₦airaland Forum

I had one of my own and everywhere I went, it was the one thing I hoped nobody ever found out….

I am a gentle, I mind my business mostly, deal with people with respect and in my church, people see me as respectable, moral, sociable, loving and wise…BUT… I am all of those, just not as perfect as the picture people see.
“How should people know that underneath all of that I have my silent cries about my addictions, sexual habits, vengeful feelings, and other demons I struggle with inside?”

“I never meant to cheat on my spouse, but then it happened and I am forever locked up in this prison of guilt and counter-suspicion, she must never know or find out…”

“I needed some funds because of my sick daughter, I didn’t steal the company’s money, I only borrowed it, now it’s been too long I can’t return it and no one has noticed…or so I think”
“I can’t tell my wife, I have a different sexual orientation”
“I slept with them for money”
‘If anyone knew about this…they’d be disappointed’…these are some of the secret beats of many hearts, but they say we are men and must be perfect on all levels.

I personally have disappointed many people in my lifetime, betrayed trusts, hurt feelings, destroyed friendships, strained relationships and even slit the throats of love.

Secrets are never good, it’s the wound we try to conceal, the life we seek to keep… ‘…he that keepeth his life shall lose it, and he that loseth it shall pick it up again…’
We are never going to be free to be our fullest or live the best lives with secrets hanging around the things and people that matter to us. That way we build for ourselves towers of misunderstanding, pillars of blackmail, thorns of regrets and pockets filled with anvils of pain.

Just as it is bad to keep secrets, even medically speaking, secrets are responsible for some diseases.

We can be better men…live beyond the confines of “what no one must know”, we were never born with one, we grew into having one, just as the very things we never mattered to be open to all at birth is what we now call privates.

We can be better men, not saying all is to be told to everyone, but the conscious effort to confess wrongs at the earliest opportunity, the ability to take responsibility for what may be shameful or embarrassing, the freedom of knowing that when all about us are discovered, they would not be the debris of all time that destroys legacies.

What do we do:
– Be honest about the issue! own up to it ahead of time, don’t use lies to cover up more lies
– ‎Don’t cover it up, talk about it with someone you trust will help you in one way or another
– ‎Measure progress and celebrate it each step
– ‎Share your progress about it with someone else
He that keeps his life shall lose it…

Tell us what you think… would you tell a secret of yours to someone?

So…most of us by now as men have goals in mind to save a certain amount of money… it’s all about the money they say.

For some of us it is some material thing like a car or house or even simpler things like clothes and shoes, and just about anything that gives us that feeling of having arrived…or another state of happiness.

We come up with goals at the beginning of the year or at birthdays, thinking to ourselves what we might achieve at a specified date; we have heard that goals are SMART, Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic/Relevant, Time-bound…yes that is true.

Please don’t have goals if you do not have a system of achieving it. The goal may be to become a better father, the process may be to make sure you call your son and ask him about his day and talk about his friends, not about schoolwork and things that create a sense of judgement

The goals might be, to be a better son, and the process to call your father and send commit to sending him something every week/month, regardless of if he appreciates it

To make all A’s in the next exams, and the system might be to read 2 hours before the first class and 2 hours after the last class of the day

Every big picture can be broken down into smaller bits and as long as you concern yourself with the smaller bits regularly, then the big goal will be achieved.
However, your goal needs to be part of an ultimately bigger one, else by the time you lose that weight and you feel you have achieved your goal, the next thing you will do would be to order French fries and burger to celebrate.

I believe more in committing to the process and system, than the big picture, to become an adult all you have to make sure is that you keep alive and grow every day, and even without noticing the difference each day, you realise your dream of growing into an adult, just because you did the necessary things each and everyday… that is the difference between us and those who are remarkably successful.

http://blog.menstable.org/pleasedont-have-goals/

I know it’s the beginning of a new year… Probably you’re wondering about that new year fever, new resolutions and new plans and desires for the year, or you might just be like many others…’who new year epp?!’

It may not come with the excitement most others have, it may not be the happiest of moments, but it must be handled as a new opportunity, a new gift, another chance to try again.

Let’s face it, we all fail at something, but we are not failures, we become failures the moment we stop trying, so don’t get discouraged just yet… The proof of life is activity, we must keep doing something to become a better version of ourselves, a smarter version, a more intelligent version, an healthier version, a stronger version, a more educated version, a richer version, a more hardworking and excellent version, etc.

