₦airaland Forum

EPISODE 21

..We both shrieked along, me in delight, and Glo in shock, turning my living room into one big shriek fest, at 11:30pm. When the shrieking had died down, Toke bid us farewell with a “he’s coming, gotta go, we’re about to celebrate”, and hung up. She actually said the last line #inWaconzyVoice

Almost as soon as Toke hung up, a text message came into my phone. I quickly opened it, thinking it was some follow up gist. I was pleasantly surprised when I saw a message from Hawt Pastor, asking that I ensure I did not miss church for any reason the next day, since it had been so long ago he had seen me in church.
Once I had finished reading the sms, I turned to Gloria “I’m listening…”

“It was like three years ago, and it wasn’t anything serious. I was in UK, and met him at a party. As you have experienced, he has a way with words and gestures. Things got crazy and it was a one night thing. I never thought I was ever going to see him again in my life, ever. There was no way I would ever have know he would end up as the love of my best friend’s life. Absolutely no way”.

I sat on the edge of the chair, as I realized the dilemma Gloria was going through.

“Please do not tell Toke”, she begged “she’s so happy with him and I don’t want to be the one that ruins everyone’s joy every time. Your wedding and now this.”

While what Gloria was saying made sense at a certain level, she was forgetting something “what if he tells her first? And if he had met you before, why didn’t he say so. And why would he propose to her right after meeting you?” I asked “I think it would be better if she finds out from one of us than him. That’s going to look real bad and it will be more difficult to let her know it was just a foolishness of the past. She can decide if she wants to go on, knowing what she knows. He obviously hasn’t told her so she can make her decision to marry him. We need to give her the opportunity to make an informed decision. Otherwise we’ll be making the same mistake Ossy made when he didn’t give me full disclosure about Yomi’s sexuality”.

She shook her head vigorously “No, he’s not going to tell her anything. From what I’ve seen, he genuinely loves her and wouldn’t want to hurt her that way”. Then she took my hands in hers and looked me square in the face “you must not mention this to her, ever. Oyin, you have to promise me. You must promise me, for Toke’s sake!” I was silent. “Promise!” she repeated. I nodded my head in agreement, hoping I would never have reason to regret the promise I had just made to Gloria.

The next day, I went to church again after a long time. Hawt Pastor had texted me earlier to remind me that I should not miss church for any reason. After the wedding thing, in which I had deliberately chosen not to follow his (sound) advice, our relationship had been sort of frayed. So I was surprised when I woke up that morning and saw his second sms. I really didn’t have much to do anyways, Gloria was going to see her mum and since Toke was still cooped up with Mr. Oga, I wasn’t expecting her back anytime soon. So rather than stay at home and cradle a bottle of JC Leroux, I decided to go to church.

I decided on a very comfy look for church. Jeans, flats, top and a jacket. Nothing elaborate, nothing gengen, I really couldn’t be bothered. If I had any other interesting option of what to do, I would probably not have gone to church that day.

But all that changed when I got to church and the service started. I have missed my church. The praise and worship was heavenly and the congregation was on point as usual. Everything gelled like a well rehearsed concert, the way CD John of blessed memory describes Island church services. One interesting thing though; I could pick out all the ladies who had come to church hoping to find husbands by casual observation. There was something about their dressing, the overstated alleluias and something else I just couldn’t place a name on. In a way, it was so obvious, it was funny. If I could see it this easily, wouldn’t it be so damn easy for the men to see it just as easily? I wonder, I just wonder. Just a few months ago, I was exactly like that, I thought ruefully. My recent experiences and heartaches have matured me sha (Oyin, clap for yourself).

As the service played out, my mind couldn’t help racing over various reasons why Hawt Pastor wanted to see me. As soon as the service was over, one of the fine ushers came and informed me that the pastor would be having a meeting with the building committee and after which he would see me. She handed me a note personally written by the Hawt Pastor himself. “I’d like to finish all business before seeing you, as I would like this meeting to be very private. I’ll make the meetings very brief. Thanks”. I fiddled with my BB for a bit and read status updates, then went through my timeline on twitter and then my FB wall. By the time I had gone through this, the church had emptied. This time I waited, instead of rushing up and forming pastor’s special convert (claps for herself again internally. Okay, I watch waaaay too much Ally Mcbeal). A few moments later, the same usher came back and informed me that the pastor would now see me. I followed her through rows of seats and up the stage stairs towards the office area. She asked me if I knew my way to the office and I nodded a yes. She then left me. I kept wondering what was going on. She had obviously been instructed to allow me come on my own. I am not paranoid, but after all sorts of things we have read, e reach to think these things.

Anyway, I kept going and knocked lightly when I got to the door. Hawt Pastor’s familiar baritone came through “Come in Oyin”.

As I made to open the door, my phone rang. It was Toke. I wondered why she was calling me now. I would return her call when I was done here.

“Oyin are you there?” he called out, his voice closer to the door now. The door opened before I could get it, and Hawt Pastor stood before me, sleeves rolled up, tie lose, but still with the rugged hotness that made him Hawt. “Hi Oyin”, he cooed “would you come in please?” Toke called again and I quickly turned off the ringer.

An SMS came into my phone, and I surmised it was from Toke. “Can I quickly check this?” I asked him as he still blocked the doorway. He nodded and I checked Toke’s SMS. It was short, but it felt like a punch to my face

“Gloria has slept with my fiance

EPISODE 20

...We agreed with Toke that we would meet Lumi. Despite all our reservations about the cougar kinda relationship, we decided to support her. Immediately we did, Toke excitedly called him and put it on speaker. A deep rich baritone voice with a slight British accent came through

“Ololufemimydea­r, wotagwan”.

Toke:“Guess what”?

Lumi:“What o?”

Toke:“My friends have agreed to come on an all expense paid trip with me to see you. All expense paid by you of course”.

Lumi:“I can guess they are all listening, so I’ll let them know that I have to consult my board of directors on the profitability of this investment”

We all laughed and he cooed “Hi ladies”.

We all said in our most girly voices “Hiiiiii”.

“We’ll see tomorrow, at four pm. Please ensure your tour guide, Toke, gives you adequate tips on how to survive my very dry sense of humor”.

Then he addressed Toke

“Sweets, glad I’m finally getting to meet the world famous musketeers. Can’t wait to see you tomorrow. Love you plenty”

Toke:“Bye honey. See ya tomorrow”.

You need to have seen the way Toke was smiling from ear to ear like a Cheshire cat as she hung up the call.
Now it’s not like we were the ones going to our man, but we had to represent, we couldn’t fall our friend’s hand. So we spent most of the next morning picking out what to wear, wondering where we would all be going anyways.

I picked out a lovely flowery dress, while Glo wore one of those jumpsuit gowns and an elaborate hat with shades. Toke *cough-cough* wore a pair of shorts that showed off her legs and a chiffon top, big earrings and pumps. Omoge on point! The guy will die there o, see as my friend was looking hot.

4pm on the dot, my doorbell rang and Toke wanted to head to the door. Gloria rushed her and made sure she did no such thing, you can never seem too eager to a man jor. I got the door, and surveyed Lumi. I smiled that “not bad” smile and extended my hand saying “Oyin”, and he took my hand and said “so you guys did the ‘she must not be too eager to come and get the door’ thingy”?

I laughed. He was a smart one. “But of course”, and I stepped aside to let him come in. Toke was right behind me already (RME. The girl is just not trying at all).

