₦airaland Forum

TheOyibo:
Where do you live op ? You shoud also consider that interracial relationship are not really accepted by average people, they will allways point at you, from both sides.

That's true

I live in a country where interracial relationships are not an issue. I spend my time mostly at work or in a work-connected environment, thus surrounded by well-educated and open-minded people. Nobody would point at us. As far as my family concerns, they do not mind at all. Their first questions would simply be "is he a honest man? are you happy?" and that's it.

MrsChima:
If you fall for his shit after warnings....you deserve everything bad or good comes your way.

I would rather prefer the good part!

duduade:
okay i commend you for taking a bold step... Have u ever been to Nigeria...?? If not, please take out time to come visiting the family of your man... Try to observe him in his environment... Spend time with his parents if possible let his mum know know about your inability to have a child due to an illness.. In other words, im not discouraging you rather i am encouraging you to be more careful.. Lotta hugs..

Thanks!

I have never been in Nigeria. I plan to travel to West Africa pretty soon if things go well.
Of course, I really want to see him in his environment. I see him at home or outside when we have video calls but this is, of course, very much different than real life, or the way he may be when/if I am there....

IcyIcy:
I understand your concern on risk of inviting him over on social visit and what if he goes missing during the period. If you both have known longer period, you would be in better position to judge if that will happen. In any case, dont rush into inviting or visiting till you are confident where this relationship leads to. There are lots to work out and if both of you can compromise from where to live, kids, financial etc. The stages leading to marriage in nigeria may differ from guys to guys or family and it may seems so strange compare to our white culture, find out his view on this matter. Example: Not all couple in nigeria went through dating before marriage, some are friends for years and the guys just propose marriage, after the lady accepts then follow with a short courtship before marriage. Also if his family permits marrying out of their tribe or non nigerian.

Respect comes in many different ways and manners, through the dealing with him you would roughly know what he expects and how to handle him. For instance, give him full respect in front of his family and friends no matter how bad the situation maybe and only discuss in privacy of you both. Respect him as the head of the family and all the decisions he makes. If argument occurs, be it his fault... let him win, let him have the final say and dont bruise his ego. Its not easy handling a nigerian man, they can be demanding, pushy, secretive, hot tempered etc but once you have won his heart and trust.. he will love and care for you like his queen.

My dear, thank you again for share your opinion with me. It is very helpful!
I am trying to understand how it works, the cultural differences are immense, but one can always overcome them, once they are known.
I wrote already I am usually very quiet, I do not like have arguments. As said, we had a very hard beginning, I was terrified by the all thing, and thus, there were lot of discussions. Now it is much better, I feel better but there is a point: I am very jealous because I am so far away!
Sometimes I cannot stop going sarcastic if I am afraid he may think to go out with other women. He is extremely well-looking and he has a lovely face. I do not know if all Nigerian men are so handsome (then, lucky people! men and women ) but in comparison with the men here he is definitely far above average. He would have 100s of women queueing for him here
For the rest, I think he knows the power he has on me and I think he also enjoys it a lot.
In the western environment, I am considered a strong unconventional and brilliant woman. I think he is perfectly aware of it.
I do not know....maybe he also likes that somebody like this truly loves him....

ayocool:
Actually some people dont believe or care about age in a relationship, you can be happy together regardless of age.. If you look younger than your age, you are pretty and have good manners/attitudes and you are confident that you love him enough to respect him, be humble and submissive (Just try to find out more about basic requirements that you must meet to win over a Nigerian man) you are good to go. Even if he does not love you really now, you can win him over fully with time. If you conquer every reason that will make him think of having or wanting another woman back home or over there if you finally be together, the chances of him dumping you will be slim.

If he has kids already, it would have been more convincing, but every man wants a kid someday, no matter what you do, this may eventually be the only reason he would be looking for another woman no matter how much he loves you.

