I feel like when I was younger (like 5-6 years ago), I used to think bad boys were the ish. But now, honestly, I prefer a nice boy. I don't like the playah or playah-wannabe attitude. Or the cockiness and "swagger". I think it's a real turn-off. I like quiet confidence (as in he doesn't need anyone's affirmation, he's confident but he doesn't need to talk about how handsome/clever/good at whatever he is as though he thinks you might not realize it for yourself if he doesn't tell you) and humility and niceness and innocent but willing to play and be naughty too but not like naughty with everyone playa-style.

It's not that it's romantic, it's just that it's kind and flattering to everyone (no matter how fine or unfine). One always look better/finer/hotter in dim lighting.

I don't really think there's any reason to propose unless you're ready to marry her. I feel like people these days get engaged anyhow. Like it's almost like dating now and in my opinion it's not right.

Because you can be the person you want to be without people judging you so much! It makes you more free to say exactly what you like without fear of repercussions in your real life.

H2O2:

See NL girls.  The truth is hard to swallow for una.

Hurt menini? I don't get hurt.  I put the hurt on people.  Moreover, I don't think guys get hurt after being dumped by Naija girls.  The probably feel relieved.

WHat a catch!!! Like for any girl, not just a naija girl. In fact you're such a catch that I don't think any of us un-fine naija girls can cope with your "catchy-ness." You see we want your abuse and we want the "hurt to be put" on us, like OMG what girl wouldn't, but maybe for now we'll abstain.

H2O2:

I guessed as much that we're on the same side.  We both know how cruel and useless these things [girls] are.  They have done, said, boasted about, and caused so much crap that it will be a crime not to speak out against it all.   Love is a beautiful thing that should not be wasted on jealous NL girls.  The worst is when they see you with an easy going white girl that lets you do your thing, they get mad.

Ah i see it all comes out now. The bitterness. Why didn't you just say so in the beginning because you see we could have just felt bad for you then. It's a dumbass thing to blame all NL girls for your bad judgement in getting with a bad apple. It's so sad. There's nothing wrong with wanting a white girl, you don't have to give us excuses and put all of us down just so you can be happy with your white girl. It's not a very nice thing to do. Take heart enh? as Leona says, it will all get better (in time).

I don't think it's such a good thing to do. I have no secrets but I hate people going through my phone and reading my texts, chatting with my friends. I went out with a guy who would answer my phone and chat with the person first b4 giving me the phone. Like he didn't even know who it was. I don't like that kind of over familiarity, like it's not that serious.

Even if there are no secrets in the relationship, everyone always need a little space, like at least e-mail and phone should be personal space unless the person expressly gives permission each time to answer the phone or read texts or email or whatever.

I think some do and some don't. I went to an event at NAPTIP (an agency in Lagos that rehabs the prostitutes deported from Italy) and some felt guilty about what they had to do for money and some you could tell were trying to figure out how to get back in the business. I think for some they like sex, they're not really good at anything else, and so they feel why not get paid for it.

I think a peck is appropriate anytime anywhere. I think kissing in public is ok but if there is prolonged tongue action and/or groping, I don't care where you are, it's not appropriate and it's disrespectful to the people around. Rent a room!

I think virginity overall is losing its value. I'm a virgin but that doesn't mean I don't know anything about sex or that I'm naive. I don't mind if a guy is a virgin. In fact, fewer sexual partners is a plus. Virgin doesn't mean bad in bed. We could learn together.

No he doesn't love you. Look at it as a lesson learned and move on. Don't punish him. People like that will get what they deserve without you interfering so don't worry.

Again thanks everyone for the support and advice (esp. na2day? for fighting some of my topic battles for me: much appreciated  )

tkb417:

U need to get yourself another place of work!!
what kind of guy will be asking u for 90K?
Didnt they pay him salary? Is ur workplace a carpenter workshop or what?
they must be paid poorly for him to be running after u. and for a returnee like you to be running after guys like that, it begs a lotta questions!!
u yourself must be wowo!!!

ur church again?
move to correct churches where no one will even notice u

abeggi

The job is actually work experience related and thus temporary since I'm waiting to do NYSC. No it's not a carpenter's shop (), it's a bank. I don't know how much anyone is being paid but I'm sure they're all being paid more than me because I only get a stipend. I didn't "run after" anyone. I'm a shy person so I've never "run after" anyone in my life. This is someone close-ish to my age at work and also a new-ish graduate (just finished NYSC) so knows whats going on in terms our generation. I thought we were becoming good friends because we had stuff in common (as in faith, likes, dislikes, opinions u get what i mean?). It wasn't really a chaser or chasee situation, we were just talking a lot kind of thing. I don't know why you would bring personal insults into things, that was really rude. I'm not the finest but I'm also not wowo, and moreover you don't know me. I'm not the kind of person who's only friends with people who are exactly like me. And I'm not exactly sure what a "correct church" is? Could you define/explain? I go to one of the bigger Redeemed parishes in VI so it's not like it's a small cupboard church where everyone is in everyone's pocket like that.

