PART 1:

The shower was as hot as his skin could tolerate, the steam filling his lungs, cutting short the breath in his throat. He then forced himself to endure an ice-cold spray until his head shivered. he reasoned that the shock of the extremes might clear his mind or at least, reduce the numbness. he had to think, he had to decide, he had to listen. His mind was a sponge but too frozen to absorb all the disturbed emotions. The voices in his head seems suddenly deafening. He wishes there were a volume control, wishes he could tune out the sound of the universe and peer directly into his own mind, find there whatever it is that has cast this pall over his soul, help himself in revealing it to himself, in revealing it to God for his understanding and mercy, and for his forgiveness if in fact there is anything to forgive. He felt his heart grow inside his chest, until it felt as if it was two sizes too large.

There are no instructional books when a man needed them, or at least not ones that worked. Not for the surprise that had been dropped on his lap. His thoughts goes back over the year and it seemed as if his mind was a photo album full of snapshots of moments he had once just imagined. He felt lost in a sea of sand, in a pool of sharks. The very sharks he had hatched, feed and watch mature into monsters. He knew the day would come, and he was going to be right at the very spot he was now. He had smoked enough in a room filled with leaking cooking gas. He raced to his 2009 Toyota Corolla, that was how much of worth was left of his dignity, of his manhood.

Here he was now on the highway, hands firm on the wheels and his eyes firm on his mind looking for answers. Looking for that little bit of hope, of assurance. He placed his feet firmly on the accelerator and he was just getting started. he was going so fast that he knew at any moment he could travel back in time, hoping if he did, he would have a chance to erase all his wrongs, start afresh. Next all was suddenly still, the silence was so sudden and blessed he could hear himself breathing. As he hears his very toneless heart beat fade away, remembers that the note was still in his pocket, and the door whispered shut behind him. he was home and all else history.

The story hits the news; 'Terrible accident but driver survives'.