₦airaland Forum

TV01:
Knuckbuck, hi.

I'm sorry to hear abut your predicament - one that has the potential to do lasting damage to all the members of your immediate family. However, I am heartened by what seems a very real faith and true desire for restoration of your home. I will advise on that basis.

This is not oju lasan matter - not merely by the seeing of the eye. I'm pleased that you cottoned onto that. Put God front and centre. Pray like never before, and if you have 1 or 2 close and pious people close to you please get them to stand with you on this. I am not advising that you tell all and sundry, or share this with everyone.

Second here, do not allow emnity or bitterness for your wife to build up - this may get worse before it gets better - but don't seed anything now that will make restoration harder or potentially precipitate a split. Even if only deep down, cherish her somewhat. I repeat, she is not the enemy, in some ways, even your MIL isn't.

Having said that, you have to be as wise as serpent. The family court system in the west is largely designed to punish men, even when they have no fault.

Her restraining order tactic was standard fare. Do not be lured into using physical or verbal violence. I don't know what your sleeping arrangements are, but beware.

Defend yourself, do your utmost to legally squeeze her cash, although credit companies are usually willing to lend huge amounts to just about anyone .

Remain strong at work. Keep tight with the kids and try and shield them as much as possible from their mothers behaviour and the divorce action. Be upright in all your dealings - with everyone, and particularly in this case.

I believe in due time her eyes will clear, and the evil will be clearly exposed. What I can't tell is how much damage will have been done by that time. I pray the Lord will give you the grace to deal with it and find real healing and restoration.


TV

^{...wannaweds, KYS - know your spouse, there are reasons we have traditionally been wary of people with certain backgrounds. Never commit to anyone who has not demonstrated that once married, you come before any other relationship. And don't feel misgivings about giving everyone esle distance, and proactivley marginalising or removing those who could impair your union. Reduce your risk as much as possible upfront}

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Thanks for your advise. I have sought the path of righteousness in all of this. I hold no grudge against either my wife nor my mother-in-law. I know it's the Devil attacking marriage and using my mother-in-law and my wife. I see it as a trial and I wish to overcome it one way or the other. I keep myself pure from adultery. We sleep in the same house but different rooms. She thinks denying me sex will frustrate and make me agree to everything sooner but she has no idea that my pledge is to God and not man. I'm being careful because I've had STI before from her about 4yrs ago but I forgave her. I'm a forgiving person.

JaySea:
@ Tearoses and Thorpido;
I am glad seeing the valuable insight you both are adding to this discourse. God bless you guys.

@ Knuckbuck: the two posters know their onions when it comes to issues like these. I hope their contributions help you. Hold on bro. I feel your pain.

Their contributions has greatly helped me. Every contribution has helped me. My advise to everyone out there is to never bring your in-laws into your marriage. If you are unfortunate to get a diabolic one, they'll destroy your home and brag about it.

Askseek:
Like others have said, I think you must face the fact that your marriage is coming to an end. She is intent on a divorce. You can't save one who does not want to be saved. Sometimes you also have to call someone on their bullshit for them to come to their senses. I hear your fear but you need to educate yourself on Texas laws as it applies to custody or conservatorship over your kids. Yes there is a preference to have children stay with their mother but the mother still has to meet the requirement. Texas takes into consideration parental conduct during the marriage and how it can affect the kids. So arm yourself. Gather all the information you need, dig for dirt and use it as leverage. You worry about child support, you should not because the courts determine how much you pay monthly. To give you an idea, as long as your income is below the $7500 monthly threshold, you will be expected to pay 30% of your net income after deductions for social security, federal & state taxes, health insurance and union dues. This also ends when the child is eighteen or until high school graduation.
I know not an ideal situation but the home you describe is worse for the kids to grow up in.

It's true all what you've said. I am praying everything work out but at the same time I'm ready for the worst. It's sad but that's the reality. On custody, so far the best I can get is joint custody with her being the primary custodian. I'm not in a bit worried about child support. It's even a whole lot cheaper than what I spend a month on the home. She's beginning to realize it now. She's talking less about divorce in the last 2 months but I'm watching keenly. I'm beginning to reduce my expenses on the home and the pressure is mounting on her now.

tearoses:
I'm not being funny, but since you are the one who will feel the financial pinch the most, after the divorce settlement, then don't waste your money on lawyers, cos you are going to need it later.

