₦airaland Forum

Thanks for sharing your wisdom, everybody. We will go and think about everything you have said. We appreciate you and wish you all the best with your own lives as well.

Bye.

deniyor:
1. What is your dating history like? empty or being dumped countless times

I have given and received heartbreaks, and i am not new to relationships.

deniyor:
2. what is hers? why is she still single at 40? I meant the REAL reason she is still single at 40 not the official story

The REAL story? Well, she had to break off a very long-term relationship that was not worth it. She was very patient with The Guy and he wasted all her time, dancing round.

deniyor:
3. As a uni / college graduate, you couldn't find any girl in your entire sch during your years there? Are you that wowo or you just absolutely lack game?

Thanks. To another guy I may be considered wowo but I am above average looking and attractive to women; and I surely don't lack game. I don't need to think about that.

deniyor:
4. Wetin carry you go online to start a 'casual' friendship that developed into a blossoming romance?

It was a theology group online and not a dating site. Mere coincidence!

deniyor:
5. Have you admitted to her that you really hv a problem with her age? proofs 1. your heart sank 2. you lied to your bro abt it means you are also not comfortable abt it.

She knows. And I did not lie to my brother. He guessed her age and was wrong. I corrected him eventually and he was like what's the difference?

deniyor:
6. B4 you met her, what was your requirements in women and how hv they changed since you met her?

My requirements in women have not changed a BIT. The only thing I didnt have a rigid requirement with was the age of the woman, and that's where there is a problem today. Hilda fits the bill PERFECTLY otherwise.

deniyor:
7. you want kids?

Yes.

deniyor:
Answer those questions to yourself. Might point you in the right directions. Feel free to post her of course

Done. Thank you.

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Nakedwire. Thank you. I love her unconditionally and that's why I am even considering marrying her despite the troubles involved. BUT I dont want her to get hurt. The society has a way of hurting non-conformists and I don't want her to be one of them.

Just imagine it was Hilda who made the OP. So many insults would have been flying in her face by now by these great NL people. I love her, but if I need to leave her for her to TRULY have happiness free from trouble, I will gladly do it.

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Sochan. Another very useful post. Thanks a lot for this, sochan.

Thank you, everyone.

[quote author=Mrs, Eve link=topic=581676.msg7489065#msg7489065 date=1294502126]If it makes you feel better.  I will take one for the team.[/quote] You are too kind.

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harakiri:
12 years older you say?

It's great and dandy if it's just a fling but can you honestly tell me that you would be ready to settle down with a 37 year old? You're 25 right now so i guess you wont be thinking much of marriage until you're at least 30-35. Imagine how old she would be by then. Imagine being 35 and she's 47. . .can you marry her then? Hmmm?

You are quite right, harakiri. Until Hilda I never planned to settle down till I was 29 or 30. But like with all other things in life, I am trying to adjust. Thank you very much.

harakiri:
***[s]all these children from nairaland sef dey tire me[/s]***

Truly children like myself must grow. That's why I'm asking for advice from you all, hopefully mostly consisting of wiser and elder ones.

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Omolola1:
@OP, The gap is too much, but then age is jxt a numba

Thank you very much, Omolola1

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deniyor, at first I didnt think it will go anywhere cos of the age gap, but over time I started considering it anyway.  I dont think Hilda was/is desperate. Honestly I made the first move after we had gotten quite close. I am not new to relationships so I know what it is. I know that if it is not Hilda, I might still meet another person close to her in traits.

Hilda is going to be reading this as well anytime from now.

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deniyor, Hilda is not a "woman with a kid". She adopted the baby, and that is something I will definitely do soon, myself. We both believe in giving a helpless child a home.
Dust up my confidence? Sigh. Once again, I say, I am not a starter in this stuff. I recall teenage years of studying and applying DeAngelo. This is not a case of confidence or being a wuss. My heart just cannot deny Hilda as being my woman if not for her age.

[quote author=Mrs, Eve link=topic=581676.msg7488847#msg7488847 date=1294500333]None taken. Next time read.[/quote]

Your initial post was ambiguous, Mrs Eve. It could have either meaning

If you are not so concern with having children then what you waiting for?

But it's okay. . .

Take care!

[quote author=Mrs, Eve link=topic=581676.msg7488691#msg7488691 date=1294499113]Please HOOKED ON PHONICS much! I said if you are not CONCERN with having children then what the wait?  You right I am not Nigerian.  What you felt the quick kick in the nuts?  [/quote]I'm sorry I guess I misunderstood you. Please don't take offense.