The day with Lumi went great. The chemistry between him and Toke was like bread and butter, so together, so seamless. And I did the imagining them in bed thingy in my head and the picture gelled. Glo and I watched them with positive envy (yes there is such a thing), and enjoyed the evening together. First we went to Terakulture for one of his friend’s book reading, and then went on to have dinner at Jevinik. The conversation around that dinner table was one of the best I have had in years. We talked about everything and moved effortlessly through every topic. He was down to earth, witty, and all that Toke had said and more. By the time the evening was over, I had totally forgotten about his age. It felt like I had known him for years. I couldn’t be happier for my friend. If he had that effect on me with just one evening, how could I blame my friend for forgetting with plenty such evenings together?

At about ten o clock, I noticed that Toke was getting more and more cuddly. That’s non-verbal for “you people should start going and leave us to *wink-wink*” I kicked Gloria under the table and she got the message. Lumi picked on the increased activity and seized the moment to say:

“I think we should call it a night, en, ladies?”

We sluggishly gathered our things and shuffled towards Lumi’s car. Toke took the wife position beside him in front and Glo and I got into the back seat, pretending not to notice that there were some slight smooches as he formed opening the door for her. He walked over to the side of his car with a slight arc of his back, and the posture did nothing to hide the bulge he was trying to hide in his groin. In no time, we were home, and they dropped us off for the night (like we were expecting Toke to stay with us ). The BBMS began to fly in from her the moment they left.

Toke: So what do you guys think?

Me: think he’s real great o. Our fears were unfounded.

Toke: Soooooooooooo?

Me:#bbthinkings­miley

Toke: Oyin, you are putting me on long ish! Talk jor!

Me: #bbrotflsmiley.­ We both think the age is not going to be an ish. He’s a correct guy and carries himself so well.

Toke: #bbkisssmiley. Gotta run

Me: Gerrout. We both know what you are running to go and do.

It was then I noticed Glo wasn’t laughing with me. We had been reading the bb conversation together. Maybe she was thinking about her marriage. For whatever its worth, a broken marriage cannot be as easy to take as she had taken it. After her initial relief, there was bound to be despair and a loneliness that was deep. Add that to the sense of loss she must feel over her lost pregnancy. I hadn’t even been married to Yomi and those first few days after the wedding had been hell on earth. So I could imagine to a degree what was going through her mind as she saw Toke so happy with her man. I had felt that way about her being married and preggy earlier

I poured her a drink and we just sat in silence for like fifteen minutes, sipping on our drinks. Gloria broke the silence.

“I need to tell you something, Oyin”, she began

“If it’s about Ossy, and asking forgiveness kind of talk, I’m over that now and we’re waaaaay past that”, I responded

She hushed me and said “No, it’s not about Ossy at all. That whole saga hurts, but I don’t want to talk about that. It’s something else”.

I became alert, and sat up. I wondered what it was that she wanted to talk about. I figured now she had been trying to decide whether to tell me or not, so it had to be pretty serious and had to involve me in some way.

“It’s about Toke, or more correctly, about Lumi”.

I sprang into an upright and fully alert sitting position immediately. “What about him”, I inquired.

Gloria held her head in her hands and said “I have slept with Lumi”.

I collapsed back into my chair like a pack of cards, as tears fell out of Gloria’s eyes.

Before I could get the details out of Gloria, my phone rang. I knew it was Toke because I set her own voice recording as her ringtone. I quickly picked the phone

“Is Gloria there?” she asked

“Yes she is”, I responded and Gloria’s head shot up. All that raced through my mind was that Lumi and told her and she wanted to scream her head off at Gloria.

I gingerly put the phone on the table and put it on speaker phone. “Toks, you’re on speaker now, we can both hear you”.

Then she shrieked, “He proposed!

EPISODE 19

...We watched as Toke struggled with telling us who Olumide was and my fears about him instantly skyrocketed. I hoped Toke wasn’t pregnant for some married man. The most intelligent ladies do the silliest things at times, when you least expect it.

“I met Olumide about a month ago. Very nice guy.” She took her phone from me and retrieved a picture from her memory card and showed him to us. The guy in the picture was on the chubby side, but chubby in a good looking Cedric the Entertainer kinda way. He was wearing a grey suit that looked good on him, and he seemed to carry himself well even in the picture. “This is a correct looking guy now”, Gloria said. “Exactly,” I joined in. “So why the hide and seek?” “You guys should wait and let me give you the background now, before I get to that point. At least you will be more lenient when crucifying me if you hear it all.” We nodded
okay and she continued,

“I met him in company of another male friend, and I just enjoyed his wit and charm. He’s a lawyer, and he’s very intelligent. Very very. You know me, I’m a sucker for intelligent guys. And his imagination was just as active as mine. At some point, even my friend couldn’t keep up with us as we sparred with all sorts of puns. It was beautiful.”

I can imagine. Toke looked like she was having an orgasm just internally reliving the conversation. She always (I mean always) gauges a man by his ability to keep up with her, especially in conversation and talking in imagery. No attraction can happen if the guy cannot, and even if there was some initial attraction, if he cannot keep up, the attraction dies a natural death. She always said that if a guy cannot get jokes she cracks, he simply cannot get the rest of her. So I know the kind of heaven she must have been in when she met a guy who could keep up with her. It seemed he could do more than keep up with her. He challenged her. She rarely found such men.

She continued “we hooked up a couple of times, and he just has the most beautiful amazing mind ever. You will notice I’ve been happier and more motivated lately”. Very true, she’s had great energy level recently (as attested to by events of earlier in the day). I was beginning to get impatient because I knew she had not gotten to the gist of the matter. But I borrowed myself brain, make I no rush the girl. She was obviously having a hard time coming out straight with it, so I didn’t want to make it harder.

“He didn’t even need to formally ask me out. We just started dating, and I feel in my bones he is the one for me. I met his family and they are such wonderful people. He doesn’t make as much money as I do, but I don’t mind at all. He’s hardworking, makes his own money, and takes care of me in spite of not making up to me. Lord, I love him.” She held her head in both hands now.

Wow! The big love word. This was more serious than I thought. Toke was in love. For real. She was despairing seriously now, so I had to nudge her “All this sounds wonderful, but I’m sure there’s something you haven’t told us”.

She raised her head and looked me squarely through eyes that were red from tears she was struggling to hold back “He’s 27.”

I nearly fell off my chair. The words “cradle snatching” jumped out of my mouth before I could catch myself. Gloria repeated, “27!” She was a clean eight years older than him.

“Yes he is, but he’s so mature. First, I met him through a friend who is older than me and they talked as colleagues and friends. I didn’t realize that men are not like us; they can relate with someone way their junior as friends on the same level. So I assumed he was at least my age on that first meeting. And it was so perfect with him I didn’t think to ask. It wasn’t until I had to get his driver’s license about two weeks into the relationship that I discovered. Then I confronted him with the fact, and he told me he didn’t have any issues with it, that he loves me and wants to make me his wife. He has never dated any woman younger than him, so he’s used to it already. And in all honesty, if you remove the age ish, he is all I want in a man.”

“Toke,” I said, shaking my head to emphasize my disagreement “he’s not even as old as Dayo, and if I recall, Dayo isn’t your immediate younger brother. There’s still Salewa between you guys. It just doesn’t seem right. Too many things can go wrong. How would you handle if Salewa or Dayo was rude to him? They are older you know? And then add another ten years to your ages, he’s 37 and still youthful and you are 45 and nearing menopause. A lot of times, these young guys will leave you at that time when you need them the most and go for a girl that is young enough to be your daughter (yes, a 45 year old can sha give birth to a 25 year old). What will you do then?”

