₦airaland Forum

To all of you who have suffered in the hands of your spouse - my heart goes out to you! I still cannot fathom how, in this modern day, a man can beat a woman for any reason. Discussing and opening up about this problem is the only way to go, and kudos to you brave souls who have written about your experiences.

Violence is never the monopoly of one of the s,exes,violence affects both men and women,only that women are more vocal about it.Men are domestically abused by women every day but because of the fact that people will laugh at them or label them a wimp,they are afraid to expose their problems to the public.
PEACE!

I agree with you in theory, but this is the same kind of problem that I see with the term "reversed racism". For example, if a black man calls a white man "cracker" and says he "hates all white people" it's not a good thing, but it's not the same thing as a white man calling a black man "nigger". Why? Because the history of oppression. The black man is in minority, as are women ("minority" here is not only numbers, but refer to a group of people who have been discriminated). What I mean to say is, women beating men is naturally a very bad thing and should not occurr, BUT the reality is that because of cultural values and oppression of women, there is a higher percentage of women being abused by their male spouses than vice versa. The abuse of women is not only something that occurs becasue a man is violent, it is also due to cultural and social values; for example that women who are abused "deserve it" or "have provoked it", that women should be "obedient", "chaste" and the value many people have; "That the women's only role in life is to please and serve her husband." These values are just as dangerous to women as a man with a violent temper in terms of abuse, because they enforce the image of women as a property of someone else, and not an individual.

Men, if you are truly against abuse of women, it's time to step up and see that the problem lies with this patriarch society we live in and not with women. We have the right to express ourselves and live our life to the fullest.

This is a fun thread  Let me tell you a little bit about my country - Sweden!

Sweden is not a "new" country by any definition; the earliest settlers can be traced back around 10.000 years when the holocene-ice age withdrew. But the name and the actual country was defined around 1.000 AD and the first laws and regulations were written in the 13th century. "Sweden", or the swedish word "Sverige" means "Land of Svea", and Svea is basically a symbol of motherhood.

Today, Sweden is a constitutional monarchy with a democratic parliament, which basically means we have a king but he holds no real political power. The government is split up in two, "Regering" and "Riksdag", led by minister of state Fredrik Reinfeldt (since 2010). The two largest political parties are the social democrats (Socialdemokraterna) and the conservatives (Moderaterna).


History: Sweden has been a monarchy since it's birth. Usually the monarch was a king, but in some instaces also queens like Queen Margareta (1353-1412),  Queen Kristina (1626-1689) and Queen Ulrika Eleonora (1688-1741) held the throne single-handedly. Sweden was a catholic country up until the 16th century, when king Gustav Vasa, backed up by the swedish people, banished the catholic church and seized all it's wealth in favor of a national, protestant state-church. During the 18th century, Sweden expanded its boundaries by declaring war on other countries such as Norway, Finland, Denmark, Russia and Germany, which propelled the country into massive poverty and famine. In the early 19th century, the famine was so overwhelming it drove people to start immigrating to the United States. One third of the population immigrated to the US, in hopes of creating a better future for themselves. Because of neutrality during the second world war in 1940, the economy began improving and during the 1960's and 1970's the modern state of Sweden emerged.

Views on men/women: Today I guess we are known for being the "most equal country on earth" (that's what we want to think, anyway, ) but the thing about Sweden is that Equality. Is. A. Big. Deal. I'm not saying that 100% of Swedes think like this, but our constitution clearly states that equality between the sexes is fundemental, and is regulated by many laws. Women are not only allowed to work, they are expected to. They are expected to care for themselves and support themselves financially at all times, even when married or in a relationship. The belief is that you can't have rights without obligations, so with hard work comes equal rights. Women have the exact same rights as men, which means that no-one, not even her husband or father, has any authority over her. A woman can abort a fetus legally up until the 18th week of pregnancy and has the right to divorce as many times as she wants to. 