She wants the divorce, so let her pursue it . . .With her own money.
Lawyers are only just going to be laughing to the bank at both your expense.
Only spend on what is absolutely necessary regarding legal fees.

Very true. I thought about it and told her I'll stop paying for mortgage until I finish paying for my lawyer fees and she's been acting like a rabbit caught in headlight. I can see the confusion in her eyes. She's stopped talking about divorce for over 2 months. I'm watching and taking my time while praying.

tearoses:
I''m sorry bro. I feel your pain and the desperation to have your family back

HOWEVER!!.....

It takes 2 to tango and your wife is not playing ball
I have heard of this scenario twice and both marriages ended in divorce albeit one of them was trying to get back when she finally discovered that grass is not greener on the other side after she has been used and abused by old baba's and yahoo boys in Naija.

In one case the woman went on to have a baby in the middle of all of it and there were some heated arguments between hubby and the other man who also claimed the baby was his.
Both women were under the influence of bitter mothers who had no proper income and so lived off the handouts of other men out there and Soon they were introducing men to their married daughters.
To be honest with that kind of woman mentoring your wife, it will take God to bring her back to her senses.
To them igbadun is popping champagne at bars on the island rather than taking their kids to the cinema on a cold Saturday morning.

I totally understand the fact that you want your wife and family back, but until she is ready there is little you can do.
In the meantime, please keep your kids safe from all this craziness and be there for them.
Explain to them what is happening if/when they ask and explain to their caregivers so that they are able to quickly notice is all this begins to affect their school work and psychologically

Your wife has asked for a divorce so do zero your mind that this is a possibility and you start looking at how this will affect you financially and otherwise and prepare.

I will also say pray, because prayer does work and God can change anyone so in the midst of this all, do put God in the situation.

Also try and be happy, hard as it is, because health is affected by stress and that is the last thing you want right now.

Coach TV01, bellong, 5minsmadness, acidosis, raumdeuter please advise a brother.

Thanks. What you described is almost exactly what's happening between her and her mum. I've heard about them going to bars with men while she's in Nigeria. The annoying thing is, my wife comes back broke than a joke each time she comes back from Nigeria. She looks ragged and all sorts. Give her 3 months and she insists she must see her mother by all means as if to say she'll die if she doesn't go to Nigeria. Everyone here has asked her to stop it but she listens to no one but her mum.

thorpido:
It's a tough one.
The foundation is a faulty one.A lady who doesn't come from a stable home has a question mark on her.I'm not saying any lady who doesn't come from a stable home will be bad but one has to thread carefully and be sure the edges are straightened out first.You need to know who the parents are.

Well,your MIL is obviously diabolical and promiscuous and has a hold on your wife.Try to discus with your lawyer on the chances of getting custody of your kids if you show proof of infidelity and travels for long periods.IF your wife will get custody no matter what,there's nothing you can do.

I don't know how you can wait this out in case the divorce proceedings stall and see if your wife can change or the children grow up a bit before you proceed with divorce.If you can buy time,I believe things can still change.
I believe in prayer and I know it works too.

I believe in prayers and that is what I've embarked on since the start of the year. If not for God my wife and her mum would've succeeded since January. Her mother convinced her in 2010 to send money home for business. The whole 2010 every cent my wife made while she worked went to her mother. As a man I thought it's my responsibility to provide and care for home so it didn't matter to me. Mistake! My mother-in-law concluded that my should continue sending her money like that every month. My wife quit her job and went back to further her education only to find out all the money she was sending to her mum was wasted by her mum. You'd think she has learnt her lesson. Fast forward to 2016 and it's started all over. My mother-in-law believes my wife should be sending her as much money like before but does not realise she doesn't work like before. My mother believes I'm the reason the daughter no longer sends her money like before. Illiteracy is a disease.

chigoizie7:
I understand u perfectly well bro. I really don't know what else to say.

In all of this matter I seem to be the only one that is looking at consequences of our actions. BTW both our lawyers it has cost us over $9000.00 and we have not even started going for hearing yet! Even my wife is beginning to complain about how expensive her lawyer is! It's as if she just starts something to see how it goes then doesn't know what to do about it.

chigoizie7:
She filled for divorce already?

Woow, that's a bad turn.

