₦airaland Forum

@queensmith, yes you're right, and while i agree that is the most important question to be asked at this time, the question should be asked between the man and his girl, the answers should also be provided between the man and his girl, not his mother, or her family or her friends, while the friend could be privy into all going on in the relationship, i believe she wont be privy to some personal things except the girl getting married does not have a personal life at all, while many of us claim to be sufficient interms of finance before marriage , there are still loads of people getting one benefit or the other from parents if the finances is there.

i had a cousin who worked hard for over a yr before his marriage, but his accomodation and their first car was provided by his dad in his first yr of marriage, and he could channel his own funds into something else, maybe the guy in question is getting a huge break/loan from mama to grow whatever he is doing further we wont know, the only parallel we see is that he has no job , but getting married, in this same country guys earning a little above 50 thousand have wifes at home not to talk of someone who has a financial wall to rely on , he is even the only child, what if this marriage is an avenue to break the shackles of mama permannently and figure out what plans he can achieve himself?, the only thing i would be against is decision making from mama and trust me loads of married couple still run to parents for financial help and get to make the decisions in their marriage themselves.

i used to believe this forum was a representation of the lifestyle/character/attitude of people in the real world out there, but now i accept this is just an avenue to express our hypocritical nature of ourselves, coming out to say somethings, claiming to stand for some principles while in life we do the opposite without blinking an eye,in this marriage issue loads has been said, if you are poor and your inlaw is funding most of your marriage na crime, if your spouse (female) funds it na crime, if na your mama na crime, the beauty of this world is in different diversities and the acceptance that what works for you does not work for me, and while we are all chasing success,the timeline of each individual is different.

i have seen people cursing guys taking roles in inlaws company on this forum, i have seen people cursing guys taking financial assistance from their inlaws to set up business on this forum, even those offered accomodation are abused as well, and i ask na everybody we dey this forum really built their success from scratch without assistance from woman, families? i 'm not ashamed to say it my mum gave me my first cash to start my business, i misused it in a bad business and after sometime that she watched me and saw things were different she gave me another one and today the business is growing gradually now, and through all this i had a girlfriend and did my introduction, and even gave my girlfriend a quarter to improve her own business. i was offered accomodation as well but as i live abroad i turned it down then.

now tell me i know loads of pple here in UK who have their accomodation sent to them by parents monthly even after studying, i know those who their parents gave houses to their son in laws after marriage, i know inlaws that were helped with jobs, infact i belong to a family where a firm owned by my uncle. a big advertising firm in lagos had about 3-4 inlaws working in there at some point, and right now cousins, and other family members still work or make their living through contracts and it is still one of the biggest firm in advertising in nigeria. i believe a 30yr old getting married and the wife have been talking and have plans towards their lifes and would not bring in his mum into my marriage and i believe the lady involved should have worked this out and believe that the funds coming from mum would make her husband stand at some point on his own, i appreciated all my mum did for me, i'm on my own now i also appreciated the fact that my girl didnt think like most on this thread hence would have worked away while i was figuring myself out. at the end of the day all this chicks here no go mind who put the money down when they see the guy growing a multi million business from what mama gave him and no go remember his many mistakes that the mum supported and provided more funds while trying to grow, but go still date am, na wa for naija and hypocrisy.

you wonder why there is so much bitterness in the world when you see miserable people come online to imsults faceless people that they dont even know, all i have put her is 'did i do something wrong by lieing and what could i have done better' not 'is she a devil/woman' and if you cant grasp that and also grasp my statement about being rude, then there must be something so miserable about your life that you could only come online and vent your anger on faceless people.

i hope this thread doesnt go the normal way every other thread degenerates into where insults are thrown here and there.i 've had some advises and opinions of posters here and i'm quite ok with that.

@busy body, while i apprecite all you have said, can i say that you've just acted in the same position which she is acting as well which is summing evrything up as me being a wimp and she the controlling devil, i have not brought this up to come paint her as the devil here, agreed the comparism with the ex is a no no, which i have dealt with and she has apologized, reality here is like they say he that wears the shoe knows where it pains summary of this relationship is we've been dating for two and half yrs, and we've been together for about 13 months in those two and half yrs, she's tried with jobs as she has linked me with family and friends both in the UK and in naija, she sends link of almost every other job, she's travelled to do business during her leave and we both put money together and she raised good profit.

maybe i should make anyone reading to understand i havent come here to paint her as a devil and me faultless but rather seek if i did something wrong by lieing and also how do we go from here so what happened not to tear us apart as i believe we've both sacrified a lot so far, reality is there are loads of ladies who have at one time been in this situation and walked away, some even plan their wedding, got pregnant while the guy abroad still calls them and believe he has a girl at home (i actually had a friend that had this experience), this happens when they feel they have nothing to give again, so as she hasnt made such move yet i cant just classify her being self centred or unreasonable but a girl under pressure. if you had her as a sister you would asker her at least in interval what is going on and what move is she and her guy making. for a girl that is being told about the success of the business and all sorts and she is not seeing it but hearing it maybe she feels a considerable/little amount be set aside to show plans of wedding as having sought opinions of people, they all said the same thing which is she just wants to feel there is a direction.

