₦airaland Forum

Thanks to those of you that were kind in your replies. Maybe I wasn't clear enough but I did not get the advice I was asking for. I certainly did get lots of reason to distrust my husband but I actually trust him. We've been together for nearly 7 years and our relationship good it's just that we struggle when he's in his country and I wanted advice on how I could better understand and communicate with my igbo husband. I do not feel at all insecure by the negative comments. He does not have another wife. If he wanted to be with someone else he would have been. Again, thanks to those of you who tried to be kind and positive. What goes around comes around.

MrsChima:
Igbos do not have to live in the village to marry someone from the village.

He doesn't know ppl in his village - only his family.

okoloto:
I'm not speaking for ur husband but I do have similar issue when i get back home.....a lot of distractions and believing u have a wife that trusts you, somethings don't matter. Don't be deceived by what you get here, it doesn't make ur hubby less loving. the system is different

Yes the system is different. It's taken me some extreme understanding to get that and it's frustratung for me that come from a place where everything is easy. And because the system is different and he is so busy, I'm looking for advice on how we manage our communication and agreement and understanding whilst he's in the different system with complex stresses. Thank you!

DiamonJ:
u are right, he has a villiage wife, that is igbo life for, don't trust them

He's never lived in the village. He was born and grew up in lagos. He's never hardly been to his village until he took me 3 years ago.

MrsChima:
The 14 years old boy is living with his grandmother while his mother is in another city? Hmm.

Again, I don't understand the hmmm comment? Why is this a problem?

Ipledge:
not tribal war,the people like the op suffering from sickness that have not yet been discovered

What does this mean? Thank you.

MrsChima:
Damn! I didn't see this before I composed my last post. I am glad others sensed bullshit too!

sorry I'm confused- what bullshit?

MrsChima:
No..you are definitely correct. I am willing to bet he didn't have his papers before they married.

He did have papers in Europe where we met. But then we met and we wanted to be together. So instead of staying in Europe with his papers that's inly a 7 hour flight from nija, he came to live with me and has to fly 24 hours to get to his country. He doesn't have European papers anymore so he needs a visa to go to Europe.

Husbands and wives really should not have a communication gap.

Conclusion: Understanding! Don't push it or bug him with phone calls at unnecessary times. Work it out with him.[/quote]I appreciate you comment and take it as my situation. I try not to push but if I contunially accept his excuses of being too busy too tired, it may become normal and thanks a normal I don't want. I support him by "letting" him go to do this work but he's supposed to understand the stain this puts in how I feel and be grateful that I support him going. I am trying to work it out and we had a complete agreement and understanding before he left but he's not keeping his part of the agreement and I don't know how to get him back in the right track for the sake of our happiness. Thanks!

Headlamp1:
*Has

Ok so how do I find out? If this is true I need to find out and catch him. Thank you

No I only joined the forum today.
As I said before, I maybe silly, but he's never given me any reason to think he's with anyone else but if I'm wrong I'll be shocked. I just want advice on what I can do to get him to call me more often. He's a good, hard working, determined man.

Thank you all. Interesting debate.

The calls are not expensive from me to him and when he calls I call him back. Yes we have whats app but he doesn't use its. He's not good with technology he's also not very literate.

no we don't have children yet but we are desperate to have one. But he also needs to make money so he's working on his business fast.

Yes I support him but not so much with money these days early on in our relationship I spent lots of $ supporting but now he's able to support himself. He also now helps me with the bills.

i am pretty and not in the best shape but I am in the same shape as when we met.

We are the same age.

He has got perm residence since he came to my country. No citizenship. He's not interested.

He was not married to the mother of his son. She's in a different city to when he is. He never sees her and does not speak fondly of her.

No I'm Not not Europe.
We have 10 hour time difference. When I'm awake he's sleeping. When I'm sleeping he's working.

Yes thank you, I'm looking for advice from people who may have had this experience, where their husband hasn't been as attentive and how I can reason with him. How I can understand him and him understand me. If this is not the kind of conversation that I'm supposed to have on the forum , sorry I did not realise. Thank you all.

I might be stupid but I actually done think he's in another relationship. I came to this website for advice on how to communicate with my husband and to understand he's situation better. He is in Nigeria building a massive business for our future. I know this is fact. I know he is busy and very stressed. But when he doesn't call me I get stressed. I call him, I'm upset with him, I tell him, he gets upset with me and we never haveenjoyable conversations. Before he leaves we talk and ge promises he will make an effort but as soon as he goes East everything changes. He's too busy, too tired. No network, can't charge his phone, he's drivung or it's just too noisy because he's in the town. I was hoping other people had this experience and found a way to understand each other and get their partner to make an appropriate effort. I actually know my husband loves me. He's kind and generous. I just can't get him to be kind and generous when he's busy and stressed.
Thanks for all your comments as I'm prepared to hear anything that will give me insight into understanding my love.

What proof should I be able to see if he has a wife in Nigeria too? Just because he doesn't call me much? What else? I've met all his family. I've stayed with them. He lived in Europe when we met for 10 years. He hadn't been living in Nigeria. How could he have another wife? I've met his son and his son lives with my husbands family because the boys mum is no good. The boy is 14. He is not with that mother. What should I ask him to find out?

I have been to Nigeria and met his family. He's sister lives in my country too. I don't believe he has another family. I don't believe he is or has cheated but I am obviously worried.

Anambra. In his fathers house but parents deceased. I never met them.

I am a western woman, I'm professionally employed and have been with an Igbo man for 6.5 years, married for nearly 3. He travels to Nigeria often. When he's hime he's happy, playful, caring even though he's extremely busy with business. When he goes to Igbo land he hardly calls, normally only when he wants something. Even though he promises me everything will be ok and he will call, he just doesn't call. I get upset and I tell humans he gets pissed off with me. He tells me I can call him anytime but when I call he's busy, in the bank, driving or on the street with too much noise and I can't hear him. He tells me he can't call me in the morning as he's rushing out for his business and when he gets home at night he just falls asleep through exhaustion. He is starting a business for our future and I respect him being busy but I am busy too and I will always make time for him. He is not a good organiser but I still don't think its acceptable that he can't make 5 minutes a day to call him wife. We are in different time zones which does make it very hard but I simply cannot understand how he can't call me. It puts a big strain on how I feel and I don't know how much I can accept. I love this man and we fought hard to be together but if he can pick my call or call me should I just accep this or should I be worried? Advice please.