Toke’s eyes blazed as she shouted at me “I know! Do you think I haven’t thought of all that? I wish I could just turn myself off and let him go. But it’s not that easy!”

I quickly hugged her “Sorry dear, I’m real sorry”.

Somehow I felt like life was playing a cruel tease game with us. It brought me a man who was my all I ever dreamt about but he turned out to be gay. It delivered Gloria to a man who turned her into his punching bag and cruelly killed their child. And now it had sucker punched Toke by delivering her the man of her dreams, with this big comma over him. I’m beginning to wonder if everyone always has to make some sort of compromise to get married, because it seems that is going to be the case here. Really, I want your thoughts on this in today’s comments. Is it absolutely necessary?

Back to Toke’s issue. She was near tears now. “I tell myself I should be proud of my man, and he’s been asking to meet my friends for like two weeks now, but I’ve given one excuse or the other. He’s too sharp not to see my excuses for what they really are, but I guess he is humoring me. But I really don’t know how long his patience will last. I want to be proud of my man in every way, but I cannot truly tell myself that even I am not struggling with this right now. My fear is that I’ll do something because of these struggles that will sabotage the relationship, and then I’ll then say it’s because of the age difference that it crashed when in reality, it’s my actions that caused the crash.”

My impulse is to tell Toke to end it and count it as a loss, but knowing how choosy she is, and how long it has taken her to find this, and then the fact that the guy is seriously considering marrying her, I really do not know what to say.

I looked at her and said “Toke, this is what we will do…”

Stay tuned!

EPISODE 18

...The question that keeps running through my mind is this – which is better, the one that is married and is unhappy in the marriage or the one who is longing for marriage and hasn’t found hubby? That, people is the million dollar question. Internally, I thanked my stars. I could have been Mrs. Onisokame today, beaten, bruised and battered. All of this has made me rethink and redefine this my finding hubby quest. Why should I allow myself to be defined by my marital status, or Mrs. Who I am?

Toke tried to call Ossy’s phone with Gloria’s line but he kept cutting the call off. She tried with her own phone but got the same treatment. By the time we tried with mine, his phones were switched off. We sat there, as we waited for Dr. Phillips to come out of the emergency ward.

A little later, restless, Toke decided to ping Ossy impersonating Gloria. The BBM read
“Ossy, you have killed our baby, I’m in the hospital, and the doctor says I’ve had a miscarriage. And you aren’t taking my calls. What did I do to deserve this? Marrying you?”

The bbm didn’t get delivered to him immediately, as his phones were off. After what seemed like an eternity, the motherly figure of Dr. Philips came into the doorway and beckoned on us to come in to see Glo.
When I saw my friend, I burst into tears. She had a cut above her eye that had been patched up, the lacerations I had seen the day before had become fresh again, and her black eyes had become even blacker. All this, after the doctor had worked on her. I wondered what Toke would have seen when she picked Glo up initially. We all stayed silent for a while, grieving in our own different ways. The bubbly, lively and mischevious Gloria I knew was gone, on the bed lay someone else, a shadow of her old self. Just a few months ago, we were phone selecting, Mr. X-ing and all the likes. It seemed we had lost ourselves in the quest for hubby.

Toke broke the silence, saying what the circumstances would not permit me to say and which Glo’s nature would not bring her to say. “That marriage is over. I read on some blogs how a Nigerian guy stabbed his wife to death recently. We will not wait until you are dead and become bloggers’ fodder before this madness ends.”

Gloria’s BB beeped in Toke’s hand, and it seemed a welcome distraction from the tension soaked hospital room. That was until she read the message. “It’s the idiot,” she hissed. “What did he say?” I queried. Rather than answer, Toke handed the bb over to me.

“The idiot! The frigging idiot!” I exclaimed, raw anger seething through every pore in my body. Gloria tried to sit up, anxious to see what was on the bb. She winced in pain as she tried, so she lay back down. I wasn’t inclined to showing her exactly what he had said so I paraphrased for her.

“He said the baby can go to hell, and that you had better get back home to do your duties as a wife. He’s threatening to haunt you if you ever try to leave him.”

Gloria spoke quietly “He’s been threatening me every time he beat me. I would have left him earlier if I was not afraid. Ossy doesn’t handle rejection well at all. Ossy forced me to come to your wedding Oyin. You couldn’t see me that day, but I had been beaten. If you were close enough, you would have seen the marks.” She sobbed even more quietly, as her body shook.

“Gloria, as I said,” Toke continued, slamming her hand on the hospital bed railing, “the marriage is over. While it’s painful, thankfully, there are no kids involved just yet.” She continued “and as regards his threats, we will teach that foolish wife-basher a lesson he will never forget.”

Dr. Phillips came back in just as Toke was rounding off her (quite imaginative) plans on handling Ossy. We knew our time with Gloria was over. I screengrabbed the chat from Ossy and emailed it to myself. Those kinds of things should be documented. You never know, cos people will never believe an Ossy could say something like that about his own child. Or beat his wife like that. I asked Toke if she had taken pictures of Gloria the night before. My smart Toke had. She forwarded all of them to my email.

Gloria was able to leave Dr. Phillips’ clinic by Sunday afternoon and we brought her over to mine. I have missed my girls. Even though it was something like this that brought us together, that night was one of the best nights I had had in a long time. It brought back memories of a time that wasn’t too far away in the past, when we were just girls having fun.

So I know you are dying to know what we did to Ossy. First, Glo was to go back home as if she had accepted her fate and act the part of the submissive wife who was afraid of leaving or offending him, and do all she could to avoid provoking a beating. I was tempted to give Gloria the gist of Ossy stalking me and all the Mr. Poet Ossy series, but Toke and I agreed not to. She was hurt enough as it was and it would just rub the hurt in some more. Monday morning, bright and early at my desk, just as Gloria was supposed to be returning to the house (which she confirmed she did without any event) Ossy sends me an sms
“Take a risk with me”.

The bile in my throat rose but we had a plan and I had to act my part. I wished with all my heart I could ignore it, but I responded

“I’m in a meeting oga. Stop disturbing me and making my phone beep.”

He responded instantly (which part of making my phone beep did he not get, oniranu oshi) “So sorry”
“Stop beeping me! I will call you later” I responded.

I nearly slammed my phone on the floor when another text came in from him “Really? You will call?”

I ignored him.

Later in the day, I brought myself into the right frame of mind and called Ossy up.

Me: “Hey Ossy”

Ossy: Oyinnnnnnn. I’m so glad you called. You can’t begin to imagine how glad I am. How have you been? All I’ve done is yearn for you.”

I was so incensed that this guy who was pounding my friend black and blue could sound so excited talking to me. These animals are the ones that look nicest and most normal outside. I remembered the plan and swallowed the bile that was rising in my throat.

Me: You know you hit me real hard, but in my heart I know you meant right. And I’ve missed you ni jare. You know good friends are very hard to come by.

Ossy: I’m blushing here o. Me, good friend. Okay. We should hook up and catch up on many things now.
Notice he doesn’t bring up my friend who happens to be his wife. The cow is already falling for the bait.

Me: Yeah, that would be cool. How about Angels in Phase 1? You know the place abi? And you won’t need Chris to hook that up.

Ossy: Of course. Wasn’t it me that showed you the place before? Would have tried there for our last date, but didn’t want you to suspect it was me at all at that time. I showed you this town now.

Me: True talk. I had forgotten. Let’s do Friday evening, so we wouldn’t be in a hurry as we catch up.