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queensmith:
thats not true- theres not 1 element of truth in that! marriage is between a man and his wife and the BEST marriages are those between couples that have managed to keep it that way!
the BIGGEST PROBLEM in african marriages are those caused by outsiders
not having family around avoids interference it cant cause instability i dont no where you got that from!

I understand your sentiments, Ma'am. Personally, I don't intend to let any outsiders interfere from her end or my end. In the initial phase it is better to get things right to start, not in an act of deception but in great wisdom. It is better not to make "enemies" from members of either household. Let everyone think their views are important and when you are fully established as husband and wife, you can roll out your own thing with minimal hassles!

[quote author=eku_bear link=topic=581676.msg7487944#msg7487944 date=1294492192]You have to think about what life will be like when you are 40 and she is 52, though. Or you 50 and she 62. Right now while she is still young, it might seem OK to you. But once age hits a woman, it hits her hard   (no offense intended to anybody here, just keeping it real.)

In the short terms things wouldn't be bad. She can even have kids up until age 40 (though the risk @ 37, 38 is way higher than having kids at 22 or 25.)

But I'm just worried about how things will work out in the long term.[/quote]This is one of the most useful posts to me so far. I have also heard that women age faster than men but I never thought of this now that I need to. Thank you very much eku bear. We will think about this.  

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toba:
child abuse

Okay sir.  

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[quote author=MzD@rkSkin link=topic=581676.msg7488223#msg7488223 date=1294494834][color=#0055bb]Hmmmm. Honestly I say do as you please because you are an adult. The only I am saying is that most men do not mature before they are well into their thirties and most women in the thirties already have an idea what they want in life so do not be surprised if the relationship seems more like mother and son, if you are not on her level mentally or financially. [/color][/quote]Thanks a lot. One correction though: at the risk of sounding proud, Hilda looks up to me in almost every regard. Somehow in my life I think I matured really very early. The mother/son thing just cannot be. At the worst, if we were not in love this would have been be a big sister/little brother thing.

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Abugani:
I agree with eku_bear. What would it be like when you both grow old,she 62 and you 50. I'm a woman and personally,i dont like the idea of of having a younger guy as a boyfriend talk more of marriage. From what you've said though,you both are kinda head over heels for each other. But lets face it,lets face reailty,they'll be too many compatibility issues,submission issues,you know and without true love and willingness to sacrifice,the whole thing will come crashing down right before your eyes and then it'll be a mess. Don't get me wrong,even with a younger girl,it's not perfect but it's ideal. But in this case its not. Forget age being nothing but a number, thats just a way people like to decieve themselves.you're 25 and she 37, Hw does that look? Its so wide,you're not even peers. Honestly i think that r/ship is like a time bomb that will explode soon enough. Think hard and goodluck.

Thank you so much Abugani. I am glad to hear the same thing eku bear said, but from a female perspective. This is also very very useful. We will think about this too. Thanks again.  

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tolu001:
There is nothing wrong in dating an older woman, but u must be very sure of what you are going into especially in the area of compatibility. I will advice you give the relation sometime, study her very well and make sure she's all what u wanted in a woman before u take any major step.

Dont rush things, give yourself sometimes to understand each other very well and make sure it's not just some infatuations.

Thanks a lot, tolu001.

You said we should not rush things and I want to thank you for that. The question before us is: should we bother with a relationship that will most probably not culminate in marriage?

Ulsherlan and Dulcet thank you. That is the main issue: the society we live in.  

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Plutarch, hmmm so we should take some time apart? Thanks for the advice.

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Queensmith. Thanks but you know marriage is not an isolated life. Its a family and socio-cultural affair as well as it is interpersonal to husband and wife. We cant cut them all off, it will create instability over time

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Mrs Eve. I never said anything about not being concerned with having children, Mrs Eve. I am asking because these are fellow Nigerians who will understand my case. Probably you are not a Nigerian. Thanks.

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Slap1. sigh. You are right. I know 12 years is a lot!

Dear Nairalanders,

Happy New Year. I have been reading posts from all of you but now I have to register cos now I need advice.

Sorry I had to modify all my posts on this thread for the protection of identities:

I am Kevin, a 25 year old Naija guy in love with Hilda, 37. I met her online 7 weeks ago on a theology group (not dating site) and we found out our ages as we introduced one another. She lives in the UK, I live and work in Nigeria. We are deeply in love with each other by now and we communicate very frequently.

Question is can I marry her? What do you think?

Hilda knows about Nairaland too, so we decided to ask about this here. In particular, we seek Chaircover and Siena's advice but others should please advice us too. In a multitude of counsel there is wisdom.

Kevin Kabi