₦airaland Forum

Rapecase:
Edit - to those who may be wondering about my username, I created this account whilst trying to help two kids who were victims of rape.

Our 4th anniversary was few days ago, as I thought she would , my wife forgot the date. It ordinarily would not have hurt me so much but I have always had this feeling that she doesn't love me.

When we were dating she was all over me. But nothing I do ever since we got married gets appreciated. Few months ago she hurled abuses on me for helping a sister, a friend of hers, who lost a child and are homeless. And what's the help? Just 100k. Apparently I enjoy abandoning her need for others. And this
coming from a woman who few days earlier was saying I had invested over 2m on her business in a short while ( by her own calculation, as I don't take note when giving her money ).

I told a mother figure in church who is close to both me, her and the family I helped who corrected her. Expect if she will apologise tomorrow.

Off course the lady I helped in question is idiotic but I can't bear her and house and kids being homeless especially after losing a child.

My wife will never apologise when she does sometime I object to. Her apology which is often done in the most demeaning way is only tendered if I take the issue over board.

Our sex life since we got married has been poor to the extreme. I have ensured I do not cheat, not for a single day but I constantly have to beg for sex or masturbate to relieve myself.

Laying our bed is always a war for her. She does it only when she wants. Mind you we have two kids and a maid who helps with virtually everything.

The maid in the morning ( 90% of the time ) makes the breakfast, clean the house while she only baths our first child and get her ready for school, I take her to school most of the time.

Am I overreacting to expect my wife to

1. Properly apologise when she does something I do not like and ensure she doesnt repeat it? For instance few days ago she was planning on traveling outside our base, I only got to know through her phone conversation with her sister although she didn't eventually travel, I felt I should have known before hand as I got to know a night before. Till date what I got in form of apology is, "I would have told you". She was planning to travel by 5am, I heard her conversation by 10pm a night before and we slept on the same bed.

2. Sex at least 3 times a week? I stopped trying to initiate it after so many rejections.

3. Not to forget important dates such as our wedding anniversary?

4. To at all time be the one making my meal.

Please note she practically doesn't work now. We are setting up a fashion house for her she has taken over 3m from me as of the time of writing this. Note my cloths go to dry cleaners. Only thing she does is cook my meal ( when she wants ).

I am beginning to think maybe I am a mental health patient who doesn't know yet. Maybe something is wrong with me and I am just reacting based on that?

It may be painful for you to accept that your spouse forgot your wedding anniversary , the reality is that some families do not pay too much attention to this, however with time and constant discussions, your wife may change, I don't know but It may be a family thing we should not really blame someone for the families they grew up in, nobody chooses the family he/she wanted to grow up in . For example, when I was growing up, all my siblings and I , my mum and dad used to forget each others birthdays, sometimes we remember some days prior to the birthday but usually forget on the real dates, not until like one or more days after the event.

When I was dating my wife, she noticed this and called my attention to it, funny, no matter how much I tried to remember her birthdays, sometimes, I still forgot it. When we got married, my wife had to live with the fact that I was not doing it deliberately, sometimes we joke about how we forget dates in my family. The reason is that forgetting a date should not nullify all the love that I show to her and my children daily. Many get emotional about spouses forgetting important dates, but believe me, in as much as I encourage all to remember these important dates, it isn't worth it to be fighting over forgetting dates on not. However, in order for me to remember important dates, I have set a reminder that runs throughout the year for those dates on my phone, this may help people struggling with remembering dates.

I hope this helps.

I tell people that during courtship, most of the time, the parties involved are just pretending, this is because, both parties, are trying as much as possible to show their good side. Reality of who we really begins to show 0 - few years down the line. The way we handle this reality is how well our relationship with our spouses will progress.

In relation to this matter, sometimes we need to change ourselves to see the change that we desire in others. This new part of your wife may be as a result of hidden traits that spouses fail to pay attention to during courtship. For most marriages, you will hardly escape this occurrence. I did not escape this in my marriage

There are so many things that will be required for a proper advice to be given on this matter, honestly, it will be difficult to just blame your wife for all you have mentioned without getting her own views. However, I will try as much as possible to try to use the closest possible examples.

1. Does your wife express satisfaction after you both have sex (I asked this, because if she doesn't enjoy it, she would not see the need for it) -
Solution : Please go and learn techniques to please your wife if she doesn't, wives will tell their husbands if they enjoy sex one way or the
other, if she has not been saying so, please go and learn! Also, there is a need to ask her if you are satisfying her in this regard, asking does not do
any harm, It's your marriage, I ask my wife regularly, it was from our discussion that I discovered that I needed to up my game, now I get regular
thank you e.t.c note: I don't use sex enhancement drugs, burantashi e.t.c (No pride intended) just fruits that I learnt on google through simple
searches like "fruits / foods that aid sex e.t.c

2. Not all Humans Believe in Giving Freely: Some women perceive giving freely as waste of money, some like to put a value and calculation to
every single kobo you give. This should not be counted against her because the kind of training she received for the over 18 or more years before
you guys got married is different, families, environment etc of couples are different, trust me, not all signs are seen during dating or courting.
Solution :If you try to forcefully bend a dried fish, It will break, however, by applying techniques such as soaking in water and been gentle,
you will eventually be able to bend the once dried fish. Marriage involves the act of trying different methods to make it work, if you try one method
and it does work try another method. With time and constant discussions , you wife may begin to accept that charity is an acceptable way of
life.

3. House Chores / Keeping the House Tidy / Making of Bed : Not all marriages are the same, not all women are the same, not all men are the
same, It is easier to tolerate your wife than trying to make her suddenly become what she has not been trained to be by upbringing.
Solution :Used to complain about my wife not making bed, not keeping the room tidy etc until I came to the realization that what I ever say
or do concerning this will not change my wife, this was causing some much friction until I decided to start doing this my self or just look the other
way. Believe me, I have more peace and we fight less because of this, dont mind people that will call you all sort of names for trying to save your
marriage, cos if I dont tell you "how will you accuse my wife of these things". If you cannot live with the flaws of your spouse, it may be difficult to
have a peaceful home, cause only you can tolerate not fix your wife.

4. Third Parties : I dont know who involved pastors, elderly women etc in your martial issues, but not all women like third parties to hear about
their flaws or weakness, some of the new attitudes of your wife may be because of this.
Solution : Try as much as possible to discuss your marital issues alone without a third party. Even if you have to do this, it should be only for
the purpose of advice from trusted people that will not give you advice to destroy your home, preferably without the knowledge of your wife to
avoid issues, but with time you will learn how to apply right actions without consulting anyone.

5. Your marriage is still fixable ! you have to change yourself to see the change that you desire in others.


I hope this helps!