Ossy: Alright dear. Would definitely make that a date.

Me: Aite dear (ewww). Talk to you later.

I hung up. I called Toke and reported the conversation immediately.

“Can you imagine that bastard? He didn’t even mention Glo once, all he was thinking was how he would get lucky on Friday. Kai, I so cannot wait to deal with him!”

“Well,” I responded “his oju kokoro (lustful eyes) has made him fall easily for our plans. It’s over to you now.”

“Okay, let me go and get dressed and hit the road,” Toke said as she rounded our call off. Ossy would not know what hit him. I extracted the pictures of Gloria’s battered face plus the screen munched image and got to work.

The days flew by and I kept a string of calls going on with Ossy to keep him encouraged about our rendezvous. I skillfully dropped subtle comments here and there to drive the thought into his head that I wanted to commence a secret affair with him. He swallowed it hook, line and sinker. Shebi it is what was already in his mind to do. All that was required was a little encouragement and he was game.

Friday came quickly (since we were so looking forward to it) and Toke left the base (that’s what we called my house for this operation, military feeling sturvz) to begin her arm of the operations. I had the whole beauty treatment I did on the week before courtesy Ossy to thank for the outstanding glow of my skin. And then I wore this gown! The neckline was plunging, revealing a good portion of my 36D in glorious Technicolor. The thing hugged my figure, and thanks to my flat tummy, the valley it created accentuated the mountain on my chest. Don’t let me describe what my hips down looked like, before some of our male friends… *cough cough*

I set out and sure enough, tall dark and handsome Ossy was waiting for me in all his lasciviousness.­ You know when some men look at you and you can see that they have undressed you totally in their heads.
Angels is one of those exclusive places inside Phase 1 where there was a drinks bar in front of the building, and large chalets further into the compound. These chalets were small bungalows that had all the trappings of a house and all the Island big boys and girls came to do all the things they wanted to keep secret. Ossy sure thought he had me.

The conversation was annoying but I smiled sweetly and laughed at all the jokes. He successfully twisted and tilted everything we said towards sex. I had never seen this part of Ossy before and couldn’t imagine what Gloria had been put through. Eventually, after I got a message from Toke, I sent him a BBM. It read “ask for Chalet 5. I’ll be waiting there. Make sure you’re naked before you come in. I’ll be waiting exactly same. You have exactly ten minutes to get to me after I leave otherwise deal is off”.

I waited for the BBM to be delivered and saw the red light indicator on his BB blinking and then leaned over to him seductively and whispered. “I’ll be waiting. Read your BBM when I’m gone”. Then I stood up and strutted my stuff before his lust-filled eyes and went to the chalet.

Then I sent a BBM to Toke “it’s all set.”

Ossy was not quiet as he approached the Chalet at all. I had left the door opened and a note on the door (lessons from my stalker, Ossy himself) instructing him to UnCloth as soon as he entered the door. There was a small hallway between the door and the parlor in the chalet where he could do that, and all the lights in the hallway were off and the door leading into the parlor was shut. As I heard him come in, I pinged him “I’m waiting… #bbkisssmiley#”­. Thankfully, the network behaved and the message was delivered instantly and he read it. I heard him hustle out of his clothes and then bumble towards the door.

As soon as Ossy opened the door, Toke turned on the lights in the parlor and all the people in the parlor shouted “Surprise!!!” Ossy stood stark naked, in front of the small crowd in the parlor, and instinctively, he tried to retreat back into the hallway. But one of my friends from The Marquee stood behind him to block his exit. A hush ran over the people in the parlor on the sight of naked Ossy. Toke and Gloria and gone to great lengths to gather all of his friends, his bosses and colleagues at work, his main customers, his friends from my company, his family, her family, everyone that mattered in Ossy’s life basically. The ruse had been that she was organizing a surprise party for her husband to celebrate his recent promotion at the bank. They had all come to celebrate with Ossy who was a clear star in the eyes of all of them. Now, to have him walk in naked sent murmurs, hushes and disbelieving exclamations throughout the gathering.

Gloria wasted no time. She quickly projected the images of her looking radiant and beautiful side by side with the images we had taken in apartment of her right after battery. The images was like this
Fine Gloria + Ossy = Beaten Up Gloria

“This is what this fine career gentle-pig does to his wife at home. Some of you might not believe, hence I will give you a live flesh and blood result of his work.”

Thanks to her skin, the marks of beatings on her face became clear the moment she removed her scarf and glasses. The crowd let out a shocked oooh. Ossy stood there, looking ashamed, unable to take his eyes away from the ground, his only exit from the room blocked by a no nonsense bouncer.

Next, Gloria beamed screen-grabbed images of BB conversations where Ossy had threatened her with violence if she ever left him onto the screen. The last screengrab she displayed was one in which she was talking about the baby they had lost to his last beating and his callous responses to her. “My husband killed our baby, and feels not the slightest remorse for it. The words are not manufactured. He is on the BBM of everyone in this room and I’m sure you all recognize the contact name and display picture.”

She produced papers already prepared by Toke. “These are our divorce papers. I have taken the liberty to sign it. And don’t be afraid, I don’t need anything from you so I’m not asking for any of your things. All I need is your signature, before these witnesses, before you leave here now. And know that if even one single hair on my head or any of my friends is hurt, everyone here will point their fingers at you, so you better pray that we’ll be okay.”

With that, Toke took the papers to Ossy, and gave him a pen to sign. He hesitated briefly and the bouncer behind him touched him on the shoulder to remind him that he wasn’t going anywhere until he signed. Trust Naija people, the guests just kept watching the film unfolding before them ni o, no intervention nothing. Ossy signed and Toke inspected all the places he was supposed to sign against the signature on the wedding documents that Gloria had provided. The signatures were genuine. She nodded to Gloria and then the bouncer allowed Ossy out of the door.

I then smiled sweetly and thanked all those who had come and told them there were refreshments if they still required any. All done, we, the three Lagos musketeer babes stepped out into the waiting car and drove to mine to celebrate.

We learnt later that Ossy left the country without trace, not leaving his destination with even his family. We hoped never to see wife battering face again. As we sipped on the Martini I had specially ordered to celebrate, Toke’s phone rang. I forgot to mention, but I have noticed that she’s been receiving calls from some guy recently. But I’m getting worried, because she would normally have told me about this new guy.

But for some reason, she was being secretive. She would try to be alone to receive his calls, and she had turned off chat history. We had just rescued Gloria from one bad man. I wasn’t about to allow Toke walk down the same path. I allowed her go and receive her call away from us as she had now made a habit. It was Gloria that voiced my thoughts “Why is Toke going to the room to talk? There’s no music playing and we are not outdoors. That’s very un-Toke-like.”

“I agree”, I said, “She’s been acting funny like this for a while. And while we are at making sure about things…” Toke entered while I was midsentence and our eyes met. She sensed what was about to happen and tried to start a new conversation to deflect talk from it. We were not having any of that. “Toke”, I began, “who’s calls have you been taking secretly?” “Secretly ke? I haven’t been taking any calls secretly now. abi which one is secretly again?” “So why did you have to leave quiet here to go take the call in the room?” She didn’t answer and Gloria chipped in “we cannot have you doing any shady things. Babe, you’re 35 and if a relationship is right, you shouldn’t be hiding it from us. You’re making us feel there’s something wrong with whoever you’ve been receiving calls from. And we want to hear it today, right now.”

With her attention on Gloria, I snatched her phone from her and checked her last received call. “Who is Lumi, babes?” “Olumide”, she responded. I raised my eyebrow and Gloria went to seat on the arm of her chair. “Well, we are listening...”

