₦airaland Forum

Hi
I have this male friend I’ve known for almost 20 years. He courted me back in the days but I was not available so we remained friends so far. Life keeps pulling us apart and bringing us closer (geographically). He now lives on the other side of the world but we cal each other all the time. He’s my best friend, support and confident. He knows everything about me and I about him.
We talk a lot, laugh to the same things etc.

We stayed at each other’s place multiple times over the years, even sharing a bed now and there but he never tried anything

Now we are both 40 with a few failed relationships under our belt.
He keeps telling me how he wants to settle and start a family. We talk a lot about the fact that the best way to go is marry your best friend, someone you really know and so on.

I have this odd feeling that he’s trying to test the waters with me but he never says anything definitive

I’m really wondering if I should make the first move and tell him we should give it a try.
I’ve never done such thing in my life and I’m afraid he would say no. If he does, our friendship would probably take a hit.

What do you suggest ?

Someone said something about the fact that I talked about the new guy’s status...
I’m not going to lie, it matters but for 2 imports reasons:
1- a lot of guys from my home country have been hitting on me but most of them are after an easy way out of Africa. I don’t want to be used as a living visa. This guy has a situation that makes it easy for him to travel all around the world and he has no interest in immigrating anywhere

2- most men I know, especially African men, don’t want to marry women who make more money than them. I’ve seen it time and time again. It always end up with the guy feeling emasculated and resentment on both sides

me myself I couldn’t care less about status. Never did.

Yes the other baby mama lives in Ghana so it wouldn’t be that difficult to deal with her being in the picture. It’s more of a matter of principle now

The new guy was very evasive about why they got a divorce. All he said was that they had very different expectations in life and started arguing way too much. I appreciate the fact that he didn’t trash her but I was a bit suspicious
So I went to my cousin’s wife. She said they fought about money essentially. She wanted a certain kind of lifestyle she thought they could afford. He in the other hand us a very low key kind of guy and didn’t like her showing off and stuff.
This is the one sided version I have

Sorry this will be a tad long …

I’m a 39 yo single mother with a very demanding career. I live in europe so dating and finding a mate is almost impossible for me. Lately, I’ve caught baby fever but only have a year or so to try (not even sure it would work)

As of now, I have only 2 options on the table:

1- I get back with my baby daddy. Problem is this S.O.B bailed on me when I got pregnant (after 5 years of relationship) and was a no show for our daughter’s first 18 months.
I had to take him to paternity court to get a reaction. Now he sees her regularly and pays child support.

Since we reconnected, he has been trying to make amends and get back with me time and time again.
I resist because I have some dignity left but I still love him. I also found out that part of the reason why he refused to claim our baby is that he got back with his high school girlfriend when things started to get shaky between us so he had a few months of overlap and got her pregnant too.

He keeps saying he’s on board with us having baby #2 but I know from experience that he is not reliable. Still the big plus here would be to have both my kids from the same father. I still love and know him now like the back of my hand. Marriage would be out off the table and I would wind up in a de facto polygamous partnership. I don’t mind not having the paperwork and when I think about it, most women in my entourage are in similar situations. Some are married to men who have official second wives, married traditionally or religiously or long time mistresses. Since she lives back home and us in the EU, I wouldn’t have to deal with her on a daily basis.

2- I get with this new suitor. He’s my cousin’s best friend and I’ve known him since my teenage years.
I knew back then that he had a thing for me but I was young and his friend’s cousin so he never did anything about it…until a year ago.
We reconnected on FB and since then, we’ve been flirting. He want's us to spend time together and start a relationship.
He’s a decent man, a divorce with an 8yo son. He has a good situation back home as head of a bank but the distance is a real problem. He doesn’t have enough time to travel back and forth so it would be up to me to commute. To top it all, it would be a brand new relationship to build from the ground up and it would take months before I know if it’s a viable one and probably years before we even consider taking it to the next level. So in this case, it would be too late for me to try for another baby and I would never do an "ooops" baby to any man.

So now I'm in a dilemma. Go with the devil I know, try for baby 2 but accept to share him with another woman or strat from fresh, take a chance and forget about having another child.
What would you do ?

Apina:

Could you please elaborate ?

adamsoghene:
only beside u don't any formality's in reconnecting to him.

What do you mean by that ?

nobody else please ?

jayextra:
Go with the 2nd choice...Goodluck

Thank you

Sorry this will be a tad long …

I’m a 39 yo single mother with a very demanding career. I live in europe so dating and finding a mate is almost impossible for me. Lately, I’ve caught baby fever but only have a year or so to try (not even sure it would work)

As of now, I have only 2 options on the table:

1- I get back with my baby daddy. Problem is this S.O.B bailed on me when I got pregnant (after 5 years of relationship) and was a no show for our daughter’s first 18 months.
I had to take him to paternity court to get a reaction. Now he sees her regularly and pays child support.

Since we reconnected, he has been trying to make amends and get back with me time and time again.
I resist because I have some dignity left but I still love him. I also found out that part of the reason why he refused to claim our baby is that he got back with his high school girlfriend when things started to get shaky between us so he had a few months of overlap and got her pregnant too.

He keeps saying he’s on board with us having baby #2 but I know from experience that he is not reliable. Still the big plus here would be to have both my kids from the same father. I still love and know him now like the back of my hand. Marriage would be out off the table and I would wind up in a de facto polygamous partnership. I don’t mind not having the paperwork and when I think about it, most women in my entourage are in similar situations. Some are married to men who have official second wives, married traditionally or religiously or long time mistresses. Since she lives back home and us in the EU, I wouldn’t have to deal with her on a daily basis.

2- I get with this new suitor. He’s my cousin’s best friend and I’ve known him since my teenage years.
I knew back then that he had a thing for me but I was young and his friend’s cousin so he never did anything about it…until a year ago.
We reconnected on FB and since then, we’ve been flirting. He want's us to spend time together and start a relationship.
He’s a decent man, a divorce with an 8yo son. He has a good situation back home as head of a bank but the distance is a real problem. He doesn’t have enough time to travel back and forth so it would be up to me to commute. To top it all, it would be a brand new relationship to build from the ground up and it would take months before I know if it’s a viable one and probably years before we even consider taking it to the next level. So in this case, it would be too late for me to try for another baby and I would never do an "ooops" baby to any man.

So now I'm in a dilemma. Go with the devil I know, try for baby 2 but accept to share him with another woman or strat from fresh, take a chance and forget about having another child.
What would you do ?