We can do much more than we are doing and we can be far better. Whatever we need to do to get to that upgrade of our lives, the time to start it is now.
It’s not about the new year, it’s about you, and now!

http://blog.menstable.org/fresh-and-clean-slate/

The concept of being a man is simple, yet the most difficult task in today’s world when the average man has been mapped and stereotyped into a model that most males would never fit into

You know you’re a man when:
– When your happiness depends only on you and not who you have with you or what you’ve acquired.
– ‎When you take total responsibility for your own life
– ‎When people can trust what you say and do
– ‎When people’s contact with you leaves them feeling better about themselves than when they met you
Start from there…

HOW DO I NOW BECOME A MAN, IF I DON’T HAVE MONEY?

– First, responsibility is not defined by how much money you make or can provide, many irresponsible men have billions of naira, look in your government and entertainment, you’ll see it’s not the money
– ‎Second, responsible means the ability to control and manage, this you do by first, taking into account your sources and resources – know what you have and what you can afford live within your means even if you have to move in with your parents or share rent with a colleague or friend.

Be able to fend for yourself, start from there, being responsible doesn’t start with the amount of money you make, it starts with you. It is how responsible you are that determines how you spend the money that comes to your hands.

Thirdly, being responsible includes the ability to grow, grow your character, grow your income, grow your skills, grow your knowledge, never ever remain stagnant, try new stuff, expand your horizon.

Keep moving forward!

Sometimes we get into dark moments when we feel alone…a girl walked out of your life, you got fired, you disappointed someone who trusted you, too broke to help yourself or anyone else, you keep a smile on while others think you’re the correct guy! Deep inside you wonder if you should talk to someone, or if you should “keep calm”.

Some other times you talk to your closest friends about your issues and they kind of give you that “it is well” advise because they too have no clue how to help you out.

You become that guy drowning in the water, while others think you’re joking when you shout “Help!” and rather than helping, they bring out their phones to take a selfie with the caption “Funny guy trying to drown himself”, you are in the midst of people, but you are alone.

It is not good for man to be alone…

Many times, this is attributed to a man getting married and settling down, but most realise they have only begun to unsettle themselves after the wedding. Perfect wife, imperfect fit, so the waters that should have come together to become a gentle ocean, becomes a clash of waves that would never sail a boat.

After satisfying the pressures from family and society, they realise they are not satisfied…so you may be married but realise the dream woman is not enhancing the dreams you thought you had, or a life’s challenge has kicked in so hard, it seems everything else falls apart. Being alone is mostly a feeling, a perspective of your current reality, some things are more effective in keeping you connected.

Know what your life is all about, at least have an idea: it’s not about the job or how much money you want to make, it must be about a self awareness that makes you understand who can travel your journey with you. If you are a car, you cannot fall in love with beautiful tree, you have nothing to do together and will never be able to achieve anything…at the end one will crush the other, even though the wedding might have been the talk of the town… same goes for friendships, business and close associates.

In the grand scheme of things, being alone is relative… if you know what your life is about and what it’s worth, you will attract the right people to your life and you will be able to keep them without stress, you will also go out with courage to find what or who you need… till then, the number of people around won’t matter, you would still feel alone and that is the point where dying begins.

Who are you?

LadySarah:
Athests creeping outta their crevices.
why only religious instances?
Always looking for an avenue to attack the church.

Please read the article closely again without any bias and you will understand better.

Some days ago, I stood in a room full of young men I had been invited to speak to…It was a beautiful meeting. At some point I asked the question, “how many of you here believe that your father says nonsense sometimes?”

Guess what? All hands in the room went up! Some said it’s not just sometimes, its like most times. I was not surprised…

I have felt that way before, my father would say things that are true, but not relevant to my current realities, but because he is “father” I have to hear him out, only because he would not listen to any other information.
This is the experience of most adolescents male and female alike.

A young man told of how his father had made him go to one of the renowned Bible schools to take a sort of pastoral class for three months, because he was too idle at home during a school break. He didn’t want to and had no desire for such, 22 he was at the time., but his father wouldn’t have it.

He went to the bible school, excelled at it, his father was proud of him because he had done what he wanted and also had the best result in the bible school year, he smiled for the cameras, got the award recognition, he took a selfie… however, three years before then, he had stopped believing in the existence of God.

How come his father did not know his son had stopped believing? He did what he was bullied to do…yeah, I said it…bullied! Another boy in a previous post said, as long as he attended church service meetings, rehearsals, sang in the choir, his parents believe they are teaching him ‘the way of the Lord’. The proverb that is hurled at me when talking to a parent about their kids is “train up a child in the way he should go and when he’s old he won’t depart from it”, most forget that in order to train someone, first you have to find out what he knows, what he has been taught, and how to help him unlearn what is irrelevant.