concerning the business i feel she was disapponted in herself for not believing in it and so when she got to know about the success she wanted an excuse to hide that, yesterday night we spoke at length and she has apologised for all she said, she just wants this phase to be over soon, and she is hoping the decision of the application would come good at the same time we are talking about a plan b and about different busineses we could do should there be a not so good result and she wants to put some of her funds , i forgot to say this week she talked about plans to come do her masters and take a study leave from work which is not bad. i'm happy with the discussion last night, hope and pray things works well from here, but reality about life is human beings would always be human and while you should trust your dearest ones be not suprised at some actions they could take when vulnerable we see this all the time

@busybody what i said earlier is not an insult to you and if it seems so, i do apologise.

@ivynwa, i appreciate your advises and response on this thread, the pressure is about having done the introduction, well not like we didnt plan b4 introduction, but loads of problems came up then, my mum was sick and was brought back fom US and i had to stay longer at home cos i was the eldest around, had to watch over her my self and wifey, she suprised me and assisted me a lot then, so when i look at how the pressure is getting at her now i choose to look at the good, sweet girl i know and believe by Gods grace this phase would be over soon, people just continue to pray for us.

yes you're right, i'm the man in my relationship and it has always been like that before this, we talked about that and i lashed her about that, she apologized, there's nothing else to say that has not been said, this issue is regarding lies, or in her words deception, she believed i stirred her emotions regarding the visa issue, most ladies would react as well,

btw can the mods not put this on the front page, i hope this would be respected.

thanks for all your response and advises so far, i'm not perfect at the end of the day, and have my faults, i also realize how lies or hiding the truth for the greater good sometimes could cause issues, like i said she is a sweet girl and has good character, but above all this the ability of a man to provide for his home comes first or else the sweetest lady could turn to a monster, and also the pressure of our society, families on women esp at her age and coupled with distance is bearing on her, but i would take not of all that has been said.

can i also put that i dont have issues with her, she is lovely, good charcter, sweet and nice, i just believe there is a pressure to settle down and have her own family.

this is my defence, i feel my initial lack of financial independence was the major cause of all this (if i had a job or business close to her, this would not be happening, i felt there was pressure on me and i needed to provide, my inability not to get a job should not be an excuse,i felt i couldnt sell a business to someone who never believed in it so the only way to do it was to show her the success, i believed my business was growing as well as my capital so i had to do everything to make my visa work so i could continue my business, and if i had told her my sponsor walked out she would advice i come home, first i cant come home within 4 days as my sponsor went blank then, so i had to send something in so i dont become an overstayer, and i didnt want to go back naija the way i went the during introduction with little, i need to go home with something to start a family with, i put her into all my thoughts and also thought about her health issues as she worries alot too, i have actually denied my self all loads of things just to raise this capital,i could live better than i am doing in the UK at the moment but i started this to achieve a goal, at some point i told her i was going to send some monet towards our plans at home,i sent little but sometimes cash is tied down, also i figure if i had halved the money and sent it i would not have raised all i did. to me it was a loose loose situation whether i told then or not, but the excuse of having nothing was what i never wanted to give again if i got home.

my situation now is if i have to go home now i can comfortable set up a home, get married, and have some few bucks for business, all i need is to wait for my reply and i'm ready to accpt any decision they give, but where i am now is my wifey believes she it would be hard to trust me, and i have disappointed her and lost my intergrity and i would have to prove myself to her again, my very good friend over here told me when i made up my mind to conceal what i was doing i should have made it forever and not open up, but then if your're dealing with a smart lady(of course you want your woman to be smart) and someone under pressure due to her age you cant just give some resons for that long, so this is my story and pls let me know where i went wrong mind you we dont have trust problems as regards cheating.

ps: i am still very much interested in a job role with my proffessional line in naija (environmental, health and safety advisor/consultant)should any one be interested in assisting for a job.

so i got the offer also this offer was verbal not written and subject to me preparing 2 reports for the firms major clients , the 2 reports worth 900,000 naira, and all i will get is 1000 a day to come to the office, and i would have to use my money to provide internet facilities at home to finish the reports ,i actually worked there about 3 weeks, at some point i started to write from home as it wasnt worth to leave ojodu to surulere everyday, getting to office with no internet, having to wait for director to give me her dungle, or i use mine which i pay for monthly to do their job, and the earn what 1000 a day?, i finished 1 report, the i had malaria was out for 2 weeks, and then i came back, and they said they would review me again, i refused it, then look at my visa , i had about 5-6 months left, i 've been spending money with nothing coming back in, introduction was done, i need to act fast and straight as wifey is not getting young, i was 30yrs and she was a year younger, i decided I should’nt waist the remaining months on my visa, decided i should come try back even if it raising money getting accommodation, put some funds towards wedding and have something for business even if i had to be patient for a job, i got a £4000 loan from my mum, i put some considerable amount into wifeys business (she has an official job as well although not huge pay).