Since you truly love him, and he has been there for you, giving you his time, making you happy and all, somehow you are both balanced thinking of the pros and cons. You can both help each other, he gives you happiness, you give him happiness and change his life somehow through the green card or Europe stay. Even if you die tomorrow, you wont be forgotten for the life changing and opportunity you have given to some generation with that, and then you will die happy and in love.

Its better you find a way to meet up in person, get to know each other and have a feel of reality. The first meet should come with you meeting his people and analyse how they feel about the relationship. DO NOT rush to engagement or marriage at that time.

I came 100s of times here today looking for the right words to answer you but they did not come out. .. . I have realized that this is again one of the interesting opinions I got here that I cannot get from my friends and people close to me.

I do not know if I am pretty ,say I am normal, I am surely different from your beautiful women there, for the rest, I am polite, I am well-educated, I quiet but being submissive is not in my culture. I like to keep my house clean and I can cook and doing all the housework. This is just basics for me. However, all these things are not necessary here in a relationship, as it is supposed that the two are equally involved in the practical stuff. I understand that this is not the case over there.

Here if you tell as a first thing to a man you want a child he will "evaporates" in a second Of course also here men like to be fathers, it is in our human DNA, but it takes time and it is not the first point, Plus, there is a substantial difference if one cannot have or does not want to have children: one is a choice the other not...

What I find interesting is the part on pros and cons, is that enough to build a true relationship?
I would be happy if he likes me for who I am rather than for what I can give him, but it may be a sort of common field.

I only know that I really care about him and that he can be so lovely: today he surprised me with such a sweet video call that I am still smiling like a child....

Tymax:
He said he told his family about you? Someone he met online? Come on! He is fake.

Soon, he'll suddenly have "financial problems". Then he's going to ask you to send him some money. Please don't send a dime.

We are very insistent on biological children here in Nigeria. If he says he's cool with you that way, believe me he is either lying or he has children here in Nigeria. Ask him to come to your country to visit you. Don't cover his travel expenses. If his love is deep enough to forgo children, what then is the cost of travelling abroad for love for a few days?

Don't fall for this guy. If anything looks too good to be true, it most probably is.

So hard, so true...
Thank you

wristwatch:
I have never been a fan of online relationship especially the one that has to do with white woman to African men except rare cases that work.
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It can be sure this guy really loves u and maybe not.

Op u have read stories of how your counterparts were jilted in the past. Do not add yourself to the list of the jilted by falling into his trap.

Look before u leap.

I do not have anything against Internet dating, I was not looking for a boyfriend, it just happened... I hate the large geographic distance, in any other case I would have already visited him.

A part from this, you are 100% right abut the risk I am facing...

IcyIcy:
Hi, I read your little story and could share some experience. I was in the same situation like you before and had gone through all the possible stress, fear, emotional etc for years in my relationship with 2 nigerian guys. I am Asian but now happily engaged to the second nigerian boyfriend, a popular writer here in Nairaland where we met.

Firstly, I would suggest you take more time to know this person and preferably have him travel to meet you in your country first. If you want to travel to meet him first time, either arrange meeting in nearby country or make sure you have family or friends knowing your exact location at any time. Its true most nigerian guys dont date older women and they do want kids of their own but there are exceptions, knowledge of their culture and native language, ability to cook their food and house keeping are important also. The way you speak and present yourself is important too, they prefer gentle spoken, obedient, humble, giving them lots of respect and submissive woman. Aggressive, argumentation and drama will stress them out.

You mentioned his family already know about you, no offence but dont take his words for real unless you have spoken to his family personally and have their contact numbers. Most nigerian man dont present ladies to their family or bring female home unless they have intention to marry her. Its different from our white culture of inviting friends over to our family home for meals or visiting. If he starts asking for financial help or dropping hints then it might be a red flag. Its difficult for me to write everything as individual situation, senario might be different. You will be the better judge after spending more time to know him and best of luck on your african king.