dns:

well my dear its not you only that is encountering this ugely sutuation but at thesame time am also a living testemone, in my case am not from a rech background but am hard working and so am a good looking guy as a matter of fact, you see at all time of my life am all ways unhappy person because a lot of people have failed me in the name of love, just to court it short, the last girl that toil with my heart makes me to get tired of girls, one day we were going out in the night so we were sported by a theme of police so they ask me where are we going so i replied saying i and my girl friend are going to have some good time, so they now ask me again who are you i then give them my ID card and they lets us go, after ward she took the ID card from me and on the card it is written computer engineer, she then ask me are you an engineer i replied; yes to her, this a girl have ben gone out with for over  two months and, she has never ask me what i do for a living or to show concern, after that day, a week later she come demanding of thirty thousand Naira 30,000.00. this a girl i know never get serious with her life for once, asking for such amount of money that she want a business of her own, so dear they are every where all you need doing is to be patience with your self and wait for the right one, may be who knows i might be the luck man standing!!!!!!! i can see laughing now any way take care and stop being warried ok. i like you are topic and you too bye for now!!!

I know right? It's tough. It's never nice to feel used by people. Sorry about your situation but you're better off. And you're right it does become funnier with time. My sister and I were laughing over the 90k yesterday because for the first time I saw the funny side. Like I can just picture myself asking my dad for N90k just like that. Major LOLs. I don't know about other middle class folks but that is NOT how it goes down in my family.

None of the above. They both seem like players.

H2O2:

that's probably because you are too flashy with your parents' money.

I really don't think I am at least I try not to be. It's not as if they just hand me stacks of money to be flashy with. I live in their house and eat their food and sometimes they send me on errands with their car but it's not like we're the kind of family that is flashy or that people in our area know our business because we're so ostentatious. Maybe unknowingly it comes across like that, but if anything I go out of my way not to be flashy. I never talk about my family to anyone I'm not close friends with and I avoid talking about my background. I wasn't raised tobe boastful about the things we've been blessed with as if I were entitled to them or something and I don't think I'm flashy in my appearance. For example my phone is very old school (as in the olden days indestructable nokia 3330) and people at work even tease me about it.

All of you are wonderful. Thanks for all d advice and encouragement. So what I understand is the best thing is just to stick with people from the same kind of background as me. That's what my sister has been saying, but I don't want to come across as a snob. Maybe I need to just work on myself and stop caring what people think about me.

Baby Jinx:

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You HIT the nail right on the head. Unfortunately, some people are all into the whole "Love conquers all" schtick

I don't think "love conquers all," but I just never thought that economic level would become like one of my criteria for picking guys, and to me, it's a little sad to come to that realization because I feel like one of those girls that is assessing a guy's pocket the minute she meets him and that's not who I want to be.

Ok first of all I know this is going to sound like poor me ooo, I'm really suffering with my upper middle class background and I don't want it to come across that way at all because I'm really greatful to God for my upbringing.

I'll admit I'm someone who grew up comfortable and ok a little ajebota-ish. My family is small. I have only one sister so my parents were really able to take care of us because they had good jobs. We weren't at all spoilt like we never just asked for money or took everything for granted like that, we always were grateful for everything we had and was given to us and we realised that none of what we had really belonged to us as in it was God's grace and our parent's generousity. We were expected to excel in school and in everything we did which we fulfilled.

Anyway, to my question. I recently returned from the US after finishing my bachelor's and I've been at home trying to organize my service (NYSC) for the next cycle. Since I've been home, I'm noticing one thing. Random guys in church and at my job keep toasting me. So at first I was flattered because I'm someone who's very honest with themselves and I know while I'm ok-looking, I'm not THAT fine like that. So I started talking to this guy, and like after a week of like really good conversation, he was like asking to borrow N90,000. I was soooooooo taken aback because I'm there like work experience so he knows I'm earning less than him so that means he must have been expecting me to ask my parents for that kind of money which of course I can't. I know they are working very hard for the money and I can't just ask for that amount like that. So when I refused the guy became very cold. This has happened again like 3 or 4 times with other guys and I'm getting really disillusioned.

I've never talked about my background with anyone at work or at church, when people ask where I stay, I try to be vague about it because I just really want to fit in. So it's not as if anyone knows me like that. But somehow they've judged me and made assumptions about me based on my parents (at church) and on Godknowswhat (at work) and now I can't even tell who wants to be friends for real and who wants me because of my parents financial situation. I'm not a snob at all, I'm really friendly and I'm the kind of person who can hang out with anyone.

So Nairalanders, my question is how do I trust people/guys who are trying to get close to me? And what can I do to get guys to like me for myself not my parents background.