EPISODE 17

...Let me explain. Gloria is one of those light complexioned Ibo girls that cannot enter a place without being noticed. It’s one of the reasons we call her Glo (apart from the other obvious one ). If you hold her too much on one spot, the skin of that spot will become red, that’s how sensitive her skin is (in fact, on days she gets frisky with any guy, and she is with us after and undresses, the redness of her boobs gives her away). So when she took off the scarf and specs today, it revealed red blotches all over her face, two black eyes and deep red etches on her neck. Every vex inside me melted away right away and I was beside her as she broke down into tears.

“Did he do this to you?” I asked, voice shaking. She just continued crying, as Toke put her hands around her, sobbing along with her.

Nearly the whole café was looking our way now and so we decided to go to mine, away from the prying eyes. She rode with Toke, as they drove behind me. There was a bit of traffic at that blasted toll gate and it took us a whole forty five minutes to make a twenty minute journey. Alone in the car, the thought of what could have happened to Glo rose in my mind, but I desperately hoped it wasn’t what my rational head was telling me it was. We eventually got to my pad and just sat in the sitting room quietly for a few minutes, waiting for her to begin to talk.

She pulled herself together as I poured her a drink. Ossy had begun by isolating her from Toke and I, with the drama at the wedding. As if that wasn’t enough, he began to complain about everyone else. In the months they had been married, she had cut her family off and had been isolated from them. Then the late nights and all the signs of other women began. She had turned a blind eye initially, since he was being discreet. But it seemed that he got emboldened and stopped being discreet. When she confronted him, the beating began. Lightly beatings (whatever that means) at first and then it got progressively worse. At this point, the tears were flowing freely.

She began to narrate episode upon episode of how Ossy beat and battered her. He abused her verbally. He told her she was never his choice and that he just settled for her and would do as he pleased. Chasing small girls was what he referred to as doing as he pleased. He expected her to be at least happy that she was married and that he saved her from her spinsterhood. He had sha made her a Mrs. And whenever she said anything, he would beat her mercilessly. Nothing was spared in beating her. They lived in their own house, so no neighbor could hear him beat her. The only people that stayed with them were the house-help who was one of the “doing as he pleased” and the gateman who assumed that wife beating was a normal part of marriage. After the drama at my wedding, she couldn’t reach out to friends. Ossy had isolated her from her family and so she couldn’t go to them. She endured her pain alone.

“Ossy is not Ossy again since he cannot have you Oyin,” she continued. “He has turned into every woman’s nightmare. So while what I’m about to say might sound out of place, I’ll need you put yourself in my shoes. I am trying to save my marriage here, and it’s the only way I can think of.”

Now, I’m not normally a skeptical person, but whenever anyone wants to say anything, and dramatics are involved, plus warnings like “put yourself in my shoes”, and “it’s the only way”, I become very skeptical. Very. I sat up and encouraged her to continue, eager to hear what Glo was about to say. I noticed Toke too had sat up. Her body language meant we were both about to hear whatever Glo was going to say for the first time.

“I would like you to come back into Ossy’s life”.

My sharp head got what Glo was trying to say immediately, but I chose to disbelieve. Toke was the one that spoke up as the proverbial cat had my tongue. “Come back into Ossy’s life as what exactly?”
“Oyin, you seem to have been the reason Ossy’s demons were repressed and now you are gone and he’s become like this. He thinks about being with you night and day. Maybe if you just gave him a chance, maybe he would return to being the sweet Ossy we all knew.”

I growled “you are asking me to have an affair with your husband, put my life on hold, and be content with being a side-chick in order to make your marriage happy?” My voice was getting progressively louder, because the more I voiced the thoughts I knew she was having, the angrier I got “Can you listen to yourself? You would be content with a marriage to someone who would batter you like this, sleep with anyone he pleases, even your close friend, and still call that a marriage? That would be worse than what I planned to do with Yomi. Much worse.”

She became hysterical, shedding tears seriously. “Oyin”, she wailed, “please help me save my marriage. I ask you to do it for only a while, maybe one year, while I”…

I didn’t let her finish, I flew into a rage and Toke had to restrain me “You are very selfish Gloria. I should give you one full year of my life to do this nonsense you are proposing. It’s not your fault, shebi it’s because I’m not married! Would you come and say this nonsense to me in my husband’s house? You know what? Just leave my house! Yes get the hell out of my house.”

Toke tried to calm me down but I turned my rage on her. “Why did you bring her here” (lie, cos we both decided to bring her o, but I had to blame her) “Just take her away before I do something I will regret!”
I stormed into the kitchen and fetched a bottle of wine from the fridge. It seems Toke thought I wanted to use the bottle for other purposes than to take wine from it, because on seeing me turn around, bottle in hand, she dragged a weeping Gloria out of the door.

When they were gone, I looked at the time. It was nine thirty pm already. As if to add to my horrible mood, NEPA decided to install a reign of darkness. I didn’t bother to go turn the gen on. Cradling my bottle of wine in my laps, I drank myself to sleep.

The shrill ring of the ringtone I had set for Toke woke me up the next day. My phone told me the time was eight o'clock. I had really slept plenty. I sluggishly picked the phone and answered the call. My head was still all groggy.

“Hello”,

“Oyin!” Toke’s voice was frantic.

“Toke what is it?” Toke can be slightly dramatic, so I would not be surprised if she woke me up like this to tell me she had just found a great book.

“Gloria is in the hospital!”

I became instantly alert. “What? What happened? Were you guys in an accident?”

“Ossy was the only accident that happened, Oyin. I dropped Gloria off at home yesterday. I didn’t go in with her. Ossy was drunk and assumed a man dropped her off. He got more angered when she told him it was me that dropped her off. When she explained that it was you she had come to see, he went ballistic on her. I mean he beat her till he was spent. Then he locked her out of the house and went to bed with the house-help. She managed to call me. I rushed back and took her to the hospital.”

Surges of guilt rose in my heart. Mentally, I knew I wasn’t responsible, but all I could remember was throwing her out of house into Ossy’s clutches.

“That bastard! Which hospital are you?”

“I took her to Dr. Phillips”.

It took me just twenty minutes to get to Dr. Phillips small but well equipped clinic.

Toke met me at the reception as I rushed in. Dr. Phillips was a motherly doctor that we all had used for years and felt comfortable with because she was a woman old enough to be our mothers.

“Where is she? Where is she?” I asked Toke.

Toke placed a hand on my shoulders and silently willed me to listen to her. When she was sure she had my attention and I was calm, she hit me with the bombshell.

“Gloria has lost her baby”

I fell into the hard reception sit “Oh my God, Oh my God”...

Stay tuned...there's­ more

EPISODE 16

...Ossy took a seat opposite me as a waiter followed him closely with an exquisite bottle of white wine, the type that I liked. “Is this a joke or something? Or are you on a date with Gloria here?” I asked, confused. Someone had been sending me romantic notes and gifts for the past few days and Ossy turned up on my date. “Please listen”, he responded trying to calm me down, because I was raising my voice already. For some reason I still cannot understand, I gave him the benefit of doubt and sat back calmly to hear whatever explanation he had for this.