Thank you for your words!
You touched several points that are very important: I think the most important thing is to meet him. First, I asked him to come here, but I have realized that he needs an invitation letter to get the visa. This brakes me a lot: this would mean that I officially carry the responsibility of his presence in Europe. What if, hypothetically, he does not come back home or disappears? What shall I do?
Thus I thought that it would be a better idea to visit him in Benin, but this requires safe logistic and lot of information and detailed planning. I am a woman that is traveling alone. This is always an issue it does not matter where I am. in this case, it is even more important as I need to protect myself.

You mention the word respect: now this word may have different meanings depending on culture. I do not have any problem in saying that I grew up in a culture in which a couple shares the same rights and the same obligations. Thus, the idea of being submissive does not belong to me. However, I am very polite, I do not scream or shout at people, I smile, and I do avoid conflicts, I do not like discussions...they hurt me. He knows I do everything he asks me, I do all he wants because I want to make him happy, I respect him, his culture. I want to know always more and more. He knows I will be always by his side. I do not ask him jewels, gold, stuff like this. I do not mind. All this is not important for me. The only thing I asked him is do not lie to me. I can stand a lot, I have lot of understanding but I want to know the truth. Always.

Family: I completely agree with you. This is why I put the sentence in that way.

blublahd:
like you said most, not all.
No negativity here, better safe than sorry.
I believe i read a story in family section about a white lady who got married to a nigerian dude abroad who had a child and a wife in nigeria and still went on with the white lady telling her the lady at home was an ex while his family including his mother played along to the scam.
In sum, he used the white lady to get a green passport planned to abandon her with their child till the white lady found out and brought it to the family section.

You know I also read that kind of stories when I started to read about Nigeria, and Nigerian men, before I was not aware. They scared me to death

imas:
I think I know what you feel, it has happened to a friend of mine, he fell in love without any physical encounter, only to find out later it was a guy fooling around with him.

it feels horribly...between October and November I was going crazy, I mean pathologically crazy
it was like having feelings for somebody that does not exist in real life, my brain could not accept this

omg i cannot sleep tonight...

ronald4lif:


I am sorry if I am dashing up your hopes, I understand how you feel, loving someone dearly whilst the odds of being with them are against you. But truth must be said regardless. Please, I will strongly advise you still give him the benefits of the doubts, not everyone can be judged on same standards. But while at it, endeavour to start detaching yourself from him gradually that's if the signs aren't bright. He may actually have good intentions you know.

truth must be said regardless....
yes

It is not that I was desperately looking for a man: I have a nice family that loves me (although I live alone and my family is not in my same country) I have very good friends that love me. People love me, I do not know exactly why, people like me "naturally" maybe because I smile and I help or who know what...my collaborators, my students they all like me. There are also a couple of men that really love me as in "being in love with me" that would support me and help me in any moment of my life. And also men that like me only for sex, if I can be so explicit...I have a very hard but fascinating and special job, I visited all continents but Australia that I am going to visit soon, I have met Nobel prizes winners, I would have never dreamt of all this when I was a child! Thus, I am poor and normal but I have a lot...and I miss something.

I have never had hopes about him the beginning was terrible, we started in a very bad way for several circumstances. It was just the game of a moment....and then it became something more complicated, hurtful, until there was a turning point, in December.
Since then it seems that things are almost growing in a "normal" healthy way but I am not sure....

You know when I look at him or at his picture the idea that somebody with such a lovely smile and face can think to hurt me is like a punch to the stomach....it is unbearable!

Ops sorry for being so lengthy...

ivyy:
Dear its not easy not at all but I don't think the love he says he has for you is sincere. Am not saying you shldnt keep dating him I just want you to be conscious and on the alert so that you wldnt b so devastated if anything goes wrong okay?
In short ,do not let your guard down totally protect yourself

You are very kind...
I know this will cost me lot of tears, most of the comments simply confirm my worries...

BoboYekini:
lol, my point is that 'love' is often a game of 'what's in it for me'. My people will say 'eni afe lamo, ao mo eni to f'eni'. You know whom you love, you can never be sure who loves you.
So why not enjoy it while it lasts?