Family: We do not have extended families in most cases, and most swedish people do not take care of their parents when they get old for example. This is because we have a strong feeling of independence in all ages, and many parents will not allow their children to care for them. We instead have retirement facilities provided by the government. Caring of the children and taking care of the home is in a modern swedish family divided between the man and the woman. Because most men and women work, daycare and kindergarden are a necessity and is provided by the government and is tax-funded, 2 is the average number of children for a swedish couple. Any form of physical punishment of children is illegal. Children (both male and female) are seen as adults when they turn 18, and are then allowed to vote, marry, get a driver's license and drink alcohol.

Religion: [/b]Most swedish couples do not marry, neither in church or in court, before they have children. Many people are agnostic or atheist, but that does not mean they do not have faith. Faith for many swedish people something personal that you do not discuss. The protestant church is still the largest church in Sweden, and is known for being very liberal. They for example allow same-sex weddings (since 2010).

[b]Typical ”swedishness”: Some typical "swedish" traits is being moderate, independent and self-reliant. Also minding your own business and allowing people to care for themselves is very swedish. Showing off your wealth in any way is considered bad and people will judge you for it.

Swedish food: The traditional swedish food largly derives from when Sweden was a very poor country, so the traditional food such as salt sill (salted herring) köttbullar med potatis (meat balls with potatoes) Knäckebröd (hard bread) is food that used to be very, very cheap to make. But I'd say fish in all forms is basic swedish, traditional food because of our many lakes. We do on the other hand, eat a lot of food from other nationalities. Pizza is almost considered standard swedish food nowadays

Some good things about Sweden/Swedish people: We are very loyal, funny and open minded once you get to know us. Sweden has a high living standard and you have good social protection (such as tax-funded health care and schools (from kindergarten to university) and you get economical support from the government when you are sick, unemployed and when you have a child you get 80% of your pay for being at home and caring for your child for 18 months).

[b]Some bad things about Sweden/Swedish people: [/b]We are very, very reserved. Do not be offended if nobody will speak to you on the bus! It takes a while to get to know us. Racism is still a major problem in the country, as is unemployment. Swedish weather (we have winter from around october/november to march/april). Hubris. We think that Sweden is the best place on earth, and we tend to see other nationalities and countries as sub-par.

Some swedish phrases (pronunciation in bracket) :

Thank you – Tack (Taak)
Hello, how are you? = Hej, hur mår du? (Hey, hur moor do?)
I am well = Jag mår bra (Yak moor braa)
I love you = Jag älskar dig (Yak elskar deey)
Good day = Goddag (Gouddaak)
Good evening = God kväll (Goud kvell)
Good night = Godnatt (Goud naat)


I think that's about it! Sweden has quite a large Nigerian population and we have many Igbo, Haussa and Yoruba communities in the various cities.

This is a fun thread Let me tell you a little bit about my country - Sweden!

Sweden is not a "new" country by any definition; the earliest settlers can be traced back around 10.000 years when the holocene-ice age withdrew. But the name and the actual country was defined around 1.000 AD and the first laws and regulations were written in the 13th century. "Sweden", or the swedish word "Sverige" means "Land of Svea", and Svea is basically a symbol of motherhood.

https://careers.lawline.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/sweden-map.jpg (Sweden marked with red)

Today, Sweden is a constitutional monarchy with a democratic parliament, which basically means we have a king but he holds no real political power. The government is split up in two, "Regering" and "Riksdag", led by minister of state Fredrik Reinfeldt (since 2010). The two largest political parties are the social democrats (Socialdemokraterna) and the moderates (Moderaternas).