I would have suggest u start complaining to the social workers in the country u live in.
Give them detailed account on what has been going on, why she was always in naija, if possible, get enough evidence as to what she does and the type of life she lives, and ur fears that it may start influencing your kids.

But, what do I know? I think it is a bit late now. As whatever u do now will be seen as trying to cover up or fighting to win.

Getting Child Protective Service involved only throws the kids into unnecessary spotlight and it goes in their record. Here your record go with you where ever you and onto ur old age. I've thought about that and that's why I've kept CPS out of the matter. Remember we are just another black immigrant family. Another one to add to statistics.

JaySea:
@Knuckbuck

I met and married my wife in Nigeria. We dated for 3yrs before marrying. There is no nonsense feminist jazz whole we were in Nigeria. We've been here since 2007.

obiorathesubtle:
You will overcome..


I guess now, you should have decided what to finally do..

When push comes to shove I know what I must do. My hope is to get my family back for the sake of everyone.

Onegai:
Hey knuckbuck, do you have proof that she travels for long periods? You see, the law favours the mother but if you can prove that there's a very strong chance she will travel for long periods and leave her children unattended (even with friends is not acceptable), a good lawyer can put enough fear into her heart. I think you need a better lawyer, not expensive but one who is good at Family Law. Go online, there are a lot of forums about this situation. Read responses there till you are a name of a lawyer who demolished the opposition. That's who you need.

Can you get proof of the infidelity? I'm not trying to push for a divorce but sometimes in order to get a cease-fire you must be able to show your opponent you can match fire for fire.

I think you can fix the relationship between you and your wife but you have to first put out the fire burning now. Your wife cannot have her mind turned so easily unless you and Life contributed to it. So let us get her to the negotiating table first and see what else can happen.

I have all the proof of her infidelity and frequent and extended international travels. It doesn't matter what lawyer you get, they can only tell her she can not keep travelling and give her primary custody until she breaks it while being the custodian. She gets first choice as long as drugs are not involved. Her hope is that she can get her mum to stay and take care of the kids over here but it's fallen cos of the mum's cancelled visa and passport issue (God no dey sleep).

obiorathesubtle:
Lol, it's the price.. And I'm sure you know nothing on Earth is free, there's always a price..


ABACHA was unorthodox, but we did enjoy prosperity under him... Compared to what we're seeing today, one would subscribe for a slice or more of ABACHA right now...

I have my kids with me jumping all over me and it makes it even harder thinking about losing them. If you read the content of the restraining order my wife and her lawyer drafted, your jaw will drop. They wanted to finish and take everything with me practically naked with nothing. My wife and her lawyer did not want me visiting my kids without supervision. I had to get an expensive lawyer to counter all the lies. Wickedness is real.

obiorathesubtle:
I'm trying my best to be objective..


You made good point(s) can't argue further..


All I can say I'm summary is, A permanent solution is the best solution...

A permanent solution can be drastic unless it is something ordained like that of Sani Abacha.

sisisioge:
Haaa, this one is hard o. Would it be so terrible to let her go? I think her continual stay with you could be harmful considering diseases and MIL's boldness. Biko, let her go.

By the way, ensure you don't leave your kids with her. Fight her tooth and nails for them. You can't afford to have the family defeat to the third generation. Marriage keeps getting scarier mehn!

I intend to let God fight for me. Marriage is getting scarier by the day. Back in the days a woman will anything to stay in marriage but now they don't care. Here in the US, especially Texas, Nigerian women are just abandoning marriages. It's really scary. Having said that, there are really successful marriages as well.

qhutetomsel:
Op the Lord will restore your marriage.
Cc zaynie

Amen and Thank you. I need all the prayers I can get.

ademiD:
op, may. God see u through
cc . greatgod2012
marvelousGod
thorpido
cococandy
aflyingbird
tearoses
efemnaxy
onegai
freecocoa
sisisioge
5minsmadness

Thanks you

obiorathesubtle:
Anytime brother...


Well, if you want to take the prayer approach, I suggest you do it and be a stalwart at prayer.. Dogged and charismatic..

That is my approach. The prayer approach is the only way for me.

obiorathesubtle:
Lol. I'm absolute, I'm loving.. I want to seat at a table with friends and not enemies.. I never want to make enemies.. But I meet adversary with brute force..