P.S. The poem isn't my original. Its by Sir Walter Raleigh (its just stuck in my head since I first read it as a strapping lad. Cynic that I am. )

The poem is great!

I did not know it! Thank you!

ronald4lif:


I don't think there will be any need for that I am afraid. Below are some few things you should be careful about and areas where the dots doesn't add up;

An average African is usually after European women for migration purposes and to be able to regularise their status once abroad. And in most cases they file for separation from their spouses after having their residence permit and marries from home. This doesn't apply to all of us but most are of this mentality.

The end result of this relationship or to put it bluntly his target is to emigrate to your base. Always have this in mind.

Make out time and pay him a visit and spend few weeks together, it will help you make better decisions.

Finally, an African rarely loves women that are older than them genuinely. Such a practise it's widely from by many. Simply put, we go for younger women.

Like I said earlier, be careful and I hope this works out well for you. But if it doesn't at the end of the day, please stay off online dating sites, the disadvantages far outweighs the benefits. All the best

Thank you for your very wise words even if they make me cry because this is what I have learnt and I also know.
Also for Europeans a woman that is older is still a kind of no-go thus this was one of the things that worried me since the very beginning. I was absolutely terrified from this situation. He jumped into my life with his full strength, it is extremely difficult to resist him. I always do everything he wants, he looks at me with his lovely face and that is... I am lost. Nothing else matters.
I have even told him that if I will have a permanent contract I may really marry him, if things develop, but only if I will first meet his family and only if we do everything according to the Nigerian style.

so this is the situation, I am lost, it does not matter how logic and strong I am in my work this did not prevent me from all this....and honestly I do not see why I should be the lucky one the one that got the Prince....it is against all statistics....

ivyy:
Looool

Dear Ivyy,

I think your advice is the right one but this does not mean i tis the easy one...

ronald4lif:
The attention comes after her again

Ma'am you already heard it from her majesty; reason with your heart not head. Finito

my head is extremely logic, this is because of my work, my head tells me "run away"
my head tells me this cannot be true, it does not exist, it cannot exist.

my head does not agree with me and my heart.

this is why I am here

BoboYekini:
Blublahd is wrong. You are not that old.

How do you know it?

have you already found my official webpage??


kidding....

I am not that old and I look much younger than I am but I am still to old for my Charming Prince....

ronald4lif:


Okay, the response came a bit late but that's still fine. I was following the thread from the beginning and a lot of readers have addressed areas I had concern.

It's good you both have had video chat, at least his identity has been confirmed but what it's left now is to confirm if his intentions are genuine. I came to Europe through similar process but except that we never met online, but that's by the way.

You already said you are not rich and with the little savings you have I ll advise you don't part away with money for now. Just thread carefully and be prepared for the worse, but God forbid any negative thing happens. You can equally visit Nigeria at your convenience, this ll give you the opportunity to live, study and have first hand information about him. There are a few other things I would have loved to advised but I am scared of the bashing that may follow from other readers. Just be careful.

Thank you very much for your kind answer, I think you can contact me also per mail, if you prefer, there must be a link in my profile.

UyiIredia:
A female physicist, not bad. In any case, I have my worries since many Nigerian youths marry foreigners to get a shot a better life abroad and not for love. This doesn't mean there aren't geniune Nigerians out there, I have colleagues married to Americans. I think you should plan a visit, see him, his friends and family and take mental notes before you commit yourself to him.

Thank you for the "not bad as a physicist"



I am seriously thinking to visit him, as mentioned, there are serious political issues at the moment that make the all thing even more complicated but I think this is the only way I have...

BoboYekini:
Stop being so negative. For the record, most dating scams are where the scammer pretends to be a young attractive female and targets older males. Or pretends to be a young virile caucasian man and targets older females. Get it?

My dear BoboYekini, Blublahd may be right! You forgot that I am older than him...

ronald4lif:
Hi Littleduck,

Please I have a few questions for you; where is your Prince Charming based? Have you had a live video chat with him? How long have you been having this affair and what online media platform did you both met.

