₦airaland Forum

Joke of the century! Op made my day!

Udari in efik(calabar), cross river state.

O.............kay... I'll just sit right here and wait for pictures of the "bad road(s)"

Evening everyone... I sent my letter via courier, now A̶̲̥̅♏ ɑ little worried. For those of us who're still expectant, U̶̲̥̅̊ will testify. God bless U̶̲̥̅̊ all.

Good evening everyone. I live and work ​I̶̲̥̅̊n̶̲̥̅̊. Calabar and I'm considering sending my confirmation through ϑ courier. Would U̶̲̥̅̊ advice I follow it through? Τнäиκs ɑ lot!

@Paint... It's UPS

I reside ​I̶̲̥̅̊n̶̲̥̅̊. Cross River State as well. Θ letter contains ϑ ff info: there is ɑ duplicate of ϑ offer of employment which has to be signed and sent back to ϑ towers on or before july 20th(they have not disclosed how to send it), ϑ date for resumption is August 6th. No date has been provided for medicals. Θ salary is also clearly stated.

I'm ɑ GT attached to human resources. From Cross River State. Θ letters were dispatched on ϑ 28th...I can'☂ wait for ¥'all to receive urs.

It's true everyone! I've been ɑ silent observer all along but I can'☂ remain silent. I came home from work to meet my folks celebrating with this huge package on ϑ table. My NNPC offer of employment! Work starts august 6th!

Another day, another rant.
Been under enormous pressure lately and I really, really need to blow some steam off!
THIS IS A RANT!

So what am I going to rant about?
Men.
Some men are just foolish.
Most times, I imagine myself as a man (which isn’t hard to imagine

) and I know I can do better.
Do you know the ridiculous amount of money some guys spend on girls? That shit is disgusting!

Last year, people on twitter read the gist about the dude that splashed N1.5million on his girl and her friends.
On drinks.
Dem never chop o.
On drinks.
Do you know how many village girls you can marry and tamba for free with 1.5 milla? DO YOU??
Water no dey?
Wooz stron witchu!
It’s not as if at the end of the night he will tamba the girl plus her friends.
No o!
Only one!
Shior!

If I was a guy ehn I’ll probably be a hermit…Forever alone.
Spend excess money on a girl? Am I mad?
Is her V made of gold? Does it hold the secrets to immortality?
Niggur PLEASE!
And the thing that can pain me is later, the same girls that extort money from their men would be claiming Feminist.
Akuko!
Femi-gini?
Let me spend 40k on you and you don’t pound yam for a month for me first.
Ya doing feminist.
E be like say you never jam jazz. I go just seal your vagina spiritually.
Dey there.

Look at this.
A girl would call you. Maybe your girlfriend. Maybe your Bleep buddy. Una know una selves
“Hey Honey, I’m Hot”
You will run to her house and perform.
“Thanks honey”
Chop kiss and go home.
Oya call the same girl to ask for the same thing and she will charge you for her  transport/feeding/house rent/school fees/her friends’ school fees.
Is it fair?
No really. Is it?
S.M.H
You too, kiss and disappear!
Why should you pay for her transport?
My friend, God gave you two legs! Rejoice and waka dey go your house!
It is all part of getting fit. No need to ask you about money for gym subscription later.
Kill two birds with one stone.

I’m not saying don’t spend on your woman.
Note, I said YOUR woman.
Some dudes will be spending on women that have friend-zoned them in hope that they would change their minds.
Brother, your step-mother in the village is playing Ludo with your destiny.
Listen to yourself!
After she don chop your money finish, she’ll gaan marry someone else.
You will be there, biting your fingers in regret.
Otondo Esquire.

Where was I? Ehen.
I’m not saying don’t spend on your woman.
Make her feel special.
(You can only make the  moment special if it doesn’t happen often. Look at Christmas. Once a year. Special. Look at Mother’s Day. Every frigging Sunday in April and May. Not special).
As I was saying, treat her to something romantic and affordable.
Take her to Mr Biggs once in a while and buy her chicken pie.
On a special occasion like her birthday, out of the goodness of your heart, you buy Pepsi and join to the chicken pie.
If she’s complaining, tell her she’s adding weight and return the Pepsi. She can drink water.
Buy her a packet of red candles for Valentine. Non-scented. Why should you buy her scented candles? Is she a priestess? Abi she be ogbanje?
Bikonu!
If she insists on scents, buy her an air freshner.

There is a likely chance she will dump you but it doesn’t matter. You’re saving yourself financial stress.
Na her type. After spending over 5 milla during dating, you go ask about bride price and her family will charge you 10 milla.
Maka why. When she don chop half her bride price?
Later you start shedding tears on your wedding day.
Abeg.

It’s better to be forever alone and be a wealthy man than to be forever in debt with a high-maintenance woman.

Your girl will probably hate this advice I’m dispensing freely today.
“Honey, Peruvian hair”
Peru-gini?
My friend gaan plait shuku, all-back or police cap.
Better still, low-cut. You can share your clipper with her.
It’s all part of love and bonding; shave my hair, I shave yours.
Look at Amber Rose. Sexy low-cut. Is Wiz Khalifa paying for human hair?
“Honey, money for relaxer”
Relaxer ko. Let her go natural! It is good for her scalp.
Buy her a can of locally made oil. Her hair would grow longer and you will have something to pull when you’re hitting it from the back.