i sought her opinion on the funds i had, she talked about clothings ad them stuffs from uk if i put all my funds together, i agreed that moment, i felt it wasnt bad although i was thinking of somthing better, i came back to the UK, got another call centre job about 4 weeks after i came in, along the line i met a friend at church who put me through auto trade in the UK, getting cars from auctions and stuffs like that, i put down some funds to watch it, i studied the business, i would go to my friends garage and see how well he was doing, i told wifey about it , she would not have it saying it would tie money down, when i diclosed the profits after first 2 months, she believed i was waisting my time as a result i didnt discuss further with her i wanted her to see the glory, after about 3 months, things improved, making about £2500, during that period i decided to go through the business route get the entrepreneual visa and grow my business, i had about 4 cars online every other week.

well my application became stumbling block to my business, it took me almost 3 moths to get a new sponsor who agreed to help ad eventually did, basically my documents was forwarded without the sponsors document which i later sent 2-3 months later, now i've been waiting for their reply, but what is the reason for all my story since.

At some point in feb, i opened up to wifey about my growing business, she flared up, and nagged, for the sake of respect i would not post her reaction words on here, i tried to explain to her that you didnt believe in it so the only way to sell it to you was to make it successful but she was just annoyed, and said all sorts, and as if that wasnt enough when i discovered how long the whole application process was taking and i had raised over £11000 from my business although i put them back on the cars, i made the biggest blunder, i opened up about my experience with my sponsor and that was the beggining of the end, for 3 days i received all sorts of words, worse enough contemplating walking out and how she cant live with a liar, what hit me most was her confessing that her ex who was cheating on her openly not secretly, was quite better than me in that he was actually straightforward according to her. although we are still together, and she is cooling down a bit, and i'm allowing her sort her head, and i apologised for what i did i still needed to find out what went wrong and how do i correct this.

i've been here for a while, read other people's issues even had to put in some advises few times but now i need a different perspective on mine and would appreciate if i got some, and pls if you have to insult or be rude, make it a little bit polite.

i really am trying to understand the mind and the reasoning of a woman compared to a man, what defines being selfish, self centred, what is defined as lazy, laid back and other words which often come out when relationship is not working especially as regards finances, i would say that ignoring sympathy, it is easy to say the duty of the man is to provide, every man wants to do that, no man likes to give excuses, but reality sometimes is that things dont always work how we want it to be, but its like a journey , you dont give up half-way, you overcome stumbling blocks and keep on moving but do we really decide when things would change and we can live the dream, i remember perx story on here and sometimes often wonder in the end was all her fight worth it, yes her stoy might be different from others who shared success stories in the end but to those successful can they really say boldly that they decided their destiny.

sorry for all the intro, let me get to my story, i would first start with my faults which i am guilty of , i lied, i made an application to get a visa to continue in the UK, along the line my sponsor disappointed me, infact my would be sponsor walked out around 5 days to my visa expiring when my dad was to go pick the documents and send it to as all the documents were prepared weeks before and only needed his signature, it was a business application which required huge funds, actually he had stood for me before when i came in for my masters and gave me an account worth 60 million, and promised to do this as well, i cant fault him or blame him as he was protecting himself , this is not about him but about what i did next.

i did my introduction over a year ago with the most loving and beautiful lady i fell in love with, we grew up kind of together, known her for about 7yrs before we started dating although i would come from the UK to see her (Twice), it was the best day of my life, but somethings were not right, about the time of introduction i had only abot £2000 pounds as all my savings, i had got tired of seeking a proffessional employment in the UK, i was on post study, i did msc environmental mgt, and also have a health and safety cert (Nebosh), after doing call centres fo yrs, i needed fufillment, i even at some point left some posts here on nairaland regarding seeking employment. as my lady also advised that i come home and try for a job, i finished my last contract job in the UK, went home , had my introduction, and started to apply, spoke to uncles, families .....,during all this my first mistake, i had come home about the time UKBA was closing highly skilled programme, so i didnt do it before it was closed, i had stayed in naija met major companies but after 5 months the only offer i received was from a private business who offered 50k and was going to put me on probration for a month, i know some would say why didnt i start there, a year before a major oil and gas firm called me from UK for good role in clean development mechanism/iso14001 in africa but for some reasons which till today i cant figure out i got home and the interview was never fixed....... to be continued