“Look, I’m going to cut to the chase Oyin. The truth is that my feelings for you have not changed one bit from the first day I set my eyes on you. I could never love another woman the way I love you, my mind is fixed on you. And don’t think I haven’t tried to love my wife. I truly have, with all of my might. But my heart refuses to agree with what my head knows is the right thing to do. I truly cannot live without you Oyin”.
“So that’s why you ruined my wedding and humiliated me in front of the whole world? Love! That’s why you let me go into a serious relationship with Yomi for 3months with all you knew without uttering one word. Love!! And you come here asking me to cheat on myself and my friend by having an affair with her husband? Love!!! So you have finished looking at me and you don’t think I can find a man of my own, so I should be content to share you with someone as a side-chick? Ossy you are a selfish man. Ossy you are a mad man. Ossy you are a wicked man! In fact an evil man!”

He stood up to come over to my side “Oyin try and understand. Please. Look at the lengths I have gone to, just to get your attention and get you here. I’m not saying…” he tried to hold my hand.
If you see the violence with which I pushed his hands away en, you will wonder where I got the strength from. “I do not care what you are trying to say, get your hands off my body! You just took advantage of the fact that you know me so well, to do the exact things I told you a long time ago were thoughts and daydreams I had, and that we had talked about that I would love. That’s not going to any length, that’s taking advantage of me!” I stood up and literarily climbed over him. “Don’t ever let me hear from you again. Do not call, text, drop a note again. Ever!” Then I cupped my boobs in front of his eyes and shouted as I gave him dagger eyes “These can never be for you, even if no other man wants them! Oloriburuku, (literarily ‘your head is not correct’). God will punish you a thousand times.”

He just sat there calmly, as if on the verge of tears. I really couldn’t care. I stormed out of the restaurant, barging into every table and chair on my way enroute the door. I am finding hubby now, not finding friend’s hubby. Kilode!
I blocked out everything I was passing. At the door, I turned round to look at him. He still sat there, as if he didn’t believe I was going to leave him there like that. It angered me that he had been so sure I would fall for it and agree to his plans. Imagine, the clown wanted to be doing Glo at home and have me Oyin Clegg as a side-chick outside. Wonders will never end. God forbid!

I went to my car and when the security guy that helped me out of the car park kept hailing me, I shouted on him seriously. The guy couldn’t understand how the nice madam that came in bright and smiling didn’t want to make “the boys” happy. I drove to the café where Toke was sipping on a mix of Smirnoff Ice and Malt (you should try this, it is really noice). I caught her by surprise, she almost spilled her drink. “Wetin happen? Why you out so quickly now? Thought you were having such a great time you forgot to give your poor friend updates any longer” she asked, with raised eyebrows. She got serious when she saw I wasn’t smiling at her jibe “What’s the issue, what happened”, she queried, sitting up. I took her drink and gulped it down first, “Order another one for yourself, I’m not returning this one.” She signaled the waiter and I relished the drink while she ordered for another.

“What was wrong with our man now? Is that how high his level of wowo-ness is ni? Abi he called you HOyin too ni? Abi its Femi trying to apologize? (told you guys Toke’s imagination is very fertile ground abi? As in Femi? SMH)”. I rolled my eyes for effect to show her she was imagining wayyyy off again. “Oya, stop being silly and leave all this suspense now”, she said, rolling her eyes in return.
I heaved a deep sigh and said “well, Mr. Poet turned out to be none other than our dear friend-in-law Ossy!” Toke actually fell out of her chair in shock. “What! Jesus, Joseph and Mary! The nerve! Is he mad ni? I’m all ears, fill me in”. I quickly gave her a rundown of the events inside the restaurant. She got very concerned at the obsession with which Ossy had come after me and how calm he was about my rejection. We decided she would stay with me for a bit to avoid any obsessed person to hurt me because of rejection. I watched some movie called Obsession which featured Beyonce a while ago. Hell hath no fury like a scorned woman can also read the earth hath no fury like a scorned man.

We each had two more of our mix and the Smirnoff (which has just as much alcohol as beer by the way) was starting to make us slightly light headed. In the midst of our chatter, I remembered that Toke told me there was something she wanted to tell me after my date. “En en, what was the gist you said I should wait till the end of my date. So the date is over now, I’m sure nothing can top my experience of this evening, so spill it”.
Toke shifted uncomfortably in her chair, as if trying to find the words to say what she wanted to. I knew that move very well. “Talk now, worris it now?” She gave it a thought briefly and then responded “I think I should let the person concerned tell you by herself.” She picked her phone and called someone “she’s here now, you can come. How long? Five minutes? Okay. We’re waiting. Yeah, the café I told you. Alright.”
I kept looking at Toke, trying to understand the drama she was acting but she refused to volunteer anything. So we waited. I just silently hoped that it was not another plan with Ossy. I would personally strangle Toke if it was. A couple of minutes later, her phone rang. She picked it up, got up as she answered and signaled that she needed to step outside. She was gone for about two minutes. I checked my TL on twitter to keep myself occupied, keeping an eye on the door.

When Toke returned, she was with another lady. I couldn’t make out who it was initially, it was getting dark, plus the lady was wearing a scarf and wore dark glasses. But then, you cannot be close friends with someone and miss them on a second glance. Toke was coming in with Gloria Onisokame.
As they approached, my mind raced to a thousand and one things she might want to tell me that made Toke even think of bringing us together. So they got to me and sat down. I shot Toke a “this had better have a serious explanation” look and she gave me a “calm down and all shall be revealed look”. The greatest reason why men cannot understand women is because they do not know how to understand this “communication by looks”. They used to understand perfectly when they were kids (when one look from your mum told you exactly what response to give to a question from some friend or relative) but it seems they lose this all important trouble avoiding ability as they grow up. Anyways, I digress.

Gloria didn’t say a word. She didn’t even say hi or anything like that. She just sat down directly opposite us (Toke was now by my side) and silently removed her scarf. And then she removed her glasses. And then I gasped. And then my mouth opened and refused to close. And then an anger welled up within me that made me bang my hands on the table and shout. Everyone in the café turned towards us but I couldn’t care less...

EPISODE 15

...Let me tell you, if you haven’t taken time to go get yourself pampered at a spa, and you are making above fifty thousand monthly, you better indulge yourself. You can feel the stress ease out of you as those people handle you. And some of the spa attendants en, they can make you feel like you don’t live in this same Nigeria sha. They are so totally fine and near flawless. Haba! There are some men I saw there, coming to get massages, and in my inner mind, I knew they were there for the girls. Anyways, the owners of the business know this, hence the girls. It reminded me of those fine guys that served ice cream at Ice Cream Factory. You don’t need to wonder why all the island girls have suddenly made it their one stop shop and fashied Chocolate Royale.

To get up was war after the whole massage. Whenever you are getting something osho-free, even when you can afford it, it always feels sweeter. I managed to drive myself home, and had the most peaceful sleep I’d had since the whole wedding saga. Friday morning, I woke up and hit my left leg on the bed as I was getting down. Then I hit it on the bathroom door too. Now, forget tushness, there are some things you grow up with and no matter how educated you are, you still unconsciously remember them. My mama is a typical Yoruba woman, and she drummed it into our heads growing up that if you strike your left leg against something, it was a bad omen. She even had the one where she would ask a guy to meet her first as she was going out of the house on something important. She said meeting the opposite sex first was a good omen, and hence she made sure of that. And with all my UK masters and my Island big girl-ism, that was what came to my mind this morning. You can imagine.