She will even attempt to trick you. She will come to your house and insist to cook for you.
Wait for it.
“Honey, money so I can buy foodstuff”
Lai lai! She will overprice the foodstuff.
Tell her to sit down and give you time to go and withdraw money.
On your way, buy the foodstuff you need to the nearest kobo. Collect your change my brother and come house.
“Honey, where is the money?”
“Oh darling I decided to go to the market since it was near the ATM. Save stress for my egovine. My akwa nwa. My sweetie. “
Story Story.

Umu boys, you gats to sharpen up! Stop wasting your money!
You say investment. You’re investing on her.
Your mates are investing in Properties and shii.
Some are investing IN their own babes (and probably yours sef)
You’re there, investing ON her.
You’re lost brother.

My last advice. If your babe is making trouble about the monetary issue, fine.
Give her the money on one condition.
She will tamba your friends, collect money from them and give to you.
Profit my dear, PROFIT!
She’s probably doing it already for free so you might as well make some money out of a bad situation NO?

I’m done!
Tired.
Still stressed/bombed out.
*sigh*

P.S: This is an announcement. I will welcome short stories from every corner of the world. Please let me know if anyone you can help or if you know that can. Just a guest thing.
At me bebe! @weird_oo

There! Done!
*Goes back to studying*

Careytommy, this is not ϑ national assembly. It is ɑ joke for heaven's sake S̶̲̥̅Ơ̴̴̴̴̴̴͡! Loosen up already!

I'm sure 99.9% of adults that grew up in Nigeria don't know dat d nursery rhyme "chanchalili chanchalili" is actually "standard living standard living"=))=))

Standard living, standard living x4 I am a doctor in my country, some of u know me well, if u take a good look at me, u will see that its true :O X_X :$

Gee, Τнäиκs!*blushing*. Luv U̶̲̥̅̊я̅ materials too@swtchicgurl, booqee,angel and mcnepow.

Τнäиκs Joe, U̶̲̥̅̊'re far too kind.

----------------------------
One year, I decided to
buy my mother-in-law a
cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't
buy her a gift.
When she asked me
why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't
used the gift I bought
you last year!"
And that's how the
fight started.....
______________________________
__
My wife and I were
watching Who Wants
To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.
I turned to her and said,
'Do you want to have
Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I
then said,
'Is that your final
answer?'
She didn't even look at
me this time, simply
saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like
to phone a friend."
And that's when the
fight started...
______________________________
__
I took my wife to a
restaurant.
The waiter, for some
reason, took my order
first.
"I'll have the rump
steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you
worried about the mad
cow?"
"Nah, she can order for
herself."
And that's when the
fight started.....
______________________________
_
My wife and I were
sitting at a table at her
high school
reunion, and she kept
staring at a drunken
man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at
a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you
know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I
understand he took to
drinking
right after we split up
those many years ago,
and I hear he
hasn't been sober
since."
"My God!" I said, "Who
would think a person
could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight
started...
______________________________
__
When our lawn mower
broke and wouldn't run,
my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get
it fixed. But, somehow I
always had
something else to take
care of first, the shed,
the boat,
making beer.. Always
something more
important to me. Finally
she
thought of a clever way
to make her point.
When I arrived home
one day, I found her
seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping
away with a tiny pair of
sewing
scissors. I watched
silently for a short time
and then went into
the house. I was gone
only a minute, and when
I came out again
I handed her a
toothbrush. I said,
"When you finish cutting
the
grass, you might as well
sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will
walk again, but I will
always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next
to me as I was flipping
channels.
She asked, "What's on
TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight
started...
______________________________
__
Saturday morning I got
up early, quietly
dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly
into the garage. I
hooked up the
boat up to the van and
proceeded to back out
into a torrential
downpour. The wind
was blowing 50mph, so
I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the
radio, and discovered
that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the
house, quietly
undressed, and slipped
back
into bed. I cuddled up to
my wife's back; now
with a different
anticipation, and
whispered, "The
weather out there is
terrible."
My loving wife of 5
years replied, "And, can
you believe my
stupid husband is out
fishing in that?"
And that's how the
fight started...
______________________________
_
My wife was hinting
about what she wanted
for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, "I want
something shiny that
goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom
scale.
And then the fight
started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to
the Social Security office
to apply
for Social Security.
The woman behind the
counter asked me for
my driver's License to
verify my age.
I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left
my wallet at
home. I told the woman
that I was very sorry,
but I would have
to go home and come
back later.
The woman said,
'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt
revealing my curly silver
hair.
She said, 'That silver
hair on your chest is
proof enough for
me' and she processed
my Social Security
application.
When I got home, I
excitedly told my wife
about my experience at
the Social Security
office. She said, 'You
should have dropped
your pants. You might
have gotten disability
too.'
And then the fight
started...
______________________________
__
My wife was standing
nude, looking in the
bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with
what she saw and said
to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old,
fat and ugly. I really
need you
to pay me a
compliment.'
I replied, "Your
eyesight's damn near
perfect."
And then the fight
started........
______________________________
__
I rear-ended a car this
morning...the start of a
REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of
the other car, and he
was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and
said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which
one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight
started.

Really nice and smart.