Parents don’t listen to their kids anymore, they don’t have conversations that would help them understand the psyche of the child. I always say to parents ‘stop thinking you know more than your children, they know more than you, the advantage you have is wisdom of age, but you don’t ever know more than them’. An average 16 year old probably knows more than his parents ever dreamed when he was in his 30s. When you speak with them, you will know.

You probably have been in those shoes where you wondered why your parents spoke gibberish, it’s not because it was nonsense, it just wasn’t relevant to your then current realities, real or unreal

When you seek to change your child’s behaviour, do not change his actions through beatings and abusive words, it never works.

You cannot change the actions of your children, if you do not change their minds, and you cannot change their minds, if you don’t know what is contained in there.
The only way to know what is in their minds… talk to them and make sure they can discuss with you any area of their lives without being judged, or their information used against them in disagreements, or hot moments.

Trust is a key element for any relationship to be established, and remember, just because you’re the parent doesn’t mean your children have to trust you…trust is “earned” and built through effective and consistent communication, until then…everything you say will be like nonsense, even if you’re breathing fire from the throne of the gods.

Earn the trust by all means…please.

Source: http://blog.menstable.org/my-father-talks-nonsense/

Some years ago, my father and I had a conversation about wealth and riches, it was very brief. In that conversation, he highlighted the value of work and a good name, he spoke about how he built his career and remained spotless up till he retired. He also talked about the current generation that wants the “EasyLife 2.0″…and my thought was, why wouldn’t we?

Our fathers, make money, buy cars and hand the keys to their children in order to make their kids more comfortable, they start companies and make their sons managers, send them to the best schools and load their accounts with funds enough to pay a family’s year worth of salaries. These are not in themselves bad, but when you look at the big picture…how does a child learn to grow when the growth is induced and the strength formed through development is removed from the growth cycle of our children?

Research shows that 97% of children of remarkable parents never achieve anything remarkable in their lives, but the kids that roughed it through the streets and “started from the bottom” record more success stories, this is a not an accident.

Mother birds watch their chicks struggle to hatch through their egg shells and even though they could help out, they don’t.

Once as a boy, I saw a chick hatching, I thought it was a beautiful thing, but the little bird was struggling to get out of the shells, so… I decided to help, I broke off the shells on top, hoping to help free the chick, I left happy that in no time, the chick would soon be chirping after its hen mother. I got there 20mins later and saw the little bird was dead.

I asked my mother why, she gently explained that the process of the bird breaking out of the shell helped it develop its muscles, it’s limbs and even stronger thoracic capacity to breathe, but the moment I “helped”, there was no way it could develop those and so death was eminent.

Process… the reason a lot of us are weak in decision making is because our parents made most or all decisions for us and when it came to making a choice we naturally deferred to someone else, money management was poor because we got all the money requested for were never required to be creative enough to save, manage or multiply what we have, we get car keys and never learn the art of working hard for anything, even send our kids to schools where we hear it is “easy” to pass WAEC… so we grow up, all fixed up and never learnt the process of working at or achieving anything, we grow up dead weak and a whole generation resorts to quick methods of achieving anything, politics, music, etc and not for the value it delivers to others, but for personal aggrandizement.

This is not a call to be wicked and starve our children hoping they’ll learn that the world is a tough, but for a deep consideration of the bigger picture.

We should help our children think through processes, it starts from when they are trying to piece toys together, we should really let them do it. When they’re doing their classwork/school assignments, never rush to tell them answers because they’re “wasting” our time, allow them the privilege of failing when they’re young, it builds strength of mind and the will the do better next time.
I understand it doesn’t look cool when our children do not “look” the image that make us feel proud, but when we break their shells for them, they will emerge quickly, but our glory will be short-lived.

Everything takes time, every great achiever went through a process of development often painful and without glamour.

When you are looking to change your life, there is a gestation period…if you want your kids to be great achievers, guide them with wisdom and not just to make you look good, but for them to be useful to themselves and others…only then can you really be proud.

Teach them the process…the future of your kids are determined by the art of process you teach them now.

http://blog.menstable.org/my-father-talks-nonsense/

Most of us men have grown up with the notion that a good woman knows how to take care of you, makes you feel good and knows how to meet your ‘needs’.

Needs are usually defined in terms of domestic capabilities, she can cook, clean, take care of kids, doesn’t nag much and possibly very good in “the oza room”. I mean, what else does a man need?