Has kept me going, you will be loved and feared..

Thanks for all your contributions. The sad thing is our lives including hers will be so much better but because of her wickedness she doesn't care how much is wasted fighting. This is a woman that has no steady job nor education.

obiorathesubtle:
But you have forgotten context..


You said a lion who has lost its ability to hunt, something equal or suitable will be made available.. Call it effect of instinct.. The Lion will always kill or die, because it's nature for a lion to kill and hunt..



The is about a thorn in a man's flesh, do you nurse it and hope for the pains to one day seize while the thorn is still very much in your flesh? Your skin can't grow on a foreign body like a thorn. You'll die of an infection or blood loss or something.


The only approach is to remove the thorn from the skin and throw it away..

1. Where it will never pierce you or anyone again.

2. It might've been useful to the rose or whatever plant that bore it.. But it hurt you, or do you think plants don't have feelings?? So you throw it away.. The plant's loss.. But your gain..


It's never a win win.. Something has to go out for peace to be permanent..


My advice, make it look like a natural death, give her a befitting burial..

Extreme, but effective.. No margin for error.. Eliminate the woman, she has lived out her purpose and more.

Lol. You will never have an enemy because they'll be too scared to confront you. You like solution permanent and brutal.

obiorathesubtle:
Extreme? Lol.. Cut the Tree from the stem and watch it grow up again, uproot from the root and it'll never grow again...


This is a bad tree and should be treated as such...


Open, don't say I didn't warn you when monster-in-law is still alive and kicking, you managed to scale through stage one of her torment... Do you think stage 2 or stage 3 would be easier? Kill the witch and live free...

LOL. Let's show mercy maybe she'll repent. My prayer is that she changes for the benefit of everyone.

JaySea:
@ knuckbuck:

Bro I feel your concern. The thought of your kids turning out the way you strongly abhor is driving your decisions so far. And not to talk of the amount of effort, time and resources that will be lost if the divorce goes through - the western world is very different from Nigeria (the woman gets to keep almost everything).

From what you've mentioned so far I have extracted these points:

- the wife was a good person until she reunited with her mum.
- the MIL made it clear she was after some benefits from you and/or her daughter ( her wanting to travel to the US seems to be her driving motivation; even when it is desirable that her own sons go there in her stead).
-your wife came to Nigeria to see her mum and she came back with some fetish juju-like objects from a so-called pastor her mum introduced her to.

My conclusion from above is that your wife is being hoodwinked by her mother. God knows I am not religious but I understand the environment I live in and what people can do when they are desperate to get whatever they desire without being guided by humanist values.

You MIL is diabolical (in this context, someone who will use juju powers to get what she wants). She wants to control her daughter so that she can get some benefits from you two. If your wife was previously not like this before their reunion then she is NOT the enemy here. You MIL is.

Now to solutions: there are many ways to skin this cat. Obiorathesubtle has given one, which appears extreme, but nevertheless contains a valuable essence. Which is the need to break her hold on her daughter.

Obiorathesubtle suggested you eliminate the MIL, I say just destroy her negative influence over her daughter; eliminating the MIL should not be considered.
Now before I continue I need to ask: are you religious or not? And if you are; Christian, Muslim or otherwise?

(Your religious belief will determine the kind of solutions I will suggest. And once again I want to state that I myself am not religious; I only know the nature of people in this part of the world)

You marriage is worth saving. Don't give up yet. Your wife is not the enemy.

Thank you very much. I'm very religious and I'm a Christian. My MIL is a very wicked woman. I've invited her over to the US but she was turned back when she got here because she lied in her travel document and her false certificates with false names and dates of birth. They cancelled her visa and put her on a plane back to Nigeria without letting her into the country.
She has been trying to get a new Passport for over 2yrs but with the new biometric data system she has not been able to do that. Even with all these problems she's still desperate to come back.

DeLioncourt:

brother... the truth is that the matter is almost out of your hands. if you can't get them to reason with you or anybody, my suggestion is simple. save your neck.
before sh*t goes awry and they do something royally stupid...that may endanger you or your kids. as a wise man once said "fly wey no gree leave shit go follow am enter grave".
if she can't consider the children and behave herself, you have to save yourself n the kids before you're pulled into the black hole they're creating.

