₦airaland Forum

GHoJes:
You are losing confidence in your self, you see you as not good enough for her. You may end up telling her and ask for the separation your self or your sinking your self may cause you to exhibit unpleasant attitudes or even sink into depression or lead to the wrong crowd or taking a wrong decision so that your fears would consequently befall you.

I hope your wife is supportive because you need to tell her as many times you are struggling with your shameful act so that she can continually reassure you of her forgiveness. It seems your love language is word of assurance, you need to be repeatedly reassured of her forgiveness till you get it that the slate is cleaned of your sin.

Thank you

Roland17:
This sort of grief is suffered by those who hold themselves in very high moral and value standards, consequently, you are in shock that you drifted too far from your values and the result is living with you daily. Now, the moral may be specific or general. In your case, it seems to be faithfulness/ loyalty to your wife. This sort of standard may not be associated with your religious beliefs because those have forgiveness or cultural values but personal values that took you years to build and they are like your pride. While there is the trauma associated with the guilt of the pain you caused your wife, you have failed to realize that your wife has forgiven you and has moved on because you are primarily focused on the fact that you have failed yourself.

Sometimes this sort of grief can be self-destructive and selfish and this is buttressed by the fact that you have even considered separation from your family. There are stages of relieving guilt and it does sound like you have skipped some of them and now you are struggling with moving past that incident. Genuine forgiveness of any sorts starts with yourself, it is the highest form of self-judgment, accountability, and realization and this is because getting forgiveness from the person hurt does not necessarily absolve you from your own conscience (for those who still have one oh), it only assures a temporal peace of mind. I think you spent the early stages of this incident fighting to secure your wife's forgiveness which is very important to gain and now that you have gotten it, you realize there is a gaping hole that harbors a demon that you should have closed first.

I am very surprised that the therapists you are seeing have not divulged this critical piece to you. The journey to self reconciliation can only be completed by you alone and not your wife/ family because she has done the most important part which is to forgive you wholeheartedly. If you rely on your family to push you through this face, you would only end up condemning yourself, even more, and burden your family with the responsibility of helping you through this dark phase. You need to start the cycle again and this time with a clearer perspective and good knowledge of the past. Let me also say that reassurances from your wife without self reconciliation will only fuel the self-guilt even more and you may end up drifting again ( I know! it sounds crazy but it is the truth).

What you are feeling right now is the denial stage which should have been the first stage of the journey to self-forgiveness. While you accept the action, you are almost questioning the fact that you did it and there is nothing wrong in this stage. After this stage, retrace the history of how much effort you put in your yourself (your biological family, your growing up, your challenges and how they made you the man you are today) and your family and let the anger consume you without doing anything stupid. Allow yourself to cry, allow yourself to weep, allow your self to feel the pain of the hurt. This will help you accept yourself in your weakest moment. You see, accepting ourselves in our weakest moments especially when we fail helps us build the courage to prevent future occurrences. Please remember that you are seeking self reconciliation so you can fully enjoy the forgiveness from your wife. Next, you take responsibility for your action. Be accountable to how you failed and hurt the person you love the most and now there is a child involved. This would help you avoid transferring the anger from the 2nd stage to the unborn child who is innocent. Begin to love yourself again. Begin to rebuild with whatever ruins you have left. Don't allow this to define who you are today and that is by loving yourself again. Take pride in how far you have come. Finally, set boundaries. You can set boundaries about drinking away from home or when your wife is not present and if possible, you can stop drinking entirely as a token for the pain it caused.

Wow! I appreciate it man, thanks.

sassysure:
How are u sure the child is yours?

I've done DNA test. 99.99

Davash222:
Don't be sissy please!! Man up and take care of your responsibilities.

What responsibility?

Zikora1000:
You really have a good wife. She has forgiven you. Oya , it's time to forgive yourself. Invite Christ into your life, be a true born again , he will fill your heart with great joy that even you will come to know the true meaning of 'old things have pass away'. You can even talk to an evangelist and free yourself of this guilt. Separation is not the answer, you are going int depression and might end up losing your life.

Thank you

Less than 3 years after my wedding to the only woman I love, the most beautiful, kind hearted, respectful and generally the most amazing woman I've ever known, I had a one night stand that I will regret for the rest of my entire life.

I was at a friends party, drunk 'not trying to justify my stupid infidelity " I had sex with a girl I've known for a while even before I got married and never have in my life had any kind of sexual feelings towards, a girl I had introduced to my friend because I had no interest in her nor cheating on my then girlfriend.

The worst part of the one night stand is, a baby came out of it. I disappointed myself, my family, friends and most importantly my wife. She forgave me, we have been working it out. We have a beautiful family, amazing friendship, the kind everyone far and near us wish for and envy.

To cut the long story short, I am in pain, my conscience is killing me, I am losing weight, I am hurting, I am finding it hard to forgive myself to the point that I am thinking about separation. I am lost, I don't know what to do at this point. I've seen the best therapist and shrink's in San Francisco and nothing gets better. My family love her to death,she is 100% a good wife and mother.

Bash me, call me names, say anything I deserve it but please if you were in my shoes what would you do. I am scared she might one day leave me. I really need all the advices I can get.