Minister of state Fredrik Reinfeldt:

[img]http://www.qx.se/uploads/f4/42bdc8a075e22366fa1e99df34dc2e.jpg[/img]

Sweden has been a monarchy since it's birth. Usually the monarch was a king, but in some instaces also queens like Queen Margareta (1353-1412), Queen Kristina (1626-1689) and Queen Ulrika Eleonora (1688-1741). Sweden was a catholic country up until the 16th century, when king Gustav Vasa, backed up by the swedish people, banished the catholic church and seized all it's wealth in favor of a national, protestant state-church. But during the 18th century, Sweden expanded its boundaries by declaring war on other countries such as Norway, Finland, Denmark, Russia and Germany, which propelled the country into massive poverty and famine. In the early 19th century, the famine was so overwhelming it drove people to start immigrating to the United States. One third of the population immigrated to the US, in hopes of creating a better future for themselves. Because of neutrality during the second world war in 1940, the economy was improving and during the 1960's and 1970's the modern state of Sweden emerged.

Queen Kristina:

[img]http://www.kungahuset.se/images/18.10192751118fbc4c1380002241/GRH+samling+portr%C3%A4tt++0504+drottning+Kristina+1626-1689+av+Jacob+Heinrich+Elbfas.+Foto+Nationalmuseum.+500+bred.jpg[/img]

Today I guess we are known for being the "most equal country on earth" (that's what we want to think, anyway, ) but the thing about Sweden is that Equality. Is. A. Big. Deal. I'm not saying that 100% of Swedes think like this, but our constitution clearly states that equality between the sexes is fundemental, and is regulated by many laws. Women are not only allowed to work, they are expected to. Caring of the children and taking care of the home is in a modern swedish family divided between the man and the woman.

An advertisement from the 1970's promoting "pappaledighet" (Paternity leave)

[img]http://pareriksson.files./2011/02/pappaledig.jpg[/img]

Most swedish couples do not marry, neither in church or in court, before they have children. Many people are agnostic or atheist, but that does not mean they do not have faith. Faith for many swedish people something personal that you do not discuss. Some typical "swedish" traits is being moderate, independent and self-reliant. We do not have extended families in most cases, and most swedish people do not take care of their parents when they get old for example. 2 is the average number of children for a swedish couple.

Swedish food: The traditional swedish food largly derives from when Sweden was a very poor country, so the traditional food such as salt sill (salted herring) köttbullar med potatis (meat balls with potatoes) Knäckebröd (hard bread) is food that used to be very, very cheap to make. But I'd say fish in all forms is basic swedish, traditional food because of our many lakes.

Swedish Knäckebröd (hard bread):

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/5/5a/Knaeckebroed.jpg

Some good things about Sweden/Swedish people: We are very loyal, funny and open minded once you get to know us. Sweden has a high living standard and you have good social protection (such as tax-funded health care, schools (from kindergarten to university) and you get economical support from the government when you are sick, unemployed and when you have a child you get 80% of your pay for being at home and caring for your child for 18 months).

Some bad things about Sweden/Swedish people: We are very, very reserved. Do not be offended if nobody will speak to you on the bus! It takes a while to get to know us. Racism is still a major problem in the country, as is unemployment. Swedish weather (we have winter from around october/november to march/april). Hubris :/

Swedish traditional festive event called Midsommar (midsummer) when we celebrate the arrival of summer (the biggest event in Sweden after christmas):

[img]http://www.sweden.se/upload/Sweden_se/english/Theme%20sites/Celebrating_new/midsommardans.jpg[/img]

I think that's about it! Sweden has quite a large Nigerian population and we have many Igbo, Haussa and Yoruba communities in the various cities.

[img]http://icanhascheezburger.files./2007/10/128367966988125000ohaiicalled1.jpg?w=468[/img]

Oh and next time I'm just gonna buy my own okada and keep on rollin

MsDarkSkin: I agree completely with you. Thank you for the good advice! I just wish that we could have talked about this before I went there, but next time we go I'm going to be prepared. Maybe he thought I knew these things already. He does understand and accept a lot more than I give him credit for, he has only lived in Sweden for 3 years after all. I understand now that I have to be clearer with what I am willing to do and not do, and not assume that he is trying to control me in every way possible and be frustrated about that. One thing he said when we were arguing was, after I said that I am doing and accepting everything in order to please him, he said that I should never try to just please him and be quiet about it. Being near each other every single second for two weeks is going to be frustrating for anyone, so I'm not going to throw in the towel just because we had a fight. But I do realize that I have to start thinking and listening more to him, and being more clear about my needs, my views, opinions and situations where I feel he is being disrespectful, because in his mind, he is only trying to help me.