I sha packed myself out of the house, thanking God it was Friday. Work went by and I was wondering what Mr. Poet would come up with today. I didn’t have to wait for long. An sms came into my phone around lunch hour.
“We should meet. Private dinner at the Palm View Manor off Ajose Adeogun. Let’s do 8pm. Ask after Chris”. Notice he said “ask after” not “ask for”. The guy can speak proper English. I smiled. I forwarded the text to Toke sharply and she agreed to be my “backup”, with the addition “Mr. Poet now has a name o”. At my age, I am not foolish. I don’t go and meet strange men in places they chose without having someone around the corner that can make sure I’m safe. I have watched too many C & I things to make such silly mistakes. So Toke was gonna be around and in touch, to avoid stories that touch. We can say serial killers are not in Naija yet, but there was a time when people also said Nigerians could never be suicide bombers.

Anyways, the day raced past after that, and then I waited for Toke to meet me up at work. Since I close at five, I had about two hours to burn before my date. We spent it imagining who this secret admirer could be. Toke said she had some other gist for me, but that would be after my date, since she said it was not so great gist. I made up my mind to just have fun and enjoy the moment, no serious anything. In no time, we headed out, with Toke driving behind me.

I found Palm View Manor easily. It’s one of those exclusive places in VI that the people who are old money meet to talk about how all the brash new money people are invading their moneyed space and how to create newer exclusive circles available only to old money. Toke stayed at one café on the road; there are many of those in that area. Seems like a nice business to do on the island, I should begin to consider opening one.
Seven on the dot, I drove into the compound and walked to the reception. A small Asian lady was behind the counter and I smiled sweetly and asked after Chris. She returned a smile just as sweet as mine and said in the gesture-full way Asians do “Chris is already waiting; you’ll be shown to the table right away”. Another guy came out of the staff only door behind her to lead me to Chris. I liked the treatment and all. I so couldn’t wait to see this mystery man. Second by second updates were flying to Toke via BBM. Thankfully the network wasn’t falling my hand and she was getting my messages realtime.

We went through a beautiful corridor, with old pictures of Lagos Island when things were sane and orderly hanging on the walls. We turned a corner and came into a very well furnished restaurant. They seemed to have a thing for red velvet and combined with the lighting, it had a cool comfortable look. I was ushered into a secluded seat in a corner, with candles and all set up on the table. Chris wasn’t there. Very quietly, my guide disappeared and I was alone. I discreetly took a picture of the table and sent to Toke. I was engrossed in my chat with her but all of a sudden, I felt there was someone else with me. I braced up to meet him for the first time. A very pretty, I’ll repeat, extremely pretty lady smiled down at me. I assumed she was looking for someone and smiled at her too, waiting for her to ask me a question. She said with a tilt of her head, “Oyin Clegg?” I was surprised but answered that I was the one. She stretched her hand towards me and said “Chris”.

I was confused. How could my admirer be a woman! Lord have mercy. I sat trance-like while she took a seat opposite me. “You look very puzzled”, she continued. “With your last experience, I can imagine you think I’m a lesbian. Don’t be afraid, I just pulled strings for a friend who couldn’t secure this place himself. I had to be around to ensure that he would gain access, this place is very exclusive. I’ll leave you now.” She stood up, gave me a look over and then nodded slowly “I see what he sees in you”. She then went towards the door. My hand flew to my bbm and I sent an update to Toke. I was engrossed in sending the message I didn’t notice that someone had walked up to me. When I looked up, I almost let out a scream. It was Ossy...

Stay tuned!

EPISODE 14

...The tabloids were merciless. For weeks after the botched wedding, there was one story or the other about me, Gloria, Ossy and Yomi in every print and online tabloid and blog possible. Comedians used us as skits for their event promos. It was real bad. And trust Nollywood, within two weeks of the event, there was a movie out, complete with a poster of a reenactment of my scream on my knees at the church. They titled it “Love Scream”. Someone needs to do something about Nollywood. Really.

I had to pretend to the world I had known absolutely nothing about Yomi’s sexuality. That was the only way I salvaged my respectability.­ In fact, some people actually came to console me and tell me sorry. See en, when people are going through stuff, just leave them alone sometimes. Sorry my Yoruba ass.
Yomi left the country and no one could reach him. Not that I tried, but his family kept asking if I had heard from him or could reach him. They were genuinely afraid and were indeed nice people. They didn’t know I knew about him, so they kept trying to be good to me, trying to compensate me for the way their son had deceived me. I played along. Better that way than the other way I guess.

Gloria and Ossy have been asking for forgiveness. Again it’s that heart thing. They keep saying they were trying to make up for their previous mistake, trying to make sure they didn’t keep silent again while I walked into a trap. I could see their intentions were genuine and all, but couldn’t they have chosen a less disastrous way to “save” me? Gloria is a woman like me, and has been one of my closest friends for years. Even if Ossy didn’t understand how disastrous their actions would be to a fellow woman, how could Gloria not understand? So my head keeps telling me to forgive them, but my heart bluntly refuses to do anything of that nature (influenced by the fact that they are happily married and I’m still carrying my father’s surname plus Glo is preggy for Ossy now). Abi if you were in my shoes, would you?

Since I had taken a long leave for the wedding, I didn’t have to go to work immediately and so had time to just be by myself in my house. Thankfully, I didn’t resign at Yomi’s prompting based on his promise of endless money. I would have felt worse if I didn’t have my job to look forward to going back to. Toke was my friend through the time and she made sure amongst other things that I was eating, didn’t strangle or drug myself to death, burn down my house or call assassins to go after Glo and Ossy. The funny thing is, now that this Yomi wedding brouhaha was over, I felt more at peace than I’d been in a long time. In retrospect, I would really have been miserable in that marriage. Truth is, I’m still a romantic at heart, and could never really be happy in those circumstances.

I went through the whole “I’m so done with men” cycle, to the “I’ll just have a kid for some random man” phase and then back to the “when will my own come” phase. By the time I was at this phase, Toke and my mum were satisfied that I wasn’t suicidal and would get over the disappointment and still marry. Prior to that, I had been closely monitored and kept away from sharp objects and medicine bottles.
One of the ways I deal with disappointment is to get something new as if to tell myself I deserve good stuff even if life was trying to say otherwise. I acquired a tear rubber 2012 Honda CRV in this period. Big girl, big toy, I can’t shout. (and if you don’t think a CRV is big enough, snap and send your car pix #yimu)
My leave and the commensurate insulation from the world soon ended and resumption day at work came. I had dreaded this moment for so long and had rehearsed it in my mind severally until I had each detail planned out. Determined to look every inch unfazed, I poured all my energies into looking good. And dayum, I looked good. I did not fail to notice that a few heads turned when I parked my sleek toy and stepped out. I made up my mind to enjoy life everyday and not kill myself about marrying, quoting Sefi Attah’s book title, Everything good will come.

So I was pleasantly surprised when I got back from lunch that day and met a bouquet of flowers with a note on my table. Here’s what it said

“You’re a masterpiece, the epitome of beauty”.

I appreciated the gesture (yes, everyone likes to feel like the epitome of beauty even if you know it’s a wash), but really didn’t take it seriously. Over dramatics of any kind were not in my agenda at the moment. I didn’t even bother to mention it to Toke when she came around. It was that insignificant to me. We watched old episodes of Ally Macbeal and she crashed at mine.

Next day, I unconsciously expected to see flowers and co on my table when I got back from lunch. Nothing! Looooooong hiss, see me already anticipating. It was on the second day I inquired about Ossy, as I hadn’t seen him since resumption. I was told he had left the company for banking. Whatever, it was better not to have to deal with him. The moment I entered the car park, I notice a bright red gift bag on top of my car. I was already internally abusing the person that used my new car as a table when I saw it had my name on it. Forgetting that Boko Haram is threatening everyone, I quickly looked into the bag. In it were the loveliest pair of silver Louboutin shoes I’ve ever seen. This person must know I love shoes. Kai! When I brought the shoes out of the bag, a note fell out of them. It had another message on it

“You are my centerpiece, I’ll build my world around you”.