You are right but it's not easy trying to save the children because the law will favor her and that is my fear. They have tried all kinds of things but God has saved me. There are things that have happened that I know it can only be God saving me.

CaraJewel:
u can sell d property she is eyeing..keep d money or invest in it witawt her knwing..pretend like ur broke or smtin...if ur work can transfer u to anoda place..better too

As long we are married everything I own is called community property. I can not sell without her approval. But we can both agree to sell. As a mother she practically hold all the aces.

CaraJewel:
m a sister o

Yes o CaraJewel. We have been wasting money on things that don't even matter. She hired an expensive Chinese Divorce lawyer in her desperation. The had been eating her money for months before she finally filed for a divorce with restraining order. It cost me money to get my own lawyer that responded and the restraining order was withdrawn. They hinged all their case on the restraining order and in one fell swoop they withdrew it.

CaraJewel:
y i knw..fligt ticket is almst 500k...plz stop givin her money...if tz joint acct close it...

I have closed most of the avenues. Joint account closed and all that. A woman will always find a way. She's run our credit card cos of this nonsense. My brother, I'm just tired. She thinks she's fighting me but it's the whole family she's fighting. I'm paying lawyers, she's paying lawyers, we r wasting money that could be used to take care of us.

CaraJewel:
tough tho...chai God wat a woman..if u were in naij no nid for divorce..jxt return d f.ucking bride price..hope d older kids knw dat tz deir mum datz wrong

My older kids are 8yrs old. They r twins and they understand. They hate the fact their mother is always going to Nigeria. She's travelled to Nigeria 3 times this year already all because she wants to be with her mother and all that cost money!

JeffreyJamez:
At least try.......is she Nigerian?

Yes she's Nigerian. My lawyer has told me plainly that she gets to keep the kids. We can have joint custody but she gets to keep the kids.

JeffreyJamez:
If you can prove she cant take care of them, cant they give you the kids?

Most States in US are mummy states. What that means is, in the case of divorce a woman gets the children. Unless u can prove she is incapable of taking care of the kids which is difficult unless she is a drug addict. Even if she does not have a job they expect the man to support by giving child support. That's what she's hoping to get.

CaraJewel:
shez tryin to be smart..show her ur smarter ur lettin her get away wit dis tinz...she won agree xo tz u dat wil agree na..jxt carry urselve and kids to nig...stAy like a month lemme see if she wont follow den u send ur own divorce papers..two can play..tz nt about u bt dose kids çuz if dey stay wid her plus ur mil..mmm dey fit hate u join

You are right. My job will not let me go to Nigeria to stay that long. I'm too busy to be travelling back and forth. We already have a case in court already. I know she thinks she's being smart. I know that but in the end I see her foolishness. I feel for my kids. I can wake up, take my bag, leave all my properties for her and within two years I'll be back! It's not about that, it's about my children and how I want them raised. If we were in Nigeria, we won't even be having this nonsense.

JeffreyJamez:
KnuckBuck.....there is nothing to save here....be real.....Give her what she wants..I believe your children will understand...You might think they are too young to comprehend what is happening, but trust me, they do...let her go and concentrate on raising responsible kids.

The way it works here, she gets the kids. The thought of my kids growing up with her under the influence of my mother-in-law sends a shiver down my spine.

Twaci:
I still don't think divorce is a good idea. Insist on separation for the meantime.

But if the matter continues this way, let her do what she wants. You will just have to move on.

But here's an advice that comes from experience, no matter what happens, do not let them distance your kids from u. Always keep in touch no matter what it takes.

My wife knows I love my kids. She uses them as bait. She spent so much money on divorce lawyer thinking that she can force me into a divorce, I took my time and that has really frustrated her. Now she doesn't have that much money so she is dragging her feet about the divorce. She has not withdrawn the divorce from the court so I'm not resting yet.

CaraJewel:
..i hope ur kids are not always seein diz drama...if tz possible let dem stay wid ur parents...come to nig and do d divorce..ur wife nids to learn a harsh lesson cuz all ur doin trying to bring her back is null..plus from ur post it seems shez cheating

My kids unfortunately see all these things but they r really young. The way it works, my has more to gain if she gets divorce here and there's no way she'll agree to have it done in Nigeria. Yes, my has cheated with the active conniving of her mum. I'm not proud of it, but it is what it is.