult me. From my opinion, I feel we ain't stable financially yet and we can't afford to spend base on sentiment. Getting to talk about those women, he doesn't and if you ask he will just give you a vague answer like she is fine.

On telling him he can't trust those women. Don't even go there. He trust the women more than you. Cos he feels you are complaining cos you don't like them. To him none of them comes for anything just pure friendship and it is you that don't understand that people can just be friends. Yes I agree people can be friends but as a woman I just see that some of them means no good.

I guess him deleting it doesn't want me to feel bad about but I will prefer he leaves them. I thrive more on openness than secrecy. All these if you have one single mail friend. He will go to any length to scrutinize him.

chaircover:
In fairness to your husband, he has always been like that and nothing has really changed. . . .You changed the goal posts and you are asking him to change something very fundamental to him

The blunt truth is that you are not going to be able to to totally change him. You may only be able to meet each other in the middle somewhere. So for example you can reach an agreement that he lets you know the people he is sending money to and he does not have an affiar with any of these people no matter how much they push.

Already he is deleting chats, and he is always going to try to be one step ahead of you and find ways to hoodwink you. Personally I think that its even better that you know what is going on so at least you can advise, and gently pull back when he is going off on a tangent. So basically you need to get those lines of communication open, becasue with or without your knowing he will still do what he does.

Dont let him see you as the "enemy" or you further push him away. Make him a friend as well as a husband. Let him see that you are as interesting as all his other friends too. Subtly take up as much of his time as you can. You are his wife so you should know how to do that. also show interest in some of his friends and conversations so you are aware of the situation. Also when the so called female friends know that his wife is in the know of all their chats, they will back off too and he no longer as attractive to them.

I know all this may sound the opposite of what you are expecting to hear, but I tell you something, its not every fight you win with gra gra. In this case how many times do you want to shout? Its an ongoing issue. He will always meet new people even if he gets rid of the old ones. You need to sit yourself firmly down in his mind and heart and the only way to get in there is by subtly putting yourself there and letting him see that you are on his side and so important to him that he wouldnt want to do anything to loose you.

Its not an immediate instant thing. It takes time and it sometimes means that you look like a mugu but you are actually playing your cards right. The last thing you want is for your man to fear you cos one day one day he can/will call your bluff. A man should naturally feel that he cant live without you. Let him reach that realization himself rather than you forcing it upon him. I hope this has been a bit helpful to you.

All the best.

Thank you CC I have done most of what you have advised. He tells me he can't tell me who and who he is sending money to because I might not understand the motive behind it. So that one is totally out of it as he hasn't shift ground on that. Some of these women are aware that I am aware of their closeness. They have resorted to not calling when they presumed he is at home. There are some that I wouldn't even have bothered myself but when money started exchanging hands. When I can barely live a comfortable life yet he is doing philanthropy, it is so annoying.

I am not a boring person but is just that sometimes I prefer to leave him let him have space. Let him not feel that I don't have what to do with my time.

I think we just have a different ideology of how life should be and how marriage should be. I think now I understand that it is better to choose base on realities than choosing base on emotions. I guess loving someone is not a guarantee that they will love you back. Because if you like displease yourself to please them. They will always see that other people that are important to them.

Just need to find ways to be happy. Guess just ignoring isn't enough.

FynBabe:
You have done everything and there's still no change? My dear, you no go comot mind make you get rest of mind! (That is, if you are sure he doesn't sleep with them o). Maybe there's really nothing to worry about like he said. I know its difficult to just ignore him while he carries on but what else can you do? Maybe you should still talk to him about it. I don't even know what else to say but I think taking your mind off it will do you a lot of good. Na wa o! Make person no come die on top husband matter abeg.

That is what I am doing now but I feel it won't help the marriage as I get to resent him sometimes for not really understanding the way I feel. Yet if I chat with any female friend and clears it. He will almost threaten to break my phone. I can't talk to him again as I have talked for several years but just making him more discreet.

Just looking for ways I can love him no more or love him less. Years of agony. If it isn't Grace today it will be miracle tomorrow. Some of these women have span for more years I have known him.

Hello my beloved. I have been a keen follower of this thread from page1 till now. I have somethings bothering me about my hubby. I have found a way to deal with it but I still find it depressing some times.

My hubby is a very friendly person, every where he goes he makes a lot of friends both male and female. My problem is that he doesn't know when to draw the line between this women. He can turn a career counsellor, relationship counsellor, etc. So when he spends time with this women by either calls or chats or physically seeing. This women gets to fall in love and he doesn't know how to tell them off. Cos I feel his nature is that he doesn't want to hurt them. So he rather hurts me than telling them off. Money exchanges hand between this women, recharged cards are sent. I have repeatedly talked to him about all these. But he makes me feel as if I don't want him to keep friends. So he resorted to deleting their call logs and chat logs now.

