₦airaland Forum

@ Tpia.
Hmn, Thats a good question. This whole experience has broaden my awareness and value of life. Sometimes, relationsip can be mutual, in other case, it can be one sided. One person can have feelings for person a and person a is like han han , am not feeling you at all. An you know what person a may also be having hard luck because he has feelings for person c and person c is not feeling him at all. To cut my story short, This life of ours is very complex, GOD made sure he distributed our haves and have nots un-evenly. I see it as checks and balances. God knows best.

So to answer your questions, it depends on what the person wants in return and also if my husband acts on it. And do you really think my usband does not have person/people that crushes on him. And do you really think that am going to be married with my husband without him having crushes on other women if our marriage is still death. Then if he doesn't have crushes or crush on others, then I don't think he is human. But when it start manifesting to a relationship/affairs, then we have a problem.

@ Shy-One:

@ Shy-One:

If I have

...d

@ This is a no joke, I don't even wish this on my worst enemy. Note that am not stalking him , bearly talk and can go years without seeing each other.

From reading through all the post that gave suggestions,  so far people a leaning towards option two. "2. Should I keep this secret and just continue with the starvation. ". Please I need more opinions, more pls.

saint10:
So I'm probably SOL on this one since the topic so old, but I need some advice and I have no where to go for it. I don't want to brag these facets of my situation vital to any advice. I am a very good looking guy, and at the young age of fourteen I fell deeply in love with a girl from my school. She was and is still very beautiful, but beyond that I feel that we established a set of morals growing up together while dating that I cannot find in any other girl. We dated for three years, and then we broke up to date other people. I never wanted to date anyone else, and I don't feel as if I ever will. I am now 19 years old, and it has been two years since our break up. I am in college now, and I have been with 24 other partners. I feel sick over this, but I feel like I am in a never ending search to fulfill what my "x" once was to me. I have decided to just stop looking and let it come to me, and i know I am very young and this probably seems silly to everyone. The truth is, in two years I have seen my "x" about 4 times, but I think about her at least 20 times a day, dream about her almost daily, and I worry about her well-being constantly. She is currently with someone that loves her, and she loves him I believe, but he really is a terrible person. He has faced criminal charges for gang assault, among other things. Anyway, I have used drugs to relieve my pain since the break up. At 17 I was one of the most intelligent and attractive students in my school, and I now I use drugs. My "x" got into drugs, and I think I started to impress her. I havent gone one week without taking some kind of drug since I started, and while I feel it is under control, I have brothers that look up to me. Waiting around to find someone doesn't hurt me, because I occupy my time sleeping around. I always use protection and I have been tested and I am physically healthy (besides the drugs), but I have been scared enough to stop sleeping around. I don't think I will fall in love again, and I don't know if I want to. I have everyone around me fooled, hence the resortment of "Nairaland?" I almost feel as if she wants to move on, I want her to be happy, but I never want to be with anyone besides her. I truly and deeply love her. For someone that has since cheated on following girlfriends, I never cheated on this girl and I couldn't even think of it. It was physical with her even at a young age, but it wasn't the physical relationship that was important to me; it was the feeling I got in her presence, holding her while she slept, and kissing her every chance I had for three years. We broke up because of trust. I had the only thing I could ever want in my grasp and arrogantly tried to contain her from her friends and other boys. I have grown, but really all I want is to kiss her everyday for the rest of my life. What the f*** can I do with myself?

Boy you have Limerence,  pls go goggle it,  You are still Young and no marriage yet. Please don't take this likely,  am talking life time,  you can have for life. Lets just say am talking from decade long experience.  You need to join a support group,  get very busy so that you don't think too much,  and please date other as much as u can. Once u marry,  its even harder. Pls read ma post in the romance section concerning ma "20 years SAGA". My post should shed more light on Limerence,  People that have not experience it takes it to be crush,   Just goggle Limerence ,  you learn more about it. Get help,  You are even lucky you had a relationship,  I never had that opportunity  to have a relationship with my limerence object,

Believe me

Tnx Omolola, This issue is very dear to me, I don't feel i'll be doing any justice by posting a 2 liner and expect to get a candid advice.

Pls don't be compelled to read it, I know peoples fellings towards long stories, that is why its stated at the top of the story. If long stories are not for you, kindly disregard .

Very Long Story!

I have been experiencing Limerence towards a close family friend since my adolescent age,  that will be about 20 years now.  I got the definition of Limerence from wiki,  hopefully, this will help in guiding you with your advice,

Limerence is a cognitive and emotional state of being emotionally attached or even obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings, but not primarily for a sexual relationship (although it can further intensify the situation). The term was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov to describe a near-obsessive form of romantic love. Limerence is sometimes also interpreted as infatuation, or is colloquially known as a crush, but in reality it is something much different. In common speech, infatuation includes aspects of immaturity and extrapolation from insufficient information, and is usually short-lived. It can be experienced as intense joy or as extreme despair, depending on whether the feelings are reciprocated.
According to Tennov, there are at least two types of love: a) limerence, which she describes as (inter alia) "loving attachment"; and b) "loving affection," the bond that exists between an individual and his or her parents and children. Limerence is characterized by intrusive thinking and pronounced sensitivity to external events that reflect the disposition of the lineament object towards the individual. Basically, it is the state of being completely carried away by unreasoned passion or love, even to the point of addictive-type behavior. Usually, one is inspired with an intense passion or admiration for someone. Limerence can be difficult to understand for those who have never experienced it, and it is thus often dismissed by nonlimerents as ridiculous fantasy or a construct of romantic fiction.

The 3 ways to come out of Limerence.
1. Consummation - After a relationship is established with your LO, uncertainty slowly disappears, and the rose colored glasses come off. At that point, limerence either slowly dies and is replaced with a lasting love type bond, or you see flaws that you didn't see before that leave you holding your previous LO in a less positive light,
2. Transference - You trade in limerence for him for limerence for someone else.
3. Starvation - When all hope (conscious and subconscious) is gone, limerence eventually fades away. This can take a LOOOOOOOOOOONG time. The average is apparently around three years, but it can take decades or Life time



Advice.
As you all know,  this is a mind issue, its been my secret because I can't really share it with my siblings or other friends because it could complicate the whole matter and get to my LO. Am currently in a support group of people with similar issue. Something that was  brought up in the support group was disclosure to the Limerent Object (crush).  If my desire is to end this torment of limerence and refocus on my marriage and family, and if I make that clear in your communication, then perhaps contacting him could be helpful.But this are OYINBO PEOPLE, I want to share with naija people because of our cultural background.

1. If you were my Limerence object (LO), Would you want to hear this from me, would you appreciate it or think very badly of me.
2. Should I keep this secret and just continue with the starvation.

Am sorry that this is very long,  the hope is for me to release this mind issue some how,  get it out of me like a therapy to help me move on,  thanks for being a part of that,