₦airaland Forum

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[color=#000000] "No be here! No be here!! No be here!!!" He shouted, frantically waving his hands to reduce the impact of the punches coming his way from the window. For a while I was dazed by how quickly it all happened and didn't do anything. But then it occurred to me that if I did nothing to reduce the fists coming in through the window, it might get to me too.
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This is a true life story that happened many months back while on our way to NYSC orientation camp in Jalingo , Taraba state, from Ibadan. It happened somewhere in Kogi state. Enjoy

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Some hours earlier, the 18 seater bus was bubbling. Majority of the bus' occupants were soon to become Corps Members and being fresh graduates, we had a lot to discuss. Our topics ranged from exams to schools, jobs, marriage, Nigerian economy, politics, music and even folklore and myths. Our mouths were engaged for hours. When long hours of sitting however began to take its toll on us, the bus gradually grew silent. The chuckles, jesting, coaxing and debates stopped and many eyelids gradually closed.

I was dozing off too when the blaring of horns jerked me awake. The driver of our bus was hitting his horns real hard and one after the other we woke up to see the reason for the persistent blaring.

The driver of the car in front of our bus, obviously a 'trouble-finder' , was driving really slowly but he had his car positioned in such a way that no other vehicle could overtake him. He drove right in the middle of the lane.

Now that provided us a good enough reason to open our buccal cavities and you can be sure that many mouths expressed their displeasure by shouting and cursing.

"This man dey mad?!" The Alfa beside me said.
"He must be drunk", a lady said from behind.
"No, I think he is just looking for trouble ni." I said, "...what's he trying to prove sef?!"
"Make this man comot for road na"
"Driver, abeg find a way to pass this side." the guy seated in the front seat said.


Our bus driver kept blaring his horns and many were shouting too. The bus was alive again. When the man decided to end his pranks and keep to his left, our driver quickly grabbed the opportunity and overtook the car. But that is not the crux of the story!

As our bus sped past, some people opened up the windows. They saw it as their opportunity to also rain insults on the car driver.
"Waka!"
"You don tire?"
"Your Father!" ... and many obscenities!
Then someone placed the icing on the cake!

It was the Alfa beside me; He opened the window, conjured up the mucus from his throat and spat on the car!

YEAH! HE DID THAT!

...and before you could say "jack in the pot", the car came from behind overtook us and pulled up in front of our bus forcing us to a halt!

Gbam! The occupants of the car alighted; four rough looking men. They descended on our bus like a pack of wolf, searching for the person who spat on them.
'Who spit?' Who spit?' They were asking with anger.

You need to see how calm Alfa became! He acted like nothing happened.

The men knew it wasn't the driver so they moved to the next window. They were deceived by the false innocence on Alfa's face, so they moved to the next window. On seeing ladies by the window on that row, they assumed it was surely the guy seated in the next row.

They forced open the window and tried to punch him. The guy impulsively cried out in pidgin english,
'No be here!..No be here! Oga, no be here!'

I guess they must have believed his innocence because they immediately left his side and returned to the Alfa seated beside me. Alfa still maintained his false composure and didn't expect the 'coming of the punch' that landed on his head!

By the time more fists descended on Alfa's head, he also cried out,
"No be here! No be here!... ani No be here!!!"

He was frantically waving his hands to reduce the impact of the punches coming his way while also trying to close the window. I looked on for a while, still a little bit amazed. Then it dawned on me that if those fists continued unabated, I might partake of the overflow too. So I joined his struggle.
All the while, Alfa continued screaming, "No be here!... Ani No be here!!!"

We eventually pushed out their hands and locked the window, accidentally injuring one of them.

Then our bus driver came to our rescue, he spoke in their native dialect and begged them on our behalf. He told we were just Corpers annoyed by the previous action of the car driver. Maybe it was because he told them we were Corpers (aka Federal Goverqnment's property) that made them leave us, I dunno! But we didn't know what to expect next, after all, one of us just trespassed in another man's land!

Thank God they sha left us.

However, hours after leaving that spot, Alfa remained the topic for discussion. We couldn't stop laughing! He became the parable of a troublemaker that went in search of trouble but had no 'liver' to defend himself when the trouble came.
Our journey switched from boring to funny cos everyone had something to contribute to the topic, even the gentle man among us who slept almost throughout the journey wasn't left out! somebody even told him to change his diet, that he should stop eating foods that make him want to spit! Our driver too would occasionally just whisper, "No be here!, No be here!" and we would all burst into laughter.
When we had a stopover at Gboko, Benue state, people urged me to switch places with Alfa to make sure he doesn't spit on people again!
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*******
...that was how 'no be here' became Alfa's nickname all through the journey and even while on camp!

I can't hold back the drops of tears that roll out of the corner of my eyes as I remember that funny incident today. I can only smile at my keyboard and soliloquize...
"Ibadan to Jalingo? Omo, no be here Oº°˚˚°ºoO !!" LOLS.
:-)

Hardethaewoh blogs at www.hardethaewoh.

great start!.. awesome descriptive narration... pls keep 'em rolling :-)

I'm interested, maybe I could help but sorry I'm also Yoruba... but I ve had interactions wt them...
I don't know if you'll find a Hausa sha
if however u think I might be useful pls mail hardethaewoh@gmail :-)
good luck

This a short comedy I wrote during the weekend. It is told from the perspective of different witnesses & participants. I do hope you enjoy it.
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WAITRESS:
His strides are bold and stompy, despite his age.
He put on the meanest look he could conjure and
sized up the entrance door. Though he seem to
stagger a bit, he did a good job of maintaining his
composure. I watched him adjust his clothing and
walk in with a false feeling of importance. I know
he’s bound to act another drama in the bar but I
was heading home already. My shift was over so I
didn’t get to witness the free show but I got the
gist from the girls later.