Tosinville: Thanks for the tips on where to go in Lagos. We went to Ikoyi for a few days but didn't really like it It's too quiet, I like all the hustlin and bustlin on the streets   How about Festac, is it safer than Mushin? I really loved Festac.

She's gonna give it to her lover, who is gonna spend it on a trip to the US, truefax, I saw it on Africa Magic!

I did not go out by myself in Mushin, but I would some day want to be able to, god forbid, go out by myself in Lagos without a chaperone.  

Tosinville:
Mynd_44

Bro, your word sounds hypocrital to ur own people & i observe u always try to please these foreign girls probably to look nice or something by neglecting your own stuffs, are you not a Nigerian? don't u know what is proper & improper here? tell me whats wrong to let your white girlfriend knows these are the right ways to dress, do things, time to take a walk etc here just for the little time in Nigeria before going back to europe since she's not from here, if its a girl that truly understand & love u she'll stick to ur rules NOT that you're trying to control her.

What is it that I should understand, though? If you love somebody you don't make rules on when to go out, what to wear etc. and then get upset when she/he doesn't want to follow them. I realize that you do and act differently in Nigeria, but there is a big difference between learning a new culture, and not being "allowed" to do what other women are doing in the country, like taking an okada to the market by yourself.

I was in a relationship with a swedish, white man for 6 years and grew tired of washing his dirty underwear and cleaning up after him. so there are plenty of white men who don't know the value of equality either, Ranoscky.  

The thing is that his family is not conservative and have no problem with me, and I don't dress slutty or improper by any standards. I'm always covered up unless I'm going to the beach (while in Nigeria I did wear a bathing suit). It is true though, MsDarkSkin, that I did not do my research on Nigeria before I went there, and I think I have been more than naive about the whole situation. One problem with us europeans is that we assume everyone to have the same moral standards as ourselves on sex, marriage, children etc and we feel like people are trying to insult us when in fact they are only living by their own moral codes and conduct. There are some things I can accept and which I have accepted, for example not walking out by myself in Lagos (we stayed in Mushin, which I reckon wasn't the safest area) and I took his advice more than once about suspicious events. He knows everything about Nigeria there is to know, and I don't know anything. So I agree with you that I have to start listening to him about specific cultural codes in order to adapt to the Nigerian culture. BUT I refuse to believe that misogyny is a part of any culture, and I want to feel accepted for who I am, how I dress, how I choose to act (I always treat everyone with respect of course) without it being an issue. If anyone has a problem with that they are free to say so, but it is still my choice.

I do have to say though that after the big blow-out we had, he was back to his normal self, which makes me think he was being pressured by others. But he should be man enough to stand up for me against those people.

Ah yes, I was referring to the "western world" (whatever that means) in terms of culture, not geographically. We refer to ourselves here as "the west" anyway Maybe that's just wishful thinking.

Yes, I'm white! Too white for my liking but my skin never seems to tan even a little bit

E-Engineer:
@op, r u attractive? Am not tryin to veer off point but d answer to this question is important to d state of ur relationship

LOL, beauty is in the eye of the beholder but I think I am attractive. I eat healthy, I exercise, I'm quite young still. I have other proposals from men who are interested, if you know what I'm saying

tom28:
OP no offense but your nigerian boyfriend surely acts like a bushman.So he instructs and tells you the type of clothes you should wear abi?
If i should ask is he a member of mountain of fire or deeper life?
they are the ones who act just like the way you described your boyfriend.