I feel depressed when I see these things and is like there is no change in sight. He doesn't believe my school of thought that close female friends and ex should be left behind. He believes that once friends are always friends. I love him but this his attitude is making me to kill every form of feelings for him cos I don't want to be hurt anymore. This is affecting my feelings towards sex with him as I get to fantasize about the relationship I had before I married him when making love to him.

He was like this when we were dating but people kept saying that he will change when we are married. During marriage now, he has become discreet about it. No one should even suggest communication cos I have done my best but he seems to think that I want to control him. So I am not talking about it again but I am dying in silence.

Adufemi my love, my sweetheart and my world. I don't know you but I am grieved by what you have passed through because of love. I wouldn't say I have passed through half of what you have passed through. But at least I have known what it is love someone without being loved in return.

I have been there, you do these things thinking it will make him love you but the more you do it the more he resents you. People have said a lot and there are so many good advise. So pick from it and apply it. Love yourself, I feel you should try temporary separation if you could. But if you can't, you have to learn how to ignore. I won't say it is easy, cos there are times you will break down and cry and you will talk to yourself and you will go and beg him all over.

From my own experience, it doesn't work. The more you cry the more it resents them. Hubby has told me before that am insecure, clingy and don't want him to have fun. You don't want to leave because of the ex, God forbid you dropped death today. The ex will pack in the next moment and maltreat those kids you are staying for.

Stop begging, stop crying, stop spending your money in the house. Let him cater for almost everything since he has money to throw around. Some people will say I am wicked but dear from my experience, you can't plan finances with a man that isn't planning with you. Save for the future, love that isn't reciprocated dies.

Today I was about posting on how I could stay away from being hurt after all the money, emotions I have invested in my marriage. Yet still see that hubby is still keeping in touch with exes, and one keeps asking for money. New girls that he still gives money. All these gets to me once in a while, but I looked back and say with all I have learnt here. Nuffin new that I will be told but ignore. So I am learning to ignore and be happy. Even in the face of me not having money again, I want to love myself and ignore.

Sorry for the long epistle.

What is it with him and fair ladies?

baralatie: i cant write the numerous acct i av seen;my co-worker,my friends,y much older ppl that are close to me.if i should tel what my eye saw?aaah!the pain al parties went thro?
Som of tie wives decided to give theiv own dose-the result were a disaster.1 husband died of heartatack,my co worker nearly lost his for two weeks(thank God he&his wife are now reunited)i can stil others.
I pray that God wil give u peace of mind in ur relationship

Please write let everybody learn from it jare. Most men can't stand that cheating stuff from the wife.

[quote author=Efemena_xy]Na wa o!

It's painful reading that!

How do you cope? Does he not care how you feel at all? [/quote]Well God has been my strength not to loose, I wake up every morning talking to myself that you are a queen and you can't allow any man control your happiness. We used to talk a lot about it and sometimes he would apologize and promised to deal with it. But for where, you know that "dealing with it'' is to become more discreet so that you wouldn't suspect. Goes back to the way it was. So later I just got tired of talking about it because he feels am unreasonable to complain, because to him nothing is going on with the girls. They are just friends so I should live with it. Some humans are just wicked.

Ujujoan: If he was so smart he won't be creeping around now would he

Protection could fail you know . . . Just do the tests to be on the safe side, what do you have to lose

Don't be one of the statistics . . .

Uju I bet you am fine and I do my checks, like I said he is smart I don't think he wants to die now. So he knows he should use protection.

Abali1: Why will I swear for you? I have come to accept that it's a dog eat dog 'relationship' world. I have been there, believe me.
I have been good and was hurt. I tried being bad, and couldn't. I went back to be good and was hurt severly again, and again and again.
Do you know that at each end of a relationship journey, I will call the lady on phone and pray for her to find the peace and happiness that she seeks. Early this year, I actually invited the last one and ask her to kneel while we pray. Cos I know that relationship journey is not always easy.
The funny thing is that all, even the married Ex, wants to keep being friends. I may sound like a bad boy, but..........
NB
I think I have found the one, but I am afraid to believe and trust again.

Please sit back and enjoy the relationship if she is the one. Don't use the sins of Abraham to punish the Isaac's. If she hasn't given you the reason to doubt her trust. Let go of the past and be happy here again. I wish you all the best. Please do invite me to the wedding. I show love some partying.

Ujujoan: Seriously, did you just say that

I wonder what we'll say to women who got married as virgins . . . is it also cool for them to 'rock life well' while married

Uju please ask him o, some people will always want to garnish wrong things.