WAITER:
I had just resumed my shift when I saw a strange
man walk in. He stood for a while as if searching
for an empty seat in the bar. He walked over to a
table, knocked off the “reserved” marker and he
pulled out a seat for himself.
“Sir, that place is reserved… you can’t sit there
sir”, I explained and made to stop him!
“whaaat?… reserved for who? …who gets a
reservation when General Roger has no where to
sit? Don’t you know me?” he asked.
“ Excuse me sir…”
“You haven’t seen me on TV? …you’ve never heard
of Major General Roger? …you mean you really
don’t know me?”
“NO!” I said and sized up the man. He was clad
in a rumpled suit, undersized pants, dirty shirt and
a twisted tie. His running mouth seem to be the
only smooth thing on him!
“Sorry sir!… this table is-”
“-will you shut up your mouth!” he shouted and
caused some heads to turn.
“if you would please let me get you another
place…” I was saying when he exploded.
“I can’t believe you are still here!” He roared and
slammed the table, getting more heads to turn in
his direction.
With his ego well fed, he stood up, having this
bully smirk on his face and whispered to an
embarrassed me, “now get me a drink without
further ado!”
I wish someone had told me what kinda person this
man is. Old bully!
MAN:
I can’t but notice the man creating a scene beside
me. His outburst snatched my lady’s attention
away from me and I just had to look too.
He adjusted on his seat and turned towards us.
“but you love birds know me, don’t you?
He didnt wait for a reply as he continued “…
lemme tell you, I am the only soldier who took the
orientation course eight times! Yet I have the
longest non-democratic tenure ever! I ruled for a
duration of eight years. Yes! That’s a long term
isn’t it?… I broke the back of three other generals
and took power… A decorated general I am as you
see me so!…”

ARMY GENERAL:
I was whistling to my reserved seat to relax as
usual when I spotted the old man at my table. At
first I wanted to ask my ADC to call in the boys
to come and get the man off my favorite corner, but
I decided against it. “Its just one old man”, I told
myself “He won’t be any trouble.”
But as I approached the table, I heard his smooth
mouth bragging about the army.
“… A decorated general I am as you see me so!” he
was saying “No general in this country dares dare
me… They know what I did to their predecessors.”
I was shocked. All my years in the army, I’ve
never seen a retired General look so unkempt.
As I moved closer to him, I began to perceive the
strong odour of ogogoro (a locally brewed alchohol).
The stupid old man was high on cheap spirits. So I
brought out my phone and dialed my ADC’s
number.
“send in the boys!” I ordered. I want this bloody
civilian beaten to sobriety.

NURSE ISABEL:
When I didn’t see the funny ol’ General Roger (as
he liked to be called) in the common room I knew
we had a situation on our hands.
I wasn’t quite worried though cos I knew just
where to find him. He likes to – you know, sneak
to the bars across town.
As I parked my car in the lot,I saw some soldiers
jump out of a van and march into the bar.
My intuition told me old rogers had probably gone
too far with his army stories this time! I quickened
my pace and entered the bar through the service
door. I saw old Roger doing his thing -creating a
scene.
“…where did you get those stars? And that
uniform?…don’t tell me you are an officer in the
army.” He was saying to the General.
The soldiers marched in and saluted the General
and he mumbled some things to them pointing
towards Roger. I moved fast, stood in between the
General and Roger.
“Old Roger, you’ve had too much drinks today,
don’t you think its time we head home?”
A hefty hand rested on my shoulder and spun me
around.
“…and what do you think you are doing?” the
General roared.
” …’xcuse meee?”
“Isabel? What a surprise? What are you doing
here?” He asked.
“sorry?.. have we met before? How do you know
my name? Oh -you’re quite smart aren’t you?! You
read it from my ID card here! ” I was saying when
he removed his dark glasses and I recognized him
to be a familiar face. He once came to the Retirees
Home with relief materials.
“You’ll never change” he said with a smile.
“Isabel, the ever serious nurse!”
I offered my apologies, he accepted and signalled
to his boys to wait. He pulled me aside and asked.
“so is this man one of your em, patients, old
people or what do you call them?”
“yes!” I nodded and explained, “.. and He is a
special one… His hallucination these days are -you
know -so real to him. He had a kinda little rough
childhood, you know. And his failure to get
recruited into the army after many attempts comes
back to his brain now as an achievement. He
bullies anyone and even addresses himself as
General Roger… Funny ol’ man… I just have to
get him back to the home now… So he could take
his -you know, medications and perhaps some
things to kinda calm him and… I really have to go
now… And I apologize for any rubbish he might
have done or said… You know -he is just being -
you know…”
” its alright, No problem at all, you just saved his
backside from pains”, the General said with a grin.
I turned back to the table,
“Let’s get you home, General Roger…you’ve had
too much-”
“Who?” a waiter asked and pointed to the empty
seat.
I didn’t know Old Roger had sneaked out when I
had my back to him.
“Slimy Old man” the General murmured.
“…em, I think I know just where to look for him,
he likes to -you know, frequent bars… I have to
go… Thank you sir.”
“Funny old Roger,” the waiter remarked and shook
his head.
******* The End *******
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=->Prince A.T.™
blogs at www.hardethaewoh.