We have heard that a man only needs good food and good sex…they say once you can do these, a man doesn’t need so much more… Many ladies have told me this and a side of me wonders how that has become the totality of man, yet no matter how much they perform on this level, their men still cheat.

There are many reasons a man cheats, and there is no excuse why it must be accepted as norm, however, I have found that men are often misunderstood in relationships mostly by themselves, therefore we often do not know what we must look for in the woman that must satisfy us inside out, such that cheating may be a thought, but hardly ever an action. I believe that one of the reasons a man cheats, albeit a major is a lack of understanding of who he is and why he does what he does.

Man is a living soul:

The Soul is separated into 3 distinct areas:
– The Will: Where his values reside, what he considers right or wrong, morality, decision processing sphere, often long-term, hardly changes, the side that latently controls all actions

– ‎The Intellect: Where he thinks, have preferences, natural inclinations and attractions, often midterm, could change if he sees or is influenced better

– ‎The Emotions: Where he feels, senses, desires, often temporary, short-term, happens often and changes rapidly, nothing is fixed here

From the above, you can already see that the issues of a man’s sensuality are on the shortest term, duration and changes mostly with moments, that’s why he eats a meal now and prefers omething else next time, has sex now and wants another soon after and then moment you’re a woman is fixated on satisfying these…she’s like the cocaine that sets you high on a fix, the moment you run low, you want more…in this case anyone can offer this fix.
The often neglected are the Will and Intellect, because we focus on the emotions that seem to happen more often and seem less active, but we all know that when you pour Coca-Cola into a glass and it foams, no matter how much you lap up the foam, the drink is the real deal.

A lot of men are not self aware many of us have never studied ourselves as much as we have our jobs, we do not know our prefences and what makes us tick, so the moment we meet a woman who can cook clean and clinch we believe we have found a soulmate, just because she looks presentable to ‘mama’, forgetting that it’s not mama that will live with that human being.

A wife is like a friend you are allowed to sleep with, on most levels you click on decisions, preferences and interests, you don’t agree on everything but you still work around he edges and move ahead with your lives while you remain independent individuals with interdependent pursuit in life.

So…for a woman to satisfy her husband, she must be satisfying all three areas to the highest level as she can…same thing for the man.

However, the moment we pick one that satisfies the emotional basic level, we get used to that and then when we run low on the will and intelligence levels, she’s not suitable to fix those two, so we spend more time with colleagues, friends, and the secretary who seems to “get it” when we talk, eventually the emotions kick in and then we wonder…’how come those clothes came off so fast’ or just the zipper. Often times, when the other two are well taken care of, chances are that the last one is more effectively managed and worked on.

We have a responsibility to know ourselves …then we can have a wholesome perspective on which partners to choose, because marriage is a long-term longtin.

What do you think?

Source: http://blog.menstable.org/cheat/

Let's face it, most of us don't know how to be men, we were just born with the physiology of the male gender, and the only thing great about the physiology is when the 'sun' rises within our bosoms...yeah...I said it.

Now, let's focus on the Sun, there's so much it can achieve... You can use it to dry clothes, grow plants, make fire, but that only happens when that is all you know about it and perhaps still living in the dark ages...if use is unknown, abuse is inevitable.

[How does this connect? Truth is, I really don't know.]

We have heard many times about the rising of this 'sun', we have seen it and often times wonder at the wonders of the Almighty God's creation, in many ways, we have defined the degree of our manness by the activity of the 'sun', and this is just like defining the existence of earth by the rising of the sun.

The earth and the sun exist within the same solar system, independent of each other, yet an interdependent coexistence in space. The Sun at a safe distance and degree of heat sustains life on earth, but the moment it feels like it should do more, earth burns and earth is destroyed.

As much the sun is important to the Earth, it is not what makes Earth earth, the Earth is earth because of the life it has within it and the Sun is a complement, regardless of how much energy we harness from it.

We are men, not because of the 'sun', but for the life we give others, the growths we enhance, the trace of legacies we pass on to those who may never hear of our names and the permission we give to those who may never have had a voice, that is what makes us men. Keep your sun - please, by all means.

In recent times, the definition of a man has been reduced to sizes. The size of pockets, bank accounts and wallets, muscle or build or the possession of six-packs or one amusement pack, the size of their cars, the size of their wives/girlfriend and some other sizes.

There's much ado about the things that can be seen as a direct benefit from him and very little emphasis on character and values he lives by or the things that are of him.

This makes the average man desperate to have something to show, which makes him go to the extent of contravening the very essence of humanity, in order to have something to show.