Donxavier: It is well. I only wonder if everybody walks out of a relationship at the slightest hints of flirtation, how many people would be married today? With respect to the OP case, I feel the dude didn't go thru the phase of chasing girls and having fun before eventually settling down. He didn't 'rock life well'. His own is just probably starting and it will all pass in due course.

Donxavier, you wouldn't understand because you may not have been there before. What is the used in life when you have one life to live and you are not happy you are living. Some people can't just stand the heartache so they leave. Human should be treated with dignity. If the OP sister's fiance feels he still has life to enjoy, he shouldn't have asked for commitment. My grouse is that you are not ready to forsake all others and cleave to her yet you carry your two left leg and go to the woman's village and introduce yourself that you want to marry their daughter. People should be emotionally ready before committing other people to your lifestyle.

Donxavier: Sis,
He's going through a phase and it will pass in due course. I still believe a heart to heart discussion will resolve this matter. Exing him immediately shouldn't be the first course of action.

Sometimes you can't have a heart to heart discussion with some one with a mindset. If a man has a mindset that what he is doing is right. What kind of heart to heart discussion will solve the mentality? Well like you say it is a phase, I hope women are allowed to have that kind of phase.

Abali1: Abeg helep me 'axe' them ohh.

My only prayer for you that whatsoever you wished your girlfriends or wife-to-be to accept, may God give her the same heart to start doing what you are doing and give you the love with full portion to accept them. Amen. Before you swear for me just say Amen. I am just giggling as am typing this.

baralatie: i understand what u going through!dont mind ppl like 'abali & co'.
Pls calm down!
Be rest assure ur soln is on the way!

I believe one day he will get tired of all these. Abali is just suffering from heartache because of what girls have done to him in the past. He feels by living that kind of life he is protecting his heart from being broken again. I must tell him that he is just disturbing himself because if he doesn't let go of the past hurt and treat his new relationship the way it is. He will keep on having women cheating on him because of his lifestyle. It isn't every woman that knows how to wind, some simply ignore and starts cheating. I can bet my life that women are the smartest cheat ever. Men don't just know that.

Ujujoan: Please don't neglect regular STD test . . let him also go for them. Health is wealth . .

It's well!

Uju I believe he is a smart man who wouldn't want to expose his life STD so I guess he would be using protection.

Like aunty CC said we are wired to be jealous. And if you love someone , you should care that someone else is coming to your territory. I don't know anyone that will wake up and accept someone cheating on him/her when he/she isn't cheating. Even if the person is cheating he/she wouldn't accept being cheated on.

Like I said before it is emotionally draining to have a guy that is busy flirting with all sorts of girls online. And even worst that the chats are being deleted and call logs are never kept. How can one breeds trust in such relationship? We shouldn't condone what is morally wrong, No matter the likes of how Abail1 wants to garnish it. What is wrong is wrong, he has been hurt severally so is that the reason to bring the poor girl and suffer her? If you can't forgive and let go of all the hurts then don't go into another relationship. I personally won't treat my hubby bad because I had been hurt in the past. I will focus on my marriage.

I have advised the girl to walk away from that relationship because the heartache isn't worth it. No matter the love and care and buying things in her name. No amount of sleepless night that will cover up for the happiness. I am in it and I can tell you categorically that the reason some of us stayed was fear of unknown and listening to advise that he would change. "When he marries you, he will know he is a married man so he will stop" That is the lie from pit of hell.

I have lost count of how many sleepless night I have because hubby is chatting with some girl and u ain't seeing the call log. Or he says he is going here and you get to realize that is the same some girl that he went to see. Don't let anybody deceive you, some usually moves from there. Before you know money will be exchanging hands and sex will be involved. They hide under the umbrella of just friends to commit adultery/fornication. It is not worth it and I will advise any girl that sees such signs should walk away. These are signs that the person never really loved you and maybe you are the virtuous woman he looks for. So he isn't perfect but looking for the perfect person.

I always asked one question, the men that condone this kind of habit. If the table were turned, will he accept this from his girl? In my own case, if I chat with someone for so long and immediately I abandon my phone, if you see the speed hubby will be scrolling to see who you are chatting with.

Most of them can't tolerate it and the men are usually the one that can't condone quarter of what they want the women to condone. As for me, I have resolved not to let it bother me again. Any day I get it up to my throat, I pick up my bag and take a walk. I am not in that category of better for worst o. I don't want to die early and I wouldn't want to spend my entire life with a man that doesn't appreciate such a rare gem as me. I end my case.

Nashville: Thanks for sharing this post! The bolded is classic!

I wish she listens.