This guy knows Oyin is a poet o, what kind of attack is this now? It’s as if the guy had taken time to study me and was hitting at my weak spots. I didn’t want to open up to anyone so soon after my last saga, the tabloids and blogs would have a field day. Plus I’m not a fan of stealth tactics. If you like me, oju l’oro wa.
These days, I can’t wait to go home after work, so I headed straight home. When I got home, I quickly took pictures and sent to Toke, giving her the meat of the gist. Trust the nonsense girl, she came up with all manner of conspiracy theories. I really think she should begin to write for some TV series, cos the girl’s imagination is on fertility drugs. She can know how to think up scenarios that all you will say is Tokeeeeeeeeeeee­e! In the end, we had a good laugh and agreed I shouldn’t take the fellow seriously until he showed his face.
Next day, nothing at lunch, nothing at my car when I was leaving. I thought this guy had run out of ideas. Then I got to my gate and guess what I saw… a mannequin fully dressed, from sunshades to scarf to belt and even shoes beside it. Omo, this person knew my house. That was beginning to sound like a stalker, but do we have those in Naija? Or was it Yomi playing games ni? I quickly took pictures (making sure my gate and house number showed) and sent it to Toke. Seemed she was busy, no response, cos normal her would have called for the gist if she had seen the pix. This person was doing things that would definitely get my attention in a way that would trip me. I wanted to find out which one line poetry he had written this time and I moved the mannequin in and frisked it. Nothing. I couldn’t believe how disappointed I was. Why prince charming fall my hand now? mtchew. I decided to UnCloth the mannequin and keep the clothes in the car for the drycleaner, while the mannequin stayed outside (I’m definitely not wearing them, would give them to charity. Love juju tinz). The note was handwritten across its chest –

“my cornerpiece, you bring it all together”.

Thursday, and I was up bright and early. My BB was blinking and Toke must have pinged me like hundred times for the gist. I filled her in on my drive to work. We both agreed our guy who we shall label Mr. Poet was getting more interesting. I spent a bit of the workday wondering what he would come up with today. He didn’t disappoint. When I got back from lunch, there was a gift card on my table for a pampering session at an exclusive Spa on Ligali Ayorinde. Accompanying it were two notes. One teased me about going straight home everyday and asked me to go to the spa for a change. The one I really wanted to see, the poem read

“My choicepiece, I chose you”.

Men, this guy was good. It wasn’t the gifts that got me, it’s the poetry. Together, they read like this

“You’re a masterpiece, the epitome of beauty

You’re my centerpiece, I’ll build my world around you

My cornerpiece, you bring it all together

My choicepiece, I chose you”

Kilode! I was more than curious to know who this mystery guy was..

EPISODE 13

...Yes, I decided to marry Yomi.
After all, people knowingly marry people who decided to be drug pushers, thieving politicians and all the kinds of thieves and bad men within that wide range of bad-man-ism, and even help them keep the secret. My reasoning (which I came to conclusion of without mumsy in my head) was that I’d just be marrying a man who had made a choice to be something and help him cover up. Omerta. Really no different ba?
Once the decision had been made, everything went into full swing hyper crazy extra super drive and you can guess who the driver of all that was. We had four grades of Aso Ebi, and the cheapest was twenty five thousand. This was the bigz people’s wedding, and you can go and dye your hair green if you couldn’t afford our aso ebi. The most expensive one was one mint green and burnt orange Swiss Voile lace like that. It cost five hundred thousand.
Since I knew what was up, I decided to spend Yomi’s money wella, with two hands, on this wedding. I changed my gown to a Mai Atafo gown, all chosen specially and hand fitted by the bobo himself. My coral bead choker alone for the engagement cost a million Naira. And he didn’t hesitate to spend. He pulled all the stops, signed the cheques and went to town. His mum commented that she had never seen him that happy, ever. Of course no one else knew why he was that happy, everyone thought I was the source of his joy. Toke was of course my chief bridesmaid and Adamu was playing that role for Yomi. I tend to imagine him in my head as a bridesmaid and not the bestman. And I noticed Toke kept him at an arm’s length after what she knew. I chose not to be bothered.

The engagement was a blast. I remember the cows. They turned into a mini tourist attraction, so big that people were taking pictures with the cows and using them as DPs all over. They spawned all sorts of funny broadcasts; you know the kind that goes on for months until they’re no longer funny. Every major blog had photographers at the event. My official photographer was the hottest new one in town, the rave of the moment, Ogheneworo Akara.
The alaga was Madam Kofo herself. She keyed into the mood the families were, the spending mode, and made herself tons of money, milking Yomi and friends wella. Imagine, at some point, she even said that I was coming in a plane and that they had to drop fuel money and they know plane fuel is costlier than car fuel. So they dropped plenty money. Then when I was halfway out, she said the fuel finished and the plane was crashing. They had to drop even more money to save it from crashing and refueling the “plane” midair.

I can give you all the juicy details but let me move forward, en. So the engagement was done and we went to our hotels. Everything was going smoothly with the event, and in a perfect world, I had just had the perfect engagement. But that night, I had to numb the fears I was having with generous doses of alcohol in order to sleep and go through with the next day.
Wedding day came and Toke woke me up as early as 5am. The entourage came into the room right after her and so began my roller coaster preparation to transform me from the mortal called Oyin to a goddess simply known as Bride. The whole operation took three hours of intensive work from the combined team of makeup lady, tailor and hair stylist. The small ringlets under my eyes from last night’s alcohol bout were gone.
As my uncle walked me down the aisle, I decided to immerse myself in the wedding, enjoy the moment and not think of the marriage after (I believe a good number of women do this). Wedding was going smoothly and my heart was at its gymnastic best, I was really going through with it. I was going to be Mrs. Oyin Kester-Jacobs.

The preacher asked the customary “Is there anyone here who has any reason why this couple may not be joined together? Speak now or forever hold your peace”, in a jocular manner. He was about to move to the next bit when a strong voice came from the back of the church auditorium “I do. These two should not be joined”. A hush ran over the congregation and all eyes turned in the direction from which the voice had come. Yomi spun around, a crazed look on his face as he saw who it was. I didn’t need to turn. I knew that voice as well as if I had looked at his face. It was a voice I knew too well. It was Ossy.
Haltingly, the pastor asked him what his reasons were.
“I will not allow my friend to go into this sham.” As he spoke, Yomi’s security details began to move towards him. But he was prepared. As they got to him, and were shutting him up, Gloria stood up as if they had rehearsed the scene and picked up where her husband stopped “Yomi is gay, and the marriage is just arrangy, a sham. I will not stand by and let Oyin make this mistake”. Everyone turned and stared at us, as if waiting for Yomi to say how silly all this was so the wedding could continue. It was like live Jerry Springer show.

I got the shock of my life. Yomi spoke up angrily, facing his mum as if all his anger was directed at her “and what if I’m gay? I’m tired of living trapped in the closet. I am gay and from today on, I will be proud of it and live in the open. I’m tired of all this.” People just sat where they were, as if transfixed. Then he said scornfully, “you can all go home now, there’ll be no Mrs. Kester-Jacobs today”. It was then I turned around and screamed...

lawflec: good story but no suspense. try and create one.and sometimes your staging is bad I struggle to understand your characters please

Would do just that mate...