None taken. I asked him if he was ashamed of me or something, because he thinks I dress like "an old woman" (It's retro!) when I'm not. Sure, I wear a lot of vintage and second-hand clothes but that's my style. I don't really care what people think about the way I dress, but the fact is that it was not a problem with him until I came to Nigeria. He is Igbo and from Igboland, brought up Catholic but is not a follower of christianity anymore, and he does not go to church. I've known him for almost two years and we share the same views on what a family should be; that the man and the woman both put 50% each of the rearing of children, taking care of household, working, etc. This traditional view on women is not something I've heard from him before, so that's why it saddens and troubles me.

I do think that he feels some kind of pressure, not from his family because as far as I can tell they are very open minded and have greeted me with open arms. He is still in Nigeria, and will be there for a few more weeks (I had to go home to Sweden for school). I do believe some of his friends on the other hand, have different views and are quite conservative in their views about what a woman should be.

Another question that I have is about safety: how safe is it for a white woman to walk and do business unsupervised in Lagos? If I ever do go back there, I want to know if I am able to for example go to the market or go buy clothes without being concerned for my safety. We were there together during the strike, and that is a special situation for sure, but if I am to go there for a longer time in the future, I do not want to rely on anyone else.

Thank you everyone for your answers so far!

Hello Nairaland, this is my first post and I'd like to introduce myself. I'm a 25 year old female from Sweden, I study archaeology at the university and I work part-time as a mail distributor. I fell in love with a Nigerian man, my co-worker, about a year ago and this january we decided to go to Lagos to visit his family. I'm in love with this man because he is an honest, hard-working man, we have the same humor and views on life in general. Dating him has felt 100% right when we have been in Sweden. But I have had to reconsider this when travelling to Nigeria with him. I, as many swedish and western women, am very independent, I work, I pay my own bills, I save money, I do everything myself and don't need a man to do anything for me (no disrespect, it's just the way I've been raised). I was raised by a single mother who taught me that nothing in life comes for free - you have to earn it by working hard. In Nigeria, the respect that he usually has for me was not the same. Initially, he didn't like the way I dressed, and commented on the way I acted. He also told me it was not safe for me to go out by myself, because I might get kidnapped (?). I accepted this at first - he is Nigerian after all and I am not, and I really don't know the culture. But after arguing about my clothes for the umpteenth time I put my foot down and said that I don't accept this disrespectful behaviour any more, and that I would go back to Sweden if he did not stop trying to undermine my confidence and my individuality. He then acted like normal, with the usual respect that he has for me and if there was something I wanted to do like go out, we would discuss the dangers and he would respect the decision I made. BUT when we discuss marriage, the issue is still there and he claims that the husband is the head of the marriage and in charge of the woman when they are married. This is not something I am willing to accept.

I know it's difficult for him being torn between cultures like this, in one end there's his family and friends in Nigeria expecting him to act in a certain way and in the other end there's the Swedish culture where equality between the sexes is not only a necessity to get by financially and emotionally, but also determined by laws. In Sweden, a woman is a resource and the traditional job of raising children and doing housework is no longer only for women. If I ever get married, I am still going to work and make my own decisions, and keep the part of me that is MINE. We have friends who are in a relationship (the woman is swedish and the man nigerian) and they have children but are not married, and they live pretty much like a "normal" swedish couple, and this is fine with my boyfriend. I'm just worried that this issue will come up when we have children or get married and it's too late to do anything about it.

I love him and am willing to accept many things from him, but discriminating my rights and my freedom is not something I want to do. I know it takes time and I am willing to put in hard work in trying to understand the Nigerian culture, while also bearing in mind that understanding each other and respecting each other's differences is a process. I am not trying to change him into a swedish man in any way, the only thing I am asking is equal rights and obligations in a relationship. The same rights and obligations for the man and the woman.

I would be very grateful if somebody would please explain what equality means in your relationship/marriage with a nigerian man, and how it is shown in your everyday life. I would also appreciate your views and comments on my situation. Thank you!