Thanks for your prompt response

1) He lives in Benin but he is from Nigeria and he is planning to go back to his country.
2) yes, we have live video chat and i love it
3) All this started in August but it turned in a different way in December.
4) I met him at http://meetattheairport.com/ (I would strongly discourage people to access this place because it full with scammers...)

BoboYekini:
@littleduck, you bruise easily




@misblah, @your profile, whoa girl. Grrrrr

uhm.... yes....
I have a strong "virtual" personality so to say....
but in real life I am very quite and smiling

blublahd:
care to share those mistakes?

It is difficult. I would prefer not to speak about it because it is not my life.
I spoke very openly about myself here, this is under my responsibility, but I rather prefer to keep him out of this. I have just given a couple of info to people that said it was maybe a girl or a scammer.
I can somehow say that this is not exactly the case....some how...
he is surely not a girl I know it for sure

BoboYekini:
And, please stop insulting the young man by coming here fishing for dirt and acting like the new Mary Slessor. Oh, I want to save a nigerian man from poverty, but will he stay my lapdog for life?
If you want the mandingo, be brazen enough to go for it, stop being such a sissy. YOLO.

This is not what I meant.
I have never said I want to save anybody else but me from being "sentimentally abused"
I do not think this has to do with poverty or not
I am poor also, I wrote it some where above
If you like to spend a bit of time to read what I write before to be so aggressive, I would be very glad.
I asked for an opinion, nobody has to read what I posted. it is a personal choice.

BoboYekini:
@littleduck, trust me. You say you have feelings for this man. Why then is it so hard to believe he has feelings for you too?
You say you are a scientist? Then surely you know that 'love' is PEA chemicals flooding the brain and creating a relatively short-lived euphoria. Thus requiring it to be stoked from time to time to ensure longevity. Bottom line, in matters of love you aint promised tomorrow.

My advice? if you've taken things this far with him, then please go all the way! YOLO baby. Enjoy. Don't let us party poopers ruin your romance. If he hasn't asked for any financial favors so far, then he likely won't until you're actively together. So get that worry out your mind.
In fact, let me lay it out in clear scientific terms: you both are disadvantaged, you maybe age and health-wise, he probably financially. That's the major rivet holding your relationship tight. You're both getting a pretty good bargain outta this. But who says it aint love?

yes, I have also thought about it in this way...

it is that I am afraid, the more the time runs the less I am afraid but I am still afraid....
I am sure that I am going to catch a fly and visit him very soon...because this is the only way I see to solve the dilemma

Ipledge:
are u an Irish? Or where exactly are u from?

Honestly i did not want to give so many info about me
but...Ok, I am italogerman

blublahd:
pardon my bit of insensitivity there.
I brought that bit of granny to show where such pressure may arise even if he is a brother who would not mind and something paramount in culture also.

I understand it.

I told you this are the opinion I need to read, even if they are "strong"
I only made the point that it was not my choice. It was an illness.

Aprime:
Don't be Sad.
Buena suerte a usted dama blanca.

Thank you!

Ipledge:
sorry which European country issue green card? I think u guys issue EU blue card

You are right but we also say green because everybody understands
last but not least, i do not know where my job will bring next, I may need to move to USA...

imas:
@littleduck, who made the first contact?

He did

and I know what it means...

I will be very honest, none of my closest friends is happy with this situation
They all say I should give up speaking with him....

Khalessi:
Did he tell you about his oil wells and his dad's money that was seized by the government?

no

I know he is poor, I know how he looks like, I know his name, his father name...
I know he made mistakes in the past..and hopefully this will stay in the past, of course this does not protect me from being abused

dnawah:
my dear u really tried for that soup o!some girls here cannot do it.but next time add plenty palm oil ok,

Thank you for the tip!

really?
more than what I used?
I though it was even too much. OK I left most of it inside the pan when I served the Egusi soup....