This dates back to when you compared the size of toys, food flasks, school bags, to the point of comparing grades and trophies in school, and most of the time our parents encouraged this by comparing us with our siblings, or a friend's child or neighbour.

A man is a being in the strength of his character and not an acquisition entity A man is a doing in the responsibility and responsiveness to issues of legacy

A man is a becoming in the way he learns to grow to become better for every day he opens his eyes, regardless of who is judging him

Some say we are emotional beings, and mostly our emotions are based on predetermined mindsets/conditions. Our anger, love, pain, distress, stress, discontent are all emotions often based on what we choose to see as reality, which elicits an action or inaction. This applies to all our relationships, colleagues at work, community gatherings, etc.

What makes you angry is not always the element of anger, but your perspectives of the prevalent circumstance. Someone hails abusive words at you; you could either believe you are what has been described or you look at the person with an understanding that he/she doesn't know what he's saying and remove yourself from the situation.

Some other times when you have to live with such a person, apply the Baby-Diaper-Strategy (BDS). You know a baby will always poo-poo anywhere at anytime, so rather than beat the baby every single time and he/she repeats it, just strap a diaper on the butt and although it doesn't stop the poo-poo, but it contains the mess.

YOU CAN BE MORE CONTROLLED IN ANY SITUATION, YOU JUST HAVE TO THINK DIFFERENTLY ABOUT IT.

The first time my father talked to me about sex was... Never. I heard it first from friends, most of whom barely knew what it meant, what it's for and how it all affects life as a whole. We are men...but the truth is we just grow up like weed in the fields, hoping we might bud a flower.

Out of hundreds of young men I have interacted with over the years, I see a yearning for help covered up with the "I'm a big boy" facade. A girl grows up naturally attuned to being a woman and she does a beautiful job, even without a woman figure before. The little girl asks for a baby doll and tells everyone "see my baby", she bathes the doll, feeds it, dresses it up, fixes the hair, even uses make-up on the poor thing, the girl child grows up already with the instincts of a woman.

Naturally, boys grow up practically figuring out what their lives must be about. The boys grow up hidden, changes are internalized, their worlds recreated without the next person knowing what revolves around it...and when they express fear or shed a tear, the next words they hear are "Big boys...don't cry".

The world they love caters to the women and the girls, their rights, health, against trafficking, abuse, etc and rightfully so, because right from time they have been seen and perceived as the weaker vessel, yet neglect the strength the man has as a mere potential. But the boys are screaming, crying for help while they sink into the abyss called "manness".

So... my father never spoke to me about love and affection, respect and dignity, values I should live my life by, or how I should find my life's passion and sense of worth. He's not alone... I bet your father is almost exactly like mine... if not exact.

A young man I once spoke with said, "The best advice I got from my father was 'Be a man!', on the table was a bottle of liquor and a stash of weed, while he toggled his left hand around his privates" Like it or not, that is the story of most men... It may not be liquor or weed, but it is always a sense of testing strength... Work, money, position or status, building a reputation at the expense of family, how strong you are, how far you can go, how long you can take it and how many you can count. Let's not be quick to blame our fathers, hardly were they taught anything by their own fathers.

Deprived of love and fundamentals of humanity, the men grow up with the ideals that men should truly be like the 300 Spartans... And at the end, they die. My first question to most boys that come to me for some form of help, assistance or mentorship is, "What is your definition of 'Being a man'?"... None ever come up with one asides the reference to their genitals. Boys are screaming like the goldfish in a boiling glass...tick, tock, tick, tock. Their worlds are heating up, unprepared for the roles they have been born into...

Unfortunately, this life is not Microsoft Word where Ctrl+Z would undo errors, neither is it Temple Run...there is no Restart button. The devil knows this and is effectively after the men, because he understands that if he can destroy the seed, the fruit will be useless and the cycle continues.

The only time I ever saw my Mum and Dad together in the same house under the same roof, I was about 3 or 4years old.

He was beating her...beating her hard, she was wailing, I was petrified along with my siblings who seemed to be used to this type of events, unfortunately, it is the first memory I ever have in life...war within the home of 'love'.

Domestic violence has become a common thing, increasingly men are now resorting to physical violence when their women do something unacceptable to them.

Sons are growing up watching their father's act, women are growing up expecting men to be animals...this cycle never ends.

I understand that many times the womenfolk can be such a group of people you might just want to send to Planet Mars when they start with heavy words that dig deep into the core of your heart but know that there's never a reason good enough to hit your wife or girlfriend.
Have you ever hit a woman you love?

What triggered it?

Send us a private message or an email to menstable@gmail.com or comment below.
Thank you.